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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 4th October 2017, 9:22 PM   #46
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I seriously give up.

Had a good night hanging out with new people but then we hit the club; at the end of the night it just hit me that not a single woman in the place ever looked at me. I was dancing, laughing, singing, enjoying myself and I was not once noticed.
If the women you like don't pursue you, you might have to pursue them. I think that's basically the case with most guys.

You've assumed that women have some kind of ultimate authority to deem you visible or invisible. You can always try to take matters into your own hands in the most respectable way possible. That's what most women are expecting you to do. It's not really they're normal M.O. to hit on a guy out of nowhere.

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I'm undesirable and I will never be the type of guy a girl wants to take home. People have been lying to me and I will just have to learn to accept I am not attractive / lovable.
I know this isn't what you what you want to hear, but if you're looking for a girl to take you home, you're likely just going to feel hollow and unsatisfied. You'll feel equally as bad as you do now, just for different reasons. You sound like all your happiness perilously hinges on the validation of some drunken random. You should really talk to a psychologist, it doesn't sound healthy.
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:07 AM   #47
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You sound like all your happiness perilously hinges on the validation of some drunken random. You should really talk to a psychologist, it doesn't sound healthy.
Not in the slightest, though I can see why you'd come to that conclusion. No, I'm just fed up of being an undesirable guy and not being able to work out why.

It bothers me every day, indeed has become an obsession, but I've never been one to simply drop things and "hope for the best". When I had crippling social anxiety, I took steps to resolve it. When I lacked friends, I did what I could to meet new people. Same goes for other areas of my life. Women and my inability to attract them seems to be the one thing in life I can't fix, and I want to know why.
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:14 AM   #48
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Did you ever see the movie Hitch? Think about that scene where he remembers being in college and catching his girlfriend cheating on him, and then crying and desperately asking her "What did I do?! What did I do?!"

and then the guy she's cheating with takes some pity on him and says "You're doing it now!"

Consider this:

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Originally Posted by LightWave93 View Post
I'm just fed up of being an undesirable guy and not being able to work out why.
This is probably why:

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Originally Posted by LightWave93 View Post
I seriously give up.
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Originally Posted by LightWave93 View Post
I'm undesirable and I will never be the type of guy a girl wants to take home. People have been lying to me and I will just have to learn to accept I am not attractive / lovable.
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Originally Posted by LightWave93 View Post
More pointing out the fact I can't get so much as a kiss on a cheek, and I'm so undesirable women my age (in a culture very casual-sex driven) won't even consider me for a one-nighter.
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That is all to say, the prospect of dancing with anyone in a club let alone a hottie is quite difficult for me to comprehend. I can't dance ... What the bloody hell do you say in a club?).
As I've said, you don't sound like you're projecting a particularly desirable, confident, persona. You sound insecure, desperate, unsure, and miserable. It's not attractive, people are unlikely going to want to be near someone like that, and it's probably more obvious than you think. Instead, you should be confident, self-assured, and content. I know this begs the question "How do I be confident and self-assured when I'm not?"

Act like you are until you are. I can't really tell you how to stop being insecure other than act secure, unworried, and like you have answers even if you don't. Don't show fear. Instead of worrying about dancing, just do it. Don't sweat and make excuses. The guy who dances and looks a little off, but enjoys himself is a lot more appealing than the grown adult who's literally too scared. You just need an attitude adjustment.
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Old 5th October 2017, 11:53 AM   #49
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As I've said, you don't sound like you're projecting a particularly desirable, confident, persona. You sound insecure, desperate, unsure, and miserable. It's not attractive, people are unlikely going to want to be near someone like that, and it's probably more obvious than you think. Instead, you should be confident, self-assured, and content. I know this begs the question "How do I be confident and self-assured when I'm not?"
You seem to think I'm an unlikable guy, and whilst I've certainly had issues making friends I've also had plenty of good moments as well. Last night I went to this event and had plenty of people talking to me, and when a handful of us decided to get a taxi together out of the blue they all said they were glad I'd joined them because they think I'm cool and enjoy my company (all female, by the way). Hell I got introduced to a bunch of lads last night and they instantly bought me a drink!

It's women and attraction I really have a big issue with.

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Act like you are until you are. I can't really tell you how to stop being insecure other than act secure, unworried, and like you have answers even if you don't. Don't show fear. Instead of worrying about dancing, just do it. Don't sweat and make excuses. The guy who dances and looks a little off, but enjoys himself is a lot more appealing than the grown adult who's literally too scared. You just need an attitude adjustment.
I'm a little confused so seeking clarification; do you think I don't go out and enjoy myself, instead sulking in a corner? Because I can assure you I don't. I go out to have a good time and I generally do, dancing around (albeit poorly ) and having a laugh with friends. Last night I honestly just didn't give a damn how I looked and even when people went off, I was dancing on my own with a smile on my face.

