Searching ...

[murphomatic]

So - a disclaimer. This is long, a bit rambling, a probably contains more details and information than necessary to posit my situation and question. Continue on at your own peril, brave reader.

 

I'd say that I've been unsuccessfully trying to find someone lately, but that would be an understatement... No "lately" about it .. it's been about 10 years that I've been "in search of".

 

I'm 33 now and am starting to feel a bit hopeless about a family someday .. something I always envisioned that I'd be a part of by now. I've had girlfriends over the years, but only two of which I could ever honestly say I was in love with. The first, S, was a ghost from the past of highschool lore. I had a light crush on her back then, asked her out once even... we hung out from time to time - a movie, or I'd occasionally walk her to school - even kissed one warm autumn night at her best friend's birthday party in '91.

 

I found out gradually over the course of a couple weeks that she was actually juggling several guys, one of which was a school friend of mine who happend to be volunteering as an outdoor school counselor along with me. Imagine the look of surprise when we both sat down to write letters back home, and found we were writing to the same girl! Ha! We laughed a bit about it, and she picked a guy to be with, which was neither of us.

 

Set the fast-forward machine for 6-7 years. School comes and goes, I start a career, move out of state, and she was the literally the last girl I kissed. The humidity and lack of scenery in the gulf state where I moved began to wear on me, and I pined for the cool temps and mountains scenes of Oregon, so I moved back home. I arranged a job to start almost immediately upon my arrival. The first day into the office, imagine my shock when the secretary I see at the front desk was S's best friend - the girl whose birthday we were at when we first kissed years ago. It was great to see her and we reminisced about days past. I asked if she ever still saw S, and if so - how she was doing.

 

Slowly over the course of 8 months or so, I started to get to know S again through her friend, we all went out often, and my best friend wound up involved with S's best friend; things between us all just began to click. Ironically enough, one warm autumn night as one of my famous "Italian Night" parties was winding down, S and I sat and talked about old times, had some wine, some laughs, and I admitted (semi-drunkenly) to her that I hadn't kissed a girl since. With a look of astonishment she embraced me, and we kissed again for the first time in years. We went out a few more times, and eventually became an official couple. We dated for about a year before she moved in with me, and I asked her to marry me, she accepted. Things began to go downhill shortly afterwards. From my perspective, she seemed to grow colder in the relationship. She eventually left despite my pleas for her not to go, that she was everything I dreamed of. She said she was never "in love" with me, and had only dated me out of pity. It wasn't but a few weeks before she became involved with a guy she worked with, and eventually married him. I suspect she had her eye on him before she left me.

 

She called up one day a lifetime later, wanting me to go to this "class" with her for something called "Landmark". I only had to attend an intro course, and sponser her next course for $300. I refused and she retorted that she thought I was her friend. I politely, but firmly, explained to her that someone who left me broken so many years ago, calling up out of the blue and essentially asking for money was not someone I would call "a friend". That if she wanted to be part of my life again, she'd have to stick to more traditional methods. I never spoke with her again, but continued to think of my old life with her, and how happy I was with her in the time before it fell apart. I felt like I could never love someone again, that my heart was sold to someone that didn't want or respect it, and would never return my love.

 

About this time, I became casually involved with a girl who was part my group and, over the course of many years that the group tight-knit, had dated a couple of the guys in the crowd. Things may not have worked out in those situations, but everyone remained friends, and the group carried on like always. Except when our involvement became more than casual. It took a little time, but I was amazed to find feelings for this girl that I didn't think I'd be capable of again. Eventually I honestly fell in love with her. At this point, one of her ex-boyfriends in the group became jealous and wanted her back. Apparently, she never really got over him in the first place and decided to switch horses. I found this out by walking in on them in bed together one NYE party. They're married now with 2 kids. That was 7 years ago. I think about her from time to time but more often and lately find my mind wandering back to S, even dreaming of her from time to time. Always dreams where we are together like we were in the good times, and I wake up sad realizing where I am.

