Trouble with the dating game recently..

[CAlec]

Recently I have been having some trouble dating and finding a lover for that matter.

 

2 years ago I came out of a relationship for 5 years. Sadly it just didn't work and ended on a very bad note. It took me some time to recover but eventually I did. So the past year I have been trying dating and it just seems like its been difficult to find dates.

 

I am 30, just finishing up graduate school, so I am a little behind the 8 ball career wise. As a result I am living like an undergraduate, have an apartment which a roommate, and money is tight as you can imagine. I generally consider myself an attractive guy, I am in shape, and prior to the long term relationship, I had no issues finding dates. I don't live in a big city, I suspect it would be easier if I did.

 

I don't know if its my age now, or my life situation but it is significantly harder now. I have not been adding people to my circle of friends and as a result I just don't meet new woman often. When I do, they are usually taken or they have some situation I don't want to deal with. I far from shallow, but some of these are just bad situations I don't want to be involved in.

 

Dating friends of a friend just isn't working, I tried Tinder but woman on there just seem to want to "hook up" and call it a day. I have heard bad things about sites like match.com.

 

Honestly, I just don't know. I feel like I am a great guy and a decent catch. This community had been helpful with advice after the breakup so I figured I'd ask again. Any ideas would be great and any advice would help here! Thanks

[Oregon_Dude]

Dating has changed. Online dating is a wasteland and a self-esteem killer. Expectations are at an all-time, unrealistic high. Don't look to dating to affirm your worth, because it will just make you feel like a piece of sh*t.

 

You are OK. Times are tough and rejection is even tougher.

[Mendalore]

I'm in an extremely similar boat.

 

I'm 31. Didn't go to graduate school, but I suffered a nasty accident about 7 years ago which incurred about $8k in medical bills which I had to put on plastic. As a result, I live in a 2br apt with a roommate. Career-wise I'm doing very well. I could technically make more money somewhere else, but I *love* what I do for a living.

 

I dated a girl earlier this year for about 3 months. Met her through a friend (his sister actually, long story, they're not that close, we're still more than cool, etc) It was heaven for me. She was beautiful, intelligent, great in the sack, funny, active, but knew how to relax, and the list goes on. I, honestly, still miss her A LOT, but I'm getting out, trying to meet new people, and trying the OLD thing.

 

Online dating, while it seems to be an awesome venture, really does wear on your self-esteem. As guys, we're sending out multitudes of decently-thought-out missives with little response. It's one thing when someone you don't know or may not have a lot in common with rejects you. When all you say is "hi," and they say "go away," you can blow it off pretty easily. They're likely either not looking, busy, not physically attracted to you, or just in a sour mood. No harm, no foul. On the other side of the coin, meeting someone in person has a lot of positives. Rather than just seeing your face on a screen they can be attracted to your liveliness, presence, or voice. Things a photo can't capture.

 

When you see their personality laid out on a screen, know they're obviously looking for someone since they're on the site, are able to see that you have a lot in common, make a case for it in a message, and are still rejected, it makes you think "what's wrong with me, then?"

 

It'd be less of a problem if you just shot winks or "hey, what's up" kind of messages, but most girls actually state in their profiles something along the lines of "If all you can muster is a 'hey, what's up,' don't bother."

 

I wish I could offer advice on where to find women, really. I don't know about you, but the common "gym and bar" answers don't sit well with me. I live close to downtown Cleveland, but it's still a 30 minute hike by the time you park, get through traffic, walk to your location, etc. The town in which I live is pretty weak. It's a great town for white bread, suburban families, but most of the available girls here are country girls, which, quite frankly, I'm mostly not attracted to. I like camping and getting on into nature, but I'm not a muddin', fishin', truck drivin', country music listenin' kind of guy. When I can afford to, I fully intend on moving as close as I can to downtown.

 

I like checking out new breweries, going to concerts, going to plays, going to wineries, etc, but none of those are really conducive to be done by oneself. Going for walks, bike rides, seeing movies, and things like that are OK to do by yourself, but they're not exactly socially-inclined.

 

A lot of what I like to do while in a relationship with someone aren't really things I'd do, by myself, outside a relationship, you know?

