OLD is my ONLY option...

[SupportiveGuy]

Hi, I'm sick, well, I'm subsisting on disability right now.

I found out a few years ago that I have a legitimate need that becomes a very real disorder and disability if not addressed right away.

 

I mean nothing romantic when I say this, but there is compelling evidence done in joint medical and psychology studies that some people truly need love to be happy and healthy. It's a brain chemistry thing.

 

The symptoms are similar to depression, but a little different. Often, people with this condition develop anxiety, very low energy, varying levels of fatigue and weakness, as well as social and emotional disturbances, often accompanied by an autoimmune/inflammatory disorder involving the digestive system and joints.

 

I didn't feel loved as a child, otherwise I may have had a chance. Instead, I was beaten and neglected a lot. For a time, I thought I had Asperger's Syndrome, but actually my dad does. I developed severe social anxiety and agoraphobia for a while. I finally worked the mental health system, without a single lie, to get me a low rent apartment with a nice roommate, and now my mind is finally able to heal. This all took me about fifteen years!

 

Now that I'm finally starting to feel comfortable, it's only natural that I begin working on my most affecting health problem, my need for a meaningful and satisfying permanent loving relationship. The only hitch is that I won't have the energy to work or even drive without a lot more love in my life. My condition seems too advanced. I can't think about my AI programming or robotics or game design projects anymore, I just can't concentrate. I'm obsessed with finding someone, because it's the only thing that has helped with my symptoms.

 

I've noticed that my chances on OKCupid in my area are pretty bleak. I got three dates when I said I was a student, but then I stopped getting any response at all. I'm not a liar. I don't have energy to play the field. I need an alternative solution that requires minimal effort and has good quality (emotional/physical health) singles. Just surviving is enough effort, but I am capable of so much more.

 

Any ideas?

[d0nnivain]

The chemical you seem to be searching for can be manufactured by doing things that make you happy including having fun & engaging in hobbies. Join a group to do something you enjoy. You will probably meet someone there who shares your passion. Also consider getting a pet for unconditional love.

[preraph]

^^ Yes, if you can afford to live somewhere with a back yard or you are free to walk a dog several times a day, get a little dog. There are recent studies that oxitocin comes not just from people but from pets as well. And their love is always there without fail.

 

You might even consider volunteering in animal rescue and fostering and meet people that way as well.

[SupportiveGuy]

Hmm... Those are very good suggestions, but unfortunately, I have looked into all of them, and nothing is enjoyable or appealing when I don't feel loved. I only maintain platonic friendships because I know I will be able to enjoy them again once I get a girlfriend.

 

I met a mother figure and gained some energy and enjoyment in life, but she was paid by the government to interact with me. When we separated, I quickly lost the energy benefits.

 

There's something unique about the effect of a mother's or a girlfriend's love.

[d0nnivain]

Hmm... Those are very good suggestions, but unfortunately, I have looked into all of them, and nothing is enjoyable or appealing when I don't feel loved. I only maintain platonic friendships because I know I will be able to enjoy them again once I get a girlfriend.

 

True but you can't feel loved from outside sources until you learn to love yourself.

[Dybbuk]

@SupportiveGuy: I feel for your situation, but the truth is you are putting an ungodly amount of pressure on any future woman in your situation. You're basically placing all the responsibility on another person to make you happy and able to live your life. That is very unreasonable and quite frankly not going to fly with anyone who is ready to be in a healthy relationship.

 

What you are searching for is only going to manifest itself into a very co-dependent unhealthy relationship.

 

Wanting to be loved is very much a human desire and understandably feels like a need for some. I understand that, but it is not the only source of happiness in life. The sooner you tackle that reality and decide to make changes to your life and take responsibility for your OWN happiness, the sooner you will be able to foster a loving and healthy relationship with someone else.

 

It is not going to be easy but this is something you're going to need to try and make an effort on finding a way to make yourself happy.

 

Hobbies, pets, volunteerism, discovering/fostering a personal passion. There has to be something besides "finding someone to love me."

[SupportiveGuy]

Actually, we all learn to love by receiving love first, as children. No one can love themselves first.

