confused_gf Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Hi all, here is a little rant/invite for advice if you have any, I know that nobody is perfect but I have been having a hell of a time finding any potential in the guys that are coming my way, I am 25 years old. It always starts out with physical attraction, sexual chemistry, common interests, similar world views, maybe even a spiritual or intellectual connection too. He acts nice, we hang out, he is on his best behavior for all of ten minutes... Then it quickly deteriorates. The guy wants to move super fast. Doesn't understand the dynamics of healthy relationship. Wants me in his life but doesn't want to be monogamous, or doesn't believe in monogamy at all. 9/10 has some kind of substance abuse issue. Isn't financially stable, or is stingy and controlling with money (meaning, I won't buy you a meal EVER - even if you drive out of your way to pick me up, I won't buy you a juice or soup if you are sick as a nice gesture). He is critical. Does not understand his own emotions and instead blows small situations out of proportion instead of talking to me about how he feels. Has an anger problem. Might be prone to violence, breaking things. Has a massive ego to protect and tries to act like he is the best thing that ever happened to me when he is quickly becoming a parasite in my life. Wants a "casual" sex scenario. Or does he? Doesn't know what he wants. Starts playing mind games. Does whatever he wants, can't be held accountable. Then it is time to say goodbye, either he breaks it off or I do, but then again I would say almost always "this guy" wants me back or is heartbroken and I feel bad, but? Why can't I just meet a nice guy who is funny, cool, has similar goals, and we make each other feel good instead of trying to drag each other down? I should also mention that I tend to attract guys slightly younger than myself. This year I even met a 50 year old thinking it would be a good thing for me until I realized everything about him seemed MUCH younger than even a 30 year old man...he even talks somewhat like a little boy. Which I started to find somewhat creepy. This year I left my city of five years, partially because I didn't like where I was living, but also because someone I loved told me they loved me and then took it back a month later and pretended like I was crazy. A year later when I was dating another pill of a dude - this guy wrote a song about how he shouldn't have let me go. Now in my new location I have not been short on options for dating, but they have all proved to be a little "out there" in one regard or another. I have decided I am officially back on break from seeing anyone because the last one I was with cracked my windshield when I told him I needed some personal space after being with him for three days straight - we had just met. I should also mention, I did not have the greatest dad growing up. He popped in and out of my life every now and again. Was never a great support system and we never saw eye to eye about much of anything. If I could sum it up I would say he was Disneyland Dad, fun to be around but otherwise an irresponsible jerk. Both of my parents were not great and I have reason to believe they both have strong narcissistic traits that are slowly resolving as they get older. So now I am on break, far away from all these dudes. I'm wondering how I should even approach a romantic situation in the future? I'm feeling a little jaded to say the least. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 One option is to grow your social circle in your new location with female friends you respect and where you also admire and respect the men they are with, either as spouses or boyfriends or dating partners. This puts you in contact with groups which are more likely to be synergistic with your relationship POV. Since you shared some FOO background, be on the lookout for patterns of lackluster attraction among that group. Why? Because love was defined to you in a certain way, one which you are currently identifying as unhealthy. To the extent your attraction style is predicated upon it, so will it be up to you to resolve that issue to become attracted to men whom you encounter. Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Pretty much as Carhill said, your picker is off. The good news is you seem to be spotting it ten minutes in. I would just chalk that up to a bad date. Move on when you get the gut instinct and act upon it. Kiss a lot of frogs... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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