 

I've had a couple longish and several short-lived relationships since the "friend incident" - but none have ever invoked what I consider to be "'love". One had the lowest self-esteem I've ever seen someone have (which was so sad because she really was beautiful and intelligent - an RN, but for reasons unbeknownst to me, she absolutely hated herself. My efforts to convince her of how awesome she truly was were somehow twisted around into sources of resentment and she would suspect every compliment or input from me as thinly veiled insults that she probably deserved anyway..very bizarre), another had no sense of "family" and wasn't looking for that eventuality, and held some sort of spite for me because I AM close to mine.

 

I decided to check out match.com for the heck of it. Apparently I'm a real toad - I've had a membership so far for 8 months, all my winks or emails get the sound of chirping crickets or the canned, middle-finger "no thanks" response. I can't say "all" -- I did meet one girl, and we dated for a few months. She was exceptionally beautiful, but it quickly became apparent that she was carrying a heavy load of baggage, had the mental acuity of an 8 year old, and got a twisted thrill out of creating overly dramatic scenes, voicing absurd demands, and wanting her and I to immediately get married. I couldn't see myself there, so put an end to it. I've met one other from the site just very recently. We had dinner and good conversation one night, then went out again a couple weeks later, where I was sternly lectured for not being more available to her...along with some other lecture about how I was violating some law that she was blatantly wrong, but insistent about. That left me feeling a bit weirded out, so I've not called her back and don't know that I will.

 

So, this brings me to the point of wondering "what the hell is the matter with me?". It seems over the past 6 or 7 years, 99% of the women I find myself attracted to won't give me the time of day, and the 1% that do all turn out to have some crazy hangup - like keeping a dead cat in the freezer. I've gone out with a few ladies that I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to right off the bat, but they seemed intelligent and stable...and they've turned out to have even more weirdness than the rest, just better skills at hiding it initially!

 

I guess it's a two-part question:

 

Am I too old to hope for someone who's relatively baggage-free? I'm realistic and know that life happens to all of us ... but c'mon! All I want is to find someone that's reasonably attractive (my tastes are fairly broad and I don't always judge a book by its cover), has more than 2 neurons on speaking-terms, can hold down a job, has some dreams and goals, enjoys some things we mutually like, and respects me as a person and not her "project du jour", present only to be shaped and molded under her firm tutelage. It'd also be nice if she didn't have a criminal record longer than she is tall and didn't spend every free moment pickled in vodka.

 

I feel so spun around. I've spent a lot of time being single in my life, and really don't have a problem with being alone - I like myself as a person just fine. But if I could somehow reach the level of happiness with someone like I felt with S ten years ago, I'd give up being alone in a heartbeat. Which is my 2nd question - is that something I could ever hope to obtain again, or does maintaining that vision sabotage anything I attempt in the present?

 

Anyway...it's late and I fear I've rambled to a state of incoherency. Opinions are welcomed..

[deejaylove]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

 

I think you should get off the internet and try to meet some women at the places you like to hang out.

[murphomatic]

I appreciate the responses, but I fear I've given the impression that I sit around on my butt all day long in front of the computer... this is very much NOT the case - I'm out and about quite a bit, and meet plenty of people. There just seems to be a consistent, underlying theme of lacking quality to the point of driving me to disinterest romantically. Whether it's lifestyle, intelligence, personality, appearance, or tendencies toward drama, I just haven't yet found someone I can jive with in those areas.

 

I guess the basic question of the book I posted is this: Is it stupid of me to expect/desire the same kind of love I found when I was young? Or as you grow older, does the definition of love change in a way that broadens your ideals? I guess I'm having a hard time convincing myself to "settle."

[BoerumHill]

The nine paragraph catharsis that precedes the part I'm quoting was probably helpful to you at some level. Listen, by the time you get to your early 30s, pretty everyone has had relationships that were good, bad, indifferent or just plain dysfunctional. It doesn't define who you are. They are experiences, and every experience you have in life has value - if you learn something from it, if you take something from it, or gave something of yourself, it was worthwhile. Seriously.

 

BTW, do you have any really good friends who are totally honest with you? Because if you do, you should extract a promise along the lines of "If I ever say 'I am starting to feel a bit hopeless', would please either throw a glass of water in my face, or slap me. Thanks in advance."

