Finding a Relationship in College — Need Some Insight

[Mr. Brightside]

Hey, guys! First time poster here and brand new user. I apologize in advance for the length of my post below, but I hope that it is easy enough to read through that you'll be willing to read it to completion.

 

Something's been on my mind for quite a while now, and I'd like to get some insight from others that may help to set me on the right track or put me at ease. I've just finished my first year of college, and it went well in terms of grades, friends, etc. — all good stuff. However, one thing I have yet to do thus far in my young life is to successfully get a girl to say "yes" to going out with me. Because of this, I've become a bit concerned about my future dating life, given certain circumstances which I am going to explain next.

 

I go to a rather small private college known for having a very rigorous academic program. I love the school, but it's really not a great place to start a good long-term relationship with someone special. Most of the girls here are either really success-oriented, so much so that a relationship is almost out of the question for them (because of pressure put on them by either their parents or themselves to succeed here), or they're just really not my type. I find that quite a few of the girls around here tend to be materialistic (which is a very common trait among people at my school), super-wealthy (and therefore probably "unattainable" by an average, middle class person such as myself), too much into the party scene (i.e., more into one-night stands than committed relationships), or simply not very attractive (to me, at least). Don't get me wrong — there are plenty of nice girls around here, too, and plenty of personable people in general. But when I look at the general type of girls that attend my school, alongside the fact that my academic responsibilities are quite demanding and don't leave me with a lot of free time to date, I begin to fear that the remaining three years of my college experience will be devoid of any real relationships.

 

Back in high school, I was very devoted to school and academics. For the first three years, I never even considered asking a girl out, and I was pretty content with just doing my own thing — going home each night and studying for hours, taking a little time to myself, then just going to bed and repeating the same routine come the next day. I guess you could say that I was a bit of an introvert, but I slowly came out of my shell as high school went by, and by the end of it I was friends with almost everyone I knew at my school. At the end of my junior year, my friends coaxed me into asking out this girl who I was friendly with via text message, and she politely declined, using the common "don't want to mess up our friendship" response. In hindsight, I don't even consider this to be a true attempt at asking a girl out, since it was a random move made over text message — definitely not every girl's dream. I forgot about her after the summer had run its course, and I was back to my previous lifestyle. But then mid-way through my last year in high school, I began to have feelings for a close friend of mine. We had been friends for a number of years, and I had never really seen her as more than a good friend. We had a lot of great conversations and we had tons of stuff in common, and apparently our friends took notice of this and decided to push us to go out. Long story short, we went out once (her idea), had a great time, planned to go out again the next weekend, but never did. Then, things seemed to just deteriorate after that for a number of confusing reasons that I won't go into here. I eventually asked her point-blank if she wanted to try being more than just friends, but she turned me down for the same reason as the previous girl. A couple of months passed after that, we graduated, and I haven't talked to her since high school ended.

 

Fast-forward to now, where I'm in college with one year under my belt and currently on my summer break. I had hoped that my first year in college would have at least brought me closer to potentially getting into a relationship, even if it was only getting to know a girl who I had feelings for and who I could talk to over the summer and possibly strike things up come the Fall semester when we would be back in school; however, this hasn't been the case for me. I did have one girl catch my eye, though — she was a girl who I had met through a mutual friend of ours, and I immediately felt attracted to her after the first time I had a chance to briefly talk to her over lunch one day. Three or four months passed before I had a chance to spend time with her again, and I'm sure she had completely forgotten who I was from that one day at lunch four months prior. My friend knew that I liked this girl, and he was friends with someone who was also friends with her. One day, my friend and I were walking out on campus and he saw that the girl I liked was sitting with some of her friends, so he pulled me over to go talk to them, since the girl he knew was sitting there, too. The night turned out well — I spent a few hours with her and her friends that night, and I talked plenty and made them all laugh a few times (but, of course, I was most concerned with the one girl I had my eyes on, and she seemed to be receiving me quite well). After that night, I started sitting with her in a class that we had together, and I talked to her about random things and found that she was very easy to talk to and was very nice and friendly. She was so pretty, with so many things about her appearance that made me fall for her, yet I never saw her hanging out with other guys at all. It was like all the guys at my school, for whatever reason, were simply overlooking this amazingly pretty and genuinely nice girl who was right there in front of them, and it surprised me quite a bit that she was not currently in a relationship. Seeing as she was rather shy, though, it kind of seemed sensible. Anyway, after about a week or so of sitting with her in class, I mustered up the courage to ask her out to lunch (and did so in a very casual manner), and while she didn't really reject me, I could tell by her demeanor in the way she responded that she wasn't really interested in going out with me. She said she had to check her schedule, and she did eventually get back to me over Facebook, but nothing ever happened after that. Haven't talked to her since that last correspondence on FB. This one was tough because, although I really liked her, I couldn't blame her for turning me down. She didn't really know me that well, and to be honest I wasn't the most confident when I asked her out. If I could do it again, I know what I would improve and change, though God only knows if it would have made a difference in her response.

