I'm in workplace crush hell!!

[SearchingGirl]

Hello everyone! I'm new here so hi! I'd really appreciate any advice for my awkward situation..

 

My backstory is: A year ago I came out of a really intense long term relationship, which I am happy to say I am finally completely over as I've recently started having feelings for other guys, yay!

 

My problem now is, I have a huge crush on a guy at work. I have only recently met him (as I started this delivery job a month ago) but I've got butterflies, feeling giddy when I see him, fantasising, the whole works. We talk a little in between deliveries but it's just as he talks to everyone else, joking a little and polite chat. He's so lovely, helping me out lifting and reaching things etc but I think it's just the way he is to everyone. It makes me want him more.

 

I am no good at flirting, and I am too scared to seem to like him in case he is not interested (which by his actions so far I don't think he is...). But I can't seem to get over this crush at all yet because I still have hope and I want to get to know him. But the people at work don't tend to get to know each other much so I don't want to seem weirdly friendly and pushy.

 

Please does anyone have any advice on what my next steps should be? To get over this crush or to try something subtle?

[marcjb]

I wouldn't recommend getting involved with anyone at work.

[SearchingGirl]

Thanks for the reply. I should have said, this job is only very short term. Most drivers only stay for a few months, and my aim is to only be there until I find a more suitable part time job. So I don't see any problems with it becoming awkward at work long term.

[R3d]

Let him know how you feel and ask him out.

 

That's all you need to do. If you do and he says "yes", great. If he declines your offer, at least you know there won't be any thoughts of "what if" left over and can simply move on.

 

You should see this video on rejection (it's for guys, so some parts may not be as applicable): How To Avoid Rejection & Shame With Women:

 

It is really motivational and helped me muster up the courage to ask someone out myself recently. Even though she declined my offer, I am proud of the fact that I at least had the courage to do it and now I won't have to worry about "what if " anymore.

 

It will be more exhilerating if you ask him out and get turned down than if you don't ask him out at all. So it's a win-win situation. The only problem is that your brain will try to trick you and make excuses for why you shouldn't and you may (really, you WILL) start experiencing anxiety and discomfort. The mind is very lazy and does this when faced with the challange of asking someone out. Don't listen to any of that and just push through.

 

I might even just put the video link in my signature from now on. It's great.

Edited August 27, 2014 by R3d

[newmoon]

avoid workplace romances. so many people give this advice and it is for a reason.

[TouchedByViolet]

After chatting with him one day just invite him to join you for something. Drinks, coffee, food, hobbies, etc. His response should give you an indication of interest level.

[mrs rubble]

Just ask him out like the others have said.

I was in your situation 8 years ago, I'd come out of an awful marriage and had a huge crush on the courier at work, I found out he was single first, then I stole his cellphone no out of the courier book and started texting him!

He text me back, I confessed who I was and we ended up having a bit of a fling. It turned out that we were both not suited for a commited relationship as such at the time, but we had a casual physical relationship when we were both single and working together. None of our colleagues ever found out, and there was never any dramas. In fact to this day I count him as good friend. We are both engaged to others now and he works elsewhere.

I do not regret one minute I spent with this gorgeous man.

[Mirages]

avoid workplace romances. so many people give this advice and it is for a reason.

 

I've heard this before, like to learn more. Those workplace adulteries I've seen, obviously I'd recommend they not happen. But legit, nothing to hide dating? Is it the fear of gossip, distrust of the other party and their intentions? Company regulations between staff/supervisors? What are some more direct thoughts on this topic? I ask because perhaps 1/2 of the flock of candidates for most people will either be work people, or referred relatives of work people, eh?

[SearchingGirl]

I have wondered about this too. I would make sure it was all legit obviously, with no girlfriend involved or anything like that. I'm pretty sure there is no company policy on dating - it's a very laid back, part-time job. We come in for a few hours, do a few deliveries and leave when we want to go home. Not exactly a structured office environment. Gossiping may be an issue as all the other drivers are guys and there is a lot of banter/teasing as it is. Maybe the advice is because it may be awkward if it went wrong, but as I said this job is not intended to be for more than a few months anyway.

