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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:37 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
I'll tell you why they ghost or say no....they got bored. Hun, men are sexual creatures. They don't care if you have a job or a PhD. They want a sex kitten, flirty, lookin hot, laugh at their jokes and focused on them, strokin their ego. You need to be the whole package with lacy lingerie.



I'm not telling you to be promiscuous, they want a seductive, teasing, deliciously tantalizing lady.
Believe me, this isn't something that I am lacking either. LOL. I have honestly been making more of an attempt to tone it back a bit because I feel as if there are times when I attract the hook up type of guys with my sexuality.

And this definitely didn't happen with the guy that most recently ghosted me. I mean, maybe he got bored but our relationship definitely wasn't lacking that sexual tension.

Long story short, we have been talking for a while now, we don't live in the same city, but his family is from where I live so he's here most weekends. Last week he told me to clear my weekend plans so we could spend the weekend together. We have hooked up before and it was good, spent the week chatting about our plans and of course with some sexting thrown in there too. Then when I reached out to him on Saturday to attend this music festival with me: RADIO SILENCE. I reached out to him last night as one final attempt, and yup again it was read and no response. And yeah I get things come up, but the fact that we were talking on Thursday about our plans, talking on Friday, and then he drops off the face of the earth is pretty concerning. It made me wonder if there is another girl involved or something.

Oh well, good riddance I suppose but still it sucks. I mentioned this to my friend I saw last night and her exact words: "Dude, why do you keep getting f*d over?" I WISH I KNEW.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 10:59 AM   #17
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I don't know you at all but based on your description, you are in the age 18-24 age bracket. During this period of life, you are transitioning from the teenager's mentality to the adult one. During this period, your mentality is still very much that of a teenager's but the difference is that you are no longer (or MOST everyone is no longer) living at home with parents, or you have moved out for a bit (ex. went to college) then moved back home. In terms of the women, being that we THINK we are adults and it's time to settle down like one, we tend to think that this is the time. IN terms of the men, they are probably encountering their first tastes of freedom and they are encountering women who want that commitment from them. And, 80% of the time they dump the woman because, in a classic move, the woman wants more of a commitment out of the man and he doesn't want to commit. Doesn't matter what the reason or excuse is or is not, whatever the language is or is not it's the man always saying he doesn't want to commit.

This is a probably if not the most painful time a person goes through, for women I think. I was subjected to such cowardice and misery from guys during this time, but we are also going through another kind of growing pain, which is what I like to call Living in the Tabloids phase. Think Paris Hilton in her heyday : that's when you are staying out until dawn, partying with drugs/alcohol, and, chances are, being rather promiscuous at the same time. And, we get stung by someone or something, and we settle down. Why don't we hear from Paris Hilton anymore? Because, she said in a recently quote in the press, she's done, she wants to live a quiet life now. And she does, and we do now.

Dating during this phase of your life SUCKS because of this. Be ready if you're not there already.
I think you hit the nail on the head for sure. It doesn't help that I graduated from college early, so I feel like I have been thrown into adulthood/"the real world" even sooner than most my age.

I wouldn't even say that it's that I want to get married right now, or even within the next few years. I'm just tired of this repetitive cycle of dating a guy for a couple of months, he gets bored of me or whatever, ghosts me, then comes running back later on. I guess it just damages my ego quite a bit and leaves me feeling pretty ****ty about myself. It is comforting to know that this is kind of the norm for women my age though haha.

Both of my older sister's have told me the same thing, neither found the guy they were going to settle down with until they were 27 and basically had to weed through a bunch of f boys to get to that point. I'm just at this phase now where I don't know if I keep putting myself out there to get hurt, or take a break from dating....and I know I could continue having fun and living the party life but it just really drains me emotionally AND physically.

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Originally Posted by mortensorchid View Post
At this age? EXACTLY. If you can be a sex kitten behind closed doors as an adult woman, even better for them, but they want to see you do it BEFORE them as they are more visual.
Right. As I told Smackie trust me this isn't something I'm lacking by any means (just didn't include that as one of my characteristics in the original post LOL). But it just seems to be challenging to find the fine line. I'm a very sexual person but it seems like when I hook up too early on, the relationship always ends up failing.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:05 AM   #18
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When I think of what smacks is talking about I'm not thinking overt sexuality. It's not just having a mini skirt and tube top with and pulling out all the freakidique on the first night. In fact, I think that completely doing it wrong. Most equate 'sex kitten' or 'seductress' with that and that just does NOT seem to me what it is. . No serious, though. It's flirtiness, fun, excitement, (sex, of course), mystery and tease,, confidence, FEMININITY. Sex without all that includes in a very subtle package, I can see why men would lose interest after some romps. **I am not one of the chicks who nails this(I don't get laid) BTW, but I know it's done and these women are the female equivalent of Chad or Rico Suave lol. **
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:15 AM   #19
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Conventional wisdom may say that all 20s something just want to party & be fancy free. But I knew plenty of people who were contemplating marriage at that point. Many of my friends kids are in committed relationships.

