Methods of searching and mindset

[ZA Dater]

I have read through quite a few threads here lately and noted a lot of very defeatist attitude resonating in many of them. I can understand that but because one method doesn't work doesn't mean all methods are bad, it like saying all pizza's are bad because one store makes bad pizza.

 

Its easier to understand a 30+ no success person giving up than it is a 19-24yo, really at that age you have masses of opportunity, see that opportunity there, if you are studying the opportunity is that much greater.

 

From my perspective as soon as you go out into the working world its next to impossible to meet people, the clichéd things which get trotted out here don't realty work for many if you don't already have an established social circle.

 

Yes, you are single in college but that doesn't mean you can have friends, try find those friends because ultimately they are a key to a whole host of doors and opportunities. If I have one regret its not going to a proper college, instead I chose to challenge myself doing things at home via correspondence.

 

If you are in college there are a multitude of ways of striking up common conversation, again this gets harder in the working world, especially if what you do isn't very people centric.

 

I sometimes thing being alone consumes people, it did me for many years and it still does to an extent but the cure for this is to try and focus on those positive things in life, feel good about yourself because as I am always told you can search much more effectively if you carry some positive vibe. Yes, its very tough and I fail at it more often than not.

 

At the end of the day we are all human, most of us desire the same things or variables of them but trust me blacking out the rest of your life because you cant get a gf isn't really the way to go. Yes, you feel terrible, I do when I see happy couples, perhaps a reminder what I don't have.

 

Find an emotive outlet, write, sport, some hobby or other, motivate yourself, keep going towards a goal. Its very easy to get down, lost in the hopelessness and at the same time you loose focus.

 

People on here don't think much for my own coping mechanism and yes its about as flimsy as a sheet of paper but for now it works, do I delude myself to find some semblance of dating happiness, I probably do but its much better than feeling down all the time and hopeless all the time.

 

People will tell you do this and do that, go to gym, truth it no matter how good looking you are you aren't assured of success, I am forever amazed how such idiotic, uneducated, poorly spoke, un motivated, unambitious people can find girlfriends and I cant.

 

I wouldn't think you cant try with anyone, its like the lottery, you either win or you don't, if you don't go back and improve or try find someone else and if nobody else matches up you can at least make peace that you chase the best you could.

 

Most of all don't waste your 20's, I wasted mine and regret it each day.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have read through quite a few threads here lately and noted a lot of very defeatist attitude resonating in many of them. I can understand that but because one method doesn't work doesn't mean all methods are bad, it like saying all pizza's are bad because one store makes bad pizza.

 

Its easier to understand a 30+ no success person giving up than it is a 19-24yo, really at that age you have masses of opportunity, see that opportunity there, if you are studying the opportunity is that much greater.

 

From my perspective as soon as you go out into the working world its next to impossible to meet people, the clichéd things which get trotted out here don't realty work for many if you don't already have an established social circle.

 

Yes, you are single in college but that doesn't mean you can have friends, try find those friends because ultimately they are a key to a whole host of doors and opportunities. If I have one regret its not going to a proper college, instead I chose to challenge myself doing things at home via correspondence.

 

If you are in college there are a multitude of ways of striking up common conversation, again this gets harder in the working world, especially if what you do isn't very people centric.

 

I sometimes thing being alone consumes people, it did me for many years and it still does to an extent but the cure for this is to try and focus on those positive things in life, feel good about yourself because as I am always told you can search much more effectively if you carry some positive vibe. Yes, its very tough and I fail at it more often than not.

 

At the end of the day we are all human, most of us desire the same things or variables of them but trust me blacking out the rest of your life because you cant get a gf isn't really the way to go. Yes, you feel terrible, I do when I see happy couples, perhaps a reminder what I don't have.

 

Find an emotive outlet, write, sport, some hobby or other, motivate yourself, keep going towards a goal. Its very easy to get down, lost in the hopelessness and at the same time you loose focus.

 

People on here don't think much for my own coping mechanism and yes its about as flimsy as a sheet of paper but for now it works, do I delude myself to find some semblance of dating happiness, I probably do but its much better than feeling down all the time and hopeless all the time.

