How do I stop being so awkward around guys who are interested in me?

[La Trese]

So I have this problem.......I can be myself around my friends...and around them I have a great personality and guys will see that and ask me out or we will get along great in a group setting. Then when they show interest....I never know what to do and I start being awkward and they lose interest. How do I overcome this? Either my problem is I take way too long to warm up to people or I don't know how to flirt with guys I honestly don't know. It doesn't help that I have a resting bitch face so me being awkward/shy comes off as me being bitchy.

[StalwartMind]

I just ponder about the men you talk to, because having a "resting bitch face" or being shy/awkward, shouldn't be a deal breaker to a man with a tiny bit of patience and decency. It seems super shallow to judge someone by how their neutral face is, you could be the most bubbly and cheerful person once they get to know you.

 

Anyway, depending on the type of men you are interested in, you may just be attracting the wrong type of guys, who expect you to be just as vivid as you are when in a group setting. When they realize you "freeze" a bit when alone, they lose interest. This of course makes me wonder if its just an initial stage you are in, when private with someone or if you are actually going for the wrong type.

 

If it's a must to attract these type of men, then you should probably practice/spend time with someone/anyone outside a group setting. I don't see what's so terrifying about awkward moment, but I guess if you have this perception of life being flawless/perfect and it has to run like a typical Hollywood movie, then you probably set yourself up for disappointment before things have even started to unfold.

[DivorcedDad123]

I feel for ya. I know someone like you. You'd never know how outgoing and nice she is,because she always looks in a bad mood. Maybe try smiling more When you're talking to a guy, place your hand on his arm. Even in casual conversation. We guys don't mind when a woman touches us,even if we're not interested. It shows that they feel comfortable with us.

And, maybe it's not you so much as you just find the guys boring,so you clam up and can't think of anything to say.

Practice being more open to everyone you see,even if it's just at the grocery store. It'll make you and them feel better.

[salparadise]

The reason is that you're being self-conscious, i.e., preoccupied with how they perceive you, making a good impression, being who you think they want you to be. The underlying belief that causes this is, "who I am naturally is not acceptable." The solution may take some practice.

 

First, you need to cognitively dispel that belief as irrational and simply not true. You said yourself, right in your post: "around [friends] them I have a great personality and guys will see that and ask me out." So from this you create a short, true affirmation and let that be the core of your self-talk with the goal of integrating it... that is, replace the irrational, negative junk with the truth.

 

Second, control your focus. When you're with a guy and catch yourself being self-focused (worrying about the impression you're making), disallow it and shift focus to him, or to whatever you're doing or discussing with him. Spend ninety-five percent of the time being other-focused. Ask questions and get him to talk about himself and things that interest him, and be a good listener.

 

Being a good listener is so much easier and more comfortable than trying to act a certain way. Being yourself is so much easier that being someone you aren't, especially when you know that he asked you out because of who you are, not because of who you aren't. Nobody ever pulls that off anyway... they just get tagged as being kooky, unpredictable, incongruent.

 

It may take some extra courage to open right up, lower the shield and reveal who you are, but once you do it a few times you'll come to the realization that you are perfectly acceptable just as you are (whether he realizes it is irrelevant), even enchanting, and what you need to be concentrating on is figuring out who he is.

[d0nnivain]

How old are you? I had the same problem & I outgrew it.

 

 

If you know you have a resting bitch face, work to make it more neutral. If you recognize your shyness & slow warm up to be making people uncomfortable, try to manage a smile.

 

 

There is a world of difference between ice cold standoffish & new BFF. You can be gracious which is warm without revealing your own vulnerabilities. Say please & thank you. Smile or at least don't scowl.

[genuinelyloverly7]

The reason is that you're being self-conscious, i.e., preoccupied with how they perceive you, making a good impression, being who you think they want you to be. The underlying belief that causes this is, "who I am naturally is not acceptable." The solution may take some practice.

 

First, you need to cognitively dispel that belief as irrational and simply not true. You said yourself, right in your post: "around [friends] them I have a great personality and guys will see that and ask me out." So from this you create a short, true affirmation and let that be the core of your self-talk with the goal of integrating it... that is, replace the irrational, negative junk with the truth.

 

Second, control your focus. When you're with a guy and catch yourself being self-focused (worrying about the impression you're making), disallow it and shift focus to him, or to whatever you're doing or discussing with him. Spend ninety-five percent of the time being other-focused. Ask questions and get him to talk about himself and things that interest him, and be a good listener.

 

Being a good listener is so much easier and more comfortable than trying to act a certain way. Being yourself is so much easier that being someone you aren't, especially when you know that he asked you out because of who you are, not because of who you aren't. Nobody ever pulls that off anyway... they just get tagged as being kooky, unpredictable, incongruent.

 

It may take some extra courage to open right up, lower the shield and reveal who you are, but once you do it a few times you'll come to the realization that you are perfectly acceptable just as you are (whether he realizes it is irrelevant), even enchanting, and what you need to be concentrating on is figuring out who he is.

 

 

This is GREAT advice!

[todreaminblue]

i go into any one on one situation ...not thinking about myself.....but getting to know the person in front of me to open themselves up...i have multiple personalities that help me deal with situations that i find awkward or new...lol...develop multiple personalities....and block off the awkward one...kidding........awkwardness is human...everyoNE feels it at oNE point or ANOTHER.....try smiling when you feel awkward......it often breaks the ice....ask questions and open the conversation like there is a crowd of friends around you....or find your crowd of friendly multiple personalities........deb

[preraph]

I have a resting bitch face that scared guys to death. It's on you to change it. I wish to god I had but because it's fairly easy to be in your 20s and attract some guys no matter what, I didn't learn my lesson until my dating season was pretty much over in my late 30s. I did best with a good wing woman to keep me talking and laughing, but that's the easy way out. You have to get in front of a mirror and practice your best smile and your best eyebrow holding and practice using them and just MAKE yourself do it. I have a splendiferous smile that was only caught on camera once out of all the many photos because I naturally used it so rarely. If I'd used that damn thing on every guy I thought was cute, I know my dating life would have been of a far better quality. Instead I used my natural darkness and enhanced it, and that's all well and good and worked to a certain extent with a small segment of culture, but for plain old making yourself approachable to guys who aren't made of raw nerve, leather and rebar, you need to use your friendly face. It doesn't matter if you think it looks fake. Nobody cares. It says "You can approach me and I won't take your head off."

 

Later in life, I discovered an eyebrow expression that also makes my face open and approachable without having to deploy the ultimate-weapon smile, and for me that turned out to be if I raised both eyebrows way up when looking at a man just passing by and just a little polite smile. It got a lot of warm nods and looks back. I learned this in Home Depot by the way when I was like 50. It just opens up my face and makes me look more relaxed and less pinched and more open, and it's an acknowledgement that I see them.

 

It's your face. Use it to your best advantage. Don't ever just keep doing something because it's what comes naturally. All this stuff will become natural once you practice it long enough.

 

Show every tooth in your mouth, and don't just do it on the ones you want. Practice it on everyone and see what happens.