Disappointing, but not unexpected...

[Inflikted]

So I've spent the last few months trying out Tinder. Didn't have high expectations, of course, but as a guy that's never been able to date, I figured it couldn't hurt. It does seem to be the hip "dating site" these days.

 

And in an effort to maximize my opportunities, I've been pretty much "liking" every girl. But, after months, I've not even gotten a single match. Which is pretty depressing. I mean, I know women kind of have their pick of the litter on dating sites, and that people in general tend to be more flakey and shallow.

 

But not even one match? At this point, I don't think the app is even showing me girls that are local anymore, because I've already swiped through them. And not one of them likes me at all? Eesh. Can't say I'm surprised, I guess, but it sure bums me out. What am I supposed to take away from that?

[Bossanova]

I would delete the app, re-think your pictures and Bio entirely and get back on it after a couple of weeks. I'd say it's highly unusual not to get a match and therefore something is putting the women off.

[Inflikted]

I would delete the app, re-think your pictures and Bio entirely and get back on it after a couple of weeks. I'd say it's highly unusual not to get a match and therefore something is putting the women off.

 

Yeah, I dunno. I'm pretty much already using the best pictures of myself. As far as bios go, I guess I'm always kinda iffy with writing those, because there's literally nothing worth saying about myself. Not to mention, I tend to prefer being brutally honest about who I am, rather than trying to "sugarcoat" myself.

[joseb]

You have to market yourself like it or not.

 

If you saw this ad for soylent would you buy it?

 

"this is just a bunch of stuff like protein powder, oats and some vitamins ground up that you mix with water. It tastes pretty bad. You don't even get to chew your food anymore. And it's the exact same every meal"?

 

You might be slightly more tempted by

"breakthrough wonder food that allows you to obtain the perfect nutritional requirements in one easy meal that's ready in seconds! "

 

Both are true descriptions of the same thing.

[Imported]

What am I supposed to take away from that?

 

 

That you're not going to get by on looks alone.

[normal person]

Yeah, I dunno. I'm pretty much already using the best pictures of myself. As far as bios go, I guess I'm always kinda iffy with writing those, because there's literally nothing worth saying about myself. Not to mention, I tend to prefer being brutally honest about who I am, rather than trying to "sugarcoat" myself.

 

If you're a salesman trying to sell a product, you wouldn't talk about how average and unspecial the product is, would you? "What I've got here is the most average, totally standard, run of the mill product that you could find anywhere else!"

 

The same rules apply to dating. There needs to be something appealing or differentiating about you for people to be excited about it. I agree there's no sense in sugarcoating things because people will always find out the truth about you eventually. But is the truth about you anything good, exciting, interesting, appealing, funny, mysterious, etc? That's what will pique interest.

 

I have a similar profile across all the websites since I'm pretty much incapable of lying -- I'm brutally honest, I mention all my lesser qualities, how I'm 5'10" and can't date tall women, etc. But the thing is, I did it in such a way that it's funny and different, I've been successful with it and I've never sent out a first message. But that isn't all there is. The big thing is that I actually am different, funny, interesting, and successful, and I just let it be obvious to the reader. You actually have to substantiate things.

 

I have a hard time believing there isn't anything worth saying about yourself. How have you invested your time? What things do you do? What interests you and why? I would do some thinking and ask yourself and your friends what makes you different than everyone else, your defining personality traits, and find a funny and concise way to portray them. You're not going to have much luck with "There's nothing special about me, the end." In the catalog world of OLD, being average is a pretty much a death sentence. Be anything but.

 

Best of luck.

[Jacques on stage]

So I've spent the last few months trying out Tinder. Didn't have high expectations, of course, but as a guy that's never been able to date, I figured it couldn't hurt. It does seem to be the hip "dating site" these days.

 

And in an effort to maximize my opportunities, I've been pretty much "liking" every girl. But, after months, I've not even gotten a single match. Which is pretty depressing. I mean, I know women kind of have their pick of the litter on dating sites, and that people in general tend to be more flakey and shallow.

 

But not even one match? At this point, I don't think the app is even showing me girls that are local anymore, because I've already swiped through them. And not one of them likes me at all? Eesh. Can't say I'm surprised, I guess, but it sure bums me out. What am I supposed to take away from that?

 

Women are just as shallow as men. If you're not good looking you have no hope in the online dating world.

[PrettyEmily77]

And in an effort to maximize my opportunities, I've been pretty much "liking" every girl

 

I really think you should think about the kind of girl you'd like to attract in more detail because indiscriminately 'liking' every girl isn't really a reflection of reality, I would assume.

 

 

What qualities are you looking for in a potential partner?

 

What are your preferences (thinking more personal traits than physical attributes here)?

 

How do you see your future long term with a partner?

 

Would you like someone in the same professional field as yours?

 

Do you see yourself wanting children?

 

Are you flexible in terms of work/geography?

 

What do you see as your strong points (we all have some )

 

Are you looking for an outdoorsy person or someone you want to watch films with on the sofa?

