"I get to what I want, when I want"

[irc333]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

I know a woman that lets her boyfriend do his thing, and vice versa. People seem to think this is a blanket statement warning us currently unattached that, "Hey, if you start dating someone, you'll be chained to the house on a 3-inch change, not able to do anything!"

[sillyanswer]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

Could be. Or at least they're aware that some relationships are miserable and they are frightened that they could end up in one that is stifling or unfulfilling. Not all relationships are better than being single (and sometimes the solution to being in one is to return to being single).

 

Personally I'd prefer to be in a good relationship than be by myself, but I'd rather be by myself than be in the wrong relationship. If others take the view that they'd just rather be by themselves then that's fine by me.

[CaliGypsy]

I'm single , but would love to be in a good relationship.

 

I was having dinner with a married couple who sniped and bickered with each other the whole time I was over . (Uncomfortable much ?). As I was driving home, I thought "I'd rather be alone"

 

Yes, I think one of the reasons people say that is because they have been in controlling or dysfunctional relationships and it's a relief to make their own decisions without someone constantly to assert themselves over them.

 

For some, maybe it's a positive spin on a situation they might wish was otherwise.

 

For others, maybe they just like the solitude and have no wish for a partner or their input . For most situations there are so many different answers.

Edited October 31, 2014 by CaliGypsy
Sigh. Because I never want to preview first

[Keenly]

You'll know what its like when its your only day off and she gets mad that you don't want to go walk around the mall aimlessly or go with her to her grandmothers house.

[Art_Critic]

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

 

I'm married and I get to do what I want and when I want.. oh yeah.. I forgot.. I have a wife and kid so that notion is thrown out

 

 

When you are in a relationship you have to always consider the other person and their needs.. when you are single you don't...

[hotpotato]

I'm married and I get to do what I want and when I want.. oh yeah.. I forgot.. I have a wife and kid so that notion is thrown out

 

 

When you are in a relationship you have to always consider the other person and their needs.. when you are single you don't...

 

Exactly. Its not 100% about you anymore if you are coupled. If you cant take the other person into consideration, your relationship will probably end.

[BlueIris]

It sounds like viewing the spouse as a mom or dad you have to ask permission from, and resenting any intrusion upon independence. People who fear losing themselves or their autonomy in a marriage shouldn’t get married.

 

People who think this way weren’t necessarily in a bad relationship or marriage. It could be that they just don’t like being part of a team, or are generally resentful people who see themselves as oppressed no matter what.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm married and I get to do what I want and when I want.. oh yeah.. I forgot.. I have a wife and kid so that notion is thrown out

 

 

When you are in a relationship you have to always consider the other person and their needs.. when you are single you don't...

 

I can sure see the attraction of not having to take into consideration the thoughts, feelings, and well-being of others in making the vast majority of my decisions. What an amazingly simple process that must be, not that I'd know for sure.

[MissBee]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

I know a woman that lets her boyfriend do his thing, and vice versa. People seem to think this is a blanket statement warning us currently unattached that, "Hey, if you start dating someone, you'll be chained to the house on a 3-inch change, not able to do anything!"

 

I don't think it means you can never do anything you want, but that when you're in a relationship, you compromise your time in ways you don't when you're single. There is someone else you have to consider in all your major decisions, someone else's feelings you have to consider about the choices you make, it's like with any group or pair activity (which is why I hate group projects)....once it's not just you doing it, then there will have to be give and take, differing opinions, compromises to be made and things to sort out. So there is an element of not being completely free to just do whatever. The people who just do whatever are the folks people come here complaining about saying their SO doesn't include them in stuff, doesn't tell them about stuff, told them today they are going to Europe for 6 months starting next week, their SO just made a $5000 purchase out of their joint account and didn't let them know etc.

 

As an example, when I was applying to PhD programs I remember how much more freeing it felt than when I had applied to Masters programs when I had a boyfriend. My boyfriend at the time did not want to be in a LDR; however, the best program I wanted to get into was out of state. We argued about it, it caused lots of tension and because I wanted to be with him it influenced my feelings about that decision which was solely about my life. I ALMOST didn't apply because I thought we'd get married...we broke up some months later for unrelated reasons and thankfully I'd applied and gotten in where I wanted to go instead of choosing to stay for him. Fast forward to when I applied for PhD programs, my friends who were also applying who were in relationships had much more difficult decisions, both when applying and then after getting accepted making the choice about where to live because they had a SO who they had to think about, would the person want to move, do LDR, and the list goes on. For me, this decision was completely my own. I didn't need to consult with a bf, figure out if he wanted LDR etc. I could make my decision strictly based on how it would benefit me or not and not compromise for the sake of a partnership.