 

People will tell you do this and do that, go to gym, truth it no matter how good looking you are you aren't assured of success, I am forever amazed how such idiotic, uneducated, poorly spoke, un motivated, unambitious people can find girlfriends and I cant.

 

I wouldn't think you cant try with anyone, its like the lottery, you either win or you don't, if you don't go back and improve or try find someone else and if nobody else matches up you can at least make peace that you chase the best you could.

 

Most of all don't waste your 20's, I wasted mine and regret it each day.

 

Yeah, if you're in college, you have an ample amount of opportunities to date. Once you graduate, it's all uphill from there.

 

In fact, even Meetup groups mostly entail 30+ age groups. Rarely do I see 18 to 25 aged men and women in Meetup at all.

 

I think the reason Meetup exists at all is because someone crossed an age threshold where it was hard to meet new people at a certain age.

[normal person]

Yeah, college is a great opportunity to meet a lot of people. You'll probably never be in such close proximity to so many single people your age again for the rest of your life. There's no reason not to stay in close touch with everyone if you want. But I know a lot of people who trimmed a lot of fat from their college social circle and have since stuck to a more concise group. You'd be surprised how many sorority girls don't give a hoot about the sisterhood a few years removed from graduation.

 

However, post college can be even better. Suddenly you're not just limited to your campus but to an entire city of recent graduates. You meet coworkers, friends of coworkers, your friends' coworkers, their friends, etc. Not only that, but you're not just a "student" anymore, you can leverage any success you've had in your professional life for use in your dating life. The possibilities are seemingly infinite when you compliment it all with OLD. I went to a big school, graduated in '08, and I've met girls via OLD who I went to school with that I never met on campus.

 

My suggestion is to diversify your methods. Last week I went out with a girl I met on OLD who lives in my neighborhood (who I never would've met otherwise), and tonight I'm going out with a (childhood) friend's coworker's roommate that I met at a party this past weekend. Friday night I'm hanging out with a girl I met on OLD a few years back but remain friendly with, and Saturday I'm going to a wedding and will probably meet all the friends of the bride who I've never met before. And I've got 2 more weddings this summer following that. One of the brides is already pushing me to hang out with her hot friend who'll be there.

 

College is not the end by a long shot. Just the beginning. You've got to expand your horizons a bit. As I said, diversify your methods.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah, college is a great opportunity to meet a lot of people. You'll probably never be in such close proximity to so many single people your age again for the rest of your life. There's no reason not to stay in close touch with everyone if you want. But I know a lot of people who trimmed a lot of fat from their college social circle and have since stuck to a more concise group. You'd be surprised how many sorority girls don't give a hoot about the sisterhood a few years removed from graduation.

 

However, post college can be even better. Suddenly you're not just limited to your campus but to an entire city of recent graduates. You meet coworkers, friends of coworkers, your friends' coworkers, their friends, etc. Not only that, but you're not just a "student" anymore, you can leverage any success you've had in your professional life for use in your dating life. The possibilities are seemingly infinite when you compliment it all with OLD. I went to a big school, graduated in '08, and I've met girls via OLD who I went to school with that I never met on campus.

 

My suggestion is to diversify your methods. Last week I went out with a girl I met on OLD who lives in my neighborhood (who I never would've met otherwise), and tonight I'm going out with a (childhood) friend's coworker's roommate that I met at a party this past weekend. Friday night I'm hanging out with a girl I met on OLD a few years back but remain friendly with, and Saturday I'm going to a wedding and will probably meet all the friends of the bride who I've never met before. And I've got 2 more weddings this summer following that. One of the brides is already pushing me to hang out with her hot friend who'll be there.

 

College is not the end by a long shot. Just the beginning. You've got to expand your horizons a bit. As I said, diversify your methods.

 

Hm, in my experience, a lot of my student friends hooked up, dated, and married each other upon graduation. Kind of a musical chairs situation where only few single people were left over. Plus at the college I went to, it was a smaller city...so a lot of people relocated or the out-of-state students went back to their corresponding home towns.