 

I'm not putting any pressure on anyone. I'm not saddling anyone with any responsibility. I'm just explaining that this is how I am. All I'm asking is that a girl accept me for who I am, and not be brainwashed by societal values of the ideal person.

 

I have to deal with almost zero healthy relationships as it is. That's why I'm this way. It's not a chronic condition or a result of a persistent chemical imbalance. Luckily, I'm out of the house and am able to heal from the abuse and neglect.

 

The need for love is NOT unhealthy, it's a product of natural biological variance. Also, codependence is only unhealthy in the stereotypical unhealthy abusive situations. If you don't need a partner, you shouldn't be with ANYONE.

 

Well, none of you really said it, but I can see that I am going to have to keep studying how to rephrase my situation until I can get people not to generally misunderstand what I'm trying to say.

I appreciate everyone's input, although it's been based on biased and incorrect assumptions, it is not without value and merit to me, so thanks for that. It's just a learning process with a steep learning curve for me. I hope my frustration didn't upset anyone too much...

[Dybbuk]

it's only natural that I begin working on my most affecting health problem, my need for a meaningful and satisfying permanent loving relationship. The only hitch is that I won't have the energy to work or even drive without a lot more love in my life. My condition seems too advanced.

 

Re-read your words again and tell me again that you wouldn't be expecting someone to love you so you could finally make yourself work/drive. That sir is co-dependence. It just doesn't manifest itself in abusive relationships. Codependent relationships are just as dysfunctional when one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

 

I feel for your past, and commend you for making strides in healing. However finding someone to love you and essentially 'heal' you from your condition is not going to turn out well for you. You can post the same thing over and over again and articulate it different each time, but you'd be hard pressed to find someone who says "Yes, finding someone to love you will solve all your problems."

 

Finding and receiving love from someone is an arduous process. Dating is a particularly cruel battlefield so unless you have some tough skin, and can see the silver linings on a lot of bad experiences, you might be doing more damage to an already fragile state of mind. Additionally, once you are in love with someone it's even more challenging to maintain that over a long period of time. You will have no control over that other person and their feelings. They may decide one day that it's too hard being with you for whatever reason and leave. What then? Spiral into a pit of despair? OR try to gain control of your mental health and well being while you are alone so that IF things don't work out, you know you can be happy and content by yourself and wait patiently until you meet someone else.

 

I'm sorry if this upsets you, and I get the feeling that what I'm saying is not something that will be well received but in the end you're going to do whatever you're going to do. I really do wish you the best of luck with your life.

[SupportiveGuy]

I've always been in the "pit of despair." I never had to spiral, I started there. It's only logical that a person stuck in a pit can not pull himself up.

 

My problem is that so many people pass by my pit without any intention of throwing in a rope or a ladder. It's perfectly reasonable for me to expect someone to do it. No, it's not a huge responsibility. No, I don't expect it, because I've never known how to compel anyone to do it.

 

Yes, I've been in love, I know that fluttery-heart feeling, the blind desire to make another person happy. I was just a kid, and I had severe social anxiety verging on agoraphobia because my dad taught me that people are demons, so I never did anything about it.

Yes, every time I realize that I'm in love, and every time I realize that I've missed my chance, I fall deeper into that pit of despair. My love is permanent, I will always be hopelessly in love with everyone I've ever fallen for, and every loss brings me closer to killing myself, and that's how it's always been.

 

I've been talking to therapists since I was a teenager. They all either let me convince them that I was right, or they told me they didn't know how to help me. I challenged one of them on it, and he admitted that he could do something, but he thought it would be illegal to interfere in my life.

[Toodaloo]

You know what if you go throwing this all on some girl she will run a mile.

 

Get a damned dog. Look after it and nurture it, care for it, walk it, train it. It will teach you more about care and compassion than anyone from On line dating ever will.

 

You need a hobby other than pinning for girls.

 

You also need to learn how to deal with loss and rejection LONG before you go on line dating because you will be rejected 100 times before someone says hello...

 

No reflection on you its just the way it is.

[Male]

 

You also need to learn how to deal with loss and rejection LONG before you go on line dating because you will be rejected 100 times before someone says hello...