 

OK, on to the present...

 

I decided to check out match.com for the heck of it. Apparently I'm a real toad - I've had a membership so far for 8 months, all my winks or emails get the sound of chirping crickets or the canned, middle-finger "no thanks" response. I can't say "all" -- I did meet one girl, and we dated for a few months. She was exceptionally beautiful, but it quickly became apparent that she was carrying a heavy load of baggage, had the mental acuity of an 8 year old, and got a twisted thrill out of creating overly dramatic scenes, voicing absurd demands, and wanting her and I to immediately get married. I couldn't see myself there, so put an end to it. I've met one other from the site just very recently. We had dinner and good conversation one night, then went out again a couple weeks later, where I was sternly lectured for not being more available to her...along with some other lecture about how I was violating some law that she was blatantly wrong, but insistent about. That left me feeling a bit weirded out, so I've not called her back and don't know that I will.

 

So, this brings me to the point of wondering "what the hell is the matter with me?". It seems over the past 6 or 7 years, 99% of the women I find myself attracted to won't give me the time of day, and the 1% that do all turn out to have some crazy hangup - like keeping a dead cat in the freezer. I've gone out with a few ladies that I wasn't necessarily physically attracted to right off the bat, but they seemed intelligent and stable...and they've turned out to have even more weirdness than the rest, just better skills at hiding it initially!

 

I guess it's a two-part question:

 

Am I too old to hope for someone who's relatively baggage-free? I'm realistic and know that life happens to all of us ... but c'mon! All I want is to find someone that's reasonably attractive (my tastes are fairly broad and I don't always judge a book by its cover), has more than 2 neurons on speaking-terms, can hold down a job, has some dreams and goals, enjoys some things we mutually like, and respects me as a person and not her "project du jour", present only to be shaped and molded under her firm tutelage. It'd also be nice if she didn't have a criminal record longer than she is tall and didn't spend every free moment pickled in vodka.

 

I feel so spun around. I've spent a lot of time being single in my life, and really don't have a problem with being alone - I like myself as a person just fine. But if I could somehow reach the level of happiness with someone like I felt with S ten years ago, I'd give up being alone in a heartbeat. Which is my 2nd question - is that something I could ever hope to obtain again, or does maintaining that vision sabotage anything I attempt in the present?

 

Anyway...it's late and I fear I've rambled to a state of incoherency. Opinions are welcomed..

 

Alright, the mixed bag experience at Match.com just comes with the territory. I don't know what to label it...Kiss a lot of Frogs Theory? But it's not just that site, you'll find the same thing (IMO) if you try Yahoo Personals or eHarmony or networking through friends (the latter tends to be a pretty shallow pool).

 

The first Q, is it unrealistic, at your age, to find someone baggage free?

 

WTF does that mean?

 

Did want a virgin in a flowing white dress? An emotional virgin who has never felt pain? Obviously that's not what you meant. But ask yourself, what do you mean by that? You don't have to answer me, it may or may not be apparent when you first think about it. Chew it over for awhile.

 

In my experience, the 30-39 bracket is when people start moving significantly closer to self-actualization. A lot of times this occurs after major trauma or loss or failed relationships. It doesn't happen by some magic potion or writing yourself positive affirmations on postit notes strategically placed around your apartment. Sometimes it takes a fair amount of work, and a whole lot of talking it out (which may or may not be with a professional...awesome friends often fulfill this role quite nicely).

 

Anyway, yeah, I'd say the odds are pretty good that if that what you want is someone who is emotionally balanced, someone you find attractive, someone who is compatiable, sure you can find someone like that. You deserve that. You believe you deserve that. You do feel that way about yourself, correct? You believe you should not have to settle?

 

I kinda of think we usually get exactly what matches our expectations. Not always, but life is like that.

 

If you have high expectations for yourself you don't stop short and say 'good enough'. If you have some issues that you are hanging onto that are affecting your self-image, your self-esteem, your self-worth...you'll probably end up with the kind of person you internally feel like you deserve.