It may be where you are looking
Yeah that is a good point. My way of meeting men is generally at bars or on Bumble. Yeah I see cute guys at the gym sometime or at coffee shops and I do get approached but again, it never amounts to anything more than a hookup or f buddy.

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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
I agree it may be where you are looking, BUT I met my husband at a night club, so it can also depend on how you project yourself, or how that person is and what they are looking for.

IMO if you are the total package, many minds can be changed.
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I met my husband in a bar in my late 30s. I'm not being judgy.

However, a 20 something who wants "serious" would be better served looking some place serious people go -- school, work, a money management / investment class for adults, etc.
Yeah that is the difficult part because I always hear so many mixed opinions on this. Both of my sisters met their husbands in bars so it's not something that I completely discount. But the guys I've met in bars, yeah, are never looking for anything serious.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or the total package by any means. I feel like theoretically I'm great on paper, I ask my friends and family for feedback and they genuinely say the same thing. That's why I'm wondering if I have some huge personality flaw that I am immune to or I just keep attracting the guys that aren't looking for anything serious...

Or, at least, at the time. Because seriously they all have been cycling back to me. I suppose I could give some of them second chances but honestly I don't feel like settling for a guy that ghosts me and later on decides that I'm great. I just want someone to see that from the start. And the ones that do there's always something that doesn't mesh well - whether it's the physical connection, values, whatever.


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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Guys want what Smacky is talking about to the grave. xD If you're 85 and not working dat, you're doing it wrong. sad but true.
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
You are 23... keep looking.
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Originally Posted by darkmoon View Post
some good-looking men do flit about and I suspect that you are a victim of that
Right, when I do think about it, I know in hindsight I am so young and have a ton of time to figure out my love life, it just gets tiring. I suppose I should get used to it. But it just feels like I get used for a good time until the next best thing comes along, or until the guy decides things are getting too serious for their liking.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:30 AM   #20
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I'm not diggin' this "sex kitten" answer. Sure, men are sexual and visual creatures and yep, you'll get laid if you dress and act trampy. And when I went through that phase, while it's true I had no shortage of partners or sex and plenty of choices,....knowing what I know now, nope, I'd never go that route again, nor will I. I don't want to be seen that way.

I'm a conservative dresser, I don't drink alcohol or party, and am extremely eclectic, unusual, have odd interests in everything from music to books and film and art. The most recent example is I found myself getting excited, (and yes, sexually) by someone who engaged my heart and brain without "hitting me over the head" and forcing the sexual agenda on me. In fact, I find it a turn off.

Now, what I am like with my partner will vary depending on the relationship but I am not some doll to be on display and dressed up as a sex-bot for everyone else's amusement. That may limit certain TYPES of potential partners but that's totally fine by me. I want someone looking for more than fancy tail feathers.

Agree to disagree.
If you read my following post (It got altered because of a certain word) Looking like you are advertising to get laid is NOT what I meant by sex kitten....I guess I should have called it something different, but I'll get my point across now. I meant being sexy enough in a subtly way...not talkin fishnet body stocking/trashy......you can be sexy in a nice feminine way to catch a man's attention, but you got to do something. I don't come up with this stuff, this is right from the horses mouth.....your average mature heterosexual male....many of them. It's what attracted them first when they met their GFs or wives. Of course the compatibility stuff is what seals the deal later. I'm a strong advocate for compatibility with interests/hobbies for the long haul. The thing is that the majority of guys expect some sort of sexiness/flirting to amp up to intrigue them as the dates continue. The unfortunate part is, even if you do everything right, still won't get you a BF right off the bat. You yourself have to kick a lot of tires to find the right one and that can be many for some.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:46 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by MajesticUnicorn View Post
Yeah that is a good point. My way of meeting men is generally at bars or on Bumble. Yeah I see cute guys at the gym sometime or at coffee shops and I do get approached but again, it never amounts to anything more than a hookup or f buddy.





