LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

Case in point, so easy for others not me


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree49Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12th September 2017, 7:08 PM   #1
Established Member
 
mortensorchid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,078
Case in point, so easy for others not me

My friend who I will call Sarah moved back to my city a few weeks/months ago after being away for seven years. I had not seen/heard from her the whole time, then out of the blue she sends me an IM through Facebook one day saying she was returning. I was happy. She was moving back to be with this guy she was with and when she arrived he went poof (long story I won't get into). She moved in with this other guy and they have been living together as roommates since.

She has a new bf. Now granted, I don't know this guy at all but I did meet him for a flash a few weeks ago. He actually worked as a cashier at a liquor store across the street from her apartment building, we went across the street to buy for a Saturday night before the TV, I remember nothing about him except someone said he must have cut off all his dreadlocks to impress her. (And he had short hair, I remember that fact.) Since then, she asked him out, and I guess they are quite happy. Granted it's only been a few weeks since they are together.

Just goes to show you how easy it is for everyone else. I don't attempt to meet people online anymore, although I have had a few friend interactions which have gone a few places (as friends nothing more). After getting stabbed in back and mistreated so many times my self esteem is in the gutter. The last time I asked someone out he said "I am not interested in you romantically" and I walked away after that humiliation. Something inside of me must have died, it was a turning point moment in so many ways. People say the same things : your fishing in the wrong pond, have hope, etc. I live a life of isolation once again - not interacting with people outside of special people I am training for jobs, substitute teaching (you're not one with the students nor the others on staff at the schools you are teaching at and don't think you are for a moment - learned that the hard way). All alone. I'm not complaining, it's just what it is.
mortensorchid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th September 2017, 7:16 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,585
Why not ask Sarah what her secret is?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th September 2017, 7:27 PM   #3
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,080
When people are content and happy in their own skin, people flock to them.

When people have a positive energy, a contagious smile and laugh, a zest for life, people flock to them.

I have noticed when I am really happy with myself, just feelin' myself, other people feel it to and want to be around me.

Sometimes I find myself smiling or having a silent chuckle, because I think I am that damn funny... And the dialogue in my own head comes across my face - I see strangers try to make eye contact. I see others wanting to smile too....

What the dialogue in your head? I have a feeling that is where things start.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th September 2017, 9:57 PM   #4
Established Member
 
mortensorchid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,078
I don't think Sarah has a secret. I don't think anyone has a secret quite honesty. I'm too out there, been burned so many times it's hysterical. I feel like no one wants me no matter what is or isn't happening. I don't see anyone around me. I'm just not one of THEM. I exist in the world, that's all.
mortensorchid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th September 2017, 10:14 PM   #5
Established Member
 
Woggle's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Santa Monica California
Posts: 28,191
When you have the negative nobody wants me mentality it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe Sarah doesn't have that.
__________________
You know people have completely lost it when you can no longer tell the difference between real headlines and Onion headlines.
Woggle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 2:32 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 73
At least you haven't been approached in public by the opposite sex on more than one occasion and told that you're ugly like I have. Women have told me point blank throughout my life that I'm hideous. I wish I could tell you that I "didn't let it get to me and now I'm dating attractive women", but that would be the precise opposite of true. It has utterly destroyed my soul and led my life to ruin. I'm still a virgin and have never even kissed a girl. Every time I look in the mirror, the reason why is confirmed.

My advice to you is just to make yourself attractive and available. Men will flow in. That's just how it is. Women don't have much to worry about.
Code123 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 8:16 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 100
So Sarah uproots her life to be with a man who promptly disappears on her. Where is the easy part?
lovephule is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 8:46 AM   #8
Established Member
 
CptInsano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: South of Lake Erie
Posts: 1,372
Quote:
Originally Posted by mortensorchid View Post
I don't think Sarah has a secret. I don't think anyone has a secret quite honesty. I'm too out there, been burned so many times it's hysterical. I feel like no one wants me no matter what is or isn't happening. I don't see anyone around me. I'm just not one of THEM. I exist in the world, that's all.
You are employed, seem to have your life together overall, and are definitely not ugly. Do you have an idea of what exactly doesn't make you one of them?
__________________
"You can't compare cars to women. Cars need to be loved." -Walter Röhrl
CptInsano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 8:50 AM   #9
Established Member
 
amaysngrace's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Jersey Shore
Posts: 23,317
What do you LIKE about yourself? All I'm hearing are things you don't.
__________________
just dance
amaysngrace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 1:47 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 2,113
Sarah was interested in him and asked him out. She knew what she wanted and put effort into achieving results. Did you put an equal amount of effort into the guy you were recently interested in?
Shining One is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 2:43 PM   #11
Established Member
 
