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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 17th November 2017, 9:10 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by enigma32 View Post
To get women, you need to do two things. Get women to notice you and give them a reason to want to date you. If you can do those two things, the rest will fall into place.
This.

You basically need to show your value (which i'm trying to work on my own) and show a good reason to be dateable person
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Old 17th November 2017, 9:48 PM   #17
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This.

You basically need to show your value (which i'm trying to work on my own) and show a good reason to be dateable person
this is insane.

show your value???? dateable????

are you kidding!!
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Old 17th November 2017, 10:39 PM   #18
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this is insane.

show your value???? dateable????

are you kidding!!
Welcome to the real world.
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Old 19th November 2017, 6:54 PM   #19
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Well.... OP, you can follow th advice of those who have failed in this realm, or start looking for real solutions.

You say you work and go back home again.

Do you have friends you socialize with? Are you good at making male friends? Have you ever had female friends?

From my observation those who have the best luck in dating are those that have pretty good social skills.

They are comfortable starting conversations, they do a good job of reading people, verbally and more importantly non verbally.

If you aren't comfortable socializing - that's where I would start.

It's going to be hard to just ask a girl out and get somewhere with it if you aren't used to socializing in general.
Outside work no, i dont really have friends or a social network.
The majority of my friends are from work, mostly are actually female.

I talk to people all the time at work about nothing particular no problem.

A pretty girl at work i can make little conversation with, but the difficulty is if in my own mind i have an alternative motive, would like to ask out etc i cant get myself to do it.

The more i see her the more attractive she is, follows with me being more frustrated with myself lol

Over the years i have no idea if any girl ive spoke to has ever been interested, its very rare my path seems to cross with someone that is single.

Ironically when i find out someones not available, all pressure disappears, almost like relief, but im still the one left on my own

I know one day it will all be too late and will wish did something, knowing that i simply cant do it, with having confidence issues very early in life, not being good looking in my opinion, never dating or setting the foundations in early life, really seems to have messed everything up.
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Old 19th November 2017, 11:18 PM   #20
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Wow, I could've written the original post myself, there are too many similarities between my life and the OP's. I am 35 years old and have only asked someone out once in my life, four months ago; she rejected me and I still feel like dirt because of it. I have also been on the other end, a short time after that happened, someone showed interest in me (I have no idea why, I am below average looking guy and gave her no signals at all) and even asked me out and this time I was the one who did the rejecting, firstly because I was not attracted to her, but also because she is someone from work and even if I liked her, it would not be right.


Quote:
A pretty girl at work i can make little conversation with, but the difficulty is if in my own mind i have an alternative motive, would like to ask out etc i cant get myself to do it.

The more i see her the more attractive she is, follows with me being more frustrated with myself lol

Over the years i have no idea if any girl ive spoke to has ever been interested, its very rare my path seems to cross with someone that is single.
I completely understand, I only asked that girl out, because she showed interest in me (that never happened to me before), but apparently she was just manipulating me or maybe lost interest all of a sudden, Iíll never know.
Lately, Iíve been trying to engage in more conversations with women I am attracted to, just friendly talk without the intention to ask them out, just some small training in socializing, maybe that will lead somewhere someday.
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Old 22nd November 2017, 5:40 PM   #21
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Welcome to the real world.
I completely understand your perspective. I felt that way once.

When a women sees your value, she sees you when you are in your natural sate of being, sees value when your unware of showing value.

Your value is you, who you are, what you like, how you treat others. You don't show your value, your value is exposed through your natural state.

The other factor you fail to acknowledge is, How do you know what each women values? do you change what your showing to match her values?

Matching values is harmonious. its organic man!
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Old 22nd November 2017, 11:30 PM   #22
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I would join a meet up group or similar club that is geared toward bringing strangers together with a common interest. This way the focus isn't on dating, but you are able to build up socializing skills. The common hobby will give you something to talk about while you make new friends, male and female. This will expand your social circle and hopefully your comfort in conversing with women.

If one of them there happens to pique your interest, casually inquire getting together over coffee or something similar. If not, it's still not time wasted because now you have several other avenues of meeting potential love interests. At the very least, you've had fun and made yourself more interesting by investing time in an outside hobby or activity.

Perhaps strike up casual conversations while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. to practice becoming more comfortable in talking to women that you find attractive.

At some point (hopefully sooner rather than later), you'll have to take the plunge and ask a woman out, but I think doing so in a fun/no-pressure/non-work environment will lend itself to the greatest chances of success.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 12:07 AM   #23
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this is insane.

show your value???? dateable????

are you kidding!!
Yeah, show your value. I have a fat, bald, now unemployed friend that I have known for years. Oh, and he lives with his parents. How much value relationship wise do you think women are gonna put on that guy? Rhetorical question; almost none. The guy hasn't had a GF in around 10 years and rarely even gets dates. Now, if that same guy happened to lose some weight, get a decent job, maybe move out of his parent's home, he would gain some value to the ladies. He's a nice guy and funny, but as it stands, pretty much no women are gonna date this guy and his life experience shows it.

