Women over 40 still want children?

[irc333]

I had seen a few profiles of women that still desire to have children after the age of 40.

 

One recently she was 46 years old. Another one in my area, she's 43. 46 is pretty much a serious risk.

 

There was time in my life (mid 20's/early 30's) and especially just after college, that I did want children.

 

But as I turned 35, I was an "Undecided" on POF, and by the time I reached 40...I put an absolute "No".

 

So my problem, I PREFER to date women without children, but at my age (and their age), I meet women even beyond 40 wanting children. I've always wondering if there are serious health risks , esp. in their mid-40's, but what's the desire to an elderly parent?

 

Let's say you're 43 and you meet a guy, about 2 years your dating...so you're 45.

 

(See you have to give at least 1 or 2 years of dating time prior to marriage, so whatever your age that you are now, in your 40s, add a couple of more years to that).

 

SO you're 45, have a child, and if there are no issues, let's say the child is 10 years old...well, you're old enough to be an AARP card carrying member, while you're running him around to karate class and soccer.

 

That all being said, I wonder if some people think of that situation when the desire to have children at such a late age?

[Art_Critic]

For me when I was single and doing OLD I used to cut the women slack on that, for one.. a woman today can be a Mom after 40.

 

The other and more important deal is that if she answers that question with a no then she just cut her dating pool by 90% as most guys her age would have kids and she would have to be a Step Mom and want kids if she was to have a marriage with a guy.

 

By the way.. I was 45 when my son was born AARP has nothing to do with raising a child, my wife was under 40 but not by much...

 

I think those boxes that people click in the OLD forms are only a starting point to find out where someone is in life and some flexibility is required since the question can be so multifaceted.

[irc333]

Congrats on the kid, its good that it turned out well for you. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep it as an 'undecided" as sometimes its not entirely planned.

 

I may, however, consider a Vasectomy some time in the future.

 

For me when I was single and doing OLD I used to cut the women slack on that, for one.. a woman today can be a Mom after 40.

 

The other and more important deal is that if she answers that question with a no then she just cut her dating pool by 90% as most guys her age would have kids and she would have to be a Step Mom and want kids if she was to have a marriage with a guy.

 

By the way.. I was 45 when my son was born AARP has nothing to do with raising a child, my wife was under 40 but not by much...

 

I think those boxes that people click in the OLD forms are only a starting point to find out where someone is in life and some flexibility is required since the question can be so multifaceted.

[Art_Critic]

"undecided" is an okay item to have clicked at your age, at least it doesn't say "No" .. simply because you may run into a woman that has a 12 year old and she trips your trigger, always keep your options open unless you know for sure that you could never want kids or step kids.

[d0nnivain]

My parents were older at a time when that wasn't done so to me older parents are a norm.

 

 

Anyway, it's an extremely personal decision & there is a LOT of societal pressure. I didn't want kids when I was younger but since I got engaged & my FI/DH started talking about families I warmed up to the idea because he wanted kids.

 

 

The decision ended up getting taken out of my hands because I am unwilling to do IVF or surrogacy but there is a segment of society that continues to try to make me feel bad because I don't have children. There are people who look down on me & try to make me feel that all of my personal successes & accomplishments are meaningless because I didn't procreate. It's maddening but it still hurts. There are few places to garner support.

 

 

Don't judge based on some radio button somebody checked on a dating a website. TALK about it once you get to know her better. For the same reason people are not going to announce all of their prejudices to you upon meeting, it takes a tremendous amount of courage to buck the norm & outright say you don't want kids or after 40 to admit that you may have missed your window.

[irc333]

For a long while I had "Undecided" chosen, only because I didn't want to be filtered out so immediately when it comes to online dating.

 

Perhaps I should change it back to "undecided' for the sake of not being eliminated in haste?.

 

"Oh, he doesn't want kids, he must not like kids".

 

TALK about it once you get to know her better.

 

That would be great, but the reality of the situation is...they aren't willing to talk about it only because that's how they quickly weed people out. They simply don't have the time with all the emails in their inbox. They mentally "Sort" those who want kids, have a certain height parameter in mind, and so on.