 

That's when I googled "things to do here" and came across Meetup.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I have read through quite a few threads here lately and noted a lot of very defeatist attitude resonating in many of them. I can understand that but because one method doesn't work doesn't mean all methods are bad, it like saying all pizza's are bad because one store makes bad pizza.

 

Its easier to understand a 30+ no success person giving up than it is a 19-24yo, really at that age you have masses of opportunity, see that opportunity there, if you are studying the opportunity is that much greater.

 

From my perspective as soon as you go out into the working world its next to impossible to meet people, the clichéd things which get trotted out here don't realty work for many if you don't already have an established social circle.

 

Yes, you are single in college but that doesn't mean you can have friends, try find those friends because ultimately they are a key to a whole host of doors and opportunities. If I have one regret its not going to a proper college, instead I chose to challenge myself doing things at home via correspondence.

 

If you are in college there are a multitude of ways of striking up common conversation, again this gets harder in the working world, especially if what you do isn't very people centric.

 

I sometimes thing being alone consumes people, it did me for many years and it still does to an extent but the cure for this is to try and focus on those positive things in life, feel good about yourself because as I am always told you can search much more effectively if you carry some positive vibe. Yes, its very tough and I fail at it more often than not.

 

At the end of the day we are all human, most of us desire the same things or variables of them but trust me blacking out the rest of your life because you cant get a gf isn't really the way to go. Yes, you feel terrible, I do when I see happy couples, perhaps a reminder what I don't have.

 

Find an emotive outlet, write, sport, some hobby or other, motivate yourself, keep going towards a goal. Its very easy to get down, lost in the hopelessness and at the same time you loose focus.

 

People on here don't think much for my own coping mechanism and yes its about as flimsy as a sheet of paper but for now it works, do I delude myself to find some semblance of dating happiness, I probably do but its much better than feeling down all the time and hopeless all the time.

 

People will tell you do this and do that, go to gym, truth it no matter how good looking you are you aren't assured of success, I am forever amazed how such idiotic, uneducated, poorly spoke, un motivated, unambitious people can find girlfriends and I cant.

 

I wouldn't think you cant try with anyone, its like the lottery, you either win or you don't, if you don't go back and improve or try find someone else and if nobody else matches up you can at least make peace that you chase the best you could.

 

Most of all don't waste your 20's, I wasted mine and regret it each day.

 

Life is short, I think it helps to look at it as a series of experiences, rather than a competition to reach certain milestones and attain certain things.

 

That said, don't give up. Try and fail and in the meantime, enjoy your life. You'll find that when one frustration goes away another comes up. Right now, my job is really frustrating me. I try and take life less seriously. We're all here for a short time.

[ZA Dater]

Life is short, I think it helps to look at it as a series of experiences, rather than a competition to reach certain milestones and attain certain things.

 

That said, don't give up. Try and fail and in the meantime, enjoy your life. You'll find that when one frustration goes away another comes up. Right now, my job is really frustrating me. I try and take life less seriously. We're all here for a short time.

 

I think that ultimately you want to create the best experience you can, its pointless going after things which don't make you happy. People often say "oh try dating down" or "try being like this to attract this", at the end of the day neither method is going to make anyone happy.

 

 

I realised the other day I have in fact been quite lucky in some respect the three so people I found attractive were all really special in some way that differentiated them from others, in short I'd rather chase what I really want and loose than chase something I don't want and win.

 

 

What often radiates here is how consuming searching for dates can become, look I wont pretend I don't want to do date, I'd love to date, spoil people but some people don't have that social being in them which makes them readily attractive. A few posts up we have someone with a choice, truthfully I have never had that sort of choice ever. Its obvious that the poster in question is very outgoing and social and if I had to guess people who struggle aren't outgoing or social.

 

 

Ultimately find something in life that does make you feel good, even if vicarious in nature and hang onto it, keep believing you have something to offer.

 

 

I do believe dating and having a partner does provide massive benefits to ones life but I also learnt I can get maybe a small amount of that by caring about those close to me, taking an interest in them, giving them opportunities and experiences they would not normally have.

