"We all have issues"

[irc333]

I got to talking to a female, married friend that we got to talking about relationships and dating in general. First she said she's totally glad to not even be PART of the dating scene like a lot her female friends are, she has been married 18 years and is probably one of the first married people I had met (in a while) that doesn't make any half-hearted digs about her marriage. SHe couldn't be happier.

 

Anyhow, I mentioned how I tend to meet women with "issues", well....both men and women have issues so I hear it the other way around to.

 

And she says, "Well, EVERYONE has issues, it's just the fact how much are you willing to accept or even embrace them, that's the part of being in a relationship or marriage."

 

She does have a point, I mean, how many people have you met that don't have issues, but they figured, "Whew! Dodged a bullet, that woman/man had issues!!"

 

That being said, are we too hard on those that have issues?

 

Speaking of which, I have a female, Christian friend on FB that posted an event she goes to with her ministry....they were at an event and they all had T-Shirts saying, "Yes, I have issues!" I didn't really know what that was all about or what their cause was implying, but I found out through someone at work about said church.

 

I've found out she's part of what is known as a "recovery church", which is good, but that's what made me think that for those who think, "Man, what a nut job, glad I'm away from him/her!" I saw this and it made me think should we kind of take it easy on those that we date? Perhaps we're too overly picky and thus in a constant state of singleness because we always try to find fault with someone?

 

Your thoughts? Shouldn't we kind of ease up on said singles and perhaps deal with their issues to see if we can overcome them?

[mammasita]

I agree 100%. I also believe all women are crazy (varying degrees of course and self included LOL) we just have to find a man willing to accept our level of craziness

 

Pro tip - For the record, the woman that says she isn't crazy is the one you need to run away from IMHO

[irc333]

I agree 100%. I also believe all women are crazy (varying degrees of course and self included LOL) we just have to find a man willing to accept our level of craziness

 

Pro tip - For the record, the woman that says she isn't crazy is the one you need to run away from IMHO

 

What if she admits to being crazy? What then?

 

Would you date a recovering alcoholic/substance abuser?

[todreaminblue]

yay i have issues t shirts....how refreshing......smilin....i want to have at shirt that says what is normal.....or a t shirt that says call me nermal.......and a picture of garfield on it......eating nermal.....

 

wh..;0)..stuff normal......with nermal........i am nermal......everyone is..

 

i do accept flaws always will....because flaws are real.........deb

[PegNosePete]

Your married friend is right. Everyone has issues. It is about choosing which issues you are comfortable to accept and which you aren't.

 

I would never date a complete "fixer upper", I've done that in the past and it doesn't generally end well. You can't and shouldn't go into a relationship with the idea that you will somehow be able to cure the issues and she will turn out to be a diamond in the rough. Maybe that will happen, but more likely it won't and you'll get stuck with a load of rough. There are plenty of diamonds out there - not all of them flawless, but diamonds nonetheless.

 

Recovering alcoholic/substance abuser - no thanks. Recovered, sure. If you're still recovering then give me a call when you've recovered - I'm not a doctor/therapist. Been there done that, got the ("I have issues") t-shirt.

[mammasita]

What if she admits to being crazy? What then?

 

Would you date a recovering alcoholic/substance abuser?

I did date a man who told me he had admitted himself to rehab a few years before we met for cocaine addiction. We didn't work out for other reasons.

 

Anyway through FB, I've seen that he's doing awesome - running races and what not.

 

So yeah, I think everyone deserves a chance.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Your married friend is right. Everyone has issues. It is about choosing which issues you are comfortable to accept and which you aren't.

 

I would never date a complete "fixer upper", I've done that in the past and it doesn't generally end well. You can't and shouldn't go into a relationship with the idea that you will somehow be able to cure the issues and she will turn out to be a diamond in the rough. Maybe that will happen, but more likely it won't and you'll get stuck with a load of rough. There are plenty of diamonds out there - not all of them flawless, but diamonds nonetheless.

 

Recovering alcoholic/substance abuser - no thanks. Recovered, sure. If you're still recovering then give me a call when you've recovered - I'm not a doctor/therapist. Been there done that, got the ("I have issues") t-shirt.

 

Agreed.

 

Borrowing from the Christian philosophy, "We all have our own cross to bear".

 

I use that a lot in my life. EVERYONE comes with baggage and issues and triggers and experiences both good and bad. There is NO escaping it. And it's those experiences that make us who we are.

 

It's not a question of who's better or worse. What makes ALL the difference is HOW we deal with these issues or how we carry our personal crosses. THAT is what counts and what matters most.

 

At the same time, many of us may come to a point in our lives where we're no longer willing or able to take up another cross, someone else's cross. When you've done the work on yourself and have come to that stage where your cross is no longer ruling your life you just want to LIVE out the rest of your days with surrounded by those who've done the same.

 

We all come to our realizations and self-actualization in our own unique time. And that is perfectly okay.