Edited October 6, 2015 by Mendalore

[Miss Peach]

I'm a female so the game is a little different but I found sites like meetup were helpful. Once I found a group or two with a similar mindset I met all sorts of people.

[newmoon]

<<<...As a result I am living like an undergraduate, have an apartment which a roommate, and money is tight as you can imagine>>>>

 

how, exactly, at age 30, can you be considered a good catch with this lifestyle? these factors aren't selling points, even if you look ok. with this lifestyle you should be dating co-eds 19-21 and not grown-up women. i'm not surprised you've got some troubles...

[Mendalore]

<<<...As a result I am living like an undergraduate, have an apartment which a roommate, and money is tight as you can imagine>>>>

 

how, exactly, at age 30, can you be considered a good catch with this lifestyle? these factors aren't selling points, even if you look ok. with this lifestyle you should be dating co-eds 19-21 and not grown-up women. i'm not surprised you've got some troubles...

 

I know this is directed at the OP, but...

 

Are you referring more to the roommate situation, undergrad lifestyle, or tight money bit?

 

I have a roommate so I can afford to actually live my life with a level of quality. I could very easily live by myself if I ate ramen for each meal, never get out, etc. I have a roommate so I can eat healthy, afford to go on an actual vacation every couple years, go to events, AND be able to pay down my debt.

[newmoon]

I know this is directed at the OP, but...

 

Are you referring more to the roommate situation, undergrad lifestyle, or tight money bit?

 

I have a roommate so I can afford to actually live my life with a level of quality. I could very easily live by myself if I ate ramen for each meal, never get out, etc. I have a roommate so I can eat healthy, afford to go on an actual vacation every couple years, go to events, AND be able to pay down my debt.

 

all 3 of them together = not a good catch. he's not 21, he's 30. that lifestyle isn't ok after a certain point. at the very least it's not appealing to lots of women in his closer age group. he admitted to not having a career, so add that in as well. one of these issues would be tolerable, but he's got too many. as i see it he'd need to lower his standards to attract someone b/c a women in his relative age group w/her s&*^ together wouldn't need or want him. sorry OP, just as i see it

[CAlec]

all 3 of them together = not a good catch. he's not 21, he's 30. that lifestyle isn't ok after a certain point. at the very least it's not appealing to lots of women in his closer age group. he admitted to not having a career, so add that in as well. one of these issues would be tolerable, but he's got too many. as i see it he'd need to lower his standards to attract someone b/c a women in his relative age group w/her s&*^ together wouldn't need or want him. sorry OP, just as i see it

 

To my defense, I am in graduate school (doctorate in pharmacy) to get ahead career wise. I was sick of being stuck at making barely 40k a year and decided I should shoot higher in life. So while on the surface, its far from ideal, on the flip side I made a decision to live like this for a few years so I don't have to play the living paycheck to paycheck game the rest of my life. Defensive about this? Yes, because I feel I am a great catch shooting for this. I also only have a year and 1/2 left, so this lifestyle isn't permanent.

 

And I know what you are referring by saying what you said, but I am just suggesting, if you look a little deeper into the situation. In your defense, I didn't detail exactly what I was doing, not sure if that changes your opinion. My roommate is in a similar boat as well, she is just a few years younger, making her situation a little more acceptable? I dunno.

 

When I made this decision, I was in the middle of the long term relationship. So I never imagined I would be searching for love while going through this.

[CAlec]

I'm in an extremely similar boat.

 

I'm 31. Didn't go to graduate school, but I suffered a nasty accident about 7 years ago which incurred about $8k in medical bills which I had to put on plastic. As a result, I live in a 2br apt with a roommate. Career-wise I'm doing very well. I could technically make more money somewhere else, but I *love* what I do for a living.

 

I dated a girl earlier this year for about 3 months. Met her through a friend (his sister actually, long story, they're not that close, we're still more than cool, etc) It was heaven for me. She was beautiful, intelligent, great in the sack, funny, active, but knew how to relax, and the list goes on. I, honestly, still miss her A LOT, but I'm getting out, trying to meet new people, and trying the OLD thing.