 

Ha you definitely need some thick skin for online dating. You have to have a "no expectation" attitude or it can really damage some people.

[SupportiveGuy]

Doesn't seem likely.

 

I prefer cats. "Must Love Cats!"

Besides, I'd feel too guilty getting a dog and not being able to take care of it.

 

Seriously people, try to deal with your relationship insecurities.

 

@Toodaloo: Already covered that. Doesn't work.

 

Hmmm... I have all of this money left over from my disability pay... Maybe I should get a wheelchair, even though I can walk, just can't walk toward large crowds of people. Like Dr. Wells from The Flash, hahaha.

 

Life has trolled me so hard. Even though the advice is terrible, it's making me feel better somehow. I don't get to talk to people in real life unless they're paid to talk to me, so it's nice.

[Dybbuk]

@SupportiveGuy: Do you really believe all this self loathing will help you find a partner? What advice are you looking for? Do you want me to say... sure keep sending emails on OLD and you'll find someone who will eventually think "Wow... this guy has had suicidal thoughts and no motivation to do anything in life until I completely invest my heart and feelings towards him. Sure, let me take that risk!"

 

I guarantee you that no one wants to get involved with someone who contemplates killing themselves after they leave. No one wants to be burdened with 'fixing' another human being.

 

Social anxiety, disability, and chronic depression are all very serious issues and I deeply sympathize with your upbringing. No child should ever have to experience that type of neglect and abuse. However, the solution you are hoping for is unrealistic and can be even more destructive to your recovery. There are other ways, but if you continue to convince yourself that this advice is 'terrible' and that you've tried EVERYTHING and nothing can help you... well then you cannot be helped. All people, even professional therapists have to give up on those who refuse to help themselves.

[somegoodman]

There's no sense in railing against cold, unfeeling reality. Nobody is coming to save you. You may never meet someone who loves you. You could spend the rest of your life utterly alone. It's all random; chaos at feast. The only options you have are to march along to the beat or end your life.

[Auspecial]

I don't think its a terrible idea to reach out for a companion. In your current situation, it may not work exactly as you like, but it still might give you some encouragement and something to look forward to.

 

Sounds like a gruesome childhood existence that you went through. It seems that you thinking you had Asp maybe another condition that was caused by the traumatic abuse, such as Chronic PTSD, or some variation of Personality Disorder. These things don't make anyone un-lovable, just different. Maybe looking at that would help. Although you may have already been doing just that.

[SupportiveGuy]

@Auspecial: That's for sure.

 

 

Although, yes, I still think Dybbuk's ideas are totally biased, I am also somewhat convinced that they are the popular views, at least of online daters. It's sad to think that people in this era would be so afraid to love and be loved. I'm only afraid of STD's.

 

Well, anyways, I found someone to work with me on trying to get a job. The last time I tried it, I wasn't able to get a job, but I did find someone who got sick and suicidal and met his wife along the way. I'm confident that I've armed myself with enough psych knowledge to avoid most unhealthy outcomes, but the warnings are well taken.

 

@somegoodman: Try to be careful about your negativity. Maybe you're just being cynical, idk. Studies have shown that very negative hopeless thinking contributes to brain degeneration! Try to stay hopeful, as that hopelessness is a soul sucking aura that surrounds you and pushes everyone away.

 

Although I can't magically give myself more energy and do all the fun things that popular dating psychology demands, I never completely lose hope, and I never give up.

 

It's my opinion that a real woman is confident in her ability to love others.

[PinkElephants]

If you think the advice here is terrible, what are you looking for? Your life hasn't been one that anyone would wish for a child and I think your optimism towards dating is fantastic but you also seem entrenched in victim mentality.

 

You say that you have severe issues but want someone to love you the way you are. That statement is one that essentially states that you have no intent to change and the onus is on everyone else to love you. Saying that you don't want someone brainwashed by societal values is making further demands. Anyone who wants a healthy mate is brainwashed and wanting socially valued traits is sneer worthy. You say people are sad for having standards instead of freely showering out love. Unfortunately, it's not reasonable to expect someone to save you and, yes, it is a massive responsibility.