 

So that's just one example of what it means when someone says they can do what they want when they want when single. All relationships take work, compromise, considering another person's feelings, running things by them and if they agree it's no big deal but the problem inevitably comes when you're making decisions that your SO does not agree with, which will happen. That's the "freedom" I think many are talking about and not that you are literally being controlled or chained to your home. It's that when you're emotionally involved and sometimes your lives are entangled it's not just about you...just like when you have kids, now you have another person's happiness, desires, opinions, well being etc to think about whereas when single you can be a lot more selfish, in the sense that everything can be about you.

Edited October 31, 2014 by MissBee

[somedude81]

Why not be in a healthy relationship where you're partner only asks you to do stuff with them that they know you won't have a problem with and vice versa.

 

My ex never dragged me to anything that I didn't want to do. If there was something I wanted to do or watch, I'd ask her. If she said that she didn't want to come with me, then I'd do it alone. There were tons of things we enjoyed doing together so the few times I had to watch a movie by myself or whatever wasn't a problem.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

Really? Know many people who can skip off to Vegas without notice, do you?

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

Or they were just in any relationship. Relationships - or at least healthy relationships - consist of equal parts trust, freedom and compromise. Most normal adults, would rather not abuse their partner's trust - no matter how "lax" their partner might be - in order to exercise their "freedom" and thus would probably compromise on things they would like to do (or not do) for the sake of a relationship and the greater good.

 

I know a woman that lets her boyfriend do his thing, and vice versa.

 

It's not always about what someone would "let" you do, it's about what you're even feel comfortable with or are inclined to do.

 

Yeah, I'd really like to buy those shoes and while my boyfriend probably wouldn't pitch a fit over the cost, we've been talking about going on a vacation so....I guess I'd better not.

 

People seem to think this is a blanket statement warning us currently unattached that, "Hey, if you start dating someone, you'll be chained to the house on a 3-inch change, not able to do anything!"

 

Few people think that. But let's not pretend that relationships don't come with certain restrictions and expectations. These restrictions/expectations don't have to be set in stone or exist because of some sort of mandate put in place by an overbearing SO. Sometimes they're just things a mind in 'relationship mode' wouldn't even consider or be comfortable with doing.

 

When you're single you don't have to worry about any of that. Want to go to a strip club Friday night? Congrats, you're free to do so! Want to blow $600 on a new gaming console? Go right ahead! Want to bang that guy you just met in a grocery store parking lot? Be my guest!

[Ready2DateAgain]

I'm single , but would love to be in a good relationship.

 

I was having dinner with a married couple who sniped and bickered with each other the whole time I was over . (Uncomfortable much ?). As I was driving home, I thought "I'd rather be alone"

 

Yes, I think one of the reasons people say that is because they have been in controlling or dysfunctional relationships and it's a relief to make their own decisions without someone constantly to assert themselves over them.

 

For some, maybe it's a positive spin on a situation they might wish was otherwise.

 

For others, maybe they just like the solitude and have no wish for a partner or their input . For most situations there are so many different answers.

 

People who have been in a dysfunctional relationship can appreciate a person who won't bicker and give space.Me as a man I was in one and let me tell you it has made me a better person.If I ever get lucky again to have a girlfriend I pretty much will let her have her space and respect her decisions.She's a adult and is free to make her mind.Being in a relationship is a blessing and one must appreciate it.

[hotpotato]

I want to do what I want when I want. Hmm sounds familiar.

 

I assure you that being in a relationship takes a lot of compromise. Unless one feels exactly how their partner feels 100% of the time, one will need to compromise. Naturally, there will be different views on how to spend time and money.

 

Like if someone decided to make a major life decision without the input of the partner, theres going to be a problem. Even simpler things such as which restaurant to go to or what movie to see require some kind of compromise.