 

Online dating, while it seems to be an awesome venture, really does wear on your self-esteem. As guys, we're sending out multitudes of decently-thought-out missives with little response. It's one thing when someone you don't know or may not have a lot in common with rejects you. When all you say is "hi," and they say "go away," you can blow it off pretty easily. They're likely either not looking, busy, not physically attracted to you, or just in a sour mood. No harm, no foul. On the other side of the coin, meeting someone in person has a lot of positives. Rather than just seeing your face on a screen they can be attracted to your liveliness, presence, or voice. Things a photo can't capture.

 

When you see their personality laid out on a screen, know they're obviously looking for someone since they're on the site, are able to see that you have a lot in common, make a case for it in a message, and are still rejected, it makes you think "what's wrong with me, then?"

 

It'd be less of a problem if you just shot winks or "hey, what's up" kind of messages, but most girls actually state in their profiles something along the lines of "If all you can muster is a 'hey, what's up,' don't bother."

 

I wish I could offer advice on where to find women, really. I don't know about you, but the common "gym and bar" answers don't sit well with me. I live close to downtown Cleveland, but it's still a 30 minute hike by the time you park, get through traffic, walk to your location, etc. The town in which I live is pretty weak. It's a great town for white bread, suburban families, but most of the available girls here are country girls, which, quite frankly, I'm mostly not attracted to. I like camping and getting on into nature, but I'm not a muddin', fishin', truck drivin', country music listenin' kind of guy. When I can afford to, I fully intend on moving as close as I can to downtown.

 

I like checking out new breweries, going to concerts, going to plays, going to wineries, etc, but none of those are really conducive to be done by oneself. Going for walks, bike rides, seeing movies, and things like that are OK to do by yourself, but they're not exactly socially-inclined.

 

A lot of what I like to do while in a relationship with someone aren't really things I'd do, by myself, outside a relationship, you know?

 

Thanks for sharing and I feel i share some of these things as well.

 

My last relationship ended on bad terms. I do miss the good times, but it was right for both of us to walk away and go in different directions. Looking back, yes it does make me sad, but I really forced myself to move on, it does no good to waste energy thinking about it all the time.

 

I really don't want to try a dating site, I have heard what you and other have said, be prepared to suffer through many blows to your self-esteem, etc. I will do it if this spell last much longer, but I prefer other things to try.

 

I am running out of alternatives though, once this busy stretch of deadlines in grad school ends, I want to force myself to start meeting new people. Its just harder than it appears. I am open to any ides on how to do this. My friends are great, but they are either all in the marries phase or soon to be married phase. Very few want to go out anymore, and its understandable, different phases of life right now.

 

Sorry to hear about the medical bills you racked up; I had a friend in the same situation. He had an injury that required surgery and hospitalizations, he didn't have healthcare, and he ended up pretty much having to move back with his parents fro 2 years to pay it off, then went back to living in an apartment.

 

When I do social activities, its with the same people, I don't meet anyone knew and it just seems in the rare circumstances I do, the are always in a relationship.

[Mendalore]

I almost wish mine ended on bad terms so I could channel sadness through anger or whatever. The worst part was that it was just that her attraction waned for me. If that's not a self-esteem hit, I don't know what is...

 

Forgive my ignorance, but since you're in school isn't that a prime location to meet new people? Classmates, study groups, school events, and things of that nature? Or are those groups mostly your already-established circle of friends?

[Michelle ma Belle]

all 3 of them together = not a good catch. he's not 21, he's 30. that lifestyle isn't ok after a certain point. at the very least it's not appealing to lots of women in his closer age group. he admitted to not having a career, so add that in as well. one of these issues would be tolerable, but he's got too many. as i see it he'd need to lower his standards to attract someone b/c a women in his relative age group w/her s&*^ together wouldn't need or want him. sorry OP, just as i see it

 

Wow, aren't you full of piss and vinegar.

 

Speaking as a woman, and speaking about OP specifically, it's not nearly as black and white as you're making it out to be.

 

If I met someone who was in OP's situation but who was working hard towards something greater, his present circumstances would not deter me in the least from getting to know him better provided there was some kind of chemistry between us. Had he been a guy living off his parents with no goals or aspirations except getting high as often as he can, THEN I'd agree with you. This isn't the case with the OP therefore telling him he has to "lower his standards" is pure horsesh*t.