 

Have you any particular interest (a particular type of music, independent movie, favourite author / book)? Can you cook or do you have an interest in food?

 

Do you speak a foreign language?

 

All of it matters.

Edited May 1, 2016 by PrettyEmily77

[Inflikted]

You have to market yourself like it or not.

 

If you're a salesman trying to sell a product, you wouldn't talk about how average and unspecial the product is, would you? "What I've got here is the most average, totally standard, run of the mill product that you could find anywhere else!"

 

The same rules apply to dating. There needs to be something appealing or differentiating about you for people to be excited about it. I agree there's no sense in sugarcoating things because people will always find out the truth about you eventually. But is the truth about you anything good, exciting, interesting, appealing, funny, mysterious, etc? That's what will pique interest.

 

I have a similar profile across all the websites since I'm pretty much incapable of lying -- I'm brutally honest, I mention all my lesser qualities, how I'm 5'10" and can't date tall women, etc. But the thing is, I did it in such a way that it's funny and different, I've been successful with it and I've never sent out a first message. But that isn't all there is. The big thing is that I actually am different, funny, interesting, and successful, and I just let it be obvious to the reader. You actually have to substantiate things.

 

I have a hard time believing there isn't anything worth saying about yourself. How have you invested your time? What things do you do? What interests you and why? I would do some thinking and ask yourself and your friends what makes you different than everyone else, your defining personality traits, and find a funny and concise way to portray them. You're not going to have much luck with "There's nothing special about me, the end." In the catalog world of OLD, being average is a pretty much a death sentence. Be anything but.

 

Best of luck.

 

Well, yeah, I know you HAVE to "sell yourself", I've just never really been any good at that. Like, at all.

 

I mean, I'm an unattractive-looking 5'1" guy, that is extremely introverted and reserved, that is pretty much unable to connect with another human being, that has no semblance of a social life, that doesn't really get out all that much, that enjoys nerdy "antisocial" hobbies, that isn't particularly funny, interesting, or intelligent, that works a boring low-paying job, that still lives with his parents.

 

There's not really anything there to "sell". Or, at the very least, I sure as heck don't even have the slightest clue on how to spin that in a better sounding description.

 

I really think you should think about the kind of girl you'd like to attract in more detail because indiscriminately 'liking' every girl isn't really a reflection of reality, I would assume.

 

Perhaps not, but theoretically, if I "like" everyone, then I'll see everyone that "likes" me back, and thus, my odds of matching with someone are much higher than they'd be if I were a bit more "picky".

 

Honestly, I can't really afford to be picky, if I want to date, anyway. I either have to take what I can get, or accept being alone, because the odds of me finding a quality girl that I like a lot who happens to also be attracted to me, well, that's just extremely unlikely. If I want to date or be in a relationship, I need to find whoever will have me, and stay with them for as long as they'll have me. regardless of how I may feel about them.

[normal person]

Well, yeah, I know you HAVE to "sell yourself", I've just never really been any good at that. Like, at all.

 

I mean, I'm an unattractive-looking 5'1" guy, that is extremely introverted and reserved, that is pretty much unable to connect with another human being, that has no semblance of a social life, that doesn't really get out all that much, that enjoys nerdy "antisocial" hobbies, that isn't particularly funny, interesting, or intelligent, that works a boring low-paying job, that still lives with his parents.

 

There's not really anything there to "sell". Or, at the very least, I sure as heck don't even have the slightest clue on how to spin that in a better sounding description.

 

So, revisiting my salesman analogy, your sales pitch is, more or less, "I have nothing to sell, but maybe you could give me some money anyways?" Surely you can see the issue here. There has to be a reason for someone else to want to date you. Something that she sees, reads, hears, or experiences that flips the switch from "no" to "yes." People are born with some of those qualities, other times they're acquired or developed.

 

You need to step out of your comfort zone at some point and take chances, nothing will change unless you do. How you spend your time can be the biggest factor in your success or failure. You can't invest your time in fruitless pursuits that do nothing to advance your life. If you invest your time in the gym, the dividend will be that you look better and become healthier. If you invest your time learning a new applicable skill, the dividend could be a promotion at work or maybe you could start your business on the side. If you invest your time learning to talk to people, you'll learn a lot more about social nuances. If you invest your time in TV or "anti social nerdy hobbies" as you call them, the only real dividend is that you're entertained for a brief period. What a waste.

 

Yes, you will have to sacrifice the comfort and familiarity of things you enjoy doing for things you'd rather have. It'd be great to sit around all day watching TV, not working, not going to the gym, and not improving, but that's totally impractical if you desire anything else in life. To get things, you need to work for them, earn them, and maintain them. You can't expect to achieve nothing and get something for it, or to have nothing to offer and still make a sale.

 

I'm not saying any of it will be easy, especially at 5'1", but it will be the only way to try and break the cycle. There might be someone out there for you, but you've got to understand that you have to appeal to her as well, and you're not doing yourself any favors currently. Start turning the wheels and making some changes that will make a visible, lasting, positive difference.

 

Best of luck.

