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In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 1st October 2017, 11:35 AM   #16
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So essentially I have to accept that women will only want me because the men they'd prefer are taken? Not exactly a comfortable scenario to live with.
Not what I meant, at all.

Just saying, a man who has something to offer a woman should eventually find success with dating. The odds are in your favour - how you see that and what you do with that, is your choice.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:44 AM   #17
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Not what I meant, at all.

Just saying, a man who has something to offer a woman should eventually find success with dating. The odds are in your favour - how you see that and what you do with that, is your choice.
That is essentially what it boils down to though, doesn't it? I have no perceived value now, but when their first choice(s) are gone, I'm settled with.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic given the situation; I don't want to be a womanizer but nor do I want to be unsuccessful.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:52 AM   #18
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That is essentially what it boils down to though, doesn't it? I have no perceived value now, but when their first choice(s) are gone, I'm settled with.

Maybe I'm just being pessimistic given the situation; I don't want to be a womanizer but nor do I want to be unsuccessful.
You are being very pessimistic... And no, that's not what it boils down too... But, who am I to try and convince you otherwise.

Look - my best advice is... If you are a good guy, who is working toward a good future, if you look nice, are interesting to talk too, have a sense of humor, have confidence and believe that you have something to offer someone else... Then you will eventually meet someone (luck meets opportunity) and it will happen for you...

Be the kind of person with whom people enjoy spending time. Women, anyone really, wants to spend time with other people with whom they have fun and make them feel good when they are together. Whether your interest is board games, sports, or politics - whatever!

If you are that kind of person... people will want to spend time with you and you will find yourself with a few opportunities. Become bitter and foster a negative and pessamistic attitude about social relationships... and you will find yourself alone.

Good luck to you.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:53 AM   #19
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I do want a quality relationship, and I'd value that over anything else, but I also like sex. I like to meet new people, and date. Whenever I read threads online offering advice to people my age or younger, oft times they do the same as you and suggest refocusing their efforts and have fun.

I'm a 24 year old male that's missing out on dating culture in general. It's not just about finding "the one".
I'm offering an advice just from my own perspective - I never even went on a date before hitting 27, and yeah, I missed sex but I didn't miss on the traditional 'dating culture' one bit. And compensated for sex later If I can repeat my life - I'll do it exactly the same way.

Just for sex, I'm sure there are easier ways than traditional dating sites, or maybe mass messaging on Tinder? IDK because I haven't been interested in trying that.
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Old 1st October 2017, 11:58 AM   #20
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You are being very pessimistic... And no, that's not what it boils down too... But, who am I to try and convince you otherwise.

Look - my best advice is... If you are a good guy, who is working toward a good future, if you look nice, are interesting to talk too, have a sense of humor, have confidence and believe that you have something to offer someone else... Then you will eventually meet someone (luck meets opportunity) and it will happen for you...

Be the kind of person with whom people enjoy spending time. Women, anyone really, wants to spend time with other people with whom they have fun and make them feel good when they are together. Whether your interest is board games, sports, or politics - whatever!

If you are that kind of person... people will want to spend time with you and you will find yourself with a few opportunities. Become bitter and foster a negative and pessamistic attitude about social relationships... and you will find yourself alone.

Good luck to you.
Well people enjoy my company, even though I don't have a massive social circle, and people often say how great I am. I am very pessimistic when it comes to dating, however.

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Just for sex, I'm sure there are easier ways than traditional dating sites, or maybe mass messaging on Tinder? IDK because I haven't been interested in trying that.
More pointing out the fact I can't get so much as a kiss on a cheek, and I'm so undesirable women my age (in a culture very casual-sex driven) won't even consider me for a one-nighter.
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Old 1st October 2017, 12:02 PM   #21
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And if you think I don't know how you feel...

I didn't start dating until after university because I was busy living my life and I didn't really have the confidence to date. I thought somehow, he was going to find me and when that didn't happen... Well, I was surprised!

So, after university, I started looking for opportunities - blind dates, family friends, speed dating, etc... I went out on MANY first and second dates... But, there were not many people that I liked. I got so frustrated because what seemed so easy for everyone else was not happening for me. Eventually, I quit dating and decided to live my life because "love was not for me." I was happier when I did this, than while I was dating and wondering "why not me..."