 

So, now I'm back at home for my summer break for three months, away from school and back in my hometown, which renders me virtually incapable of finding another potential girl until I head back to school this Fall. My hometown doesn't really provide good opportunities to meet girls, so I'm basically sure that I won't have a chance to make something happen until I'm back at school again. And it is in this period of time of being in a position where I am not able to explore new potential opportunities with girls that my concerns about my future in dating at college have grown.

 

I really need some advice here. What if I don't find a girl I like in all my time at college, and then after that I'm too busy working and trying to build a career to even have time to try to find love? I don't want to go into my thirties having never even kissed a girl — that would be tough to handle for me, especially because I'm not at all bad-looking and I've had a few girls interested in me before, but I just didn't feel the same attraction toward them. What can I do to improve my chances of finding a girl who's right for me at my college, despite the apparent lack of compatible girls that I've witnessed so far? Thanks in advance for your responses.

[Immortality]

Been there, done that, moved on.

 

You are a thinker. The disadvantages are not what you think - it is not the girls that are the problem, it is the introspection. Introspection should be avoided - you've done enough introspection already to get to your level of intellectual development; any more will simply harm you.

 

The reason you find most girls uninteresting is because most girls are not intellectual. To save misunderstanding, I differentiate between intellectual and academic - the former I will use to mean thinking for thinking's sake.

 

You want a girl, a girlfriend, a companion, a date. To translate: you want a girl you can sleep with and have interesting conversation with.

 

So: what should you do? First - understand girls better. The girls of your aspirations do exist, but you will not spot them by their demeanor (shyness) or their looks (glamour). They lie behind a mirage, a mist of perfume, make-up, handbags and prime time television chat. You must bravely navigate the mist - you will not succeed from outside it. If you stand aloof, proper, introverted, curious, you will eventually find a girl (technically she will find you), but she will be the left-overs of the dating game.

 

Most importantly, live life. Forget about girls (really, do!). Put the studies to one side - you are smart enough to achieve without wasting your life; be inspired! Studies in our time, are a path towards a lifetime of work (slavery). There is plenty of time for slavery in the future.

 

Think about the things you love doing - now go out and do them! Do something physical - develop your body. Try new things - seize opportunities to see more of life. Travel. Be fearless - don't ever be afraid of talking to people ('I mustered up the courage to ask her out to lunch '). Focus on your strengths (e.g. academia) - let them inspire your confidence in your areas of 'weakness' (e.g. socialising). If you do this - men & women will join you. You will have your choice of interesting girls.

 

With the girls, do not apologize - unless you're truly wrong (which will be rare). Don't ask girls out - let them follow you. If you must, 'tell', but do not 'ask' them to join you. Do not overvalue anyone or anything. Play. Live in the moment and accept that ALL of life is transient; leave those who fail to understand this behind.

[Mr. Brightside]

First of all, I have to sincerely thank you for your excellent reply! Really what I needed to hear, and I think you hit the nail on the head with quite a few things.

 

You are a thinker. The disadvantages are not what you think - it is not the girls that are the problem, it is the introspection. Introspection should be avoided - you've done enough introspection already to get to your level of intellectual development; any more will simply harm you.