 

They are quickly sorting as they click through the emails, "Doesn't wwant kids..want kids, want kids...want kids....too short, too short, 6 feet tall yes!" and so on, they mentally put people in piles and discard the unwanted ones in the same fashion as a machine.

 

 

 

 

"undecided" is an okay item to have clicked at your age, at least it doesn't say "No" .. simply because you may run into a woman that has a 12 year old and she trips your trigger, always keep your options open unless you know for sure that you could never want kids or step kids.

Edited March 1, 2014 by irc333

[Art_Critic]

"Oh, he doesn't want kids, he must not like kids".

 

 

Exactly.......

[Disillusioned]

The thing you other posters don't seem to understand is that parents and want-to-be parents actually have totally different mentalities from those of us who are kidless and want to stay that way.

 

The whole "I want kids so badly but he/she doesn't" thing has caused so much hell because people don't realize there are 2 different mentalities at work in that kind of a relationship.

 

BTW I totally don't get why it's so taboo to desire a loving relationship with a woman who's infertile... it's not like infertile women and impotent men give you leprosy or something.

[VeronicaRoss]

Women over 40 who have kids don't have to give birth, there is adoption.

 

We have a woman next door over 40 who forced her hubby's hand and their son has Downs Syndrome. It could have been a lot worse. My boss was in the hospital after the delivery of her premie fertility treatment provided kids, and the kids were in the hospital for months. There have been life-long complications in one twin. After 40 I just don't think it's smart or really thinking about others to move forward.

 

I didn't really want kids until I met my husband at 40. Our lives were right, 'we' were right too.

 

He was impotent it turned out. He didn't want to adopt or for me to take the physical risk of pregnancy in my 40s with implants. I didn't feel motivated enough to make an argument for it. So no kids.

 

Yet we have a happy marriage and after spending the weekend with our godchildren and listening to the mother of an infant and toddler talk about how overrated parenthood is, I think we're ok. We have definitely missed out on a big part of life and I never envisioned being childless, but we also have much easier lives in almost every way. And a lot of time and energy to spend having fun.

[KathyM]

You should change your status to "undecided." When you put "no" in that category, you have just weeded out the vast majority of women in the OLD pool. The vast majority of women in their 30s and 40s either already have children and would want a man who is willing to be a step parent, or they are still wanting to have children, either through adoption, IVF, or other means. You really reduce your prospective dating pool when you put "no" in that category. Unless you are definately sure you would never want children, you may want to rethink that and put "undecided" instead.

[irc333]

You should change your status to "undecided." When you put "no" in that category, you have just weeded out the vast majority of women in the OLD pool. The vast majority of women in their 30s and 40s either already have children and would want a man who is willing to be a step parent, or they are still wanting to have children, either through adoption, IVF, or other means. You really reduce your prospective dating pool when you put "no" in that category. Unless you are definately sure you would never want children, you may want to rethink that and put "undecided" instead.

 

Maybe, but I've actually ran into women on POF that feel the same way....though, I would make that hurdle, I still have to get by their other requirements, too.

 

Great, we both don't want kids, but am I 6 feet tall with a 6 figure income? Nope sorry...next! lol

[KathyM]

Maybe, but I've actually ran into women on POF that feel the same way....though, I would make that hurdle, I still have to get by their other requirements, too.

 

Great, we both don't want kids, but am I 6 feet tall with a 6 figure income? Nope sorry...next! lol

I think OLD is quite a challenge for a lot of men, and so to limit your dating pool extensively is not a good plan, unless children is an absolute dealbreaker for you.

[irc333]

I think OLD is quite a challenge for a lot of men, and so to limit your dating pool extensively is not a good plan, unless children is an absolute dealbreaker for you.

 

 

I don't mind dating someone with kids, but I just don't want to bear children of my own.

[KathyM]

I don't mind dating someone with kids, but I just don't want to bear children of my own.

Then I suggest you change your status to "undecided." There could be some pretty nice women out there who are wonderful mothers and would love to find a man who would be sweet and kind to both them and their children. You really narrow your dating field when you put "no children" on your profile.