And then, after 10+ years of dating, I met a wonderful guy. He couldn't believe that I was not married or dating someone else, but as I told him... I had been taking applications for a long time and he was the successful applicant! We have been very happily dating for quite some time and plan to move in together very soon.

So, I do believe that you can be a wonderful person... But until you are lucky enough for the right person to come along... You just have stay open to possibilities, seek opportunities, and continue to live your life.
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Old 1st October 2017, 12:08 PM   #22
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dating pessimism is kind of chicken or the egg. I'm not going to pin your lack of success in dating on your negative attitude about dating because it could very well stem from that.

There's nothing wrong with having a wide variety of interests. That's actually a great thing. Unless you're online dating. People want to pigeon hole you on there, and if you can't be, they'll skip you for someone they can. Just my observation. Maybe try it as a social experiment that might benefit you.

As no_go said, be specific as possible and confident! Don't be like "uh I like a little of everything. It's all pretty cool"
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Old 1st October 2017, 12:41 PM   #23
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Op, you are hot(Everyone, OP is hot). I can't understand how you'd struggle to get some girls on online unless your profile is off or something is off with your texting/chatting style. Are you kind of picky?
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Old 1st October 2017, 12:52 PM   #24
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And if you think I don't know how you feel...

I didn't start dating until after university because I was busy living my life and I didn't really have the confidence to date. I thought somehow, he was going to find me and when that didn't happen... Well, I was surprised!

So, after university, I started looking for opportunities - blind dates, family friends, speed dating, etc... I went out on MANY first and second dates... But, there were not many people that I liked. I got so frustrated because what seemed so easy for everyone else was not happening for me. Eventually, I quit dating and decided to live my life because "love was not for me." I was happier when I did this, than while I was dating and wondering "why not me..."

And then, after 10+ years of dating, I met a wonderful guy. He couldn't believe that I was not married or dating someone else, but as I told him... I had been taking applications for a long time and he was the successful applicant! We have been very happily dating for quite some time and plan to move in together very soon.

So, I do believe that you can be a wonderful person... But until you are lucky enough for the right person to come along... You just have stay open to possibilities, seek opportunities, and continue to live your life.
Hey, you're older and wiser than me. I trust your judgement.

I think for me what bothers me the most is a lack of opportunity. I know what a long-term relationship is like because I had one, it ended badly and hurt a great deal. I've never had chance to "play the field", take girls for coffee on a regular enough basis or maybe just a quick fling. Unfortunately that is the culture I live in, and it's hard not to feel inadequate for not taking part in it.

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Op, you are hot(Everyone, OP is hot). I can't understand how you'd struggle to get some girls on online unless your profile is off or something is off with your texting/chatting style. Are you kind of picky?
Ha, thanks Cookiesandough! Now I'm even more confused!

I don't really get a chance to talk with girls so I honestly can't say what I'm doing wrong in that department. If I do decide to message a girl, I always strive for a personal message as opposed to generic "Hi, how are you?".

Picky? No, not really. Obviously wouldn't mind a stunner, but I've attempted to date girls who were average conventionally-speaking (I hate judging people's appearances). As long as I find them sexually-attractive, I'm all for getting to know them.

Last edited by LightWave93; 1st October 2017 at 12:54 PM..
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:36 PM   #25
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I understand, OP. It's tough for guys on there. They are looking for someone soooo freaking specific most of the time. Having standards is good though.


It sounds like it's not much better IRL. Would you say you're confident? You said you can't get drunken kisses at a night club or hookups etc. I struggle with that stuff myself, though I've never really attempted. I will say, you don't give off an overtly sexual/hookup sort. I think you would need to get that acrossed with your body language and energy in person. Like when you are dancing with a hottie, touch her in sexy places like the small of her back and look at her lips etc. Have to learn to read the signs( I suppose for some this comes more naturally than others) and be kind of be bold

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 1st October 2017 at 1:38 PM..
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:39 PM   #26
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Maybe this is part of your problem. A 24 year old still in school, trying to score with with 18-20 year olds could be kind of "creepy" looking. I'd wager women are bit turned off by this. When I was in school if there was someone your age who still hadn't graduated but insisted on hanging around all the younger people and trying to pick the girls, people would view him much less than favorably. There's nothing wrong with being 24 and still in school, but you've got to consider the optics of the situation. It's just not a good look.