[normal person]

I think that ultimately you want to create the best experience you can, its pointless going after things which don't make you happy. People often say "oh try dating down" or "try being like this to attract this", at the end of the day neither method is going to make anyone happy.

 

I will agree with you here. The problem is that for some people, there is an incongruence between what will make you happy and what you can you can get. The solution is to compromise. You may have to compromise what's comfortable for something uncomfortable that you'd prefer more, you may have to compromise your expectations, or both.

 

I realised the other day I have in fact been quite lucky in some respect the three so people I found attractive were all really special in some way that differentiated them from others, in short I'd rather chase what I really want and loose than chase something I don't want and win.

 

Good. Winning at a game you don't want to play won't really fulfill you in the long run.

 

What often radiates here is how consuming searching for dates can become, look I wont pretend I don't want to do date, I'd love to date, spoil people but some people don't have that social being in them which makes them readily attractive. A few posts up we have someone with a choice, truthfully I have never had that sort of choice ever. Its obvious that the poster in question is very outgoing and social and if I had to guess people who struggle aren't outgoing or social.

 

It's never been consuming for me because I have optimized the process. I use multiple OLD aps, I choose to live in an area densely populated with the kind of women I like (in a very open, sexually liberal city) and I frequently go out with my friends to fun bars and parties. I hang out with friends who have a similar attitude and that increases my success exponentially. I just broaden my horizons as best I can to keep all options open. Not much is stopping someone else from doing the same things. With the same formula you can easily go out with multiple women a week (if you wanted).

 

Here's the thing: I am not naturally outgoing or sociable. I'm nice but also can be very sarcastic and acerbic (in a taking-the-piss, well-meaning, camaraderie sort of fashion) and lots of people annoy the absolute hell out of me. But, as I said about compromise, I've learned to bite my tongue and put on a friendly face sometimes when I want the wheels to turn a little. I maybe even become a bit of a chameleon depending on the situation and interaction. Eventually you learn how to calibrate your mannerisms and attitude to each individual woman or situation based on how they're interacting with you. Ex: hesitantly interested with some, oblivious to others, funny with everyone, etc. But to say I'm "outgoing" might be a stretch. I rarely, if ever, make a first move in any situation. I let things happen around me and I react to them accordingly. I owe a lot of success to compromising, stepping out of my comfort zone, and biting the bullet to learn what's necessary.

 

Ultimately find something in life that does make you feel good, even if vicarious in nature and hang onto it, keep believing you have something to offer.

 

I do believe dating and having a partner does provide massive benefits to ones life but I also learnt I can get maybe a small amount of that by caring about those close to me, taking an interest in them, giving them opportunities and experiences they would not normally have.

 

For sure. But there's no reason to give up on yourself. There's always something else that can be done.

[JuneJulySeptember]

I think that ultimately you want to create the best experience you can, its pointless going after things which don't make you happy. People often say "oh try dating down" or "try being like this to attract this", at the end of the day neither method is going to make anyone happy.

 

 

I realised the other day I have in fact been quite lucky in some respect the three so people I found attractive were all really special in some way that differentiated them from others, in short I'd rather chase what I really want and loose than chase something I don't want and win.

 

 

What often radiates here is how consuming searching for dates can become, look I wont pretend I don't want to do date, I'd love to date, spoil people but some people don't have that social being in them which makes them readily attractive. A few posts up we have someone with a choice, truthfully I have never had that sort of choice ever. Its obvious that the poster in question is very outgoing and social and if I had to guess people who struggle aren't outgoing or social.

 

 

Ultimately find something in life that does make you feel good, even if vicarious in nature and hang onto it, keep believing you have something to offer.

 

 

I do believe dating and having a partner does provide massive benefits to ones life but I also learnt I can get maybe a small amount of that by caring about those close to me, taking an interest in them, giving them opportunities and experiences they would not normally have.

 

Everybody has their own life and everybody can hold out as long as they want.

 

I'm not probably very picky in terms of whom I will date. But I'm glad with my choices because they have given me some cool life experiences. I also think it helps when you are considering dating somebody seriously having a frame of reference to compare to.

