40daysforthen253 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 (edited) QUESTION: How do you disclose your most controversial views? Backstrory: Dating new girl. Girl opened with "just making sure you're not ok with [a politician I happen to love] because anyone who likes that person is pure evil." In all fairness to her, I'm in an area where my politics are despised. I saw a different girl today. Girl asked who I'd most want to get dinner with, living or dead. I told her the truth, naming that same politician. I was ready for "you're awful!". But it didn't seem matter to her. We hit it off. QUESTION: How should you disclose your most controversial views to a date? Edited February 25, 2017 by 40daysforthen253 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Just disclose them in a polite manner when the conversation comes up. If she leaves, you weren't compatible to start with, might as well move on. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Just be honest when the topic comes up. If it's a dealbreaker, better to know about your incompatibility sooner rather than later. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 If there is anything about a particular politician you don't like, concede that shortcoming to give the other person the assurance that you are not a mindless zealot. I've never met anybody who is passionate about politics who thinks everything their candidate does is amazing. Talk about how polarization is a bad thing & if we expect our politicians to work across the aisle we have to find a way to talk to each other as citizens. Offer the olive branch without moving from your core beliefs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 While I welcome and often engage in any debate, I don't waste my time with intolerant people... Pass... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 There is a time and place for everything, dating should be fun and full of conversation that is positive, engaging and puts your best foot forward. We all have controversial opinions and as such those can be taken negatively and paint you in a negative light... I would let those items come out through time while spending a good deal of time together rather than spoil a budding relationship by blurting things out in the first handful of dates. Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 [...] I've never met anybody who is passionate about politics who thinks everything their candidate does is amazing. [...] I did. Then again, I had to deal with party activists and campaign staffs. Some of these women were attractive, but they had every little last drop of the Kool Aid, and while my views aren't that controversial, I doubt they would have dated anybody outside of their realm. But those are the exceptions. Most people are reasonable, and sometimes a little tension and a good debate can be intriguing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 The temptation for me has been to want to challenge them on why just to see if they're intelligent on the subject or just a sheep following the herd. I wouldn't be happy with either one if they liked an extremist who scared me, because if they know what they're talking about and know the facts, then they're as scary as he is. If they are just joining the bandwagon, well, they're probably easily influened, and that's okay when someone is young, but there's no excuse for it once you're 30 or so. I wouldn't date a Trump supporter, but I will tolerate them for something less personal. They can be my electrician or my mechanic or my neighbor, but I'm not about to fall in love with them if we're that far apart on politics or religion, though I have long since conceded that every single person has their own religion, whether they realize it or not, so as long as it doesn't entail ethics I can't agree with, I leave that alone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I'd be more concerned about the broad generalization that anyone with differing views or belief systems is 'evil'. How they act on those views can be perceived as anti-social, criminal or evil, but holding them is holding them. Personally, I'd own the evil and opt out with this one. Next. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 QUESTION: How do you disclose your most controversial views? Backstrory: Dating new girl. Girl opened with "just making sure you're not ok with [a politician I happen to love] because anyone who likes that person is pure evil." In all fairness to her, I'm in an area where my politics are despised. I saw a different girl today. Girl asked who I'd most want to get dinner with, living or dead. I told her the truth, naming that same politician. I was ready for "you're awful!". But it didn't seem matter to her. We hit it off. QUESTION: How should you disclose your most controversial views to a date? I know many couples who are happy together with different beliefs and political views. Its not a issue of compatibility.. its how mature you guys can discuss and deal with these non-compatibilities. I highly doubt every single democrats is married to a democrat and so on. If the date thinks your pure evil... Check please! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Well, I think a whole lot of people, maybe a third of them at least, like who they like without ever really gathering the facts. They aren't really that interested in it, even enough to read a paper or watch the news regularly. So they probably aren't going to be a huge problem except they are out of touch, which didn't bother me at all when young (I was out of touch) but would as an adult who's seen a little live history in my lifetime. So age matters, and whether any actual thinking has gone into it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I'd just offer it up in a non-judgmental way. If she can't accept it then it is her loss. Honestly, as long as someone has an informed opinion that is all that matters to me. In some ways having a different or contrary opinion is more desirable. "Ya, ya, exactly!" is not my opinion of a thrilling conversation. