ZA Dater Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Yesterday was an important day for me. It was the day I realised in order to search one needs to transition into the very best person one can be and that to do so one needs to change, change ideas, change old habits but more than that one needs to believe and MOST IMPORTANT, for me at least is one must think less, analyse less and simply do more. All I needed was a good friend to sit me down and be honest with me, tell me why the person I like isn't interested in me and really its small things, all of them I can improve on but most of all he believes I can improve and I can be a better person. Yes I dabbled with this for many months, beat myself up, felt useless but actually I am not, I CAN change this and I CAN WOO her if I present myself in a package people in general find attractive. I know this because her best friend told me so, the same friend who is going to help me improve and give me pointers. There have been a lot of give up threads here, don't give up, improve yourself, moaning is the easiest thing to do, improvement is harder but I am determined to succeed at this. I had lulled myself in believed I could never charm this person, beat myself up because everything I tried didn't work but I NEVER tried anything different, NEVER asked for help and yesterday I did and probably received the best, most motivational talk I have ever received. My point is when you search, pretend you are dating yourself, look at yourself and decide if you would want to date you. Don't be scared to ask for help, don't do what I did and be so closed minded and stubborn and refuse change. Mostly NEVER do what I did and try break everything down into logic, liking someone isn't ever logical and it cant be defined as such. My list of goals : gym to build some muscle : wear jeans : new hairstyle : change the way I interact : believe in myself and carry that confidence into situations as apposed to over thinking each situation and thinking hard about each thing I say. I know I can get this right because I am determined to do so, the improvement in my life will be reward alone, as will feeling a lot better about myself. Bottom line, when you search look at yourself first, understand your good and bad points, open your mind to what others say and don't be afraid to ask for help. We all look for attraction but how often do we ask ourselves how attractive WE are to others? That's the biggest mistake I have made in life, not to look at myself from the perspective of others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 My list of goals : gym to build some muscle : wear jeans : new hairstyle : change the way I interact : believe in myself and carry that confidence into situations as apposed to over thinking each situation and thinking hard about each thing I say. I think this is excellent news. A new beginning. I am very happy for you. B-b-but are you sure you can wear the jeans... Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 I think this is excellent news. A new beginning. I am very happy for you. B-b-but are you sure you can wear the jeans... For this person I will do whatever is needed. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm totally on board with your self-improvement plan; the only concern I have regards your motivation. For a self-improvement plan to have a real impact in your life, I think it ultimately has to be for you and not another person. But that may be quibbling, any self-improvement is better than no self-improvement. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 My point is when you search, pretend you are dating yourself, look at yourself and decide if you would want to date you. Don't be scared to ask for help, don't do what I did and be so closed minded and stubborn and refuse change. ZA - I actually take my hat off to you as I know how hard you have tried. The bolded is so very very true. My "lightbulb" moment was when I was talking to a friend. He said he wanted to date someone like me. It struck me at the time that although I would love to date someone like him there was no way I would ever want him to date someone with as much baggage as I had at the time. If I was expecting a man to get involved with me I better do something about that. Because the next one IS going to be worthy. Keep at it ZA. Just don't change who you are at the core of it all. A pair of jeans or snazzy hair cut is fine and its good to spice things up but don't change the kind person under that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I'm totally on board with your self-improvement plan; the only concern I have regards your motivation. For a self-improvement plan to have a real impact in your life, I think it ultimately has to be for you and not another person. But that may be quibbling, any self-improvement is better than no self-improvement. While it is inspiring to feel motivated to improve oneself due to interaction with a particular person one may like or love, yeah, the long-range stuff works on the self, loving self, believing in self and walking the path of self, hopefully running into and enjoying some inspiring people along the way. For some of us, inspirations come in spurts here and there. For others, life-long inspirations occur. IMO, part of the path is being true to oneself, regardless of the paths of others. OP, here's a barometer I use, relevant to that list you published, or any list I might publish: If, after checking off every item on the list and living my life, I'm alone, meaning not in a romantic relationship, am I happy with my path in life? Lastly, pondering these issues is perfectly normal, especially if one is alone and has had difficulties in romance. Heh, got all the medals for that. At the other end, it was the work on self, for self, which paid the dividends, through being alone, through dating, through relationships, through marriage. In the end, we have ourselves. We make our peace with that, or not, when the grim reaper comes. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 How come you didn't wear jeans before?? Hair is important. It changes your whole face. Link to post Share on other sites