 

OP, I commend you for taking control of your career and future. In order to achieve our goals sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Your education/career has been a priority for you and that's okay.

 

I think taking a look at local Meet Up groups in your area would be a great place to start. At the very least, get out more and do things you really enjoy doing whatever that might be. Often times you can meet great people in some of the most unexpected places.

 

Good luck.

[CAlec]

Wow, aren't you full of piss and vinegar.

 

Speaking as a woman, and speaking about OP specifically, it's not nearly as black and white as you're making it out to be.

 

If I met someone who was in OP's situation but who was working hard towards something greater, his present circumstances would not deter me in the least from getting to know him better provided there was some kind of chemistry between us. Had he been a guy living off his parents with no goals or aspirations except getting high as often as he can, THEN I'd agree with you. This isn't the case with the OP therefore telling him he has to "lower his standards" is pure horsesh*t.

 

OP, I commend you for taking control of your career and future. In order to achieve our goals sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Your education/career has been a priority for you and that's okay.

 

I think taking a look at local Meet Up groups in your area would be a great place to start. At the very least, get out more and do things you really enjoy doing whatever that might be. Often times you can meet great people in some of the most unexpected places.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this post, it actually made me feel better about my career and schooling decision. You said it better than I could of, I made a short term personal sacrifice to achieve a long term goal.

 

Its interesting your comments on not seeing it as black/white. Some of my best friends in life are females, and I have talked them them on this topic. Most tell me its definitely a detractor but I am a great guy so it will largely outweigh it.

 

The last woman I was kind of dating told me specifically "You're nice to look at and fun to hang around with but not someone I can see myself settling down with because you don't have your act together in life". This is what really kicked off my thoughts into the I am definitely in trouble on the love front based on my life situation.

 

Am I desperate? No, I don't feel like I absolutely have to find companionship right this moment. I miss it, I really do and that drives me to want to find someone.

 

Do I lack confidence? Of course. My life situation is the root of this. I feel I am attractive and I feel I am a fun person. It just seems like its not enough to overcome my situation right now.

 

I just need to break the barrier on meeting new woman. The Meet Me Group idea is a nice once, never heard or thought of this, but I am going to try this. I do need to get out more, just grad school and working part time restricts me to just being able to to this a few nights a week.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Thank you for this post, it actually made me feel better about my career and schooling decision. You said it better than I could of, I made a short term personal sacrifice to achieve a long term goal.

 

Its interesting your comments on not seeing it as black/white. Some of my best friends in life are females, and I have talked them them on this topic. Most tell me its definitely a detractor but I am a great guy so it will largely outweigh it.

 

The last woman I was kind of dating told me specifically "You're nice to look at and fun to hang around with but not someone I can see myself settling down with because you don't have your act together in life". This is what really kicked off my thoughts into the I am definitely in trouble on the love front based on my life situation.

 

Am I desperate? No, I don't feel like I absolutely have to find companionship right this moment. I miss it, I really do and that drives me to want to find someone.

 

Do I lack confidence? Of course. My life situation is the root of this. I feel I am attractive and I feel I am a fun person. It just seems like its not enough to overcome my situation right now.

 

I just need to break the barrier on meeting new woman. The Meet Me Group idea is a nice once, never heard or thought of this, but I am going to try this. I do need to get out more, just grad school and working part time restricts me to just being able to to this a few nights a week.

 

Consider your current situation as a way to vet the worthy prospects from the unworthy ones. If a woman can't see past your immediate circumstances, it's HER loss. Period.

 

There are plenty of great women out there who can see the bigger picture. They are worth the wait.

Edited October 7, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[Miss Peach]

Speaking as a woman, and speaking about OP specifically, it's not nearly as black and white as you're making it out to be.

 

If I met someone who was in OP's situation but who was working hard towards something greater, his present circumstances would not deter me in the least from getting to know him better provided there was some kind of chemistry between us. Had he been a guy living off his parents with no goals or aspirations except getting high as often as he can, THEN I'd agree with you. This isn't the case with the OP therefore telling him he has to "lower his standards" is pure horsesh*t.

 

OP, I commend you for taking control of your career and future. In order to achieve our goals sometimes we have to make sacrifices. Your education/career has been a priority for you and that's okay.

