Am I not worth attention?

[nutcracker]

I am a 23 year old female. I have battled self-esteem issues since I was 7, and it has been no pretty struggle. I haven't gotten out of it yet. But just like any girl my age, I don't stop wishing some guys would be interested in me.

 

I don't know what it is about me, but guys somehow really don't talk to me much. Atleast that's what I get from their behaviour, they would fancy anyone else around me but I just become a passing acquaintance.

 

A little bit on me, I don't really try to impress the other person. I am not girly, I am a traditional, conservative (but non-judgemental) person with a lot of independent thought. Oh and I'm not attractive or anything, but I am still living in the cave thinking looks aren't everything.

 

Any advice?

[TheyCallMeOx]

I believe that even though you're 23 years old, you've still got a lot to learn about yourself. The reality is that we all do. However, I'm really excited about the position you're in because there is a lot that you need to learn, and it's going to be an amazing experience when you come out of it. The good thing is that you know what it's like to have low self-esteem, so when acquire self-esteem...you'll be able to empathize with the people who still have self-esteem issues. It's good to feel pain because pain is what helps us appreciate ourselves when we no longer feel that pain. It's like...how can we appreciate our happiness, if we don't know what it's to live in sadness?

 

You're amazing, really. Battling self-esteem issues since 7 years old and now you're 23 years old? You've been dealing with self-esteem issues for 16 years. There are people who go through issues and sometimes they don't make it out alive. It's sad to think that there are many people in this world who not only dislike themselves, but want to kill themselves. The fact that you haven't given up after 16 years shows that you have a great amount of strength that I'm willing to bet you don't even realize.

 

I'm really proud of you that you've managed to get this far, and I appreciate you for seeking help and allowing me into your life.

 

I'm really sorry for the way you feel. I just want to let you know that you have value, whether you know it or not. The world is a much better place with you in it.

 

I wish that I could just give you self-esteem so that you wouldn't have to feel that kind of pain anymore, but acquiring self-esteem is a journey. I'm not sure what kind of things you've done, but I just want you to understand that dealing with self-esteem is more of an issue of perception rather than an issue of lack of certain experiences. In other words, I strongly believe that our self-esteem is determined by how we perceive ourselves rather than basing it on the world around us. From what I gather, you believe that because of your lack of experiences in the relationship department, you feel that you aren't entitled to have high self-esteem. How can you have value when you feel like no one finds you valuable?

 

If this the case, it's not healthy and is going to prevent you from achieving high self-esteem. The truth about our self-esteem is that it is determined by how much value we value ourselves, and not how much value people value us. Although it's nice to know that people value us, it's really not the main factor on determining who has high self-esteem. Believe it or not, but there are people who have relationships, friendships, etc but still have low self-esteem. Why? Because despite the external events (relationships, friendships, etc), they still feel like they don't have value. However, it's not true. Self-esteem comes from within. At the end of the day, only you can determine how valuable you are...and you are extremely valuable because there's no one in the world that is quite like you. There are men out there who dream of meeting a woman like you, but the problem is that you don't really know who you are. As a result, you don't know your best qualities. A man may ask you "why should I date you and not some other chick?" You probably wouldn't give them a good answer. You may say "well, I'm non-judgmental"...but that's a friendly quality; that isn't a "datable quality." As far as you're concerned, you don't have that many good qualities. You feel like you're non-attractive and, as a result, the way you dress may reflect that. You may wear a lot of loose shirts, jeans, and do your hair that you feel is the easiest. You may not really "rock" the clothes you wear. The way you feel about yourself reflects your actions. You believe that you have no value. You also believe that you're not attractive. Worst of all, you probably believe that you can't get a man to like you because of your self-esteem and self-image issues. The fact is that it's actually the other way around: men don't want to date you because of your self-esteem and self-image issues. With these three combinations, you ultimately send yourself into a downward spiral. It's almost like a loop where you are consistently disatisfied with yourself. Even though you've gone a long time with your issues, I believe that you're getting to the point where each day, you're growing more and more hatred for yourself.

 

If that's the case, I'm really sorry.

 

But it doesn't need to be that way! The beautiful thing about self-esteem and self-image issues is that they aren't all that difficult to change once you have that realization. Both issues are dealt within yourself. If you feel that you are unattractive, then there's certain things that you can change. Perhaps you are overweight, and feel that being overweight makes you feel unattractive -- if that's the case, start working out. If you're not over-weight and you feel unattractive, I feel like you haven't really explored your body. Just like you, there are things I look good and don't look good in. If you've got big breasts, there's shirts that are designed to...highlight those features. Nothing wrong with showing a little cleavage. If you've got a nice ass, they've got jeans for those. There's certain colors you look good in, and there's certain colors you don't look good in. I don't look good in pink or green shirts -- however, in white shirts...I look great. I also look good in a black shirt and jeans.

 

However, do I think I look good naked? If I walked around downtown naked, I'd probably be tased by the police and traumatize several women. I know I don't look that great naked, BUT I know that I've got a sexy face. I'm losing my hair and therefore extremely limited on what kind of hair styles to choose from. I've got a nice ass, so I usually like to wear jeans that kind of accentuate dat ass. However, I know what I look good in and I've explored my body long enough because I had to go through low self-esteem issues as well. The truth is that I could come up with a lot of reasons why I shouldn't have high self-esteem. Some of it has to do with my past, and some of it has to do with my current imperfections. However, it's really all a choice. I know that I have value because I'm a very caring person, very open-minded, and very analytical. I went through a breakup just 4-5 months ago, and I feel great. I was able to really sit down and analyze the breakup until I could accept it, and I'm at a very good position in my breakup recovery because I'm mentally strong, I'm intelligent, I'm etc. I know my good qualities, but I also know my bad qualities. I desire to change the bad qualities, and sometimes I don't, but I acknowledge that the bad qualities exist.

 

You can't really worry about everything at once, however. Getting a boyfriend should be the last thing on your list because the reality is that getting into a relationship is the least helpful. It's nice to get into a relationship, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't really help you because you have to consider...what could happen if you end up single again? There's nothing worse than falling in love with someone and saying "this person makes me value myself" because how would you feel when they are no longer there? Now you feel like you've lost all your value and you may potentially be worse off than you were before.

 

What you really need to do is work on your self-esteem and self-image issues. All it takes is a realization, but you've gotta get to that point. Read all the self-help books you can find, maybe go to a psychiatrist, talk with people who have been what you've been through, and you'll get there. I've been there before, and I gotta say...it's beautiful when you're able to look in the mirror and say "you know what, I'm not the best looking...but God damn, I love myself."

[gaius]

You might not be giving off the talk to me signals. Lots of eye contact is number one. Most people I know who battle depression don't like to make eye contact with strangers.