[Inflikted]

So, revisiting my salesman analogy, your sales pitch is, more or less, "I have nothing to sell, but maybe you could give me some money anyways?" Surely you can see the issue here. There has to be a reason for someone else to want to date you. Something that she sees, reads, hears, or experiences that flips the switch from "no" to "yes." People are born with some of those qualities, other times they're acquired or developed.

 

Well, yes, as I said, I understand that you HAVE to "sell yourself". I'm not denying that or overlooking that or arguing against that. Again, I simply don't know how to actually do that.

 

Anyway, regardless of anything that I might "change" or "work on" about myself, at the end of the day, I'm still going to be me. Sure, I could maybe work out to look a little better, or I could try to take up a new hobby to try to make myself seem slightly more interesting, but at my core, I'd still be "me", and that's the real problem. "Me" sucks. And that's not something that exercise or a new hobby is going to change.

 

Sure, I could maybe use some "smoke and mirrors" to get a couple dates here and there, but people will see past that pretty quickly, and then it becomes a question of whether they like me for who I am. And I just can't imagine why anyone would "like me for who I am".

[normal person]

Sure, I could maybe use some "smoke and mirrors" to get a couple dates here and there, but people will see past that pretty quickly, and then it becomes a question of whether they like me for who I am. And I just can't imagine why anyone would "like me for who I am".

 

I really don't understand the point of this thread, then. Are you looking for advice or are you just complaining? More likely, like a lot of guys who come on here, you're looking for a magic bullet; how to be successful without having to do anything you don't want to.

 

If "the person you are" is nothing to write home about, of course most people wouldn't prone to liking you. That's why you have to take steps to improve and diversify the portfolio of yourself. There needs to be something appealing about you. If it isn't naturally there, you need to acquire it somehow. That requires work. Most people don't enjoy going to the gym, or busting their butt in school or at work. They do it because they want something more than what they have. No pain, no gain. It's not "smoke and mirrors," it's the manifestation of desire and determination. Most people would rather not do things they don't enjoy or would be otherwise uncharacteristic of them in a world that rewarded mediocrity or laziness. But that isn't the way the world works. Typically those who try more get more, and not without their share of trials and tribulations along the way.

 

If you want something more than what you've got, you'll probably have to do things you'd rather not spend time doing. That's the nature of life on Earth.

 

 

And in an effort to maximize my opportunities, I've been pretty much "liking" every girl.

 

So you're willing to put in this "effort" to "maximize" your opportunities but unwilling to do anything else that might actually make a difference. Hardly the "effort" necessary to make even the smallest dent, I'm afraid.

 

You can lead a horse to water...

[Jacques on stage]

I really think you should think about the kind of girl you'd like to attract in more detail because indiscriminately 'liking' every girl isn't really a reflection of reality, I would assume.

 

 

What qualities are you looking for in a potential partner?

 

What are your preferences (thinking more personal traits than physical attributes here)?

 

How do you see your future long term with a partner?

 

Would you like someone in the same professional field as yours?

 

Do you see yourself wanting children?

 

Are you flexible in terms of work/geography?

 

What do you see as your strong points (we all have some )

 

Are you looking for an outdoorsy person or someone you want to watch films with on the sofa?

 

Have you any particular interest (a particular type of music, independent movie, favourite author / book)? Can you cook or do you have an interest in food?

 

Do you speak a foreign language?

 

All of it matters.

 

None of this really matters in this instance though. He's swiping right on everyone doesn't affect anything. It's not the reason he's getting no joy. The point is, even though he's totally maximising the number of women he can match with, he's still getting nothing.

[Beatles4]

I was on it since my birthday (Last October) and nothing, not one match.

 

I think where in the same boat, but my conclusion is, I think we will do better in real life.

 

Its hard meeting girls yes, but you just need to work on it.

 

I am still looking though, but I do know my game is better then what it was say 10 years ago where I was a complete lemon....

[carhill]

OP, if you like yourself, sincerely and authentically, all the rejection in the world, and dislike, becomes irrelevant. Really, how important in the scheme of existence are all these people who apparently dislike you or find you unattractive? They're the same, fragile, life-limited organisms as you. Additionally, unlike you, they've proactively sought to diminish your existence with their ignoral and dislike. What does that say about them? Why do you allow them the power? They have none or, at best, no more than you.

 

It's OK to be disappointed. You tried, it didn't work out, done. Move on.

 

Anyway, regardless of anything that I might "change" or "work on" about myself, at the end of the day, I'm still going to be me.

You know, it's a real gift to be alive. IDK if you've ever loved someone who died but, man, death is a final sucky thing.

Sure, I could maybe work out to look a little better,

Sure, if you like how it makes you feel, why not? IMO, try it and see what happens, not on the attractiveness end but rather on how you feel about yourself end.

or I could try to take up a new hobby to try to make myself seem slightly more interesting, but at my core, I'd still be "me", and that's the real problem. "Me" sucks. And that's not something that exercise or a new hobby is going to change.