 

I do really like him though, just nervous and not sure about how to make a subtle move. Thanks for the ideas

[newmoon]

I've heard this before, like to learn more. Those workplace adulteries I've seen, obviously I'd recommend they not happen. But legit, nothing to hide dating? Is it the fear of gossip, distrust of the other party and their intentions? Company regulations between staff/supervisors? What are some more direct thoughts on this topic? I ask because perhaps 1/2 of the flock of candidates for most people will either be work people, or referred relatives of work people, eh?

 

it's true, so many people do meet a spouse at work that you would think it's cool, but it's not. because - in most cases - you will only date your co-worker and not end up marrying them. it's the dating and non-marriage relationships that are horrible once they end. i was a (single) woman involved with a (single) guy at work for 2 years. we kept it on the down-low even though the company is ok with dating. the problems are these: when you fight at home it comes to work no matter how hard you try for it not to, co-workers notice tension/friction/etc., co-workers notice if you dress different/better/worse, etc. and feel they can make comments about your relationship, it opens doors to potential jealousy (if they see you talking/flirting with anyone else), you cannot give one another correction/direction without it being very awkward, you might end up kissing/touching, etc. in the workplace even though you shouldn't, there is favoritism towards each other, etc. and on and on. when the break-up happens, someone has to go, it's just like a law of the universe or something. the feelings are too raw and deep for two people who once dated and had sex to see each other every day and not manage NC or feelings. you disrupt your career, can potentially ruin your career, and it just demolishes the respect you have in a workplace, and makes you feel/look foolish. if you really like someone from work, then date them once someone quits the company, or just move on from it. it's not worth a career. men, and women, who pursue someone they work with are really not making smart choices, or they aren't in a career or position they care about, because it matters a lot when you are making a solid income and know you need your job. if you like someone at work, look at what position they hold in the company - if it's *better* than yours, or if they are management, or if it's something they take seriously, it's best to leave them alone. because while you might not care about your actions, they might. it's troublesome all around. huge no.

Edited September 1, 2014 by newmoon

[Noproblem]

Hey, if you like him, don't let him go away that easily

 

You should at least try to do some fun activity with a group and include him in

 

anything, really anything...

 

Anything that seems innocent and not too pushy..

[Mirages]

... if you like someone at work, look at what position they hold in the company - if it's *better* than yours, or if they are management, or if it's something they take seriously, it's best to leave them alone.

 

Well, I know, it seems your concerns are likely newmoon. But, one of the best ways to fully evaluate someone is strategically, & over time... A social group or workplace allows the demons to come up rather than be hidden until too late, i.e. you establish a list of non-candidates as their behaviors manifest over months. While I've never dated in the workplace, and kept that very clear, I genuinely knew the women there, could make a decision quickly if needed (all would have been a no at the time). So it is a tradeoff. The most extreme opposite might be to OLD from towns 20 miles away, to really have a disconnect; perhaps for those who are a little dating-unsure that would be the best way to get started.

[newmoon]

Well, I know, it seems your concerns are likely newmoon. But, one of the best ways to fully evaluate someone is strategically, & over time... A social group or workplace allows the demons to come up rather than be hidden until too late, i.e. you establish a list of non-candidates as their behaviors manifest over months. While I've never dated in the workplace, and kept that very clear, I genuinely knew the women there, could make a decision quickly if needed (all would have been a no at the time). So it is a tradeoff. The most extreme opposite might be to OLD from towns 20 miles away, to really have a disconnect; perhaps for those who are a little dating-unsure that would be the best way to get started.

 

interesting that you say you "know the women there" because my experience has been - and perhaps others might chime in too - is that people inside work are 1,000x different outside of work then when you see them/interact with them in the workplace. at work, you have to conform to the company standard, and while you can certainly judge outward appearances and some behaviors and interactions with others, it is not until you get outside the workplace environment that you actually see people for who they really are. people at work behave drastically different than in their "regular" lives. it could actually work in reverse too - someone you wouldn't think to date (at work) could be a great personality outside of the workplace. that is why, imo, it's best to meet people in "regular" situations, and the workplace isn't one of those because people have to act/behave in certain ways. that (likely) accounts for why many office romances don't work out ... you think you like person A (based on what you see at work), and then when you start dating/seeing them outside of work you realize there really isn't a great connection after all.

Edited September 1, 2014 by newmoon