OLD is getting old....

[Hope Shimmers]

I am a 49 year old divorced woman. I am far from perfect, but I am intelligent, educated, fit, and attractive and look younger than my age. But after quite a bit of experience with OLD I am about to give up.

 

I have encountered many men on OLD who are in fact married and living with their spouse but either check 'separated' or 'divorced' on their profile. In one case I had dated someone three times and then happened to run into him and his wife at Lowe's - that's how I found out he was in fact married. In the other cases, after some conversations and questions by me, they admitted that they were "technically" not yet separated or divorced, but "working on it".

 

Of the actual single men on OLD, the biggest problem I have had are profiles and (especially) photos that are inaccurate and/or VERY old. I will never understand this. The point is to meet the person "in person" very soon, so what is the benefit of putting photos in the profile which are nothing like what their date will see when they meet?

 

The last OLD date I had was a half-hour coffee date at a Starbuck's during the day (I've learned not to do evening dates that last several hours as a first date). The guy's photo showed a head-and-shoulders, professional shot of him in a suit, and he looked great. He is an attorney. He told me in the initial email exchanges that he was divorced once and that he was in his 50's.

 

Turns out that he is in his late 60's, has been divorced 4 times, and his legal license has been suspended because of "misconduct". I found this out from a background search because some of what he said seemed suspect or wasn't consistent from what he had said earlier. He has 4 kids all of whom are either in jail or are homeless. He looks NOTHING like the photo he sent me - I didn't even recognize him in the Starbucks even though there was no one else in the place at the time. He now has gray, disheveled hair which is shoulder-length and he is at least 50 pounds heavier than in the photo he sent me.

 

When he asked me, after the date, what my thoughts were, I told him. He seemed bewildered, and said that "everyone does that on OLD" and it's just a way of getting to meet people in person.

 

OMG....

 

Why do people on OLD think lying is going to work?

[gaius]

Maybe they prefer the ego boost that increased responses bring to actually getting something going with someone long term, or maybe it is an effective tactic and often they can manage to snag someone if only getting them to meet in person. I think your main issue is that you need a younger guy though.

[salparadise]

OMG....

Why do people on OLD think lying is going to work?

 

People are delusional. The most seriously delusional people are on the dating sites... forever. Those whose delusions don't seem askew are generally able to find appropriate people to date and get into new relationships, so they're only on there a short time. The people who have good pickers and are able to sustain commitment long-term may never be on there because they get married and stay married... that's roughly half of the population. It's a little bit (but not exactly) like wondering why you don''t find toned women at weight watchers, bald men in barber shops, or christians at a synagogue. It's not to say it never happens, just that the odds are skewed the other way.

 

You're looking for a needle in a haystack, so you must reconcile with the fact that stacks are mostly hay. In order to make it work you have to have a sharp picker and lower expectations.

[TheBladeRunner]

Question OP: How long have you been doing OLD? I put up with the same type of stuff for 9 months before quitting. Some dates just were not a match, I get that, but MANY were the same type of scenarios in that they were not who they said they were.

 

Some were unemployed, grossly under employed, and many still had severe emotional issues from recent break ups and divorce. I'm done with OLD forever and I am willing to take the time to get to know someone first before becoming romantically involved and finding out later they are a complete disaster.

[carhill]

Why do people on OLD think lying is going to work?

 

People apparently do what works, for them. Evidently, that Starbucks guy had enough 'whatever' to be married four times. IMO, to be able to do that takes a certain 'approach' to life and some people have it and others don't. One marriage wore me out!

 

I recall posting up a thread here when I was going to date after my exW and I had been physically separated for about 8 months, pending D, and the responses were decidedly that the women here had no interest in nor desire to date a separated man. However, I did put 'separated' in my profile and did date a couple ladies that spring. I remember one commenting specifically, right after she hugged me when we met for the first time, that I looked exactly like my profile photos. I said, 'well, yeah, I just took them last week!' So, having been away from OLD while married (met my wife that way back in the 90's), I was unaware of what had happened to the venue in the interim.

 

TBH, I won't be back. OLD had its time in my life and that time is over. I'm a bit older than you, mid-50's, so maybe that colors my perspective. I'm working to move to a place where I enjoy the community and can meet *single*! ladies IRL.

[newmoon]

I come across men who post very old pictures too - probably when they felt they were attractive and more recent pics ... well, they wouldn't be attractive enough to date, so they post old stuff. they also commonly lie about their age (reduce the number) by about 5 years, so I have found.

 

 

I don't want to sound negative, but could your age be hindering you? Not sure how good the pickings are in your higher age group? You might want to find a site that is geared for old(er) daters and more reliable hookups (not saying eharmony, but ones like that as opposed to okcupid or match).