 

Part II: Will your heart ever go pitter patter again?

 

Do you want it to?

 

I noticed when you asked if you could hope to attain that again, you completed the sentence with:

 

or does maintaining that vision sabotage anything I attempt in the present?

 

Whatchathink?

 

Maybe I'm just a simpleton, but when someone asks advice and throws in that kind of qualifier, I feel like the best thing to do is repeat back what the other person just said.

 

You liked the way you felt with S; it's in your top two loves of your lifetime right now. REALLY? Hmmm...

 

Maybe you should think about her character, integrity, level of committment, faithfulness, levelheadedness (is that a word), et al.

 

List out all the things she did that were questionable or just flat out wrong. Then ask yourself if that is the best you deserve.

 

I think not; and I think you should be very hopeful for the future. Because one day you will meet someone who will blow away S in every aspect. Then you'll laugh and wonder why you ever thought she was so great.

 

I wish you well.

[murphomatic]

Thanks for the reply BoerumHill - great post, great perspective.

 

The first Q, is it unrealistic, at your age, to find someone baggage free?

 

WTF does that mean?

 

Did want a virgin in a flowing white dress?

LOL - no, I wasn't going for something quite that pure. I guess when I think of "baggage," I'm thinking more in the realm of "takes 37 meds to unsuccessfully counter her bi-polarism, and still manages to cut her wrists at least 3x a month" or other serious psychological and/or social issues. Someone that has had a few relationships and all the ups & downs in life that entails, even to the extent of children and ex-spouses that still play an active role in the kids' lives etc., is a-ok in my book... where are those people hiding? I seem to be good at locating the ones who put more effort into stealing the utensils out of the restaurant than they do in pursuing goals of a more noble nature ... like a career ... or even paying the damn bills on time. It just got me thinking "dang - if you're 30+ and still single, do you enter a new, special class of fnktuptitude? Is this something I should just expect and deal with accordingly?"

 

Most of all, I think when I wrote the above, I was just feeling down and throwing myself a pity party. I went back at one point to edit the original post in an effort to summarize and remove some of the "woe is me" crap, but apparently this board will only let you edit your posts for a short period of time before they become set in stone... oh well. I wrote it, I should take what I got coming for doing it.

 

Thanks again though, your post was straight-up, honest, and correct. I totally appreciate that and will consider what you've said carefully.

[purgatori]

If you are what women are looking for, i.e. a macho jerk, then you can take your pick; and the reality is that there are lot of great women out there who have that one fatal flaw woven into their biological makeup that will work in your favor. If not then, yeah, you're going to have to "settle" for what you can find after scraping the bottom of the barrel. Simple as that.

[peteyj]

I think the first thing you need to do is stop hoping everybody is 'the love of your life' so to speak. I never get this theory and it's probably why I try to meet or date people younger than I am. If something happens along the way and I meet somebody great, then great, but if not it's all about enjoying life and meeting new people. If I go on a first or second date with a person who starts thinking about marriage, I'm probably going to be long gone and out the door so to speak. As far as who you meet, you're not the only person meeting crazy people, weird people, people without goals or jobs, etc etc etc. I can't tell you how many women I've met between the ages of 24-36 who have college degrees yet are content at working as a pt waitress or cashier and have no future aspirations. Nothing wrong with any of this until you learn they really don't seem to want to do anything with their life. And if you are a person who sees bigger things for yours, it'll never work out..Unless it's just looking for a few night stands.

 

Don't worry about who you meet. Meet as many people as you can, date as many, and enjoy the conversations. You can even learn something from crazy dates.

 

As far as match, well that site is useless to me. I have no problem getting a number from some random attractive female I meet on a train or in a store or at a bar yet on those dating sites, it's just a waste of my time. Heck eharmony basically made me fill out the entire questionnaire only to inform me I'm one of so many who they can't find matches for. I couldn't even browse that damn site. So to me those dating sites are a waste of time and useless. I can get plenty of numbers and wind up with dates if I want just by going to the grocery store, etc. I won't say i meet the non crazy people, but it's all about meeting new people. Don't make it some "have to find the one". Just have fun.