IMO, take up a hobby, interest or passion because it speaks to YOU. Other people are irrelevant in that. Most could care less because, well, they're wrapped up in their own lives. Learn from that. Do for yourself, like yourself, interactions with others are voluntary and transitory and not a definition of who you are.

 

Hard? Yes! I've seen very little worthwhile stuff in life that was easy. Overcoming and adapting to challenges is tremendously satisfying but it takes work, dedication and the will to fail. Up to you. Sounds like you succeeded in failing with Tinder. Onward.

[LookAtThisPOst]

You have to market yourself like it or not.

 

If you saw this ad for soylent would you buy it?

 

"this is just a bunch of stuff like protein powder, oats and some vitamins ground up that you mix with water. It tastes pretty bad. You don't even get to chew your food anymore. And it's the exact same every meal"?

 

You might be slightly more tempted by

"breakthrough wonder food that allows you to obtain the perfect nutritional requirements in one easy meal that's ready in seconds! "

 

Both are true descriptions of the same thing.

 

You can only market yourself to a certain extent, but it depends on the woman.

 

Recently, a woman that I had contacted on OK Cupid that didn't respond and she'd been on the site for a while...turned up on Meetup.com. I contacted her there, introducing myself...and she responded immediately..we get to talking and I said, "Are you on OK Cupid?" and she goes, "Yes I am."

 

Thing is, I don't think she ever "viewed" my profile...so it was like starting anew getting to know this woman and I was likely put in the front of the line simply because I spotted her OUTSIDE of the dating site and not sitting in a long line of the cyber-inbox. lol

 

I got her phone # and we talked there...and after that, she texted me her pic and asked that I text mine to her. I am guessing she didn't look at my online photos. She responded, "Nice pic" and we made arrangements to meet.

 

So she just my selfie to go off of. lol She took a selfie, too, but I saw several photos of her, but...not much was put into marketing myself here. I just found a back door in getting into the front of the line.

[normal person]

IMO, take up a hobby, interest or passion because it speaks to YOU. Other people are irrelevant in that. Most could care less because, well, they're wrapped up in their own lives. Learn from that. Do for yourself, like yourself, interactions with others are voluntary and transitory and not a definition of who you are.

 

I'll respectfully take the opposite point. There are a lot of circumstances where I think this would be good advice, but I don't think it applies here. Guys like the OP are in the situation they're in largely because they invest their time in insular pursuits that only appeal to and benefit them and no one else, some of which is practically escapism. When you cut yourself off from the world, or engage in laziness, self-loathing, mediocrity, insular things, etc you're doing it for your own benefit; to do just what makes you happy and comfortable, and that's it. He's the only person that appeals to.

 

It seems as if doing things "for himself" is all he's ever done. The problem is that he isn't happy with just himself. He wants women.

 

If OP goes to the gym, school, work, he's doing it again for himself (even if he doesn't actively enjoy it), but also for the appeal of it to other people. So they can appreciate, admire, and be attracted to the shape he's in, the job he has, the respect he commands, how interesting and engaging he is, etc. That's what he's after.

 

In this society we're so heavily trained to think that "being yourself" is some magical road to success. Far from it. Lots of people have trouble precisely because the person they are and things they enjoy just aren't appealing to the rest of society, which is fine if that person has no intention of forming relationships. But if that person covets relationships more than their own self indulgence, then they have to make compromises. Then they'll have to give up things they like for things they'd like even more.

 

So my advice to OP is not to do something solely because it makes him happy, but to do something that makes him happy via the appreciation and admiration of other people, even if he doesn't enjoy the process. Because that's ultimately what he wants.

[Inflikted]

I think where in the same boat, but my conclusion is, I think we will do better in real life.

 

Its hard meeting girls yes, but you just need to work on it.

 

Heh, I certainly won't do better in real life... I'm much too introverted and socially inept/ awkward to meet and connect with people in the real world. Online, I might at least have a chance, as it creates a buffer (at least initially) for my awkwardness and ineptitude. Granted, I'd much rather meet someone "offline", but I'm just not the kind of person that can do the "cold approach" or meet and mingle with people.

 

I really don't understand the point of this thread, then. Are you looking for advice or are you just complaining? More likely, like a lot of guys who come on here, you're looking for a magic bullet; how to be successful without having to do anything you don't want to.

 

If "the person you are" is nothing to write home about, of course most people wouldn't prone to liking you. That's why you have to take steps to improve and diversify the portfolio of yourself. There needs to be something appealing about you. If it isn't naturally there, you need to acquire it somehow. That requires work. Most people don't enjoy going to the gym, or busting their butt in school or at work. They do it because they want something more than what they have. No pain, no gain. It's not "smoke and mirrors," it's the manifestation of desire and determination. Most people would rather not do things they don't enjoy or would be otherwise uncharacteristic of them in a world that rewarded mediocrity or laziness. But that isn't the way the world works. Typically those who try more get more, and not without their share of trials and tribulations along the way.

 

If you want something more than what you've got, you'll probably have to do things you'd rather not spend time doing. That's the nature of life on Earth.