 

 

I agree with this as a woman. I am actually doing it myself. I am in my early 30s and sharing an apartment with a roommate. I can double my savings rate for a goal of mine. I don't plan to do it forever.

 

So far it hasn't been an issue in dating other than guys being confused that I don't invite them inside after dates. I do feel bad about it myself because I would like to have my BF over, cook him a nice meal, etc. but I don't because it would be too awkward with my roommate here. My roommate also wouldn't like it.

 

I also met a guy friend about a year ago. He bought a house with his mom. We actually have the same end goal which is why we became friends. I wouldn't want to date him but it's not because he lives with his mother.

 

To be fair, I would inquire about your end goal and timeline and if I didn't see any progress on it I would consider bailing. I've met too many guys who insist they are "working on it" but they are all talk and no actions. As long as I saw actions it wouldn't bother me - especially if it were a short term thing.

[GemmaUK]

all 3 of them together = not a good catch. he's not 21, he's 30. that lifestyle isn't ok after a certain point. at the very least it's not appealing to lots of women in his closer age group. he admitted to not having a career, so add that in as well. one of these issues would be tolerable, but he's got too many. as i see it he'd need to lower his standards to attract someone b/c a women in his relative age group w/her s&*^ together wouldn't need or want him. sorry OP, just as i see it

 

 

Wow!!

 

Is this how women other than me think these days? Crikey! I am stunned!!

 

I'll post some stats..men like stats..hehe!

 

Men I have had relationships with over my lifetime of dating:

Lives with parents: ages 19, 22 & 42

Lives with room mates: ages 22, 23, 32, 39 & 45

Unemployed: age 45

Had a job but not a career: ages 19, 22, 23, 32, 39, 42.

 

I didn't end any of these relationships because of any of those things above.

The above was inconsequential to me.

 

For the record I dated the 22, 23 and 32 yo while I was living with my parent and had no career.

I dated the 38, 42 & 45 yo while I had a career and a mortgage.

The 19 yo while I lived with room mates.

[CAlec]

I agree with this as a woman. I am actually doing it myself. I am in my early 30s and sharing an apartment with a roommate. I can double my savings rate for a goal of mine. I don't plan to do it forever.

 

So far it hasn't been an issue in dating other than guys being confused that I don't invite them inside after dates. I do feel bad about it myself because I would like to have my BF over, cook him a nice meal, etc. but I don't because it would be too awkward with my roommate here. My roommate also wouldn't like it.

 

I also met a guy friend about a year ago. He bought a house with his mom. We actually have the same end goal which is why we became friends. I wouldn't want to date him but it's not because he lives with his mother.

 

To be fair, I would inquire about your end goal and timeline and if I didn't see any progress on it I would consider bailing. I've met too many guys who insist they are "working on it" but they are all talk and no actions. As long as I saw actions it wouldn't bother me - especially if it were a short term thing.

 

Thanks for your post, gives me some perspective and I give you credit for what you are doing now to reach a long term goal.

 

I agree, I have friends who are "working on it" but I haven't seen action over years at this point.

 

One thing that makes my situation more difficult is its really tough to see progress until I graduate, which is a year and 1/2 away. So really, how can someone truly gauge that?

 

I had an interesting dating experience over the past week but ended just like I expected. The woman and I clicked initially 3 dates went well. Then a day after the 3rd date I get a text from her, "You are a nice guy and I am attracted to you but I am sorry I just can't date someone right now in as I am really looking to settle down at this point". Just hate when this stuff happens. It feels like an uphill battle at times and feels like I am being unfairly punished for trying to strive high career wise.

[acrosstheuniverse]

all 3 of them together = not a good catch. he's not 21, he's 30. that lifestyle isn't ok after a certain point. at the very least it's not appealing to lots of women in his closer age group. he admitted to not having a career, so add that in as well. one of these issues would be tolerable, but he's got too many. as i see it he'd need to lower his standards to attract someone b/c a women in his relative age group w/her s&*^ together wouldn't need or want him. sorry OP, just as i see it

 

I'm a 27 year old professional female with a decent career and I don't see any problem with this to be honest. Most people I know tend to live in shared living situations because it's so much cheaper than living alone (I'm in the UK), less lonely, more safe etc. On my salary I could live alone if I had to but it'd cost double what it used to cost me for an en suite double room in a beautiful shared house with five roommates, even when I lived there all of us were mid to late twenties, or early thirties, with decent jobs generally.

