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marriage decision


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Old 18th April 2003, 1:12 AM   #1
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marriage decision

Hello All,

I wanted to ask you all for advise regarding my situation with this girl. So it all started with i put my profile on Matrimonial site and and through this venue started talkign to this girl in LA. As i started talking, i felt that she is really nice, intelligent, career oriented girl. I think she is the kind of girl i wanted to date and than marry as she seems to have all I was looking for in a girl.
As what i am looking for in my life partner, I was looking for intelligence, caring nature, decision maker, nice looking,educated, street smart as well as book smart and adjustable in my family and on top of that a girl who has a good heart. Everything appears to be fine in this girl and I can communicate pretty much everythign with this girl and I think she could be a good life partner/friend for me. I mean we have already talked about marriage and she has told me that she will make all kind of compromises to be with me. She will become vegetarian as i am vegetarion and she will give up alcohol and once we marry move along in my family.

On the other hand, this girl is a head of the household as her father passed away and her Mother as she is from india, needs her support financially and in other ways as she has one handicap sister and one younger brother.



Only thing which bothers me is that I was looking for a girl who can financially support me as well as my family and vica versa and not have to support her family as well. May be i am becoming selfish in nature as i think i am just thinking for my good. I also think after marriage, i would need to help her family out and take on some responsibilities which scares me because it takes away my freedom. I mean this girl needs to support her mother and her handicap sister. May be one day they will all need to stay at my place and i would be handling their responsibilites as well. On the other hand i do expect her to be part of my family and be an integral part of my family.

Also i broke up with my ex girlfriend like 1 year ago and I think in back of my mind, i still have friendly feelings for my ex. Although i know that that I would never go back to my EX girlfriend as she is way too crazy and we are too very different people and she doesn't come across my expectations.

I don't know what to do. Should i stop talking to this girl so she doesn't get too attached to me??? and try to date other girls to see if i have a better option. Am i being too selfish and running away from my responsibilities?

I think i am in a dilema of considering my freedom, thinking too much into future and scared if I am gonna be making the right decision. Any advise for Mr confused..

With this confused mind, should i be making any decisions...What should i do.. ?

Plz advise. Thanks.
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Old 18th April 2003, 1:50 AM   #2
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When you find the right person to love, marry and be with for the rest of your life there will be no doubt whatsoever in your mind and you will have no need to ask people on the Internet what they think.

That not being the case, I don't think this current lady is the right person for you.
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Old 18th April 2003, 11:09 AM   #3
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uhm...

the fact that you're beign so rational here is good, but it sounds like you're not in love with this girl at all!

so - i agree w/ T., - you should keep dating.

-yes
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Old 18th April 2003, 11:24 AM   #4
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Quote:
Only thing which bothers me is that I was looking for a girl who can financially support me as well as my family and vica versa and not have to support her family as well.
????? I see, so you are looking for a bank, not a wife? Let me tell you something: Marriage is about reciprocity. I find it hard to believe that you will even be able to find a woman who will pour her earnings into you and your family, and simply neglect her own.

Quote:
May be i am becoming selfish in nature as i think i am just thinking for my good.
Ya think?

Quote:
I also think after marriage, i would need to help her family out and take on some responsibilities which scares me because it takes away my freedom.
This is part of life, and will be part of any woman you choose to marry. Even if you find a woman with no "responsibilities" right now, someone in her family could get into a car accident tomorrow and she may need to step up to the plate. This is part of life. You don't sound anywhere near mature enough to get married if you are still afraid of losing your freedom in this way.

Quote:
May be one day they will all need to stay at my place and i would be handling their responsibilites as well.
Maybe they will, maybe they won't. Maybe you should be grateful to find such a caring, responsible woman who doesn't desert her family when things are not perfect.

Quote:
On the other hand i do expect her to be part of my family and be an integral part of my family.
Hypocrite much? So, let me get this straight...you want whoever you marry to be a big part of your family, but you don't want to reciprocate? What makes your family so special? This just seems extremely selfish to me.

I agree that you don't sound in love with this girl at all. If you loved her, you would take her, her family, and all the rest that comes along with it without a problem. Release her to the universe so she can find a man who really loves her.
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Old 18th April 2003, 12:02 PM   #5
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You never just marry the person -- you marry the family.

My mother moved to Modesto CA a week after I was marred from Houston TX where I lived at the time.

Many years later, she moved back across country to live with us. She has the master suite in our home because it's huge and almost like a small apartment for her. My husband and I took a small bedroom and the smaller bathroom. She's lived with us for over 4 years now.

When my husband and I first discussed her coming to live with us he wasn't too keen on it. What it finally came down to is, [font=century gothic][color=indigo]she's my mother and I'm going to take care of her. Read the fine print in the marriage contract. I'd do the same for any or your side of the family.[/color][/font]

I think you are way too selfish right now to even contemplate marriage. That's not a bad thing as long as you are aware of it and tell the girls you date this. It has no impact on us here on the 'net, but the girl(s) need to know and you need to communicate and be honest with them/her.
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Old 18th April 2003, 12:17 PM   #6
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Say what?

First of all, just because you meet someone on a Matrimonial website, and they seem nice and all that, that sure as heck doesn't mean you know them even remotely well enough to know whether they'd be someone you'd be compatible with "for life." (marriage) I take it you haven't met her in person yet, or spent REAL time together, getting to know one another? If you've never even met, put the thoughts of marriage out of your mind because it's impossible to really know someone "online."