 

So you're willing to put in this "effort" to "maximize" your opportunities but unwilling to do anything else that might actually make a difference. Hardly the "effort" necessary to make even the smallest dent, I'm afraid.

 

You can lead a horse to water...

 

Eh. I hate going down this rabbit hole, because I feel like some people don't quite understand the way I think and the way I see things. Instead, people infer that I'm "lazy" or accuse me of "not wanting to put in any effort but wanting all the reward". Neither of which is the case, and frankly, I don't appreciate the condescending attitude. Read my responses to carhill below to see how my mind is REALLY working.

 

Sure, if you like how it makes you feel, why not? IMO, try it and see what happens, not on the attractiveness end but rather on how you feel about yourself end.

 

IMO, take up a hobby, interest or passion because it speaks to YOU. Other people are irrelevant in that. Most could care less because, well, they're wrapped up in their own lives. Learn from that. Do for yourself, like yourself, interactions with others are voluntary and transitory and not a definition of who you are.

 

The thing is, nothing really sticks with me. I've tried many different things over the last 10-15 years of my life, trying to find avenues with which to derive some sense of personal satisfaction from, but I'm just not very into anything.

 

For instance, I've tried several times over those years to try exercising/ working out/ whatever. But I've never been an "athletic" person. I don't enjoy doing that stuff, it doesn't make me feel good about myself doing it, and I just don't care about any of the potential benefits of it enough to stick with it.

 

Similarly, that is also how I end up feeling about any new hobby or venture I pursue. Nothing ever really interests or sticks with me.

 

I can understand why some people, such as user normal person, up there, perceive that to be "laziness" on the surface, but for me, it's not a case of "I don't want to, I just want to sit here and be handed everything!". I just don't connect with anything, on any level. There's nothing I have an interest in or desire for, there's nothing I have an affinity towards, there's no curiosities that I want to explore. Not because I'm "lazy", but because... well, honestly, I don't know why. It frustrates me to be so disconnected from everything and everyone. But that's how I am.

 

OP, if you like yourself, sincerely and authentically, all the rejection in the world, and dislike, becomes irrelevant. Really, how important in the scheme of existence are all these people who apparently dislike you or find you unattractive? They're the same, fragile, life-limited organisms as you. Additionally, unlike you, they've proactively sought to diminish your existence with their ignoral and dislike. What does that say about them? Why do you allow them the power? They have none or, at best, no more than you.

 

It's OK to be disappointed. You tried, it didn't work out, done. Move on.

 

Eh. Well, I'm not so much thinking about people finding me to specifically be unattractive and unappealing. Rather, I'm simply saddened at the idea that no one is even attracted or interested in me. In other words, rather than looking at the actual "negative" of it, I'm just focused on the lack of "positive" of it.

 

In a way, I quite like the idea of Tinder. I'll never be successful trying to date and socialize "in the real world". But the typical online dating sites are just as murky, because anyone can contact anyone, and it's easy to get lost in the ocean of users there. At least on something like Tinder, it narrows things down to people who find each other mutually attractive.

 

I dunno. For the most part, I've accepted that I'll never actually date. But every now and then, I get these desires, and I want to try to find someone, but given the kind of person I am, I have to adjust how I do it accordingly. Real life dating doesn't work for me, typical online dating sites don't work for me. I'd hoped that Tinder might help matters at least a little.

 

I suppose in a little while, my current "desire" for companionship will fade out again, and I'll stop thinking about it for a bit, but then I'll inevitably circle back around to it, and I don't know what I can pursue next.

[normal person]

 

The thing is, nothing really sticks with me. I've tried many different things over the last 10-15 years of my life, trying to find avenues with which to derive some sense of personal satisfaction from, but I'm just not very into anything.

 

I can understand why some people, such as user normal person, up there, perceive that to be "laziness" on the surface, but for me, it's not a case of "I don't want to, I just want to sit here and be handed everything!". I just don't connect with anything, on any level. There's nothing I have an interest in or desire for, there's nothing I have an affinity towards, there's no curiosities that I want to explore. Not because I'm "lazy", but because... well, honestly, I don't know why. It frustrates me to be so disconnected from everything and everyone. But that's how I am.

 

To be fair, I don't think I explicitly called you lazy, I suggested that it might be the case as it is for many people here. I'm willing to eat my words and admit that maybe I mischaracterized you. But it seemed possible that you were a person who wanted to change something who wasn't willing to do anything about it. But the fact you don't have any interests or passions is concerning and likely how you got to this spot. What do you derive joy from? What makes life worth living for you? Why do you get up in the morning? What do you want to accomplish and what's your plan to do it?

[edgygirl]

Haha this was awesome but frankly, as a woman, I LOVE men who are brutally honest about themselves online. I like genuine people no matter what.

 

You have to market yourself like it or not.

 

If you saw this ad for soylent would you buy it?

 

"this is just a bunch of stuff like protein powder, oats and some vitamins ground up that you mix with water. It tastes pretty bad. You don't even get to chew your food anymore. And it's the exact same every meal"?

