Disappearing acts!

[jaymoq]

So, living in a small town and being new to the area, I decided to give OLD a try. Have gone on a few dates. I figured at least with OLD, I could be up front in my profile about what I'm looking for, what I'm not looking for, etc. But, I seem to be dealing with a lot of disappearing acts lately. I'll go on a date, talk on the phone, go on another date, all is great, we set up another date. Then I get stood up. No call. No explanation. And whats more awkward is I see that they're online (not that I'm the creep stalking them but because I've interacted with them it pops on my profile 'suggesting' I contact them again). Awkward! I even had one guy mid-sentence hang up on me and just-- nothing. I was married for a handful of years and I guess I just took civility for granted. If I've been on a date or talking to someone and I just wasn't interested, I said something. Nothing harsh, just along the lines of "I think we're looking for different things" or "I'm looking for something else". Its not comfortable, but at least its honest and we can part ways amicably. To me, hanging up on someone, standing them up, or going from talking, texting, emails to NOTHING is rude. I know they're not who I want if they're disappearing like that, but how do I avoid this behavior? Or is this just part of dating?

 

At this point, I have closed all but one of my OLD profiles and I'm not even on that anymore. I only get on if someone sends me a message. I'm not in a rush to be in a relationship, but can someone explain the mentality behind this? I don't accept the whole "If you don't get a call back, I'm not in to you" statement. I HATE assumptions. Why should we have to play that game where we are just left GUESSING what happened. I had one guy BRUTALLY honestly tell me (while drunk) all of the reasons he wanted nothing to do with me. And know what? I respected that! It was rude and pretty profane, but it left me without any guessing. Afterward, when he'd sobered up, he called and left me a message apologizing and that restored some faith in the human race, but I look back on that interaction without any mixed feelings. But, these guys I've gone on multiple dates with, set up outings, then POOF disappeared? They are really cowardly to me. But, its still making me feel insecure, because I'm not sure WHAT I'm doing or not doing that is causing this? Should I take it personally?

[Frank2thepoint]

First I wish to acknowledge that what you do, what you believe in for dealing with members of opposite gender in a civil way, is very admirable, honest, respectable, and strong of you. Personally, as a man I appreciate a woman that is considerate enough to convey her feelings whether it is negative or positive. You don't play games, which is good, continue what you are doing and be true to yourself.

 

Second, online dating - and the dating world in general, has changed. With the advent of the Internet, it has brought forth instant gratification. Well actually I think it started with instant coffee back in the day, but the Internet exasperated the concept. Because of this, many people don't feel the need to communicate their dissatisfaction (or even satisfaction) with a date. They just disappear, because it's easy, gutless, and requires no effort. Consequently, it is just as easy to have a new date with someone new. It's an instant clean slate, as long as the person keeps getting dates. Honestly, hoping to find someone that will be respectful enough to communicate will be rare. You can drudge on, or just stick to the good ol' fashioned tactic of meeting people in the real world where you can easily gauge their body language.

 

Third, what are you doing that makes these guys disappear? Since you are forthright, maybe you are conveying something to these men that they can't or don't want to partake in. Are you telling these guys you want something serious? If so, this can scare a lot of men (just like women) away. Or maybe your values could be too demanding for the men?

[jaymoq]

Thanks for the reply! Re: what I might be doing to exacerbate the issue, I know that I am a stronger personality. And I realize that is intimidating to a lot of men. Although, I try to be mindful of that. I am not talking about anything serious on the first few dates. I am low key and treat it as a friendship. If anything, I feel that most of the men I've met have jumped in to their ex drama, telling me life stories about alcoholism, kids, and strip clubs, and I try to be open minded and am never judgemental, but maybe my body language conveys my concern with some of their more serious pasts. For one, its hard for me to relate to those stories because I have no criminal history, no children, and I don't drink, so I can't relate to alcoholism problems.

 

I'm a really progressive thinker, so I don't immediately condemn someone because of a history, but maybe my easy going nature makes it hard for them to gauge ME. If anything, I have been hesitant to say much of ANYTHING that could be misconstrued as judgey, and that could be a problem. I am so hung up on being the 'perfect' date I am holding back part of me, and that's not fair to either of us. And maybe that fact is making me lackluster.

 

Either way, I think good, old fashioned meeting face-to-face is the way to go. I am not on a time line, so to me, making friends and enjoying life is the focus. Not getting a date or being in a relationship.

[Frank2thepoint]

I have to ask, what kind of men are you attracting or seeking that many are alcoholics, visit strip clubs, and/or are criminals? Are these the type of men that you subliminal are attracted to or are these just random encounters?

 

Obsessing over having the perfect date is a natural feeling to have because you want it to be successful. Unfortunately this hampers your overall success, and denies you happiness. There is nothing wrong with being a progressive thinker, not being judgemental, and especially easy going, but standing by your values, voicing your opinion, and establishing boundaries, establishes respect. By doing this, it would also minimize the amount these men flake out on you.

[jaymoq]

Yknow, these have all been random occurrences. I ask myself often, "What am I doing to attract these types of people?" With online dating, I felt like I at least had a feel for the caliber of man I was talking to, so a lot of that revealing information only came out after I met them. At least I always meet in a public place and never put myself in dangerous situations. Conversely, their profiles would have had me believe they were saints. I think part of my problem is I wrote my profile in a very welcoming, embrace-all-types manner and that might come across as me not having any standards for myself? Additionally, I am attracted to a man that has real-life experiences. I live in the country so I am looking for someone that has or is interested in country living, ranch life, outdoors experiences, etc.

 

For example, the man that ended up having been in jail for an extended period of time I initially agreed to go out with because he has a history with horses and I, being a horsey person, was attracted to that quality. So, it could be that what I am perceiving as rugged and desirable (in terms of having experience in an outdoor, ranch type of environment) might go hand in hand with a type of personality/lifetsyle that includes rougher qualities like jail time, alcoholism, etc.?

 

I appreciate your advice and realize that yes, I do need to work more on just speaking my mind and not focusing on perfection or obsessing over being agreeable. Being myself is ultimately what is going to attract the RIGHT person, not the wrong one.

[preraph]

Yes, of course it's rude behavior. And you can expect more of the same because so many guys online are only there to have sex with a variety of women. You have to be philosophical about it. If they're this rude, thank your lucky stars you found out after only a date or so! Good riddance to bad rubbish! The alternative is you wind up with one of these guys and 10 years from now he doesn't bother to let you know he's working late and doesn't see why he should have to. So this is actually a good thing because it filters out inconsiderate and/or cowardly guys and keeps you from wasting your life on them.

Edited April 24, 2014 by preraph

[Frank2thepoint]

Interesting. If your online dating profile portrays you as welcoming, then this subconsciously alerts these guys a free pass to walk all over you. Add to the fact that these guys are the rugged and outgoing type, whom tend to be more aggressive in nature, and not tactful. So there's a mix of problems that compound for you here. They tend to make poor life decisions (ex-wives, jail time, etc.) and have little respect for their fellow man.

 

A simple advice would be try to give the less rugged and desirable men a shot. I know, you might say they are not what you are attracted to, because the less rugged guys like to do safe things like read a book, watch a movie, and travel to foreign big cities. They sound dainty, but there may just be one that does all that, and on a rare occasion goes hiking or camel riding.