bcnguy Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 I am happy to hear that. That's the attitude, and remember it's Ok if yhere are ups and downs just don't stop/go back. How's that saying in English?... I think it goes sth like 'slowly but surely'. Best of Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 How come you didn't wear jeans before?? Hair is important. It changes your whole face. I have never been a fan of jean, I don't generally like tight clothes but as a friend said to me females like guys in tight clothes. Exactly that, apparently a new hair style will do wonders. The motivation here is quite simple, to pick myself up and try with confidence as apposed to trying with a sense of failure before I started and if I am honest I suspect the reason things haven't worked with her is because my approach, my way of thinking, have been wrong. Someone said that confidence is important and how you carry yourself reflects that. I realised that to be true. Bottom line is I am determined to succeed, self pity and self loathing never got anyone anywhere, certainly it never got anyone someone who wows them. What also makes a massive difference is the belief others have in me and their willingness to help me. Over thinking is a massive enemy, thinking one can be better but one must actually be better rather than thinking it. Its like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I BELEIVE I can do it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 tight black t shirt to go with the tight jeans. What about shoes...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 tight black t shirt to go with the tight jeans. What about shoes...? I am quite open to idea regarding shoes, the great thing about this is my mind is to a large extent free of the " well I wont succeed anyway", its more a case of "yes you can succeed at this, believe in yourself" Gym has started, quite a new experience for me, I have a personal trainer, working on upper body strength and getting an altogether more toned physique, I can be described as skinny. My comment for people looking, look how attractive you are, look at what you can change, I used to think I couldn't change anything but that isn't true, we as people can change an incredible amount about ourselves without changing who we are. The biggest thing I think is confidence, I am now telling myself "confidence, you can do this, be yourself, think less". Maybe the reason many of us have battled as much as we have is because the confidence isn't there, I used to think I was confident around this person but thinking now I wasn't and anyone would have seen that. I like the idea of a tight black T shirt. Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted September 4, 2015 Share Posted September 4, 2015 (edited) First off, I want to say how glad I am to read these two recent threads of yours ZA. Many people have been posting the same threads over and over whining and complaining on this site for YEARS. You are taking responsibility and taking action right now. A new look and physique on top of the improved confidence and coaching from your friend certainly will help. Because you now have a good attitude, I really think you will start seeing some results pretty quickly, if you put yourself out there. Edited September 4, 2015 by Imajerk17 Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Improving yourself is never bad but be doing it for you and only you... Not simply to try and woo someone who has rejected you. If they didn't like you as you are now, they don't deserve the better you either. Give the better you to someone less shallow and who doesn't have a failed track record. Imagine you do this improvement just for this person and you're turned down again? Will you shelve it all? Do it only for you Women do like built torsos and tight clothes but I can tell you personally a lot more is required than that to keep a woman. Is this male friend of yours successful with women? If so hang around him and learn the unobvious and subconscious things that are important to women. Find more guys like that to befriend as well. That's more important IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 Improving yourself is never bad but be doing it for you and only you... Not simply to try and woo someone who has rejected you. If they didn't like you as you are now, they don't deserve the better you either. Give the better you to someone less shallow and who doesn't have a failed track record. Imagine you do this improvement just for this person and you're turned down again? Will you shelve it all? Do it only for you Women do like built torsos and tight clothes but I can tell you personally a lot more is required than that to keep a woman. Is this male friend of yours successful with women? If so hang around him and learn the unobvious and subconscious things that are important to women. Find more guys like that to befriend as well. That's more important IMO. I am doing it for me but also I realised the me I was putting out there was one which pretty much nobody would have find attractive. In a sense I am wiping the slate clean and starting afresh. As for K, the thing that was good here is she did actually provide feedback to a mutual friend as to WHY she wouldn't go out with me, critique I badly needed and welcome in its totality. For me its about improving what I put out there and if I can woo K with the new me, which I am confident I can then its just an added bonus. Perhaps the biggest thing I realised is I need to change the way I think, look at what is good about me build on that and improve the areas where I am not so good but MOSTYL its CONFIDENCE. People said it often and I tended to look past it but its so so important, perhaps the reason why many people fail is not because they are bad people but because like me they lacked confidence and did too much thinking, to the point of over thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 Its like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I BELEIVE I can do it. I believe you can too! If you have a nice butt its time to flaunt it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 5, 2015 Author Share Posted September 5, 2015 I believe you can too! If you have a nice butt its time to flaunt it! My behind can best be described as small. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 5, 2015 Share Posted September 5, 2015 My behind can best be described as small. ...but beautifully formed. Remember, no more putting your self down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ZA Dater Posted September 7, 2015 Author Share Posted September 7, 2015 Had a really productive weekend in terms of working out and working my mind into a more positive place. A change of outlook really does make a huge difference. Link to post Share on other sites
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