Yeah that is the difficult part because I always hear so many mixed opinions on this. Both of my sisters met their husbands in bars so it's not something that I completely discount. But the guys I've met in bars, yeah, are never looking for anything serious.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or the total package by any means. I feel like theoretically I'm great on paper, I ask my friends and family for feedback and they genuinely say the same thing. That's why I'm wondering if I have some huge personality flaw that I am immune to or I just keep attracting the guys that aren't looking for anything serious...

Or, at least, at the time. Because seriously they all have been cycling back to me. I suppose I could give some of them second chances but honestly I don't feel like settling for a guy that ghosts me and later on decides that I'm great. I just want someone to see that from the start. And the ones that do there's always something that doesn't mesh well - whether it's the physical connection, values, whatever.








Right, when I do think about it, I know in hindsight I am so young and have a ton of time to figure out my love life, it just gets tiring. I suppose I should get used to it. But it just feels like I get used for a good time until the next best thing comes along, or until the guy decides things are getting too serious for their liking.
Maybe you need to sharpen your eyes a bit to take a closer look at their behaviors and learn to pinpoint things that would be a red flag. Once you figure this out, you will be the one doing the dumping or saying "No thank You".

As for hookup guys, that will never change. They have been around since the beginning of time. And ya there's a lot of them.

I am old fashioned when it comes to ones value.....keeping your legs closed until they prove they do have a true interest in you. But even that doesn't always work. It's a crapshoot. The more you date, the more you become wiser, so keep looking.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 12:06 PM   #22
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Maybe you need to sharpen your eyes a bit to take a closer look at their behaviors and learn to pinpoint things that would be a red flag. Once you figure this out, you will be the one doing the dumping or saying "No thank You".

As for hookup guys, that will never change. They have been around since the beginning of time. And ya there's a lot of them.

I am old fashioned when it comes to ones value.....keeping your legs closed until they prove they do have a true interest in you. But even that doesn't always work. It's a crapshoot. The more you date, the more you become wiser, so keep looking.
That's a good point...I think part of my issue is I always go for the super hot guys, and then yeah they all tend to be major d bags. I don't know if it's like I overlook little things that they do because I find them so attractive, or I'm just settling because I want a relationship. In hindsight, it's probably been pretty clear from the get go that they are f*boys, I just seem to think I have the power to change their ways but that never works out.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 2:25 PM   #23
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Why does being ghosted suck so badly?

I am trying to remain confident and put myself out there. But now that this just recently happened to me AGAIN, it hurts and I can't stop thinking about it. And wondering what could possibly be wrong with me that this keeps happening. I hate getting my hopes up about a guy and then being let down.

Maybe that's part of my problem. I don't think my actions come off as clingy or overly attached, but I definitely have a tendency to build things up in my mind. Really, after only a month I don't think I should feel this disappointed in being ghosted, yet here I am.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 2:28 PM   #24
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I say at any age. If I was single today at 53, you better believe it I would be putting on the sex appeal to capture a man's heart that I desired. No shame in that. And of course being a good cook.....queen of the grill. Work my magic.
But not all women want to or need to use sex as their primary currency. I certainly didn't, and I'm engaged to an amazing guy with incredible chemistry. I'ts really about priorities and how you want to label yourself.
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Old 2nd October 2017, 7:04 PM   #25
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That's a good point...I think part of my issue is I always go for the super hot guys, and then yeah they all tend to be major d bags. I don't know if it's like I overlook little things that they do because I find them so attractive, or I'm just settling because I want a relationship. In hindsight, it's probably been pretty clear from the get go that they are f*boys, I just seem to think I have the power to change their ways but that never works out.
That (the bolded) quite may very well be the reason why right there. I mean, I suppose you may meet someone 'extremely hot' like that and they feel incredible chemistry for you, too and want to be exclusive. But if you keep holding out for that, I suspect you will be waiting a long time.

It sounds to me that you are essentially trying to swim against the current. Seemingly every woman is lamenting the current 'hookup culture'. Well, who do you think is enjoying the hookup culture and why would they want to leave.

You might have better luck in finding a relationship if you were to give a more 'average' guy a chance. Someone who may not be 'super hot' but who is a good guy. The attraction on your end may grow.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 10:22 AM   #26
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That (the bolded) quite may very well be the reason why right there. I mean, I suppose you may meet someone 'extremely hot' like that and they feel incredible chemistry for you, too and want to be exclusive. But if you keep holding out for that, I suspect you will be waiting a long time.

It sounds to me that you are essentially trying to swim against the current. Seemingly every woman is lamenting the current 'hookup culture'. Well, who do you think is enjoying the hookup culture and why would they want to leave.

You might have better luck in finding a relationship if you were to give a more 'average' guy a chance. Someone who may not be 'super hot' but who is a good guy. The attraction on your end may grow.