 

You might be slightly more tempted by

"breakthrough wonder food that allows you to obtain the perfect nutritional requirements in one easy meal that's ready in seconds! "

 

Both are true descriptions of the same thing.

[Chris2016]

Haha this was awesome but frankly, as a woman, I LOVE men who are brutally honest about themselves online. I like genuine people no matter what.

 

I forget where, but someone once mentioned that in their online dating profile they said they were $140K in student loan debts. Gal chose him because he was honest, whereas other women saw that as a negative. That was an interesting read I thought.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Heh, I certainly won't do better in real life... I'm much too introverted and socially inept/ awkward to meet and connect with people in the real world. Online, I might at least have a chance, as it creates a buffer (at least initially) for my awkwardness and ineptitude. Granted, I'd much rather meet someone "offline", but I'm just not the kind of person that can do the "cold approach" or meet and mingle with people.

 

Eh. I hate going down this rabbit hole, because I feel like some people don't quite understand the way I think and the way I see things. Instead, people infer that I'm "lazy" or accuse me of "not wanting to put in any effort but wanting all the reward". Neither of which is the case, and frankly, I don't appreciate the condescending attitude. Read my responses to carhill below to see how my mind is REALLY working.

 

The thing is, nothing really sticks with me. I've tried many different things over the last 10-15 years of my life, trying to find avenues with which to derive some sense of personal satisfaction from, but I'm just not very into anything.

 

For instance, I've tried several times over those years to try exercising/ working out/ whatever. But I've never been an "athletic" person. I don't enjoy doing that stuff, it doesn't make me feel good about myself doing it, and I just don't care about any of the potential benefits of it enough to stick with it.

 

Similarly, that is also how I end up feeling about any new hobby or venture I pursue. Nothing ever really interests or sticks with me.

 

I can understand why some people, such as user normal person, up there, perceive that to be "laziness" on the surface, but for me, it's not a case of "I don't want to, I just want to sit here and be handed everything!". I just don't connect with anything, on any level. There's nothing I have an interest in or desire for, there's nothing I have an affinity towards, there's no curiosities that I want to explore. Not because I'm "lazy", but because... well, honestly, I don't know why. It frustrates me to be so disconnected from everything and everyone. But that's how I am.

 

Eh. Well, I'm not so much thinking about people finding me to specifically be unattractive and unappealing. Rather, I'm simply saddened at the idea that no one is even attracted or interested in me. In other words, rather than looking at the actual "negative" of it, I'm just focused on the lack of "positive" of it.

 

In a way, I quite like the idea of Tinder. I'll never be successful trying to date and socialize "in the real world". But the typical online dating sites are just as murky, because anyone can contact anyone, and it's easy to get lost in the ocean of users there. At least on something like Tinder, it narrows things down to people who find each other mutually attractive.

 

I dunno. For the most part, I've accepted that I'll never actually date. But every now and then, I get these desires, and I want to try to find someone, but given the kind of person I am, I have to adjust how I do it accordingly. Real life dating doesn't work for me, typical online dating sites don't work for me. I'd hoped that Tinder might help matters at least a little.

 

I suppose in a little while, my current "desire" for companionship will fade out again, and I'll stop thinking about it for a bit, but then I'll inevitably circle back around to it, and I don't know what I can pursue next.

 

Inflikted,

 

I'm speaking as a woman (single but way too old for you), and I will tell you this. You are more articulate, intelligent, and self-aware than 99% of the people on Tinder. I can tell that by the way you write. Just look at the above.

 

Tinder is a meat market where looks are the only thing that matter. TBH, and you might as well face it, your height is probably the main reason you are getting passed by. Height is something you can't change. We all have things we can't change but wish we could. Do you really want a woman who chooses men based on such superficial criteria? A woman like that would probably bore you within half an hour anyway.

 

I guarantee you that not all women do that, but you ain't gonna find those woman on Tinder. So like carhill said.... you tried it; it didn't work; onward.

 

What you want is a woman who sees you for you. Who wants to get to know you. Not the superficial parts. But the real you. Like normal person said, it's great to work out or do whatever you can to improve the outer shell of you, but that should be something you do to feel better about YOU. To make you feel more confident. Not to attract someone.

 

Believe me, there are women out there who will want to get to know the real you. You may not be social and outgoing, but so what. That's who you are, and it's perfectly fine. Many people aren't. Doesn't mean you can't find a way to meet people. And I say "people", not "women". I think you need to find ways to get out of your shell and meet people. In the real world, not online. Takes courage, but everything worthwhile does.

 

Be good with who you are, and you will find women who will want to know you as a man. But you won't find them on Tinder. Good luck.

[Inflikted]

To be fair, I don't think I explicitly called you lazy, I suggested that it might be the case as it is for many people here. I'm willing to eat my words and admit that maybe I mischaracterized you. But it seemed possible that you were a person who wanted to change something who wasn't willing to do anything about it. But the fact you don't have any interests or passions is concerning and likely how you got to this spot. What do you derive joy from? What makes life worth living for you? Why do you get up in the morning? What do you want to accomplish and what's your plan to do it?

