Don't know how to find someone

[dustnbones]

I'm 24 and still single/a virgin. For a long time I told myself not to care about it and one day it'll happen but it's getting to a point where it really bothers me now. Both cause I could die the next day without ever having experienced love or sex but also cause I ask myself what is wrong with me and why doesn't anyone want me.

 

I will say in my defense that the odds could've been better. For various reasons I've spent a lot of time on my own and not out there getting to know people. I do have social anxiety which is very impairing when it comes to dating and relationships. Also I'm not the best looking guy... But still I tried really hard. I've tried to meet people in real life and I tried online dating countless times and it never leads anywhere. I even tried on many ocassions to befriend girls in social anxiety support groups, thinking we would at least have something in common and understand each others difficulties. Unfortunately most of them are already taken and already found someone they are holding on to.

 

I've also been very open about many things when looking for possible dates. Age (I wouldn't mind dating between say 18-40), appearance, location and whatnot. But they never seem to want more than to talk and I'm always left feeling like I wasn't good enough or interesting enough. Reject reject reject.

 

At the risk of sounding like I have this huge ego (which I really don't), I don't understand why I wouldn't be a catch to someone. I've seen all of my old classmates and friends in relationships. Even if some of them are stereotypically speaking less attractive than me or fat or terribly self-occupied or simply bland boring people with few (if any) hobbies and very little opinions and things to say, they end up finding a partner. While I don't. Even though people with a non-romantical interest in me often sees me as a funny and nice guy that cares a lot about the people around him and that has many interesting hobbies and that is open for trying out new things.

 

There is one woman who has had strong romantical feelings for me for quite some time now but she has been in a relationship all along and we both know nothing is likely to happen between us. Also unfortunately I don't feel as strongly for her as she does for me.

 

I really feel like giving up by now cause for one thing I'm sick of introducing myself to new people, done it so many times I feel like a robot by now rather than a human just repeating the same things over and over.

[d0nnivain]

First thing you have to control your social anxiety. Join something like ToastMaters. If you have the money take the Dale Carnegie class on How to Win Friends & Influence People. At the very least, go to the library & read the book of the same title.

 

 

Then smile at people & say hello. Join a co-ed sports team. Go to a MeetUp group. Get involved in a group that does your hobby. Take or teach a non-academic class. Do OLD. Go SpeedDating. Tell friends & family you are open to being fixed up. Look around in your normal routine -- who do you see at lunch or when you get your morning coffee?

[dustnbones]

My SA responds very poorly to therapy or exposure therapy of the Toastmasters type. But I'm on medication that allows me to perform more or less normally though I probably don't appear as very confident in social situations. Thanks for the other advices though will consider them.

[preraph]

I like that despite your social anxiety, you are making yourself push that envelope. Because one of the best cures for social anxiety is actually just behavior modification, and that means the more you make yourself do something, the more comfortable it will become.

 

Please realize that 24 is not old. Yes, I get that most guys get laid in college and all that, but I will say that they are not really mature enough for anything much else until they're nearing 30. I believe men are in their prime around 28-32, personally.

 

Do all the social things that will put you in repeated contact with the same women: volunteering a couple hours a week, taking a fun class like cooking or dancing, taking a little weekend job in retail or a restaurant where women work and are customers. This type position should make it easier to have a reason to talk to them. If you are a church-goer, take part in their extra activities. If you are in school, take part in clubs and activities and volunteer. If you work, volunteer if they organize an event or picnic or that sort of thing so you're front and center. Go to local meetups, particularly if there's one geared to something you're passionate about, whether it be sports or reading or the paranormal or bird watching.

 

Just keep trying. You are not invisible. If you keep practicing, you will become your best self, and people will recognize that.

[dustnbones]

Thank you for the advices and the encouraging words. Yeah I thought about trying to go to some local meetup for one of my interests or something. The problem is I think first of all that in my country we don't really have the same culture with that as in some other places, I mean in the big cities there are social groups and meet-ups but there's not a whole lot of them. In smaller towns such as where I'm located, it can be pretty much dead overall. Not even for music/instrument playing which I like are there really any gatherings here I'm aware of.

 

But you are right. I suppose I need to try even harder and on many fronts. The age thing you mention is something I have noticed. It's pretty much impossible to get any interest from older women for me. It seems as if all of them just assumes that men my age are immature and childish. Which I don't think is fair to say about me and so it's a shame as I always enjoyed socializing with people older than myself. Last year I asked a girl out that is 1 years older than me. She basically started asking a lot of questions like what am I looking for really and saying that I'm so young (duh 1 year younger than her) and well I got the impression she thought I couldn't be up for something serious and needless to say she turned me down. The only older woman that showed any interest is actually the one I mentioned in the OP and she is a lot older than me (10+ years). But I guess she's the exception, maybe I oughta stick to only trying to date younger women.

Edited February 1, 2015 by dustnbones

[preraph]

One thing I would advise against is putting an age range over 10 years either way from your age on your OLD profile because this will put some people off. But that doesn't mean you can't meet someone you like older and get along and see what happens.

 

I know what you mean by it being a dead little town. I grew up in one of those. But usually, there is a pocket of people who are interesting in any town and it's a matter of finding them. And it may be a small group! Remember, though, you can be in control of this meetup thing. You can create a meetup yourself and put whatever age range or interests on there you want. I think it would be interesting, because you would be in charge of deciding where to meet up, what to do, and it would kind of force you to talk to every member. If you make it a fun time, they will invite friends. You should seriously think about trying that. You know, the fact you're into music is a HUGE advantage to you. Because you can play anything anywhere and people will come talk to you. It gives them an excuse and something to say to talk to you. You should develop that. In your meetup you could list it as one of your interests, finding people to play with, but don't make the whole thing about that because it might limit the amount of women. You could make the group and post your musical interest and then see if more people join who also like to play and then plan a night to do that.

 

It's important to realize that you can be in control of this. You don't have to wait for someone to include you. Good luck!