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I screwed up with my key worker! Is it over?


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Da Lonely 1

Hey, all.

 

 

I have autism. It's like a life sentence, being honest, because it makes social interaction so very difficult and I basically feel like a huge loser. I've been getting support from a company ever since 2008 called Autism Initiatives, that specializes in this field. Many support workers come. Many go. They are like a bloody roundabout. They'll never become real friends either due to the boundaries. So naturally, that sucks if you see into it more than it is.

 

 

A long time ago, I worked with a lady called Ruth, who was very nice. I was able to gel with her being close in age and we had stuff in common, but she eventually left to go to another branch, so she stopped supporting me. After I moved into supported housing in April 2011, I hadn't had shifts with her for ages prior to when she left that fall. So I requested one when she was leaving and we had a nice last day, but it felt sad, knowing that was the last shift we'd have together. Then a while later, my mother said to me during a random conversation that somebody told my key worker Pam that I was becoming 'too attached' to her. Ruth's brother Tom is a support worker too, but he's only part-time. I often had a bad habit of telling other support personnel that Ruth was my 'favourite' care worker, so no doubt they told the bosses about that in private and they decided not to allocate shifts between us. Who knows?

 

 

Last year, I split away from my only major girlfriend, Laura. She was never really a true girlfriend anyway. She used me (a lot) because I was a wimp who didn't want to lose her. I spent years looking for her too, after we were apart following our initial "relationship" way back in 2005. A support worker called Patrick pretended to be her boyfriend to dissuade me from looking for her, but the less said about that carry on, the better. However, I will just say that I spent many years looking for Laura via online social websites, but I never got anywhere at all, until we met up again in March of 2012. After just a week however, she barked out orders to get me to purchase an Apple iPod for her, which she later damaged. The chaos that ensued over the following year though is way too long and complicated to delve into. But yes - she was really nasty through all the drama that followed.

 

 

Now my current issue is quite long and harder to explain, but please read it all carefully...

 

 

Because I was so lonely after losing Laura and I grew tired of wasting money on sex workers, I asked a helper called Joanna to date me. It was a desperate and costly mistake that almost proved fatal in a way for our alliance. Joanna and myself used to have tons of fun shifts and I never ever hit on her. We baked a crumble once. That working association ended for a while though because she told her bosses I asked her to date me, but she told me that she had to inform them as it's her duty. We were kept apart until the summer, when her bosses issued a supposed 'trial' shift with her which went okay. We got a lone shift then, but that was it. So I wondered why I never got any shifts with Joanna after that day, despite selecting her to be on my new team of half a dozen or so helpers. They kept on saying she was just busy. I didn't buy into that.

 

 

After a while, I figured I was probably just being fobbed off (or lied to), so I went on Facebook and shared a photo of her, with a small unintentional anger induced ranting. Then she reported me again, so a senior pulled me up about it once and said we couldn't work together again. But that is okay. They have like 4234 other staff from several teams in any case, so it's no big deal to get somebody else to have shifts with me.

 

 

For ages, I had a lovely Spanish woman as my key worker. I still remember that first shift we had where I called her a señorita. And she had a nice smile and actually, Sara was really pleasant towards me in those days. After a while though, I messed up badly by telling her too many personal details and just complaining in general about life being awful. For example, I told her explicit details about what sex acts I do with women because I was frustrated about my poor success rate in the bedroom and she said she didn't need to know these things, although I tell other staff that I do that too and they usually say I need to keep that to myself, or at least talk to men instead not to offend any females. Sara also went with me once to a sexual health clinic after I had an STI after banging a hooker, and I also spent ages moaning about Joanna not working with me, over and over again.

 

 

I still got to see Joanna on a sleep over night from time to time, as someone pops a note through everybody's door listing who sleeps over on what night each week. But I would use that sleep over time to grunt to Joanna in flat 1 about not working with her on a normal support shift. Sleep overs are not one to one as other residents go through to flat 1 to freely talk to the staff too. I eventually realized how upsetting this was and apologized to Joanna. We for the most part though, usually have a decent ordinary chat about music or something else.