 

Yes, being alone is a much simpler way to live. Just do what you want, when you want.

[Ready2DateAgain]

I want to do what I want when I want. Hmm sounds familiar.

 

I assure you that being in a relationship takes a lot of compromise. Unless one feels exactly how their partner feels 100% of the time, one will need to compromise. Naturally, there will be different views on how to spend time and money.

 

Like if someone decided to make a major life decision without the input of the partner, theres going to be a problem. Even simpler things such as which restaurant to go to or what movie to see require some kind of compromise.

 

Yes, being alone is a much simpler way to live. Just do what you want, when you want.

I don't see why picking a restaurant would be a compromise,that is so small and has no significance. Finding where to live together (picking a city ) that's a compromise.People take a relationship for granted.I did and look where it has left me alone and sad.

[Art_Critic]

I don't see why picking a restaurant would be a compromise,that is so small and has no significance.

 

It has as much significance as you assign it, I can assure you that dinner time and where to eat in my household requires someone to compromise..

[Art_Critic]

What an amazingly simple process that must be, not that I'd know for sure.

 

and peeing with the door open was simple in the single life too

 

it's the old when your single being married can look good and when your married being single can look good...

[Ready2DateAgain]

It has as much significance as you assign it, I can assure you that dinner time and where to eat in my household requires someone to compromise..

 

it's just dinner,it's wherever my girl would want to go eat unless she tells me to pick a place then I would just drive to wherever.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Why not be in a healthy relationship where you're partner only asks you to do stuff with them that they know you won't have a problem with and vice versa.

 

That's ok if you are dating, but when people have a long term relationship or marriage, the whole thing is full of compromising and stepping up to be there for stuff you'd NEVER do if you were on your own.

[preraph]

Saw this recent post by someone here, and also mentioned by others as their reason to be happy to be single.

 

Because, "I get to do what I want, when I want."

 

I am failing to see how this is a big deal, I know plenty of people in relationships that get to do what they want and when they want."

 

People who say this, were likely in a miserable relationship, plain and simple. Yes...no?

 

Maybe, but that wasn't it for me. I do think watching my mother grow up doing the same stuff every day in the house and rarely getting out of the house influenced me, though. But she didn't consider herself miserable. I grew up on my mom's schedule, of course, and we had one, and did great in school, but when it was recreation time, I had a lot of freedom to go do things and there wasn't usually someone else handy to do them with anyway, so I got used to doing things on my own. I was mobile from age 12 on. It's really that simple. Then I did get a riding partner, and that was great. But there were people I wouldn't hang with because I didn't like to do whatever they were wanting to do all the time.

 

What I mean when I say "do what I want to do" is across the board. It's in everyday things with friends (not wasting a day tagging along doing something I already know I hate) and it is in the bigger issues of following my life path instead of tagging along for someone else's. Anytime you have a partnership, you must compromise on those things. And if you're a woman, having kids immediately stops whatever other life you had. Now, that's fine if what you dreamt of is to be a mom. Not saying it's not rewarding for those who aspire to it or that you should aspire to something else.

 

My early career was important enough to me I wasn't about to let a domestic situation slow me down or hold me back from going where I needed to go and doing what I needed to do, and it would have. The one guy who might have understood, because he was doing what I was doing, unfortunately wanted someone to stay home and have children so he could have both. There's no way to have both when a job is pretty much 24/7 and depends on you being out and on the street keeping up with trends. It was never even a contest for me. Having kids wasn't even on my Top 10 bucket list. Now, the right person might have gotten me to stay home and take care of a horse ranch and a bunch of dogs and forego my career for that, but at the time I wanted both and did have to choose because one was out in the country and my career had to be in a music hub.

 

My philosophy about doing what you want to do started in about third grade when my best friend said to me "In life, all you ever really have to do is die. Anything else, you can do it, as long as you're willing to die trying." There's times in life when we just have to do things we'd rather not to survive, but I think it's really important not to waste precious time going and doing things we feel obligated to do. I mean, life is short. We need to live enjoy it as much as we can while doing what it takes to keep a roof over our head and not fetter it away.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

it's just dinner,it's wherever my girl would want to go eat unless she tells me to pick a place then I would just drive to wherever.