[Hope Shimmers]

Question OP: How long have you been doing OLD? I put up with the same type of stuff for 9 months before quitting. Some dates just were not a match, I get that, but MANY were the same type of scenarios in that they were not who they said they were.

 

Some were unemployed, grossly under employed, and many still had severe emotional issues from recent break ups and divorce. I'm done with OLD forever and I am willing to take the time to get to know someone first before becoming romantically involved and finding out later they are a complete disaster.

 

I've been doing OLD for the last year, off and on. I think I am done with it forever too...

[Hope Shimmers]

People apparently do what works, for them. Evidently, that Starbucks guy had enough 'whatever' to be married four times. IMO, to be able to do that takes a certain 'approach' to life and some people have it and others don't. One marriage wore me out!

 

I recall posting up a thread here when I was going to date after my exW and I had been physically separated for about 8 months, pending D, and the responses were decidedly that the women here had no interest in nor desire to date a separated man. However, I did put 'separated' in my profile and did date a couple ladies that spring. I remember one commenting specifically, right after she hugged me when we met for the first time, that I looked exactly like my profile photos. I said, 'well, yeah, I just took them last week!' So, having been away from OLD while married (met my wife that way back in the 90's), I was unaware of what had happened to the venue in the interim.

 

TBH, I won't be back. OLD had its time in my life and that time is over. I'm a bit older than you, mid-50's, so maybe that colors my perspective. I'm working to move to a place where I enjoy the community and can meet *single*! ladies IRL.

 

I think you have a good approach. Unfortunately I live in a community that I don't like very much and can't move, and there aren't very many single men in the first place.

 

Your post reminds me of another issue I didn't mention. You are clearly extremely intelligent and articulate... most men I have encountered on OLD can't spell or construct a sentence. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's just something I have noticed. Men like you who are intelligent don't stay on OLD long. Lesson learned!

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't want to sound negative, but could your age be hindering you? Not sure how good the pickings are in your higher age group? You might want to find a site that is geared for old(er) daters and more reliable hookups (not saying eharmony, but ones like that as opposed to okcupid or match).

 

Hmmm... my "higher age group". Now I am officially depressed.

 

I'm just kidding. Yes, I definitely think age hinders it. Many men in their late 40's or 50's (the age group I would prefer) are looking for women in their 20's and 30's. The men that are left are old enough to be my father. Ugh.

 

I look ten years younger than I am (good genes from my mom's side) but that doesn't seem to matter. And I refuse to lie about my age.

[carhill]

most men I have encountered on OLD can't spell or construct a sentence. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's just something I have noticed. Men like you who are intelligent don't stay on OLD long. Lesson learned!

 

Anymore, it's difficult to tell. So many people now communicate in what I call 'text-speak' and we see that here on LS as well. Sometimes it's like seeing a different language. Many I know personally are quite intelligent and articulate in person but when I get stuff in e-mail from their smartphones it all looks like Martian to me, even from folks my own age and older. Perhaps the difference is I never had children and got hooked into the habits of the younger generations. 'Old-fashioned' comes to mind, kind of like all those handwriting classes we had in grade school back in the 60's.

 

I've never seen OLD from a woman's perspective so will have to take your word on the intelligence part. It does appear to have changed markedly, in general, from when I started using it in the mid-90's. Heck, back then I was still writing 'love letters' in that old-fashioned handwriting thing and sending them via 'mail' with a stamp. Times sure have changed.

[Hope Shimmers]

Anymore, it's difficult to tell. So many people now communicate in what I call 'text-speak' and we see that here on LS as well. Sometimes it's like seeing a different language. Many I know personally are quite intelligent and articulate in person but when I get stuff in e-mail from their smartphones it all looks like Martian to me, even from folks my own age and older. Perhaps the difference is I never had children and got hooked into the habits of the younger generations. 'Old-fashioned' comes to mind, kind of like all those handwriting classes we had in grade school back in the 60's.

 

I've never seen OLD from a woman's perspective so will have to take your word on the intelligence part. It does appear to have changed markedly, in general, from when I started using it in the mid-90's. Heck, back then I was still writing 'love letters' in that old-fashioned handwriting thing and sending them via 'mail' with a stamp. Times sure have changed.

 

Wow... mail with a stamp... love letters in cursive... those were the days

 

I know what you mean about 'text-speak'. It is like a different language. (My kids know I won't reply to their texts unless they spell words out )

 

I am a physician by training but am also a writer, so I may be too sensitive about the spelling thing but it was so bad that eventually I put something in my profile asking that replies be more than 'hey' or 'how ya doin', kind of thing. Still, here is a message I received from someone on Match (copy and paste) who supposedly has a graduate degree:

 

"I am careing very fun too be with. a go getter. soneone wating to share life with a woman who cares. No games. my job keeps me out of town sometimes . so if you can deal with that the trust thing and that would be what would hope to find. soon I want to slow down go to the beach or just mess around the house"

 

[ZipperZapper]

Question OP: How long have you been doing OLD? I put up with the same type of stuff for 9 months before quitting. Some dates just were not a match, I get that, but MANY were the same type of scenarios in that they were not who they said they were.