 

 

The once smooth working relationship I had with Sara deteriorated after December, because I text her referring to her as a petal, but I was just trying to be nice. She gave me a telling off on a bus about that and said other support workers noticed I was fond of her too. She also said she would not date me even if she departed (because support workers take their role seriously). Earlier that same week, she told me she might fly to South America one day to work with kids. That upset me, because it felt like we'd be on borrowed time. Sara also altered her name on her Facebook profile to Sarabe Monik, making out it's because people were looking for her, but I reckon the real reason is that my neighbor Vivien told her to update her privacy settings, because Vivien knew I enjoyed searching for support workers on Facebook and she told me she'd inform the staff to change their settings. I recall Sara only had one photo of herself wearing sunglasses, but it's not visible any longer.

 

 

Sara and myself worked together for a few more months to come, but the boat was rocking badly by this stage due to my uneven mood. After early February, when a senior went on maternity leave to give birth to her first child, I suddenly stopped seeing Sara and a senior called Andrew maintained she was just busy "temporarily" key working for some other folk and that she was indeed still my key worker. But both Sara and this Andrew dude clearly had 'guilty' written all over their faces when I ran into them, either alone, or together. My mother agreed via phone conversations that they likely rigged my shifts because Sara must have felt uncomfortable being around me, but that I'd be unable to prove it was the case seeing as how they are the ones who call the shots.

 

 

Weeks went by and I never worked with Sara any more. It just felt odd, so here - I saw Sara around the office one afternoon. She said I had to have a meeting with Andrew and Rona, but I had no idea then what this had to do with her absence. Then I got kind of paranoid and called her phone, and e-mailed her abuse. Then when that meeting finally happened, I got told I couldn't work with her again. Sara stopped doing sleep overs after that, because we got kept apart. She stopped using her mobile and I was told recently that her work e-mail address was disabled because I sent her too many emotional messages saying I'd end my life.

 

 

Since that time, I was detained then arrested after the police come and took me away, after I sent a racist e-mail to the staff. Coincidentally, I had attempted to arrange to see Sara in a diner for a chat at the precise time the police officers showed up at my home. Although one of the seniors tried to make out the cops were called because I threatened to harm myself. Yeah, tell me another one. Please!

 

 

The police weren't that interested about my threats to off myself, though. I was not prosecuted at the time after being in the holding cells at the court the next morning, after being locked up in the police station for the night. But I have been charged. A social worker had responded to the fiscal recently following an interview session at a criminal diversion appointment, so I'll find out in a few weeks if I'll be summoned to court over this nonsense. I have been charged already, but it's on a separate list from the main charges people receive for more serious crimes. Now, I never even meant to be racist, but racism is still really serious.

 

 

I waited along a street to talk to Sara one evening, because I saw her with Vivien and figured her shift with Vivien would be her last one judging by the time I saw her outside my stair door. Vivien has to stand there and smoke, so they saw me and walked up the street as I was crossing the road. Later that evening after I deliberately waited up for Sara along the route she takes to go home on foot, she walked away from me quickly and got into a taxi. A senior later told me it's because I put my arm out and she misinterpreted it as an assault attempt, but I only wanted to say sorry and well, hug her.

 

 

Since that meeting, the assistant director of AI Scotland called Cathy has spoken to me and said I won't get Joanna nor Sara back for the time being, but I need to work on getting better first. But I did reinstate my support again in order to attempt to redeem myself for being a knob. After that, the seniors constantly said to me on different encounters that I'd never get to work with Joanna nor Sara ever again unless there was no-one to cover a shift or whatever, so I got fuming mad and assaulted a senior one morning, but as well as that, I messed up the door to flat 1 (their office) using eggs, washing up liquid and flour one night and also contacted people with rage induced messages again. The police come with a paramedic one morning because I had left an empty medication foil packet in front of their door with an apparent suicide note and letters were placed on a chair wedged between my front door which is nearby. I locked myself in a room and the paramedic said he needed to check me for injuries. Then the cops took me up to a mental hospital and returned me home afterwards.

 

 

My friend Scott from way upstairs has been arrested a few times too. He's too lazy to take his garbage out, so he chucks heavy objects out of his window onto the pavement below rather than go downstairs. He was arrested last weekend and kept locked up until Tuesday, as Monday was a public holiday. You cannot see the pavement below his window so if he throws something like a piece from a heater, it could cause a fatality.

 

 

So after reading all this, what do you reckon I should do next? Do I have major mental health flaws that can be successfully treated? I don't know what my fate will be in a few weeks, but my support workers know I'm not racist and that it was my temper that made me snap.