I don't really know what to say. You appear to think I'm a really boring, unsocial person when it couldn't be any further from the truth. I'm just not the most extroverted.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:03 PM   #50
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Op, do you expect women to fall all over you every time you go to the club because if so, you are in for disappointment. I'd say that happens to only a small percentage of guys often (top 5% aesthetics or fame, whatever ) The rest aren't approached and asked out by women they find attractive that often. Men are often required have to at least flirt then 'seal the deal'. When's the last time time you approached, talked/flirted, and asked a girl on a date?
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:43 PM   #51
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Op, do you expect women to fall all over you every time you go to the club because if so, you are in for disappointment. I'd say that happens to only a small percentage of guys often (top 5% aesthetics or fame, whatever ) The rest aren't approached and asked out by women they find attractive that often. Men are often required have to at least flirt then 'seal the deal'. When's the last time time you approached, talked/flirted, and asked a girl on a date?
Agreed, like it or not, he will have to ask out the woman at his age. (It changed a little as one gets older. Women get a little more forthcoming.) A simple chat is not enough, the OP will need to risk being rejected.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:12 PM   #52
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Op, do you expect women to fall all over you every time you go to the club because if so, you are in for disappointment. I'd say that happens to only a small percentage of guys often (top 5% aesthetics or fame, whatever ) The rest aren't approached and asked out by women they find attractive that often. Men are often required have to at least flirt then 'seal the deal'. When's the last time time you approached, talked/flirted, and asked a girl on a date?
'n yet I've seen men certainly not in the top 5% getting the girls without much, if any effort.

I haven't met a woman I'd consider dating for quite a few months. I've only just got back to uni, and have been focused on making more connections in general (so far, so good).

The thing is I'm not scared of approaching women. Most of my friends are women. I'm also not scared asking a girl out on a date. When I actually meet someone I get to know a little bit / like the look of, I'll go ahead and do it. Those opportunities are few and far between, however. Last girl I asked out on a date said yes and then bailed on me, that was in April time.

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Agreed, like it or not, he will have to ask out the woman at his age. (It changed a little as one gets older. Women get a little more forthcoming.) A simple chat is not enough, the OP will need to risk being rejected.
I think it's fair to just summarize that I'm not an attractive guy and that's why I'm not getting anywhere.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:02 PM   #53
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[...]
The thing is I'm not scared of approaching women. Most of my friends are women. I'm also not scared asking a girl out on a date. When I actually meet someone I get to know a little bit / like the look of, I'll go ahead and do it. Those opportunities are few and far between, however. Last girl I asked out on a date said yes and then bailed on me, that was in April time.
You need to get your numbers up. As a student I set myself a goal to have a chat with a woman I didn't know about once a day. I think it pretty much averaged out to that, between good, bad and just busy days. I didn't ask out many of them, as I realize we wouldn't match whatsoever, but by the sheer number of women I talked to I found some I was more than interested in.

Your own method may vary, but just having a circle of female friends doesn't help, it may be even more of a hindrance unless they are actively trying to set you up with somebody.

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I think it's fair to just summarize that I'm not an attractive guy and that's why I'm not getting anywhere.
I doubt it. I was a skinny stutterer during most of my adolescence. Yet I was able to, often very awkwardly, chat up women.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:33 PM   #54
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You need to get your numbers up. As a student I set myself a goal to have a chat with a woman I didn't know about once a day. I think it pretty much averaged out to that, between good, bad and just busy days. I didn't ask out many of them, as I realize we wouldn't match whatsoever, but by the sheer number of women I talked to I found some I was more than interested in.
The only way I could do that would be to cold-approach, and that isn't really my style. I can ask girls out, no problem, it's simply a case of meeting girls that will actually speak to me. Since online dating isn't an option for me, I'm limited to parties, clubs and society events, the first two being rather difficult given my lack of experience in those areas and the latter being difficult as it's often the same women...and I simply don't have the time to extend myself too far.

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Your own method may vary, but just having a circle of female friends doesn't help, it may be even more of a hindrance unless they are actively trying to set you up with somebody.
Apologies for any confusion, I'm only trying to point out that I can speak to women.

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I doubt it. I was a skinny stutterer during most of my adolescence. Yet I was able to, often very awkwardly, chat up women.
Then you were fortunate that the opportunities presented themselves. I myself haven't been so lucky.

I had another night out, enjoyed myself. It was a big event and at one point I almost tripped a girl up, for which I apologized and I think maybe she tried to dance with me afterwards. Unfortunately having never been danced with before I cannot tell if they're simply in proximity due to limited space or her getting closer / touching was a "sign", but I didn't do anything to find out. I ended up having to take a friend home anyway so...LightWave93 playing the Good Samaritan, as always.
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Old 6th October 2017, 3:22 AM   #55
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The only way I could do that would be to cold-approach, and that isn't really my style. I can ask girls out, no problem, it's simply a case of meeting girls that will actually speak to me. Since online dating isn't an option for me, I'm limited to parties, clubs and society events, the first two being rather difficult given my lack of experience in those areas and the latter being difficult as it's often the same women...and I simply don't have the time to extend myself too far.
By ruling out cold approaches and online dating you are limiting yourself severely. (And with cold approaches I simply mean smalltalk with strangers.) Most of my relationships literally started with something I did in public that lead to something else, such as a woman I talked to on the subway, that led to me going to an event where she introduced me to a friend. But pretty much all of them were triggered by me actively reaching out to somebody I didn't know.

