Trying to analyze the situation

[batjokes92]

I am 24 and I've never had a real boyfriend. I've dated maybe 5 people. I've developed one sided feelings for male friends but nothing more comes out of these relationships.

 

I spend all of my time analyzing why things haven't worked out. Maybe someone here can offer some insight. I was 21 when I went on my first date. We dated for two months. I got physically intimate with, no sex though, he ghosted me for a month afterward and when I finally asked him why he admitted that he "just got out of a relationship and it was too soon" for him. I foolishly asked if we could still be friends, this being my first dating experience I thought it could work. He kept throwing me bread crumbs for over a year through social media until I got the strength to block him. I unblocked him a year later when I was over it and he tried to add me back, I declined and he got into a relationship a week later, ha. Should have kept him blocked.

 

The next guy I dated was a year after the first. I felt no attraction to him but decided to give it a try because I felt desperate. We went to the movies. He didn't even sit next to me in the theatre! He sat one seat over! He rejected me afterward.

 

3rd, we went on three dates. He was very kind and courteous. First date went well, second date was fine. Until the third night we got intimate (again no sex) and a few days later he admitted to me he wasn't ready for a relationship.

 

4th was a man I met online. He just got out of a relationship. I REALLY fell hard for him and we got very close emotionally but he lives in the UK. We were friends for about a year. He told me he loved me but said he loved his ex more even though she too lives in the U.S. and cheated on him. He eventually ghosted me. This hurt like hell.

 

5th We didn't even date. We were supposed to meet up but he canceled the night of and asked ME to reschedule. Never texted me again. I forgot about him because I felt like he wasn't all that interested and was another boy who just wanted to play games.

 

6th was a fwb situation. He made me feel like disgusting trash. I asked him if he wanted a relationship, he said "not right now but I'd like to make you my slave" I ignored him for a month to see how he liked it and he begged to have me back but I discovered he was cheating on his girlfriend with me so I blocked him.

 

7th guy was sort of a blind date my mom set me up with. We had nothing in common. He lived too far away. It was a mutual split.

 

I am discouraged to try again. I've got major insecurities about myself and it makes me attach to people too deeply and too quickly no matter how much I hide it or fight against it. Besides, I really don't like to date for fun. I like to go into dating with the expectation that this will most likely lead to a real relationship. I am a very loyal person and I don't like to play "oh let's just see how it goes". I don't think that's a bad thing but in today's society it may be. I hate the feeling of being ghosted I feel I can't risk that happening again for the sake of my own self esteem. So I've shared all my dating stories, what do you think my problem is?

Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Mrin]

Honestly? I think your picker is broken.

 

I mean that's one part of it. Another is the fact that casual dating seems like a chore for you. That probably translates to the guy. We pick up on that.

 

But honestly I think it comes down to your picker. Need to get that in order before anything else can be worked on. Garbage in garbage out. You know?

[batjokes92]

Honestly? I think your picker is broken.

 

I mean that's one part of it. Another is the fact that casual dating seems like a chore for you. That probably translates to the guy. We pick up on that.

 

But honestly I think it comes down to your picker. Need to get that in order before anything else can be worked on. Garbage in garbage out. You know?

 

Wow. I feel like you're 100% right with your second point. Despite wanting a relationship I do feel like dating is a chore. I am an introvert and I find it hard to deal with new people/strangers, especially when I feel like I need to be on my best behaviour for them.

 

I've been told before that I have a tendency to pick bad ones but I'm not sure how that can be helped when dealing with strangers.

 

Anyway, Thank you for your insight! It was really helpful!

[JustGettingBy]

You sound so much like a female version of me, lol (no relationship experience, hating large groups, can't seem to 'connect', feel like your self-esteem is dwindling, it just 'never works out, taken or otherwise unavailable people into you...are we long lost brother and sister? J/k.)

 

Anyway, are you happy, or at least comfortable being single? You may come off as insecure, or 'easy prey' for guys just looking for some quick action.

[Mrin]

Wow. I feel like you're 100% right with your second point. Despite wanting a relationship I do feel like dating is a chore. I am an introvert and I find it hard to deal with new people/strangers, especially when I feel like I need to be on my best behaviour for them.

 

I've been told before that I have a tendency to pick bad ones but I'm not sure how that can be helped when dealing with strangers.

 

Anyway, Thank you for your insight! It was really helpful!

 

Here is a thought for you to improve your picker. Essentially, it is emotional goal setting. Consider giving it a try. I want you to write a one page narrative. Close your eyes and think about how it would feel to be in a great relationship. Really sit with that feeling. Then write about it. It might be something like....

 

I feel very confident. He makes me feel better about myself, not worse. I feel safe. We have fantastic talks about all sorts of subjects that push us both but in a kind way. We also can enjoy silence and just the pure pleasure of being in each others company. It recharges me.

 

Just make it about the how you feel and not the what.

 

Once you get it down read it over a few times and make sure it really is true. Then, from now on, assess whether every guy you meet is moving you closer or further away from what you described in your emotional goal. If is further way, ditch him.

 

Your emotional goal will be your True North.

 

Does this make sense?