You're absolutely right and I know it. That is the major thing I have to get over. I go for the hot guys, and the hot guys are the ones that are playing women. So I either need to accept that or start expanding my horizons..

I guess I struggle because I don't want to "settle." This may make me sound arrogant, but I feel like I know my worth and that makes it hard for me to go for the average joe. There have been times when I have and it usually doesn't go anywhere, and later on people question why I am going for someone whose league I am out of.

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself to others or their relationships, but then I see both of my sisters who have settled down with attractive guys, same with some of my friends. It seems like all of the guys that have the full package (attractive, good personality, stable in life) are already taken. Both of my sister's didn't meet their mates till they were 27 though, which is what made me question if it's just this age range that sucks for dating.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 10:31 AM   #27
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If I could have known I would have dated and got into more serious relationships younger. Most of the couples I know who are older and happily married met in high school or college. Mostly college. Single older people have a whole other range of issues like divorces or LTRs gone wrong which have embittered them or just get set in their ways. Not saying start scampering for a rship now, but don't put it off. Keep your eyes peeled because it's no cake walk either when older. Just read these boards.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 11:35 AM   #28
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If I could have known I would have dated and got into more serious relationships younger. Most of the couples I know who are older and happily married met in high school or college. Mostly college. Single older people have a whole other range of issues like divorces or LTRs gone wrong which have embittered them or just get set in their ways. Not saying start scampering for a rship now, but don't put it off. Keep your eyes peeled because it's no cake walk either when older. Just read these boards.
Yeah that is the tricky part. Some people say oh you're young you should enjoy your youth and not worry about settling down yet...but on the other hand it doesn't seem to get any easier the older you get.

That kind of leads into another interesting situation that has presented itself to me.

I dated this guy throughout college, and I mean it when I say he was the absolute perfect guy for me. Of course everyone has their flaws, but I really couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend. Ultimately he moved across the country and we did long distance, but it didn't work out. There were also other factors involved that led to our relationship failing, mostly on my end being young and immature. I really did believe I was going to marry the guy though, as did my family and friends and it was something we talked about. Anyway, long story short when we broke up it was always one of those things where we both thought our paths may cross again one day. We both had the same end goal of of ending up in the same city that we both love. He just got a job there, and I have actively been interviewing with places.

Anyway, not sure exactly how it happened but we somehow started getting in contact with each other again. Nothing crazy, but talking every few days or so. I do wonder if it's something worth pursuing or if it's something the door closed on long ago. I guess I will cross that bridge if *fingers crossed* I get a job in this new city and can move. I think that may also present more dating opportunities for me as I currently live in a college town where everyone is either in college, settled with families, or they're my age but still living the college lifestyle...
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:07 PM   #29
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Nope. I'm still not buying the "sex kitten" regardless of how you want to word it or how you want to change the subtleties of what you meant as a definition. Market yourself as such and then you'll be surprised when the marriage breaks down because "you've changed."

Always just be yourself.

Women marry men hoping they'll change. Men marry women, hoping they never do.

Whatever you "do" to attract your mate, if it is not an authentic part of who you are, how you are, and what you are, then your partner is falling for an audition and a costume.

The surest way into my pants is to be a good person. Don't try to "act" or "dress" any specific way, just be you. I believe this is the same mistake people make with losing weight. They (mistakenly) think that if they can just "get there" (hook the man, lose the weight), they'll automatically just know how to keep it. But thing is, they didn't learn the proper behaviour of what it will take to maintain your achievement.

If your relationship is based on sex, God help you when you age and your body naturally changes, your hormones drop, your prostate enlarges, your breasts sag, your body changes from kids, you can't lubricate, your drive changes, or if you have health problems or an accident. If the "glue" of your relationship is sex, there's nothing there to hold that straw house together as you two mature together as a couple.

Sex can be had anywhere and booty calls are easy. There's "girlfriend" material and there's "wife" material. The balance is where the mystery resides behind bedroom doors not on display as a trophy taken out of the case for the glory of others. You better bring more to the table than a crotch.

It depends on the caliber of man you want to attract. If you want someone simple, this "sex kitten" approach may work. I am more than that, and I also want more than that.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:30 PM   #30
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Most guys at your age are not ready for a permanent commitment or marriage or babies. As long as you don't accept anything less, you might find a good boyfriend who would last for awhile. But if a guy has many options, unless he's just not very social or hates dating, he will usually want some freedom and then maybe get that out of his system by the time he's 30 or over and start thinking about marrying someone.
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