 

People are not afraid to love and be loved. One of my favorite lines from "Moulin Rouge" is "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return" We all seek it and you're completely justified in wanting love to but in order to maintain a healthy relationship you have to not only receive but also give. We know you want to receive large quantities of love but can you offer support, encouragement, passion, inspiration, etc in return?

 

Do you have insurance? Is there any kind of sex therapy involving touch and encouragement that you could do? Maybe a life coach who can be active with you outside of an office would help. OLD doesn't have to be your only option and it's probably not the best one. Many men here complain about what a blow to their self esteem OLD is and it could be hard even with limitless optimism.

 

Finally, yes, a real woman is confident in her ability to love others. A real woman is also confident in her ability to walk away if her needs aren't met. A real woman wants a real man with a job. A real woman wants a real man with his $hit together. A real woman wants a real man who will be her rock and her cheerleader. So would a real woman want you or, when you meet her, will you bitterly write her off as brainwashed for wanting something other than you?

[SupportiveGuy]

Hehehe, oooh the brainwashing, yes, your extremely negative slant on life is sneer worthy.

 

The first lie of society is that nothing is free.

The second lie of society is that nobody will help.

The third lie of society is that no one wants to help those in need.

The fourth lie of society is that those in need have nothing to give.

 

All I see in your arguments is fear and selfishness. It's deluded to think that no one will care for the disabled, that no one will heal the sick, that no one will help the helpless. -- No one can love alone. No one can give without first receiving. Of course I don't want someone so brainwashed by society to value job, possessions, and money over people. How could anyone be so blind as to think that a relationship with such a person could ever last?

 

My genetics are the best. My childhood is not my fault, and it's beyond my abilities to cure myself alone. No statistics sheet will tell you the worth of a potential partner.

 

In an evolutionist society, those who get sick deserve to die. Evolutionist society is similar to our current society in that it is insane. Popular people don't know best, but we let them write our rules on how to live. Having fun is no way to learn life's lessons, serious reflection and study of the past is that way. Life will always teach you, but if you don't try to learn, it will be extra painful.

 

Someone with no legs can't run a marathon. They aren't going to magically have the money to buy legs so they can run. Someone gives them the legs. This isn't victim mentality, it's just realism. You can't convince a blind man to see, he's not a victim, but if he tells you he's blind, it sounds like YOU would try to argue with him about it.

[PinkElephants]

I honestly don't know what the point of your post was. What are you looking for here? You're very argumentative, you don't want to listen to anyone's opinions and you keep reaffirming that you're helpless. What on earth do you want?

 

I really feel sorry for you because, not only are you clearly suffering and expecting someone else to save you, you're quite unlikable which will make things that much harder for you. You come in spouting self-pity and expectations of society while attempting to correct the views of people who actually live in society.

 

The only people I've ever heard say people are brainwashed if they value jobs, success, and money over love are those who are jobless, broke and unsuccessful. It's your way of attempting to neutralize the desire for security because you can't provide it. Both of the people who said it before were broken too. One came from a family that had had 7 step-parents and the other had been abandoned at birth. Both grew up to be bitter, lonely, unsuccessful and unloved. Both had insatiable appetites for love. Both drove people away with their possessive, irrational behavior. Both made insane arguments in order to justify demanding that someone adore them. At one point or another, I cared for both but simply couldn't save them. Yeah, yeah, I just didn't love them enough or some other garbage.

 

So, what you see in my posts is reality from the non-needy side. In fact, I'm in a very healthy, fulfilling relationship with a man I love, respect and cherish. We've moved for each other, supported each other and compromise. I love doing things that make him happy because I know he appreciates it and he'd do it for me. That's what love is supposed to be. It's not a dysfunctional person being dependent on a functional one. I've been there. Doesn't work.

 

Also, for the record, having fun is a fantastic way to learn life's lessons. Seriously reflecting on wikipedia articles is no substitute for travel, exploration and making mistakes. One of my greatest lessons came from moving overseas alone and it was one of the most fun experiences of my life.