 

Honestly, not much of anything, really. I had "dreams", and I pursued them, but I failed, and those dreams are long since dead. I've not been able to figure out new things that I want to pursue. Nothing really brings me any kind of personal satisfaction these days, and my life is just one big grind, at this point.

 

As I said, I've tried to get myself into new things and whatnot many times over the years, but nothing ever feels like the right fit to me, and I just can't get myself to stick with anything because I don't really enjoy it or have much of an interest in it.

 

Inflikted,

 

I'm speaking as a woman (single but way too old for you), and I will tell you this. You are more articulate, intelligent, and self-aware than 99% of the people on Tinder. I can tell that by the way you write. Just look at the above.

 

Heh, while you're not the first to compliment my articulation, I still question whether it's really much of a positive. I mean, I'm not exactly going to get any ladies all hot and bothered by expressing my thoughts in writing in an articulate way. As far as intelligence, I'd say the way I write and express myself probably makes me seem a lot more intelligent than I actually am, so, take that for what it's worth.

 

What you want is a woman who sees you for you. Who wants to get to know you. Not the superficial parts. But the real you. Like normal person said, it's great to work out or do whatever you can to improve the outer shell of you, but that should be something you do to feel better about YOU. To make you feel more confident. Not to attract someone.

 

Believe me, there are women out there who will want to get to know the real you. You may not be social and outgoing, but so what. That's who you are, and it's perfectly fine. Many people aren't. Doesn't mean you can't find a way to meet people. And I say "people", not "women". I think you need to find ways to get out of your shell and meet people. In the real world, not online. Takes courage, but everything worthwhile does.

 

Be good with who you are, and you will find women who will want to know you as a man. But you won't find them on Tinder. Good luck.

 

I guess. I just can't ever really see myself "meeting" someone out in the real world. I'm not "scared" or "afraid" of people or social scenarios, so I don't really see it as something I need to be "brave" about, I'm just not really wired in such a way to be a sociable person. I've spent a long time trying to get better at being more sociable, but I've not improved in that area at all. I'm still very stiff and awkward, I'm still very quiet and reserved, I'm still extremely introverted and "loner"-minded, I still can't even really hold a proper conversation with another person.

 

I'm still of the opinion that there's not much of a "real me" for anyone to come to appreciate. I can sugarcoat myself with external factors, but deep down, the "real me" is dull and boring and uninteresting and unintelligent and not funny and not charming, etc. Regardless of whatever external factors I might dress myself up with, once people see through that and see me at my core, they won't want to stick around.

 

I actually say that from experience, as well. A number of years ago, I was trying really hard to make friends with a group of people I knew. I was never deceitful about myself to them, but I did try to put the best possible "spin" on myself and be as positive and as confident as I could. And for a little while, it seemed to be working, and that made me happy. But once they started to see my at my core, their interest fell off a cliff and I was left behind. This cycle has repeated itself a few times, in my life since then, though this was probably the most significant and most depressing instance of it, for me.

 

As far as doing things both to make myself feel good and to make me more attractive to people, again, I say that I just can't seem to find anything that makes me feel good, nor anything that I have enough of an interest in to pursue long term. Nothing "clicks" with me, nothing fits me or suits me very well, nothing really interests me or has any concrete easy-to-see benefits that I find desirable.

 

And again, it's not for a lack of trying. That frustrates me. I just can't seem to find my way, in life, and I feel like I'm running out of time. I've already wasted so much of my life trying to figure it out, and I'm still absolutely nowhere, and at this point, my life is almost half over.

[HopeForTomorrow]

Heh, while you're not the first to compliment my articulation, I still question whether it's really much of a positive. I mean, I'm not exactly going to get any ladies all hot and bothered by expressing my thoughts in writing in an articulate way.

 

I beg to differ. The right ladies will. Besides which, being able to write in an articulate way signifies more than just being able to write in an articulate way.

 

As far as intelligence, I'd say the way I write and express myself probably makes me seem a lot more intelligent than I actually am, so, take that for what it's worth.

 

Why do you put yourself down?

 

I'm not "scared" or "afraid" of people or social scenarios, so I don't really see it as something I need to be "brave" about, I'm just not really wired in such a way to be a sociable person.

 

You don't have to be a "sociable" person. Lots of people are introverted and don't enjoy social situations. That doesn't mean you can't get out there and meet people who are like minded.

 

I've spent a long time trying to get better at being more sociable, but I've not improved in that area at all. I'm still very stiff and awkward, I'm still very quiet and reserved, I'm still extremely introverted and "loner"-minded, I still can't even really hold a proper conversation with another person.

 

You are who you are. Why fight it? You just haven't met the right person yet. When you do, you will connect and there will be conversation.

 

I'm still of the opinion that there's not much of a "real me" for anyone to come to appreciate. I can sugarcoat myself with external factors, but deep down, the "real me" is dull and boring and uninteresting and unintelligent and not funny and not charming, etc. Regardless of whatever external factors I might dress myself up with, once people see through that and see me at my core, they won't want to stick around.

 

Why do you put yourself down?