Someone your age and still in school is pretty behind the ball. A girl could go out with someone her own age progressing at the normal pace. Or if she actually wanted to go out with someone older, she could date a 24 year old who's been out of school for 3 years already and has a decent job.

I'm sure your luck will turn when you're out of school, if not earlier. Then you can date people your own age and won't have the stigma of being the old guy on campus trying to date teenagers. Best of luck.
Have to agree here. For some reason, you don't seem to do well with the college crowd. I had the same problem. Didn't have any luck with women until I graduated and had a good career going. I know that's not what you want to hear but you might just need to hang in there and keep working on yourself.
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:50 PM   #27
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While I can see that, I would also think first sight no one knows what OP does. He could lie if he's just looking for hookups, make outs at clubs, coffee dates. It's really about looks and charm if that's his goal
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:50 PM   #28
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It sounds like it's not much better IRL. Would you say you're confident? You said you can't get drunken kisses at a night club or hookups etc. I struggle with that stuff myself, though I've never really attempted. I will say, you don't give off an overtly sexual/hookup sort. I think you would need to get that acrossed with your body language and energy in person. Like when you are dancing with a hottie, touch her in sexy places like the small of her back and look at her lips etc. Have to learn to read the signs( I suppose for some this comes more naturally than others) and be kind of be bold
The problem I'm currently facing is a lack of a friendship circle so I have the potential to meet people. I mixed with the wrong group last few years, but I'm getting back out there with two different groups over the course of the next week (and I'm hoping/praying it'll go well!).

The other is a more historic issue. I was bullied as a child, had social anxiety to the point I couldn't make eye-contact, with mutter in response to people, look at the ground etc. I got better as I got older, but I had a traumatic breakup in 2015 that really knocked me back (aged 22). Last few years I've really, and I mean really pushed myself; last year I was working like five jobs whilst trying to find time to do uni work and a social life. It's been hectic. Now I'm fairly confident in that I can hold a conversation, approach new people, put myself outside of my comfortzone etc, but I'm not Chad who won the genetic lottery and has had girls hanging off him for x amount of years. I don't have a whole lot of experience with woman; one long-term relationship, one short.

That is all to say, the prospect of dancing with anyone in a club let alone a hottie is quite difficult for me to comprehend. I can't dance, for starters, though with a few drinks I couldn't really give a ****. I've never had a girl try to dance with me, though quite frankly I wouldn't know the signs if they were (tried to be positive the other night when a woman who was REALLY HOT was dancing nearby / next to me and even sat down when I did, but that just wishful thinking and she was soon whisked away lol). Last but not least, in other social situations it's usually easy to bounce off a conversation ("Who do you know at this party" which then turns to talking my uni, courses etc, or if at a society you ask how long they've enjoyed x for. What the bloody hell do you say in a club?).

@Cookiesandough

You've seen my profile; any tips? You think I'm hot, but what about the quality of my photos? Do I seem interesting etc? Though I've since changed so one of them is me paragliding.

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Have to agree here. For some reason, you don't seem to do well with the college crowd. I had the same problem. Didn't have any luck with women until I graduated and had a good career going. I know that's not what you want to hear but you might just need to hang in there and keep working on yourself.
If it all works out in the end, great, but I can't help but feel second (third, forth, fifth, sixth...?) best if I'm a decent, quality person now and getting overlooked for whatever reason.
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Old 1st October 2017, 1:55 PM   #29
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** I am not suggesting to lie lol** I am just pointing out there is no reason a 24 year old guy in college can't get dates with girls. There a ton of 24 year old students out there dating. And especially with those eyes...

Do continue improving!!!
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:22 PM   #30
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** I am not suggesting to lie lol** I am just pointing out there is no reason a 24 year old guy in college can't get dates with girls.
Well, that's the situation I find myself in.
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