Like my initial post here said, we all need to bring something to the table for people to want to date us, even if that is just being really, really good looking. For men, we need to find a way to get women to notice us, and then show them somehow that we are a guy they want to be with. All pretty simple.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 12:15 AM   #24
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At some point (hopefully sooner rather than later), you'll have to take the plunge and ask a woman out, but I think doing so in a fun/no-pressure/non-work environment will lend itself to the greatest chances of success.
I agree with this, the theory behind is very good, how to make it work is less easy. What you need to do is find some way to connect with people, if I had to guess most of us who battle with dating don't connect with the people.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 12:33 AM   #25
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Yeah, show your value. I have a fat, bald, now unemployed friend that I have known for years. Oh, and he lives with his parents. How much value relationship wise do you think women are gonna put on that guy? Rhetorical question; almost none. The guy hasn't had a GF in around 10 years and rarely even gets dates. Now, if that same guy happened to lose some weight, get a decent job, maybe move out of his parent's home, he would gain some value to the ladies. He's a nice guy and funny, but as it stands, pretty much no women are gonna date this guy and his life experience shows it.

Like my initial post here said, we all need to bring something to the table for people to want to date us, even if that is just being really, really good looking. For men, we need to find a way to get women to notice us, and then show them somehow that we are a guy they want to be with. All pretty simple.

If only.


To have value you need to see the value in yourself first.


Its dubious at best the perceived value ladies place on guys, if you think about it, its all a lot of BS in the sense the weighting will always be more to the superficial and this goes for guys and ladies.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 12:59 AM   #26
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I usually donít recommend dating somebody from office but in this case, I think you should go for it. Youíre clearly attracted to her and even if you bomb, thereís a lot that can be learned.

When Iím interacting with a person Iím attracted to, I like to go with the flow. I try not to overthink and just let the attraction control my actions. I find that our brains are naturally programmed to make us more charming when dealing with attractive people but most times we get in our own way by bringing our past experiences or anxieties into the picture.

With all of your baggage when it comes to asking out women, youíre probably going to struggle to relax and enjoy the situation so you could use a canned approach. The next time you see her alone, do the following:
1) Make eye contact and smile.
2) Start a conversation about anything and try to get her to laugh. You can make her laugh about your goofy style, your lack of self confidence, the weirdo at work, the copy machine, whatever. You just need to make her laugh.
3) If you were successful with the above step, you will have successfully created a good vibe to justify you asking her out. This is when you should say this:
ďI think youíre cute and youíre fun to talk to. (Giving her your phone) I want you to give me your number.Ē If she asks why, just say that you like her and you would like to hang out with her sometime.

Hopefully sheíll give you her number and you can take things forward from there but if she doesnít, just smile and walk away.
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Old 24th November 2017, 2:55 PM   #27
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Yeah, I'm about a year from 30, myself, and I've never been "involved" with a girl in any way. It used to bother me a lot, sometimes it still does, but I've come to accept that I have nothing whatsoever to offer to a partner, and I don't see that changing any time soon, probably not ever. So, it's definitely something I "fantasize" about, but I know and understand that I can't have that in my life.

As far as who to date, I, myself, learned the hard way that attraction to coworkers is a very, very bad thing. At least for me, personally. That is one of my biggest personal regrets; about 5-6 years ago, I worked with someone, and I felt like we had great chemistry and I thought she was into me, too, but she was not, and when I made my feelings known, it just made the workplace awkward, and I had trouble handling the rejection and I just made things worse, which ultimately cost me any friendship I had with her. I still kinda hate myself for how this all went down, but unfortunately, if I found myself in a similar situation, I'm fairly certain I would make all the same mistakes, because I don't "learn" from my mistakes, and because in the moment, I let my emotions get the better of me, and I make a lot of very dumb choices.

So, I've decided internally that I will never, ever pursue a coworker, or someone I see regularly from some other shared activity, because all it leads to is bad things. Of course, this doesn't help me much, because on the flip side, I would never, ever pursue a total stranger or someone I didn't know, because I generally need to "know" someone a bit in order to even know that I'm attracted to them. So, that puts me in a position with basically no options. Granted, I didn't really have "options" to begin with, since again, there's no way I could attract someone romantically, so...
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:15 PM   #28
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I still find it so difficult. its coincidence when our paths cross in the tea making room. usually if im lucky first thing on a morning. sometimes just share a hello and another time a conversation about some actress on her movie mug. thinking after the event was the chance to ask what movies she likes,

I am daft, she said that she thought would get a new mug for xmas to replace the one we were discussing, later i remembered I had a mug hot chocolate set id bought as a present but not given to my sister, to maybe bring it in. a bit too much though id say

I dont think askin her out before 8.30 while making tea or cooking porridge either is a great timelol.

So i dont really get the opportunity to build up a conversation and work up to asking her out, then always someone else in the area wanting to make a cup of tea
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Old 9th January 2018, 7:54 PM   #29
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My opinion is that ‘incel’ and ‘forever alone’ is largely a state of mind. It’s not that I don’t have empathy/sympathy for them. They are their own worst enemy

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 9th January 2018 at 8:00 PM.. Reason: It’s not that I don’t have empathy/sympathy for them. They are their own worst enemy
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Old 11th January 2018, 2:11 AM   #30
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I'm going to tell you something that you might already know...


The people who tell you to be happy that you're single, they can say that because they have already experience love, relationships, what it's like to be in one, and the pain and heartbreak that often goes along with it. They've been on that journey and whether they realize it or not, this experience is something not to be taken for granted because oftentimes this can mean growth as a person.

You have not been on that journey yet so of course you want to find somebody. For all the people out there who say "enjoy being single" they can say that because they've already been there and done that yet I bet if they were still virgins, they would be wishing they found somebody as well.

You should DEFINITELY go out and experience a relationship, get the experience of knowing what it's like to have somebody. But understand that whether it ends up good or bad, at least you can say that you experienced love, maybe then you will truly be happy single.

Sometimes to be happy with your current life experience, you need to know what it's like to experience life from a different perspective.

Last edited by GuitarGuy7; 11th January 2018 at 2:15 AM..
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