 

Anyway, you've clearly got it all figured out. That's probably why you're so determined not to learn. You reject every bit of input from people with experience. You have zero desire to help yourself and no woman can save you. Your reality is that you were once a victim but victim mentality is you not trying to help yourself. Helping yourself could have come in the form of hearing from women that dated men like you but you won't listen which is why you're the one in for the painful road. I really wish you the best of luck because you're going to need it. If your future plays out the same way the other guys' did then you're in for a rough, unfulfilled road.

 

You're actually driving distance from me. There's no reason you couldn't have been introduced to my techie friends or high school girlfriends. I have a super weird cousin that I used to take out all the time because he didn't have any friends. Don't risk alienating other people who can hand you what you're looking for.

[SupportiveGuy]

I consider this to be a serious subject, worth serious discussion, that's all. It has bearing on my past, present, and future, and until it's resolved, I won't be able to move on. If I die in the process, I'll come back and haunt you all.

 

You're mistaken, I am paying close attention to you and getting as much out of our conversation as I can. I couldn't handle someone telling me there's no hope, as not only is that not helpful, that sort of thing from therapists has caused countless suicides. Therapists don't have the luxury of giving up like that. It's murder. It's extremely offensive, and people who do it don't deserve to be treated respectfully or politely.

 

Maybe it's because of my INTJ personality type, but, I'm looking for practical solutions to the problem. Like I said before, I've tried so many things. All I can do now is ask people to give me more ideas on what to try next. All I'm really fit to do anymore is ask people to visit me and see if they can help me get out more.

 

I study things as scientifically as I can. I've eliminated the possibility of more serious health conditions over the years. I've had the opportunity to test the effects of love, repeatedly, and I've determined that I only need extremely small doses of it to improve the quality of my life dramatically, but it has to be from the right people.

 

Just the effect of the feeling of mutual interest boosts my energy level enough to allow me to go out three times per week instead of barely going out once and being exhausted for days.

 

My original purpose in writing here was to ask for help in rephrasing my story (online dating summary) in order to make readers feel less pressured with responsibility. I'm not going to lie about my situation, but, like I said before, I don't expect anything, I'm not a leach, I've had plenty of opportunities to guilt people into staying with me and babying me, but I would never do that.

 

All I want to do is attract people into my life, because I simply don't have the initial energy levels to get out there myself. Maybe I'll call a crisis helpline and see what they say about it. I just don't feel like I'm in a crisis, but the evidence seems to say that I am.

[Hawaii51]

You should go live on a hippy commune, all the love you can get!! I'm 101% serious. They'll see through your quarks, just don't talk about vampiring energy from mother figures.

 

Google: Cinderland Hawaii

[Auspecial]

I consider this to be a serious subject, worth serious discussion, that's all. It has bearing on my past, present, and future, and until it's resolved, I won't be able to move on. If I die in the process, I'll come back and haunt you all.

 

You're mistaken, I am paying close attention to you and getting as much out of our conversation as I can. I couldn't handle someone telling me there's no hope, as not only is that not helpful, that sort of thing from therapists has caused countless suicides. Therapists don't have the luxury of giving up like that. It's murder. It's extremely offensive, and people who do it don't deserve to be treated respectfully or politely.

 

Maybe it's because of my INTJ personality type, but, I'm looking for practical solutions to the problem. Like I said before, I've tried so many things. All I can do now is ask people to give me more ideas on what to try next. All I'm really fit to do anymore is ask people to visit me and see if they can help me get out more.

 

I study things as scientifically as I can. I've eliminated the possibility of more serious health conditions over the years. I've had the opportunity to test the effects of love, repeatedly, and I've determined that I only need extremely small doses of it to improve the quality of my life dramatically, but it has to be from the right people.

 

Just the effect of the feeling of mutual interest boosts my energy level enough to allow me to go out three times per week instead of barely going out once and being exhausted for days.

 

My original purpose in writing here was to ask for help in rephrasing my story (online dating summary) in order to make readers feel less pressured with responsibility. I'm not going to lie about my situation, but, like I said before, I don't expect anything, I'm not a leach, I've had plenty of opportunities to guilt people into staying with me and babying me, but I would never do that.