 

But I digress...

[ZA Dater]

I will agree with you here. The problem is that for some people, there is an incongruence between what will make you happy and what you can you can get. The solution is to compromise. You may have to compromise what's comfortable for something uncomfortable that you'd prefer more, you may have to compromise your expectations, or both.

 

 

 

Good. Winning at a game you don't want to play won't really fulfill you in the long run.

 

 

 

It's never been consuming for me because I have optimized the process. I use multiple OLD aps, I choose to live in an area densely populated with the kind of women I like (in a very open, sexually liberal city) and I frequently go out with my friends to fun bars and parties. I hang out with friends who have a similar attitude and that increases my success exponentially. I just broaden my horizons as best I can to keep all options open. Not much is stopping someone else from doing the same things. With the same formula you can easily go out with multiple women a week (if you wanted).

 

Here's the thing: I am not naturally outgoing or sociable. I'm nice but also can be very sarcastic and acerbic (in a taking-the-piss, well-meaning, camaraderie sort of fashion) and lots of people annoy the absolute hell out of me. But, as I said about compromise, I've learned to bite my tongue and put on a friendly face sometimes when I want the wheels to turn a little. I maybe even become a bit of a chameleon depending on the situation and interaction. Eventually you learn how to calibrate your mannerisms and attitude to each individual woman or situation based on how they're interacting with you. Ex: hesitantly interested with some, oblivious to others, funny with everyone, etc. But to say I'm "outgoing" might be a stretch. I rarely, if ever, make a first move in any situation. I let things happen around me and I react to them accordingly. I owe a lot of success to compromising, stepping out of my comfort zone, and biting the bullet to learn what's necessary.

 

 

 

For sure. But there's no reason to give up on yourself. There's always something else that can be done.

 

Agreed, compromise when looking for people is ok provided you aren't bending over backwards and compromising too heavily. I also think over time you learn what you find attractive and what you simply don't find attractive.

 

However, the proviso with that is OLD is good for meeting lots of people, potentially BUT if you aren't meeting people that interest you then it is a waste of time UNLESS one is just looking to hook up which again is fine if you find OLD people attractive in that way, of the people I have met on OLD I haven't wanted to hook up with any of them, not one simply because intellectually they didn't interest me at all.

 

Interesting what you say about the formula of multiple platforms because I have found very little success with that, granted OLD isn't that big here or seen as that mainstream, Tinder enjoys some success here and I have met guys who have met lots of and hooked up lots through Tinder BUT what they don't say is who they are hooking up with, I browse tinder here and honestly maybe 5% of the people are actually attractive in a physical way. However, the same person went to NYC and met a different person each night due to Tinder.

 

The way you come across suggests a reasonable degree of intellectual charm, I wonder how many of those who battle have any charm, I am honest I don't have any charm, forthright honesty yes, charm absolutely not.

 

Tailoring responses to particular people is clever but you need experience to be able to do that, I am on the receiving end of that very often, often I feel like responses are being tailored towards me, I call this the cotton wool syndrome.

 

I don't think those who struggle need to give up but I do think they need to see its not all doom and gloom, good looking guys struggle too but what does get people down is a perpetual lack of success, perpetually feeling lonely, perpetually being rejected, that's hard to overcome if it drags on for years. What also harder is I'd wager 9/10 times these struggles are internal, nobody ever knows how these people feel. One of the best things I did was put mine down on paper to two good friends, I felt worse initially but as time has passed I actually feel better because they know what I go through. It doesn't help me much in finding anything but it has taken the emotional burden off my shoulders.

 

How many people who struggle have many friends? My guess is few.

 

Somewhere there is a root cause for people who battle all the time, its finding that and seeing what can and cant be done with it and I think when you find it you can maybe feel a bit better about yourself. You can look to improve from that if you can.

[ZA Dater]

Had an really positive experience last night, the amazing power of positivity, feel really good today, for the change I didnt manage to mess something up and didnt managed to get myself into a mess of over thinking.

 

In the grand scheme of success it isnt really that but it was simply nice to get such positive motivation.

 

Maybe thats the key: positive motivation.