You know, it's funny that you say this because I've often wondered how healthy such analysis really is, and my friends would always bring to my attention my tendency to over-analyze and dissect almost everything whenever I was dealing with girls I had liked in the past (in both high school and college). Unfortunately, it seems like it's inherent to my nature to analyze everything in this way, especially when it comes to girls. I always feel like I'm bothering them by trying to strike up conversation, whether it be via text message or in person, or by trying to take the initiative and attempting to become a somewhat significant part of their lives (as opposed to just some guy who talks to them about insignificant topics from time to time) in hopes that I could have a better chance at receiving a "yes", should I finally ask them out. I always feel privileged to occupy their time, even if it's just a brief conversation, and I always have felt like I may be placing an unwanted burden on them by asking them out and putting them in a position where they may just have to say "no" to someone when they would likely rather not have to deal with such a scenario. I would like to think that most girls would be flattered if a decent-looking, friendly and pretty intelligent guy asked them out on a date — even if they ended up turning him down — but for some reason, I have always assumed that the girls I've asked out in the past were just glad to be done with it once they voiced their rejection. I definitely feel that this is a problem with my perception of girls, and of dating in general, and it's something I think I have to change, but it's really hard to stop feeling like I'm burdening a girl by asking her out when she probably would rather have just gone on with her life, free from the obligation of dealing with a guy's attention which she finds to be more of a nuisance than a compliment.

 

On a daily basis, I look back at my past attempts at the last two girls I've tried to start something with (the last one from high school and the one from college), and I honestly consider how my dissection of the situation — of what she might have been feeling and what each of her responses, or lack thereof, could have meant — might have resulted in my failure. Ironically, I guess this is the exact over-analysis that I should be trying to avoid, yet I can't seem to stop thinking about it. I still dream about the one girl from high school probably about once a week, yet all of that transpired over a year ago. I don't see how this can possibly help me, nor how it will miraculously "win her back" if I just think hard enough and find the perfect words that I should have said to her, or think of the perfect way that I could have seized upon one of her hints that I now realize I had missed, just to see what could have changed. It's almost like I'm trying to solve a puzzle that doesn't have a solution — and the worst part is that I know this, yet I keep searching for it like it's right around the corner, and like finding it will make everything better somehow.

 

The reason you find most girls uninteresting is because most girls are not intellectual. To save misunderstanding, I differentiate between intellectual and academic - the former I will use to mean thinking for thinking's sake.

It's true that the girl I liked in high school was very enjoyable to talk to, and while I wouldn't say she was entirely intellectual, she was contemplative enough to keep me interested, and that is something I really miss about her. I wish I could find another friend like that, although I have to remember that I probably liked her more because I was also physically attracted to her.

 

So: what should you do? First - understand girls better. The girls of your aspirations do exist, but you will not spot them by their demeanor (shyness) or their looks (glamour).

That's an excellent point, and it's something that I never really took into account until you brought it up. I've always made it a point to seek out the slightly shy girls with subtle yet recognizable prettiness, and often girls who show some independence and don't care as intently about the social scene as most others do (in fact, of the three girls I have mentioned that I was interested in, one of them barely used Facebook, and the other didn't have an account on there at all because she thought it was a time waster — this actually came off as a respectable and therefore attractive quality to me). Surprisingly, these two girls ended up being some of the sweetest and most enjoyable people to talk to. I've always assumed that these were the types of girls I would connect with best, and in a way it's been true, but it hasn't ended well yet. I guess you can say I've identified these kinds of girls as my "type". But going by what you're suggesting, I guess I should just be more open to connecting with different types of girls and have an open mind about the whole thing, with the hope that eventually I'll get past that "mist" you've identified and find something more meaningful about them. It's hard for me to do this, in part, because I've spent so much time daydreaming, as well as literally dreaming about being with a girl who meets that type which I've described.

 

Think about the things you love doing - now go out and do them!

I've been told this a few times before, and I agree that it's definitely good advice. When I've been dedicated to something I've really cared about in the past, it's taken my mind off of other concerns of mine (such as girls) and my life had ultimately become less full of concern, as a result.

 

I know what I love to do, and I try to do it as often as I can, but in all honesty I think that I often turn myself away from doing things that I don't think girls would find interesting/attractive. For example, my greatest passion and hobby is programming and developing websites — I've done it for many years, and I just enjoy the act of creating things that other people will eventually use and hopefully enjoy. However, explaining that I love sitting in front of my computer for many hours writing code for seemingly unimportant projects to a girl seems like it wouldn't be received well. I'll admit, though, that the girl from high school found the work I did with the web really interesting, and she was impressed by it and liked to hear about it. Maybe if I find someone else like that, then I won't have to downplay or hide it so much.