 

From what I've witnessed, people of my age unless they're extremely wealthy tend to live in shared houses, and if they meet a partner move in together in their own place. My boyfriend and I were both in shared housing until we moved in together, two of my old housemates got together and moved out alone, everyone's attitude was why spend double just to live alone, especially when you can just as easily date in a shared house as if you were living alone (it wasn't a super close house, we hung out maybe once per week, everyone came and went whenever they wanted, we all had partners stay over multiple nights per week if we met someone, it was very free).

 

If I met a single guy who'd just got started in a career and just finished his studies and lived with a roommate it wouldn't cause me to bat an eyelid.

 

The only one issue I will say though, however, is I'd be cautious in the future of dating men who lived with their best friend, as I've noticed often in those situations the dudes will get girlfriends but out of a sense of loyalty to their best mate won't want to move out and start a life with a new partner for months, sometimes years. I liked my situation where we all moved in and out at random, moved in with strangers and grew to like them as friends. But I'd never move in with a friend. You have an obligation to them then, whereas in my and my boyfriend's past housing situations we were free to move out whenever and the letting agency simply filled the room with someone else.

 

Nothing wrong with making it clear if you do date OP that although you like living with a roommate you're looking forward to the day when you will move out into your own place or eventually in with a partner, so that she doesn't think you're committed to the best friends forever type of flatshare.

 

For a lot of people, especially in our UK economy where the minimum wage isn't enough to support yourself in your own accommodation without a tonne of overtime (which isn't usually available depending on the job) it's a choice between live at home with parents or move out with friends. I wouldn't date a guy who lived home with family for many reasons but I don't think I've ever actually had a boyfriend who has independently lived in his own place! First serious boyfriend lived with parents and then moved in with a friend (we were teenagers when we got together), second did live in a house alone but rent free because his parents owned it and were out of the country so he essentially lived alone and did them a favour in taking care of the house, the third lived with his best friend and the current boyfriend lived in a huge house share similar to mine and by coincidence a month after we met moved in with a bunch of mates.

[acrosstheuniverse]

One thing that makes my situation more difficult is its really tough to see progress until I graduate, which is a year and 1/2 away. So really, how can someone truly gauge that?

 

Hang in there OP. I did my two year professional MA when I was 24-26 so other than being able to tell people I was studying to become the profession I now am, all I really had to offer was that I was a pizza delivery driver on less than minimum wage struggling massively financially living in a shared house. I did okay dating as I think people could tell I was working on something upcoming, but I guess mid twenties you get a bit more leeway than once you hit thirties.

 

I don't know your thoughts, but how do you feel about the idea of just focusing on your studies for now, going out to date for fun if possible or just sacking off the whole idea until you're a few months into your new career? You're unlikely to attract someone who wants to settle down asap though but I can see you attracting women a few years younger who are in a similar situation to you. It's tough because I'm sure you yourself would like someone career minded and professionally driven as you'll be in a couple years, but simultaneously those women are probably looking for people who are already into their career rather than waiting a couple years before you're even on the career ladder.

 

Rest assured that once you're qualified in whatever it is you're doing, I don't think you'll have this issue. And being a dude, your biological clock ain't going anywhere.

 

I just read more of your other posts and saw you're doing a Doctorate in Pharmacy, that's awesome! It's not like you're doing a Doctorate in Philosophy or something that is difficult to see a lucrative career at the end of. I don't really get your issue because if I was online dating, a dude doing a Doctorate in Pharmacy would rank up there with people who already had fully fledged professional careers. Do you think it's just that you're living hand to mouth right now?

[Protec]

I am really worried that i will never find anyone again.

 

I found my ex by a miracle and i really loved her. I've been back in dating game now for 2 months. I am in 3 different online dating sites and in tinder. NOTHING. Can't even get for a cup of coffee.

 

And one of the OLD sites is international (OKCupid) and still nothing.

I think i have a good profile, not too long, not too short and it tells the important things about me.

 

Am i doomed to be alone? Last time it took me 2 years to find a GF after breakup.