 

Some were unemployed, grossly under employed, and many still had severe emotional issues from recent break ups and divorce. I'm done with OLD forever and I am willing to take the time to get to know someone first before becoming romantically involved and finding out later they are a complete disaster.

 

Same here. I recently took down all of my OLD profiles. It's an incredible waste of time and money. It works for women, but not for men, unless they happen to look like Adonis and are rich.

[ZipperZapper]

I think you have a good approach. Unfortunately I live in a community that I don't like very much and can't move, and there aren't very many single men in the first place.

 

Your post reminds me of another issue I didn't mention. You are clearly extremely intelligent and articulate... most men I have encountered on OLD can't spell or construct a sentence. I'm not trying to be mean, but it's just something I have noticed. Men like you who are intelligent don't stay on OLD long. Lesson learned!

 

That's not necessarily true. I'm very bright and articulate, can spell properly and use proper grammar. I'm funny and a great guy to be around, too.

 

However, I had a profile up on several OLD sites for at least a year, got a rare date every now and then as a result, but didn't end up in a relationship with someone. So much for the idea that bright guys get snapped up and never return to OLD.

[newmoon]

Hmmm... my "higher age group". Now I am officially depressed.

 

I'm just kidding. Yes, I definitely think age hinders it. Many men in their late 40's or 50's (the age group I would prefer) are looking for women in their 20's and 30's. The men that are left are old enough to be my father. Ugh.

 

I look ten years younger than I am (good genes from my mom's side) but that doesn't seem to matter. And I refuse to lie about my age.

 

 

 

sorry! no offense meant. I am in my 30s and get responses mostly from the high 40s men and even some 50s :-( it's depressing for everyone. BUT... maybe try to be open-minded? and that might mean going out with someone not in your preferred age range who contacts you anyway. for me, OLD is all about trying what I normally wouldn't 'in real life' so I try to remain open-minded.

 

 

have you tried meetup.com? that's not a dating site per se, but they have tons of local groups you could join to meet people.

[Hope Shimmers]

That's not necessarily true. I'm very bright and articulate, can spell properly and use proper grammar. I'm funny and a great guy to be around, too.

 

However, I had a profile up on several OLD sites for at least a year, got a rare date every now and then as a result, but didn't end up in a relationship with someone. So much for the idea that bright guys get snapped up and never return to OLD.

 

Good to know. You must not have been in my geographical area.

[Hope Shimmers]

sorry! no offense meant. I am in my 30s and get responses mostly from the high 40s men and even some 50s :-( it's depressing for everyone. BUT... maybe try to be open-minded? and that might mean going out with someone not in your preferred age range who contacts you anyway. for me, OLD is all about trying what I normally wouldn't 'in real life' so I try to remain open-minded.

 

 

have you tried meetup.com? that's not a dating site per se, but they have tons of local groups you could join to meet people.

 

No, I didn't take offense. You have a good point about being open-minded and maybe I am not enough. The idea of dating someone in his 60's just is freaking me out though. Mid-50's just seems perfect, but most of those men seem interested in much younger women. At least in my experience.

[Hope Shimmers]

have you tried meetup.com? that's not a dating site per se, but they have tons of local groups you could join to meet people.

 

I forgot to address this... yes, I did try a couple of meetup groups actually. For some reason, at least here, the participation seems to generally be limited to older people (60's and 70's). I was by far the youngest person there.

[Teraskas]

That's not necessarily true. I'm very bright and articulate, can spell properly and use proper grammar. I'm funny and a great guy to be around, too.

 

However, I had a profile up on several OLD sites for at least a year, got a rare date every now and then as a result, but didn't end up in a relationship with someone. So much for the idea that bright guys get snapped up and never return to OLD.

 

Yeah, tell me about it. :/

I'm exactly like you in these respects: I can use proper spelling and grammar.

I am able to compose messages which have content rather than the 'EHRMAHGERDURHOT' or 'HAIUSECKSAY' one liners, but my messages ALWAYS seem to get lost in the avalanche of crap by which women are inundated.

I'm capable of suitable humour and an all round great person according to my friends.

 

Been doing this OLD for slightly over a year now, got 3 dates out of it.

Unfortunately, those were far and few in between.

Been stood up on dates, women dropping off the face off the earth, getting rejected left and right, getting friendzoned, I've been there and done that.

Despite the fact that I'm looking for something serious, the women I run into are either only looking for 'friends', just got out of a relationship, don't know what they want, don't want any commitment whatsoever, etc.

 

Whoever came up with the idea that bright guys get snapped up via OLD and never return needs to be shot, it's a flat out joke.