 

Now, don't get me wrong — I may study a lot and claim programming as my favorite pastime, but I'm not without athletic interests. I also run regularly for personal benefit, and I really love baseball (playing as well as watching), and believe it or not I'm actually pretty decent up at the plate. While I'll admit that I'm not good enough (or big enough) to compete at the collegiate level, I still like going to the batting cages and hitting a few rounds of baseballs from time to time, as well as the occasional backyard homerun derby with friends. While I may not have the ideal arsenal of personal hobbies and interests to initially impress a girl (for example, running is always a good activity to do and makes you seem active, but casually enjoying baseball is not as impressive when you're not actually playing for a team), I'd still like to think that the right girl will like me for who I am, and will respect what I like even if, for example, she might not enjoy coding quite as much as I do — or at all (which, by the way, is totally cool with me).

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the things I love doing most aren't exactly going to help me to meet girls or make me seem more desirable, and so I tend to shy away from them hoping that I can instead participate in things that will make girls look twice at me and think, hey, he seems like he has it all together/is someone worth getting to know! However, this attitude may actually be hurting me more than helping me, not just with trying to find a girlfriend, but also with trying to enjoy life.

 

To sum up my particularly long post here, I really appreciated your response and I didn't mean to seem pessimistic or seeking to shoot down any of your suggestions here. I just wanted to properly respond to some of the points of your post that I felt I should elaborate on, and maybe there's some more advice you or someone else could give me, knowing these new bits of information about me and my situation. I'm going to take your advice to heart and make an effort to change those things that need changing.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Mr. Brightside

[ooglesnboogles]

I read your first post, read Immortality's reply, and kinda skimmed your second, so sorry if this has been addressed. I'm on a time crunch but felt like addin in my two cents...

I'd also like to add that I'm also not doing great in the dating scene (and am a big overthinker =P ) but that's more from lack of options at the moment. New school in the fall, hoping that helps!

 

Anywho, something I've noticed myself doing, and it sounds like maybe you're doing it too, is waiting too long. I can say from experience, that a week or two really doesn't feel like all that long, especially if you keep up the rapport. But I think asking the girl out after a few really good minutes, or after a really good first impression can make a big difference. Take, for instance, your friend's friend, the one you had lunch with. The second time you met up with her - when you spent time with her and her friends - sounds like it would have been a great time to ask her out. Even if she's shy or reserved, the excitement of the moment could have made a difference. Think of it like this: you spend an hour hanging out with the girl, laughing, joking, having a good time, and you ask her out right then. What's she thinking about? The laughing, the joking, having a good time. Maybe that makes the difference.

It would seem like your chances would be higher after building up a bit of rapport and getting to know each other a little bit first, but I can't help but think that the heat-of-the-moment move would improve your chances. Plus, it makes the segue a little easier ("*laughlaugh* this is fun, we should hang out more often. What are you doing this weekend?")

I've been working on making moves earlier. The first girl I really liked in college, I waited a few months to ask out, seeing her twice a week in class. Didn't work out (I-have-a-boyfriend response). Then, I asked a girl out a week after I realized she liked me. Got her number, called her, nothing. She basically laid out her intentions for me the week before, I missed the signs, and I think that cost me. Just this past semester, I had a great conversation with a really cute girl. Thought about asking her out and decided to wait, and after that got the cold shoulder. Looking back, I'd guess I had a great shot at getting a date had I just asked her that first day. So, next time, I'm going to try my best to move fast =P

 

 

On to hobbies.

Ok, I love baseball as well. If you make the mistake of asking me who played and who won today, there's a great chance you're in for a 5-10 minute ramble about how the third baseman in Oakland deserves an All-Star spot or my opinions what Kuroda shoulda thrown in the fifth with two on and 1 out. Trust me, no girl wants to hear that. And if she does, dibs... haha. But that doesn't mean you can't still make your baseball playing hobby cool. Just a week or two ago, I posted a video of me throwing some breaking balls and a picture wearing catcher's gear. I'm far from good, but they looked pretty cool so I put em up. I got wayyy more responses out of that than I did for the photo album of the electronics project I spent a year designing and a few months building. And most of the people who responded about the pitching were cute girls (granted, taken or too far away, but still, I'd like to think that bodes well). Have a friend take some cool videos of you launchin' some out of the park (read:backyard) like Cabrera and see if girls fawn over that.

 

As for the web-design, you could probably make a pretty cool looking site to show off. Hell, make it for something really weird and use it as a conversation starter. "What's this site for? What the hell is a tiglon?"

Haha or, make it to show off your badass batting skills. Two for one!

 

Basically, you just want to make the things you enjoy sound cool. You have to find ways to present them to make them interesting to people who might not be so interested in the nitty-gritty of em.

 

 

Hope that helps!