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 In my OLD profile I put that I was a liberal and an atheist. I figured that would weed out people who were not like me or weren't okay with it and save me time. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnnieRose Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 I think it's very important to be on the same page with people as it pertains to hot topics like religion and politics. If their views didn't align with mine, I wouldn't be with them. I reveal my stances as soon as possible to ot to waste either of our times. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 i dont expect everyone to have the same views as me nobody should...we need to learn to get along ......and that means accepting people differ......one deal breaker for me though...is men who who degrade hookers..verbally who look at them liek scum of the earth........because i used to be one...makes me not a match for the guy....pure and simple... political views i can live with.....i would prefer a guy be honest than lie because eventually i ask the question straight up if i am seriously considering him as a long term potential relationship..... without disclosing my history.....i flesh out his thoughts on that particular subject...straight up honesty is always better when it comes to beliefs and views on controversial topics................deb Link to post Share on other sites
Sweetfish Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 i dont expect everyone to have the same views as me nobody should...we need to learn to get along ......and that means accepting people differ......one deal breaker for me though...is men who who degrade hookers..verbally who look at them liek scum of the earth........because i used to be one...makes me not a match for the guy....pure and simple... political views i can live with.....i would prefer a guy be honest than lie because eventually i ask the question straight up if i am seriously considering him as a long term potential relationship..... without disclosing my history.....i flesh out his thoughts on that particular subject...straight up honesty is always better when it comes to beliefs and views on controversial topics................deb Its an interesting comment as I know people in business suits and high end position who can be scum of the earth. Scum comes in all shades... too bad as a society we hand pick groups to be such. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cirilla Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 As someone whose political views are very much the minority in my area and who has been castigated and even occasionally ostracized for it, I feel your pain, OP. I have friends who are coupled with people that are the polar opposites of themselves when it comes to politics and they said that after a certain period of debating/arguing, they all decided the other person meant more to them than having to be right. So they've agreed to disagree and are happily together. Dating someone who has different views than me (as I'm the minority) is something I pretty much expect, and I've definitely noticed I'm more tolerant of the idea than the people around here who are on the "other side" (it's actually a false dichotomy if you ask me). That being said, I'm so fed up with everything that's been going on and everyone's constant spewing of vitriol for the other side out of their mouths that I've had to listen to for over a year, that if someone said to me on a date the things the first person said to you, I'd be politely done with them right after dinner. That person sounds intolerant and full of themselves and I'm too old to put up with something like that potentially directed at me. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 (edited) Its an interesting comment as I know people in business suits and high end position who can be scum of the earth. Scum comes in all shades... too bad as a society we hand pick groups to be such. true......i think its humanity's trait to see a spectrum and polarize it..high end successful businessman you want to be men of character or women of character..we almost need to justify that they are deserving of accolades personal and or financial......and when we see massive success its a lot nicer to believe they deserve that and cheer them on.....to see them achieve even more..... to think a hooker or an ex hooker may be a woman of character..... genuinely good..just down on circumstance..far harder to believe......far harder to believe a pro or ex pro might also be honest loyal giving generous big hearted and trustworthy(a woman of character) i tend to polarize sometimes myself i like things to be clear cut, black and white and easy to see or read......but people aint easy.life isnt easy..i remind myself of this when i have thoughts of judgment on another....and then look at my own flaws the past mistakes i have made.......gives me the distinct desire not to judge people i don't know and get to know them...however prickly the outside skin is.......... controversial topics....controversial topics arent whole people...and whatever their views are on the controversy..........should be heard and understood...doesnt mean you convert to their way of thinking..but you respect the person who has those views....far more important than just an opinion...is the respect you show for the other persons views.....even if it means you arent a match.....you can still show respect.......deb Edited February 26, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 (edited) QUESTION: How should you disclose your most controversial views to a date? I don't think any set rule about that works. Some people will react as your first girl did and judge you really harshly because they don't like where you stand on a particular issue that's huge to them. Others will not care either way, as the second girl did. I'm far less argumentative about politics in real life than I am online. Mainly because I