 

Spoken like a man truly in the fog of longing for a relationship.

 

Look, it doesn't matter how small the thing is, it's still a compromise. You say you'd be cool with going wherever she wants for dinner but would you be cool with that every time? What if she's just dying for sushi but you've already eaten fish twice that week and been craving red meat? You can either go out for sushi anyway or you end up at a steakhouse. Either way, one of you has compromised.

 

Where you eat, what movie you see, which friend's Halloween party you attend...all of that factors in. And unless your relationship exists in some sort of utopian hive mind in which you two agree one absolutely everything ever, someone is going to compromise at one time or another.

[hotpotato]

I don't see why picking a restaurant would be a compromise,that is so small and has no significance. Finding where to live together (picking a city ) that's a compromise.People take a relationship for granted.I did and look where it has left me alone and sad.

 

Its not a big compromise, but it does require you to cooperate with another individual. When youre acustomed to being alone, little compromises can become a nuisance.

[Badsingularity]

I think it helps some people learn to be less selfish. Which is a good thing in my opinion.

[GemmaUK]

The majority of my relationships have been healthy and happy ones with people who are pretty easy going like I am, part of that was also that we did things together and on own our with no problems.

 

I have only had one RS where my every move was watched (this was long distance) to the point where I couldn't even watch a half hour TV show in peace and without being questioned. That was extreme and he was very insecure and controlling.

 

Since then and with anyone I have chatted with via OLD (of my age - mid 40's) I have tried to gauge what their RS expectations are.

Most men surprisingly seem to have a real 'all or nothing' type of expectation meaning every social occasion or time where you have just free time should be spent with them.

 

I've always had a rule that if my guy is off out I won't text him until the following day as I respect he needs time for himself. It's just normal to do this in my view.

I also let them know that if I am out my phone stays in my bag - this has caused problems in the past with guys I haven't yet even met!

 

 

I think there's many different levels of 'I can do what I want when I want' so maybe you should ask what exactly they mean if it bothers you IRC.

[guest569]

It could be as simple as not having to plan things around someone else's schedule, doing the housework when it suits you, watching what you want to watch on tv.

[GravityMan]

Technically, anyone, regardless of their status, can do whatever they want, whenever they want. They're only limited by the physical capabilities of their body and their brain's mental capacity.

 

However, decisions and actions often have consequences. For you and/or for someone else. Short-term or long-term. Good or bad. This is true whether you're single, in a relationship or married. The more major the action, the more likely it'll have significant consequences. It is also more likely when you're not single. The consequence may or may not be a big deal.

 

Let's say you're single, pissed off about your recent breakup and decide to go beat up your neighbor down the street, just to take your anger out on someone. Hey, nothing's stopping you. So you get into a fight, and he fights back in self defense and knocks you out. His GF was home at the time and calls the cops. End result: you suffer some cuts, welts and bruises and get hauled off to jail and get charged with assault. Oh and your employer finds out about this incident and promptly and deservedly fires you. And good luck finding another job once you get out of the slammer. Your whole life just got a hell of a lot harder because of one stupid action due to anger.

 

Another example - say you're married. One Sunday afternoon you decide to go to your buddy's house to drink beer and watch the football game, and this decision was made on a whim without letting your wife and kid know. You had already told her the day before that you would wash dishes, do laundry and walk the dog on Sunday. So you come home Sunday evening and sure enough...your wife's pissed off at you. A verbal fight ensues, and even after that's over there is a subtle tension in the household that sticks around for a long while. You showed a blatant lack of respect for her feelings.

 

So sure, you can "do what you want, when you want". However, part of maturity and emotional intelligence is taking potential consequences into account, and in relationships, taking your partner's feelings into account and compromising if needed. Sometimes the "illogical" or "irrational" decision is the right one in the long run because it makes your S.O. feel better and safer. Sometimes it's best to just let a matter drop instead of pursuing and escalating it, since it's more important to do your part to maintain the well-being of your relationship.

 

Lastly, this is a big reason why some people are wary of dating someone who has been single for a long time. The concern is that the person may have gotten too accustomed to living and being by himself, and may struggle to adjust to the responsibilities and obligations involved with being in a relationship. Put another way, the person may have become too self-centered and conceited.