Secondly, you're looking for a woman who can financially support YOU and YOUR FAMILY? Um, what's wrong with you, dude? Can't you work? Can't you support yourself? Why should anyone support YOU? You looking for easy-street or something? Good luck finding ANY woman who's going to be willing to be with someone she has to support from the get go. If you can't get out there and work your butt off and support yourself and your responsibilities (if that means your family, too), then you have no business considering settling down and marrying anyone.

And you should be proud of her, the fact that she's become the head of her house/family.....and is taking on the responsibility of supporting herself and her mom and sister. She sounds like a great gal, and one who's very motivated and ambitious and family-oriented. That's what has to be done in her family, considering her father is not there to support them. It doesn't sound like you dig this too much.

You want a woman who will support YOU and YOUR FAMILY, but you don't like the idea of having to help HER and HER FAMILY? WHat's up with that? Yes, that's very selfish. Relationships, particularly marriage, are supposed to be a give and take, two-way street....where both people in the marriage work TOGETHER to support themselves and their responsibilities (family, etc).

What age are you?
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Old 18th April 2003, 12:23 PM   #7
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To: Just A Girl2

Frankly, I wouldn't mind meeting a kind, sweet, beautiful, thoughtful, forgiving, sexy, understanding woman who would support me. Sounds like a pretty good idea!
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Old 19th April 2003, 3:49 AM   #8
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Tell ya what, confused. Just become a gigolo. You get sex and money and no commitment. Mind you, the lady you service won't want to take care of your family.

Are you for real? This is a hoax, right? Surely no living human could be that clueless about what marriage is supposed to be, could they?
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Old 19th April 2003, 2:18 PM   #9
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Hello All, thanks for your reply.

I am currently 25 and I also think i am not mature for marriage decision. One think i wanted to mention is that I do think i love and respect this girl and whenever i spend time with her I think she is the girl i would like to marry. Since this is more of a long distance relationship, that kind of makes it little harder to spend more quality time with her and get to know her better personally.

However, the question above i asked is what My family kinda wants me to do.

They suggest me that when you do make marriage decisions.. Think of your mind and then your heart. And above reason is what my family thinks..

They kinda want to make sure that everything is perfect right from the beginning..and then in future if you do have problems, then as a Man you do take care of them.

Well thanks for all the advises..and opening my eyes..
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Old 21st April 2003, 8:02 PM   #10
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I'm confused, Confused...

for a minute there I wondered if this post was for real. You're talking marriage with someone you've never met? She is willing to change her life for someone she has never met either? And then you want her to support you financially??? It sounds like she has her hands full with her own family, and in her culture, family means more than anything. Before you consider pursuing anything with this girl, you need to know more about her culture, and about your reasons for wanting to get married.
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Old 21st April 2003, 8:05 PM   #11
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I may have misunderstood

It sounds like you have met and spent time with this girl. But still, marriage is difficult enough without jumping into blended cultures and money and family challenges, especially with doubts at the outset. If you're only 25, you've got plenty of time to get yourself financially stable and emotionally ready for the responsibility of taking on a life mate.
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Old 21st April 2003, 10:18 PM   #12
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I wonder if I read this incorrectly. Do you mean to say that you are looking for someone who is ABLE to support you and your family should an emergency arise, and not be totally dependent on you for financial support? And that you would be able to support her and her family in case of an emergency?

It did sounds rather like you are looking for someone to support you and your family so that you would not have to, but I think it's just the way you worded it.

I agree with the others in that it doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage, but I do think it is good for you to think about these things and set your priorities in the order that best suits you. This way, when you do meet the right woman, you will have a better idea of how to tell if you two are compatible. If your highest priorities don't match the relationship will have lots of problems.
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Old 22nd April 2003, 1:34 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally posted by TM7
I wonder if I read this incorrectly. Do you mean to say that you are looking for someone who is ABLE to support you and your family should an emergency arise, and not be totally dependent on you for financial support? And that you would be able to support her and her family in case of an emergency?

It did sounds rather like you are looking for someone to support you and your family so that you would not have to, but I think it's just the way you worded it.
Yes you are correct, I worded it incorrectly. I am a man and I know i do got to take care of my lady and her needs but like you mentioned I mean I would like a career oriented lady and together we build our nest. Also i wouldn't mind helping/supporting her and her family if the need arise.

Quote:

I agree with the others in that it doesn't sound like you are ready for marriage, but I do think it is good for you to think about these things and set your priorities in the order that best suits you. This way, when you do meet the right woman, you will have a better idea of how to tell if you two are compatible. If your highest priorities don't match the relationship will have lots of problems.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 22nd April 2003 at 1:07 PM.. Reason: Fixed BB Code.
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Old 23rd April 2003, 2:59 PM   #14
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i really can't tell if you are just making this up to get people all mad or if you are truly the fool you sound to be. what on earth makes you think you want to be married and that someone would be dumb enough to hook up with someone like you? you sound absolutely selfish and, please help me here, just what do you think you have to offer in return???? unless you grow up and take to heart what clia, pinkroses, moimeme, justagirl2 and hokeyreligions said, it doesn't matter who you marry, it will fail and it will be your fault. you sound like a toxic person to me... not just as a spouse, but as a friend too. i recommend you speak to a therapist (maybe you will believe someone with credentials telling you the same stuff i'm saying) if you want a nice person to be attracted to you. this girl might give you a chance now, but after a while she will realize she deserves more and dump you.
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Old 23rd April 2003, 3:05 PM   #15
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i also recommend Should I Get Married? by Blaine Smith. maybe that will help you resolve your stand on whether or not you are ready, 'cos it sounds you're not ready to give up single life.
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