 

All I want to do is attract people into my life, because I simply don't have the initial energy levels to get out there myself. Maybe I'll call a crisis helpline and see what they say about it. I just don't feel like I'm in a crisis, but the evidence seems to say that I am.

 

 

Well I can't really argue much about the therapists. Every therapist I have ever (long ago!) been to has ended up telling me their problems. But I wouldn't completely rule them all out.

 

Here is an idea: I read on a different thread a poster who swears by a treatment called EMDR. Try googling that and see what you think. I think I have grown out of my PTSD, but I might try it anyway, myself, just as a proactive measure.

 

We all need love and I do not believe that people have to "only" be at their pinnacle to deserve and get a loving relationship of some type.

 

In my opinion, you should avoid mainstream dating sites. Because they are a disaster for even people who aren't having any problems in their lives. I think you should stay on here, and also join some other forums that are more specific to what you are experiencing.

 

~~~~~~~~~~LIVE ! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[TexasMan68]

Pound a ****ing Redbull when you wake up and get out of the house! If you want love in your life then go show someone love. Take some of that extra cash and go buy a homeless person a meal or a coat for the cold nights. That is showing love. Giving love is the easiest way to receive it.

[PinkElephants]

I'm an INTP; we're quite similar which is possibly why we're butting heads. My personality type is also likely why I'm trying to impress upon you what I know to be true based on what I've observed and experienced.

 

I'll never walk in your shoes or know exactly how you feel. You'll never walk in mine. People have been abused, raped, cheated on; we all have our scars. The one thing we have in common is the responsibility to get happy and heal ourselves before we inflict pain on others. Happiness is our personal choice and responsibility and we can't depend on others for it.

 

What I've been, perhaps forcefully, trying to impress upon you is that what you want isn't currently attainable. You want an emotionally healthy, successful woman without being an emotionally healthy, successful man. You have to be what you want to attract. That a healthy woman doesn't want an unhealthy man doesn't mean she's brainwashed or doesn't like people; it means she has standards and very normal desires. After all, you want exactly what she wants but you're unable to deliver while she can. I'm sure you see the unfairness in that.

 

As far as your dating profile, there's simply no way to phrase "unemployed, emotionally damaged man seeking successful, well adjusted woman to shower me with love." You say you don't want to lie so create a better truth.

 

If you want to attract people then you need to be attractive. The idea of showing love to a homeless person is fantastic. You'll feel good and it's an admirable quality that women will appreciate. Volunteer with animals; the test of a man's worth is how he treats those who can do nothing for him. Volunteer with the homeless or elderly. Give help to them in the same manner you wish to receive. Take a cooking class. You'll meet women and all ladies love a man who can cook. Take a dance class; men who can dance are sex on wheels plus you'll get physical interaction.

 

INTJs can be arrogant and judgmental. Maybe you could try spending your energy on trying our suggestions instead of refuting everything. There is hope. Every single post in this thread has served to give you hope. You have time and money which means you have possibilities. Make the most of it!

[SupportiveGuy]

@ Hawaii51

Sorry, not looking for that kind of love...

 

@ Auspecial

Wow, you really seem to understand what I'm going through. Thanks for posting.

I have looked in to EMDR, but I'm trying to be patient with my current therapist, as he is new and knows next to nothing (free). I don't know how they get out of school without knowing basic logical redirection techniques, but I always wait until they give up on me before giving up on them.

 

@ TexasMan68

HA! Finally some practical advice that seems doable, and hilarious at the same time. I have a very sensitive system, so I think I'll wait on the RedBull...

Besides, love is way more effective for me than RedBull.

 

@ PinkElephants

I appreciate what you're trying to do, and the effort you've been putting in. Your assumptions are frustrating to read, but I have plenty of patience. I'd be perfectly happy to find someone who is in a similar place in life as I am. I don't need any sort of material support, and I'm perfectly happy to give more than I get.

 

It's all of these incorrect assumptions that I want to eliminate... Do you think that it's simply impossible then? Should I just be content with the status quo of socioeconomic gender bias, women trading up, men trading down, etc...