see it as a complex subject more suited to the written word, where you can cite articles, references etc. You can write about that and it's up to people whether they want to read it or not, but there's no way I would sit and bore another person for 2 hours banging on about my political views. Unless they were genuinely interested - and even then, I probably wouldn't be able to converse about politics in the way I write about politics. If somebody seems generally moderate and sensible, but leans the other way on various issue from the way I lean, then I'll maybe quiz them a bit about it. That can be the sort of interesting discussion where you get differing perspectives. If I get the feeling that a person holds very extreme political views, or views that involve hating any particular group, that's probably when I'll distance myself. Not out of dislike, but mainly because I think political extremism tends to be a sign of a troubled personality and a level of anger that I probably don't want to be around. A friend of mine has, over the past few years, become a pretty fervent SNP (Scottish National Party) supporter. She never used to be interested in politics, and I can't help feeling that a lot of it stems from anti-Englishness rather than from informing herself in an objective way. She's a good person, but I don't like the side of her that comes out once she starts talking about the SNP..so generally I'll mainly just listen to what she says, question a couple of points in a mild mannered way and generally try to change the subject. I like discussing and debating politics, but I don't enjoy personalised arguments about politics. So it really depends on the person you're speaking to. I probably like debating/arguing politics with libertarians best, because they don't tend to make it personal or take it personally in the way people of other political leanings do. Well, with some exceptions. A guy I know (more through other people than actually being friends with him myself, though for a while he and his wife were inviting me to social stuff) regards himself as a libertarian, though I suspect it's probably more the case that he's just very right wing. He stopped extending invitations to me when I readily admitted that I have plenty of friends who are socialists. I think he felt that put me on the wrong side of what he sees as a class war - but I don't see myself as being on any particular "side". I just don't discount people on the basis of their politics alone. So generally I suppose that if you have a controversial view, you just have to gauge the person you're speaking to. There are certain issues that are incredibly divisive to the point where it really is almost impossible to discuss them with somebody who holds an opposing position without friendships being severely tested. And if I feel that I'm being tolerant of another person expressing their views, but that they're intolerant of me expressing mine, or trying to silence me, then that will certainly test the friendship. Edited February 26, 2017 by Taramere Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 Probably best to disclose them before even dating, whilst chatting online or texting or something. There is little point dating someone who is going to find your views objectionable. It is not just about controversial views, it is about attitudes and core values. These are fundamental to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
h57zf Posted February 26, 2017 Share Posted February 26, 2017 I'm no stranger to controversial views and I answer things candidly when I'm asked. I figure if people can't deal with me, or aren't at least willing to discuss things in a civil and calm manner, or at least respect a modicum of differences, they're not worth being friends with. Link to post Share on other sites
WaitingForBardot Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 /.../ controversial topics....controversial topics arent whole people...and whatever their views are on the controversy..........should be heard and understood...doesnt mean you convert to their way of thinking..but you respect the person who has those views....far more important than just an opinion...is the respect you show for the other persons views.....even if it means you arent a match.....you can still show respect.......deb I believe people, their views, their character, should be revealed over time as you get to know them, where you are able to put these things into context and judge them as a whole person. There is a tendency, especially with controversial issues, to mistakenly assume a one-dimensional view of the person holding these views as if that were their most important defining factor. A list of my wife's and my views on a number important issues would lead many to conclude that we would never last. Maybe we won't, but it's been 30+ years so far and we're still together. "It is the mark of an educated man to be able to entertain an idea without adopting it." - Aristotle. Link to post Share on other sites
mightycpa Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 QUESTION: How do you disclose your most controversial views? Backstrory: Dating new girl. Girl opened with "just making sure you're not ok with [a politician I happen to love] because anyone who likes that person is pure evil." In all fairness to her, I'm in an area where my politics are despised. I saw a different girl today. Girl asked who I'd most want to get dinner with, living or dead. I told her the truth, naming that same politician. I was ready for "you're awful!". But it didn't seem matter to her. We hit it off. QUESTION: How should you disclose your most controversial views to a date?Girl opened with "just making sure you're not ok with [a politician I happen to love] because anyone who likes that person is pure evil." Me would retort: "Oh, I'm glad you mentioned that, because I don't date people who have a God complex. Be sure to leave a generous tip." Link to post Share on other sites
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