(And this isn't only happening to me, several of my male friends are also experiencing this issue.)

So long story short: OLD is nothing but a farce and a flat out joke for genuine, great guys who are looking for something more.

(I'm only 22 and have already reached this conclusion by now lol.)

[PinkInTheLimo]

sorry! no offense meant. I am in my 30s and get responses mostly from the high 40s men and even some 50s :-( it's depressing for everyone. BUT... maybe try to be open-minded? and that might mean going out with someone not in your preferred age range who contacts you anyway. for me, OLD is all about trying what I normally wouldn't 'in real life' so I try to remain open-minded.

 

 

have you tried meetup.com? that's not a dating site per se, but they have tons of local groups you could join to meet people.

 

Being open-minded has its limits. I get being open-minded when it comes to a man's height, or him living outside your preferred geographical area, or him having younger kids than would be ideal.

 

But I don't think one has to be open-minded when a certain characteristic of a man will influence your life in a negative way.

 

A guy not being fit will impact your life because chances are he has/will have health problems, not to speak of the fact that he might not be able to get it up in bed.

 

A guy being significantly older than you will impact your life:

- He is likely to have health problems when you are still active and fit

- He will retire a lot earlier than you which makes you the most important breadwinner (unless he is very very rich). If you get together with a man your own age you will have a double income for a longer time

- It will influence your sex life and not in a good way

- He is less likely to want to participate in household chores

 

An older guy is a bad deal and in a time where women can choose to remain single there is no reason to get together with an older guy.

[Valen]

There is just something about OLD I don't like. It's like a meat shop for people to hook up, just like clubs. That's why you tend to encounter liars and fakers and desperate loners.

 

To be frank, I don't date girls that frequent clubs or uses OLD. Those are deal breakers for me.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There is just something about OLD I don't like. It's like a meat shop for people to hook up, just like clubs. That's why you tend to encounter liars and fakers and desperate loners.

 

To be frank, I don't date girls that frequent clubs or uses OLD. Those are deal breakers for me.

 

If those are deal breakers, there sure are not a lot of women left...

[Valen]

If those are deal breakers, there sure are not a lot of women left...

 

I'm not looking to date a lot of women, I'm looking for a particular one. So you see how it helps me narrow down my choices?

[PinkInTheLimo]

I'm not looking to date a lot of women, I'm looking for a particular one. So you see how it helps me narrow down my choices?

 

Well it certainly narrows down your choices but on what basis? What is wrong with a girl who goes clubbing? I went clubbing a lot in my young days but that did not mean I was not a serious person. I just loved to dance.

 

And what is wrong with doing OLD? All kinds of people do OLD, some of them are serious, others are players. Just like people you meet in real life.

[D.Mc.]

Hi, Hope,

 

I'm with you. OLD has been eye opening for me. 4 months on 2 sites & no real life dates. I actually have a note on my profile to address the "geographical" (another state) issues. Men message me knowing that they have no intention of ever meeting me due to the travel factor. I think people have forgotten what a "date" is: meet at a certain location, to do a specific activity (dinner/lunch/rock climbing etc.), talk to the person "in person". It seems all anyone wants is email, skype, text... none of which is dating in my view (I really do think it's my age 40++++). Of course I'm not perfect, I've declined one man who was local & messaged me: he had a nice profile but no pic. When he sent it...he had all of my deal breakers as to physical appearance. Don't give up yet, that means I don't have a chance either.

[Valen]

Well it certainly narrows down your choices but on what basis? What is wrong with a girl who goes clubbing? I went clubbing a lot in my young days but that did not mean I was not a serious person. I just loved to dance.

 

And what is wrong with doing OLD? All kinds of people do OLD, some of them are serious, others are players. Just like people you meet in real life.

 

Clubbing is a youth event, I am not a kid by the way. And I have dated girls who frequent clubs, not good. After a while of knowing enough clubbing girls, I can tell you this, finding a decent girl at a club is not easy. I'm not saying there is none, but a definite indicator she hasn't mature enough still wants to party and that's not my type.

 

OLD is not as bad as clubbing for sure. But I tried OLD in the past to just see what it was like, too many women I meet tend to have issues. I'll be frank, it's like the place is for people who struggle to find a partner out in the real world or liars and cheaters who want bang as many dates as possible. Yes, there are decent people that uses OLD, again my experience has taught me otherwise. So I avoid. Also OLD didn't feel natural to me like the whole process felt artificial, like those dating game shows and you are just a contestant. I don't really like to meet someone for the first time on a date. I like to know someone first before I can go on a date with them. So I prefer meeting someone from my social circle or through work or out in the real world. That's how I have done it all my life and that's how all my friends have done it so that's why I don't want to meet anyone from OLD or date anyone that uses it. I want me partner to like doing things the natural way like me.