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Then you were fortunate that the opportunities presented themselves. I myself haven't been so lucky.
You don't use public transportation, walk in a street, sit in a waiting room? It's not about waiting for opportunities but simply talking to people.

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I had another night out, enjoyed myself. It was a big event and at one point I almost tripped a girl up, for which I apologized and I think maybe she tried to dance with me afterwards. Unfortunately having never been danced with before I cannot tell if they're simply in proximity due to limited space or her getting closer / touching was a "sign", but I didn't do anything to find out. I ended up having to take a friend home anyway so...LightWave93 playing the Good Samaritan, as always.
That was just physical proximity. Don't even try to interpret body language unless she actually smiles at you. It's just one big attribution error.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:39 AM   #56
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By ruling out cold approaches and online dating you are limiting yourself severely. (And with cold approaches I simply mean smalltalk with strangers.) Most of my relationships literally started with something I did in public that lead to something else, such as a woman I talked to on the subway, that led to me going to an event where she introduced me to a friend. But pretty much all of them were triggered by me actively reaching out to somebody I didn't know.
Oh, in that case then I do talk to strangers. Never leads onto anything, we simply have the small talk and that's that.
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Old 6th October 2017, 9:13 AM   #57
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Oh, in that case then I do talk to strangers. Never leads onto anything, we simply have the small talk and that's that.
Do you ever like any of these strangers, do you push further? Do you flirt with them?
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:02 AM   #58
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To me, it sounds like this is a combination of a self-confidence issue. Also, it doesn't seem like you're "playing the numbers". I've told the following story over this site a few times but I'll toss it out there again.

When I was about your age, I had been in a slump for about six months after getting dumped by a serious girlfriend. One of my friends at the time was 5'8'', 300lbs and balding. He pulled me aside, chewed me out for being self-deprecating and took me out on the town.

Before we went out, we made a bet; we'd hit up every other bar in the town, have a single drink at each bar so we didn't get hammered and and try to get as many phone numbers as possible. The one with the fewest numbers at the end of the night owed the other one dinner the next night.

We'd ask out any woman that caught our attention. No cheesy pick-up lines; just walk up to them, bluntly offer to buy them a drink and let the chips fall where they may.

I was hesitant, initially, but my friend never had a hard time picking up good looking women because he had one simple mantra: "it's their loss if they shoot you down."

Long story short, I probably hit up about fifty women by the end of the night and walked away with a dozen phone numbers and picked up a few dates. I got shot down hard by a few of them but I was never rude or creepy; I simply approached them and said "hey, my name is OatsAndHall and I'd like to buy you a drink."

He had nearly twenty numbers and ended up going out with one of the most gorgeous women on campus the next weekend. I had no problem buying him dinner the next night because a) I had a good time and b) my self-confidence soared. Yeah, I got shot down by 75% of the women that I approached but I didn't care because I ended up with four dates with four women that I was attracted to.

The moral of the story is simple; find ways to approach women and ask them out and do it consistently.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:21 PM   #59
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Do you ever like any of these strangers, do you push further? Do you flirt with them?
I find it very difficult to judge my ability to flirt because even though I'm told I'm a good one, I simply feel as though I'm being playful. I do the same with my female friends, it's a natural way for me to converse in a social setting.

But, in short, on the rare occasion I do meet a girl etc, then yes...I do.

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To me, it sounds like this is a combination of a self-confidence issue. Also, it doesn't seem like you're "playing the numbers". I've told the following story over this site a few times but I'll toss it out there again.
Nice story, and I would agree it's partly a confidence issue (three years of this, I'm pretty sure anyone would be in a slump). Thing is, I don't see anyone else "playing the numbers". Everyone else I know somehow meets potential partners in the very same social events that I attend, and whatever happens, happens organically, made easier because the girls show interest. Thing is, I don't feel it's the right way going about doing things walking up to every woman I deem attractive and asking for a number. It's too "PUA" and less real to me. All I want, all I've ever wanted, is to just live life as most other people and have opportunities crop up for me to take hold of. It never happens.

I mean, the social events I've attended have predominately had women. Some have initiated conversation with me, others vice versa. I had one girl practically glued to be the one evening. Today I met up with a female friend one-on-one, her invitation. I have another asking me out tomorrow. I'll chat with them, be playful, make them laugh, but I can promise you not a single damn one would ever entertain the idea of sleeping with me, let alone a relationship. Case in point; I meet women, sometimes make a connection with them, but it's never sexual / romantic.
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Old 6th October 2017, 1:00 PM   #60
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Yeah, I agree it's a confidence issue. Nothing happens organically, somebody has to dare, has to risk something, even if in small increments. There is no 'it" that makes it happen, nothing that evolves organically. Playing it safe and just being nice doesn't cut it.

Sad thing is, you do seem to do everything right up to the point where you could possibly face rejection.
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