CautiouslyOptimistic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 2,200
How does your personality differ from your personality?
CautiouslyOptimistic is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 2:49 PM   #12
Established Member
 
RecentChange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
Posts: 4,080
Quote:
Originally Posted by Code123 View Post
At least you haven't been approached in public by the opposite sex on more than one occasion and told that you're ugly like I have. Women have told me point blank throughout my life that I'm hideous. I wish I could tell you that I "didn't let it get to me and now I'm dating attractive women", but that would be the precise opposite of true. It has utterly destroyed my soul and led my life to ruin. I'm still a virgin and have never even kissed a girl. Every time I look in the mirror, the reason why is confirmed.
Has this happened as an adult? Strangers walk up to you out of nowhere and say this?

I heard it plenty through my school years, people can be cruel.

But I didn't internalize it, instead I decided that they were *********s and that I was smarter, classier and more capable than them anyway.

Sure all a woman needs to do is "be attractive" and all a man needs to do is be successful. Good job, good people skills, and ugly men land beautiful women.

Smarts and success doesn't bring women the same sort of dating advantage.
RecentChange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 4:20 PM   #13
Established Member
 
mortensorchid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,078
Code123 - I have had people tell me that I am ugly. I have had people tell me that I am crazy, that I am stupid, that I am many, many inferior things compared to them. I know what you're saying - that they are insecure and they do this to make themselves feel better about themselves by chipping away at the self esteem of others around them. There never was a doubt in my mind after a certain point that this is what it's all about.

As to the fishing in the wrong pond situation - either with friends or dating situations ... Unfortunately for me I think it was really over by the time I graduated from college at age 22. I was from that point forward no longer surrounded by people my age nor was I surrounded by people who came from good homes or were educated (I was lucky if I was with those who finished high school in many office situations). My father at first forced me into situations when I was first in the world - he dragged me kicking and screaming once to a high school football game when I wanted to go out with a new friend I met in the office and meet new adult friends, another time demanded that I go to an alumni get together and maybe 5 people showed up to it. Then he gave up, thank God. But that's a separate issue with me and him.

And am I okay? Well none of the guys I have met who are white collar and educated want me because they think I am either crazy or a bitch or they are intimidated by me because I have an exciting life, that I'm a go getter, that I am not a snob, that I am popular with others, etc. And none of the guys who are blue collar and uneducated want me for the same reasons.

And yet, at the same time, a guy friend recently told me that most men settle for the first woman who pays attention to them. So ... Tell me what it's all about then.
mortensorchid is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 5:28 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Eternal Sunshine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 11,080
I know this is an over-simplification but if I could pinpoint one single trait that women who don't do that well with men have: they are introverted, some highly so.

This makes it hard for them two-fold: they meet less men because they enjoy solitary activities and they make men feel somewhat awkward to be around them because they don't chatter away and entertain them.

All introverted women I know that have found decent partners, met them in high school/college. Those quality, educated, honest and loyal men that value introverted qualities in a woman have settled down early and stay settled down.


Our only hope is widowers really
__________________
"I understand who you want me to be but, I am going to show you who I actually am"
Eternal Sunshine is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th September 2017, 11:17 PM   #15
Established Member
 
mortensorchid's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Northeast Ohio
Posts: 4,078
And with all my terrible experiences and luck with men in my past, I feel I have been stabbed, broken, etc. So I assume whenever I meet a man that he doesn't like me, or he will find an excuse as to how / why he can't be with me, either because he will grow to hate me or he will feel inferior next to me, and he'll end up being emotionally abusive towards me. Fact. So no point in getting happy or excited or whatever else about it, all they ever do is hurt me if I let them in.
mortensorchid is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Attraction seems so fragile, is it easy for people to lose interest suddenly so easy marxman2015 Dating 30 2nd September 2016 12:33 PM
Case of G.I.G.S - Is this it? JustBreath Breaks and Breaking Up 0 19th June 2014 1:23 PM
High point, low point and what did you learn today? Michelle ma Belle Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 1 19th June 2014 8:41 AM
Case in point once again proven mortensorchid Dating 15 19th October 2011 9:27 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:52 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.