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It sounds like maybe you are kind of degenerating over time in some ways. I do not understand autism, but clearly, the people you work with do. I hope they have had you evaluated with an overall psychological exam as well in case you have more than one issue going on.

 

Here is what I see as the main problem: Your world is too small. Your whole world seems to be these autism workers, so it's little wonder you are getting attached to them for emotional needs. You may have heard of something similar with psychologists and their patients. The patients often get attached to them, and they call it transference, which I'm not sure what exactly that means, but it's attaching emotions to them that belong on people in your life with roles appropriate to those feelings. It sounds like you are doing that over and over. I honestly think a male worker is your best bet.

 

I don't know the severity or the limitations autism places on you in particular, so I can't say if it's possible, but you need to find a social outlet that has nothing to do with the workers. That can be anything you enjoy, attending sporting or music events, taking a class, going to the gym. Honestly, even if an outside activity doesn't lead to romance, it will give you something to look forward to and focus on instead of having this tunnel vision you have for your workers who are trying to help you. You need to expand your universe.

 

Always remember that people of all types, really all but the lucky good looking few, struggle to meet the right person.

 

One more thought. Why are you focusing on the workers and not the other people they help who also have autism? Do they not have group activities where you can meet others with autism? If not, ask them for a referral to a group who does have social activities.

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Da Lonely 1

Hi.

 

 

Yeah. I agree that I need to obtain a stable personal life outside of the professional restraints and that crossing boundaries has consequences. However, I do think they're acting harsh by not letting me work alongside Joanna and Sara any more. Although now I need to move on and not mess up my life any further. I still have to await a decision from the procurator fiscal.

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EverLastluv

I'm sorry, You still not getting it! if you understand that you have to respect these profesional that work with you then ((( you dont need those two ladies working with you))) You should accept by now you cross the boundary. So accept whatever else follow cause of your insidets.

 

Focus on dating people who is interested in things you like EXCEPT the people you work with!

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ThaWholigan

Hey OP.

 

I also have autism and I understand how easy it can be to fall into a cycle of attachment and obsession as a result - usually exacerbated by lack of socializing at certain points.

 

I think your main thing that you have to tackle first is boundaries - a lack of your own and how to recognize and respect others. Sometimes this is a case of being able to read body language in order to do so, or simply applying a filter of sorts that you use to stop yourself from saying things that may be inappropriate or uncomfortable for the other person.

 

Understand also that your own boundaries must be built. This should enable you to socialize more confidently, and you will also have a firmer understanding of how to respect other peoples boundaries and what they deem as appropriate. In turn, people will (hopefully) respect yours.

 

Being that you are autistic, it is not a surprise that you struggle with a social life. For varying parts of my life I have failed to adequately maintain my own social life despite gaining lots of friends. The key thing here is to find things you like doing and find ways to do it - outside of the sphere of your support workers. They are facilitating you being able to be comfortable around people and doing activities with them. So you will be confident enough to make friends and be comfortable around people. Find groups and meetups on the internet or even take courses if you can find them. Maybe a communication group that focuses on social skills could be helpful and you'll get to meet others.

 

The danger of obsession will still linger sadly. You will have to learn to micro-manage that element and try to transfer that obsessive tendency into an acitivity or hobby rather than a person. Unfortunately, I don't think you will be supported by those ladies again but use this as a chance to kick on. If you want to redeem yourself, you will have to do it away from them and prove you can move on.

 

As for the episodes of anger, that I also have experience with. I can't say I've ever abused anyone verbally or by email (other than a few battle raps :laugh:) but I have found it difficult to keep an even keel at times when I know I should. There are things you can possibly learn to circumvent that - maybe meditation, writing, music or possibly a martial art.

 

Lastly, there should be some resources you can find at your disposal. Either via books or by illegal download :p. Look for things you can find on socializing, body language, autism, controlling anger/impulsiveness, how to be positive and generally any subject you feel will propel you forward. I don't know how old you are, but you have time to be able to adequately manage this side of your life. It will be lifelong, and difficult at points - especially when you want to slip back into familiar modes of behavior. But it can be done, and not only will others be proud of you but importantly you will be proud of yourself :).

 

Take care. You can ask me any questions if you wish :).

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Da Lonely 1

I regret what I did to Sara. And even though I may see her around, I won't work with her on shifts and that will be hurtful.

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