[Glinda.Good]

EVERYONE has issues. When we're young, we just don't know what they are, for the most part. By the time a person is older, they are part of who we are. How we deal with our own issues is what makes us ok, or damaged goods.

[Leeway Harris]

Anybody who thinks they don't have issues is about to be shown positive proof that yes the hell they do. It's just how life unfolds. We judge one another to make ourselves feel safer, like we're more together and responsible than some other person, or more deserving of good things than they are. When we do that we are just BEGGING for the universe to step in and say "Oh yeah?" and teach us a lesson. To show us where we're weak.

 

And that goes just as much for everyone who says "Yeah, I used to have issues, but I worked them all out now." Oh yeah?

 

Of course you shouldn't try to take on more than you can handle with another person, but keep your humility and remember, it's because you're unable and/or unwilling to handle it, not because this person somehow less deserving than you are because "They have issues."

[Do_The_Herp]

No mental illness. No drug users.

 

Surely there are women out there who don't fit into either of those?

 

I can't imagine what other sorts of baggage there could be worth discussing..

 

Manipulative behavior would fall under the category of "mental illness", as it's a secondary symptom of some sort of mental distress/illness/malfunction.

[Glinda.Good]

What I think of as "baggage" is stuff from the past that a person still carries around and has negative emotional reactions to.

 

For example, hatred of their ex's, suspicion of the opposite gender as a whole because of personal bad experiences, holding grudges, stuff like that.

[KathyM]

As other posters have said, it depends on the issues as to whether it makes sense to get into a relationship with someone. If they are a drug addict, an alcoholic, a porn addict or have some other significant addiction, I don't think it's wise to try to be in a relationship with them, because their addiction will negatively impact the relationship. As far as mental health issues, I would suggest considering how well they are managing their illness. If they are committed to taking medication regularly for their anxiety, depression, or other very treatable illness, then maybe that issue is worth considering, but if their illness is not being managed well, or if they have an illness that is not very treatable, such as a personality disorder, then I don't think it's wise to try to be in a relationship with them. There are a lot of dysfunctional people out there who would not make good relationship partners.

 

 

Then you have those who have issues from childhood which are negatively impacting their life in the present, such as people with abandonment issues, or trust issues, or attachment issues, or self esteem issues, etc. I think it's very difficult to make a relationship work with people who have unresolved FOO issues which are negatively affecting their thinking.

 

 

People who have character or morality issues would certainly not make for a good relationship partner.

 

 

So I think you really do need to consider how functional the person is and how these issues affect the person, because they will likely negatively impact the relationship, and it's hard enough making a relationship work without bringing in this other stuff into the mix.

[SadNLonley]

Totally agree. We do all have issues. No one is perfect. Just depends on the person what they think is too much to handle or not.

[TheBladeRunner]

I just returned to dating from a 10 month break, I stopped because I felt that my baggage was hindering any chance of a healthy relationship and all I was doing was attracting woman that heavy issues as well. I am a divorced, 50/50 parent, and I am self employed. I needed to reel in my emotional junk, become a better single parent, and get my business in check. I felt it wasn't fair to drag my BS into a new relationship.

 

Needless to say, there are people out there that don't feel this way and unfortunately you and I may pay for it if we are not careful, I said "careful", not fearful of who we choose to start a relationship with.

[central]

The key to dating and mating is to find someone you don't want to live without, while still being able to live with their flaws and issues!

 

Yes, no-one is without issues and flaws, but everyone has their own set. Finding someone with flaws that aren't deal-breakers is the first step. The next step is learning whether or not they are ALSO a great match despite their issues.

[KaliLove]

Of course everyone has issues. You just have to find someone whose baggage matches yours and fits in the overhead compartment!

[Under The Radar]

Yeah, anyone boisterously proclaiming "I have no issues" is overtly flying a red flag ...... it says they are that self unaware ...... and a reason for me to sprint fast and far the opposite direction - LOL

 

 

Healthy introspection IS a good thing .

[preraph]

It's about knowing when an issue is destructive and too big of an issue to maintain a relationship. Everyone does eventually get sick of even the small issues after a number of years.

 

And then there are optional issues, like when men decide they're not genetically disposed to housework or help care for kids, that you have to filter out before tying the knot. Because those optional issues also reflect a big innate disrespect. So what may seem like one little issue is actually reflective of a huge issue, disrespect. A lot of people seem to see no correlation between "What's the big deal I didn't call because I was going to be two hours late coming home" and having respect and consideration for their partner, who is at home wondering if you've had a car wreck.

 

So point being even small issues can be big issues.

[irc333]

I think a VERY common issue dating these days is the person you start to date...isn't over someone they broke up with.

 

I see this rather commonly stated on dating profiles, "Please don't be hung up on your ex!!"

 

Of course, dating someone with THIS particular issue could be problematic as it couldn't be a "issue" that one could accept or embrace because it would contradict the point of even being involved with that person.