 

I actually say that from experience, as well. A number of years ago, I was trying really hard to make friends with a group of people I knew. I was never deceitful about myself to them, but I did try to put the best possible "spin" on myself and be as positive and as confident as I could. And for a little while, it seemed to be working, and that made me happy. But once they started to see my at my core, their interest fell off a cliff and I was left behind. This cycle has repeated itself a few times, in my life since then, though this was probably the most significant and most depressing instance of it, for me.

 

Maybe you are trying too hard.

 

As far as doing things both to make myself feel good and to make me more attractive to people, again, I say that I just can't seem to find anything that makes me feel good, nor anything that I have enough of an interest in to pursue long term. Nothing "clicks" with me, nothing fits me or suits me very well, nothing really interests me or has any concrete easy-to-see benefits that I find desirable.

 

Oh, come on. I don't believe that.

 

And again, it's not for a lack of trying. That frustrates me. I just can't seem to find my way, in life, and I feel like I'm running out of time. I've already wasted so much of my life trying to figure it out, and I'm still absolutely nowhere, and at this point, my life is almost half over.

 

Here's what I want you to do, if you will accept my challenge.

 

Tell me 5 random things about yourself. Just things about who you are.

 

I did this with a good male friend I had once upon a time, and we learned so much about each other that way. For example, I learned that he was afraid of ducks. (Big muscular guy). But he told me the story why, and I learned something good about him with that random fact, and with other random facts that we shared.

 

Now... tell me 5 things that are positive about you. Don't tell me you can't think of anything, because you can. Even if they are small things. Tell me.

[normal person]

Inflikted,

Tinder is a meat market where looks are the only thing that matter. TBH, and you might as well face it, your height is probably the main reason you are getting passed by. Height is something you can't change. We all have things we can't change but wish we could. Do you really want a woman who chooses men based on such superficial criteria? A woman like that would probably bore you within half an hour anyway.

 

I know you're trying to bring some positivity to the discussion and all, and while I know your intentions are good, let's be honest: I don't think his height is a Tinder-specific issue. At 5'1" it's not going to be a particularly easy path no matter where he looks. People are superficial -- it's biological. The whole concept of Tinder is merely a reflection of that. Saying that women who discriminate on height are likely to be boring doesn't make any sense. Pretty much all women (and men), regardless of intellect, compassion, understanding, or any positive trait you can think of, discriminate on physical, superficial characteristics like height. That's why people put pictures on OLD profiles. I'm well educated, successful, empathetic, and I'm as discriminatory as they get. I struggle to see how simply wanting a girl who's in as good of shape as I am, <3" shorter than me, and attractive, might make me boring.

 

What you want is a woman who sees you for you. Who wants to get to know you. Not the superficial parts. But the real you. Like normal person said, it's great to work out or do whatever you can to improve the outer shell of you, but that should be something you do to feel better about YOU. To make you feel more confident. Not to attract someone. Believe me, there are women out there who will want to get to know the real you.

 

See, all this sounds well and good, but when you dig a little deeper, he admits that there's nothing about about life that he gets excited about, nothing that feels right, his dreams are dead, etc. This is the "real him" as it stands. The issue is that not many people are going to want to get to know someone like this. There's no "bait." There's no "sales pitch." There's no real reason for anyone to want to get to know him if he's this way. Something needs to change before that happens.

 

Be good with who you are, and you will find women who will want to know you as a man. But you won't find them on Tinder. Good luck.

 

The thing is, he's been trying that for years and it hasn't worked. Being good with who he is is exactly why he's in the desperate situation he's in and looking for help.

 

OP, there's a lot to be said for being yourself. If that's what makes you happy, by all means, do it. But if you aren't happy with just that, or if you desire a relationship more than the comfort and familiarity of your current self, you'll have to make compromises and changes. If what you really desire is women and relationships, at some point, you'll have to do something to appeal to them even if you don't like the process or if it's antithetical to some part of your typical sense of being. It will require stepping out of your comfort zone.

 

Think back to when we were talking about the sales pitch. If you want someone to buy your product, then at some point, you need to tell or show the person what's in it for them, why you're worth their time, attention, and affection. There needs to be something interesting, exciting, attractive, engaging, mysterious, powerful, respectable, funny, etc that flips the switch for them to want it. Easier said than done, of course. But at the end of the day, if what you ultimately want is the time and attention of someone else, you need to have something that appeals to them, regardless of what conventional wisdom says about "being yourself."

 

So my advice is not to waste time with insular pursuits that will only make you happy or distracted. You need to do things that other people will respect and admire you for. Do charity work, start a business, write an article, try stand up comedy, join a band, etc. Anything that positively integrates yourself with the broader scope of society. You need to go out and successfully do things that affect and resonate with other people. Those things will interest and endear people, and you'll have some of their respect and you won't have to lean on the "there's nothing particularly special about me" routine anymore. It will give you something to enjoy, something to live for, and something to hang your hat on and get people interested in you. I think that's the first step in the process. Best of luck.

Edited May 3, 2016 by normal person