alwayswondering Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 We have been engaged 2 weeks and our relationship has taken a turn for the worst. We were talking about wedding planning and we both want completely different things. It's my first and his second. He is dead set on having his favorite color (teal green) and I despise it, he thinks the groomsmen and bridesmaides should not match but should "clash", and wants an extremely small wedding since he has no friends/family but I have tons of friends and family and many lifelong friends I would never dream of not sharing this day with. I think it is more of the bride's decision, not the grooms. He has to have control over every little detail. I didn't think men were supposed to care this much. It's making me miserbale and have second thoughts. I have dreamed of my wedding day since I was a little girl, and he is asking me to sacrifice everything that is important to me. He says I won't compromise but some of these things are black and white, no middle ground. Am seriously thinking of calling off whole thing and having doubts. Not because of wedding issues, but because he is being controlling and he says I have to have it my way or thr highway. What do ya'll think. Isn't it more MY day????? yes, he should be happy but it is the bride's decision I have always heard. He has something to say about everything. Am I being selfish? I don't think it is too much to ask to have my lifelong friends share my wedding day, even though he has none, I shoud not be punished for that. Please help Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 If you can't work together as a team to organize a wedding, it doesn't bode well for the rest of the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 I don't quite get it. IF you're unable to organise your wedding as you bot want, call for a wedding planner and let her decide. Not your way nor his way. the third party's way. Lol, I'm joking. COMPROMISE, otherwise it'll never work!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted August 26, 2005 Share Posted August 26, 2005 Originally posted by tngirl1976 I think it is more of the bride's decision, not the grooms. Isn't it more MY day????? Wow... I guess it's just me, but this is disturbing... Why is it more YOUR day? Why is it more YOUR decision on whats best and/or acceptable then your Fiance's? I'm not trying to sound harsh here, but let me point out a few things.... 1) The Wedding doesn't make or break the MARRIAGE... regardless of what colour the wedding party wears. 2) Getting Married means the BOTH of you are ready, willing and able to support one another in whats for the Good of BOTH... 3) It really isn't going to matter who was there or who wasn't in the bigger picture of things of the 2 people getting married are to selfish and/or self absorbed in making themself happy then in doing what makes BOTH happy... While having a nice wedding is good to go, IMO it needs to be about whats important to BOTH people and IMO the Bride is not more or less important than her Groom.... My 2 cent's Link to post Share on other sites
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 Back the truck up and just enjoy being engaged for a while. It's not a day you are planning for, it's a marriage and hopefully it will last more than a day at this rate. You both need to compromise. If the colour is important to him, let him pick the colour but in return he should let you decide how many guests to have. That's fair.....right? Link to post Share on other sites
Vega Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 How you work this out sounds like good preparation for how you handle the really serious issues you will face in a marriage. It's BOTH of your wedding - BOTH need to compromise to find solutions that will work for BOTH of you. One of you giving in to the other is not a compromise. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 27, 2005 Share Posted August 27, 2005 The last thing you need in your life is to call off the marriage because of the wedding misunderstandings. Now you say it's your day, tomorrow you'll say it's your marriage, your kids, and guys shouldn't care so much. Well he does. If he didn't you would complain that he doesn't. If you marry him, you will have many disagreements in life. It's not about what you get but how you get it. Is the wedding you dream of worth the pain? Worth calling it off? Will you rather dump him and marry someone who will agree with you on how the wedding should look? You will never find a person who will agree with you 100% on everything. Yes, you are being selfish. And he is being selfish too. Regarding the number of guests, I think if you (or your parents) are paying for everyone then you can invite whomever you want. But if he is paying for the wedding then you have no right to bring 100 people while he has invited 5 people. It's simple as that. As Curly said, a compromise and friendly approach is the key to your problem. You should divide the wedding in small "tasks". For example, you pick the color, he picks the place, you pick the flowers, he picks the food. Enjoy the planning together. When you know that you'r in charge for the color, pick his favorite color and he will pick your favorite food. Love is about giving, not taking! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Like the others say, his feelings/opinions do count. and you do need to compromise. but so does HE! I get the feeling maybe you both aren't willing to compromise much. I can understand you being concerned if he is totally controlling and unwilling to compromise and give and take. Just make sure you arent also doing that to him. i know what a big deal a wedding can be, having married this year myself. you need to talk..find out a way to have a day you both will be happy with. That may mean it isnt the "perfect" version for either of you, if you have such differering ideas...but remember, the wedding is just the wedding...the marriage is what really matters. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Originally posted by tngirl1976 he is being controlling and he says I have to have it my way or thr highway. Just as selfish as this person: Isn't it more MY day????? it is the bride's decision I have always heard. He has something to say about everything. He has "something" to say about EVERYTHING. So basically he is not allowed to say "something", but only nothing. Actually I should put it this way: he is allowed to do anything as long as you approve it. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 the ironic thing is, that among people i know, they all wanted their fiance to be more involved, and complained because their man wasnt involved enough! and yet here we have a man very involved, when his fiancee would prefer he stayed out of it. funny that. seems to happen though. women THINK they want their man more involved, but when he puts in his 2 cents, they often disagree with his view, and wish he'd stay out of it ( i also saw that happen a lot to friends). my man contributed to big decision, and even some small ones, and i always heartily welcomed his feedback. Might have been a different story if our views and wishes had clashed though! let us know how you get on. talk. compromise. empathise. respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 There's being involved and then there's taking over and making demands with no compromise. This guy isn't 'involved'. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 true enough. i simply meant that it's often hard to get a middle ground. either too much, or not enough. Link to post Share on other sites
CurlyIam Posted August 28, 2005 Share Posted August 28, 2005 Sorry to be hijacking this thread, but it's quite important: This is for Thinkalot: Girl, clear up your inbox, will ya? I've been unsuccessfully trying to contact you for quite some time ! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 30, 2005 Share Posted August 30, 2005 sorry! didnt know it was full...will empty it now, then you can PM away Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted August 30, 2005 Author Share Posted August 30, 2005 thanks for the advice, I agree I may be being a little selfish, but I guess I just never imagined I would be fighting with my fiance about the wedding day. I mean, things that are extremely important to me, he does not want any part of, such as he wants a teeny tiny ceremony and a big reception becuase he is uncomfortable standing up in front of lots of people, I have like 100 times more friends than him and he says there can't be one soul at the ceremony that he does not know, and will freak out if there is someone there he has not met, and I wanted a flower girl/ring bearer and he does not want any kids there at all, much less in the wedding. Our relationship was fine until we began talking about this, I mean, we had our little fights here and there but nothing major, and my parents are paying for the whole thing and this is his second marriage, my first........I am so confused, I don't know what to do. It has given me serious doubts. My mother is irate about this and is telling me she will not support me if I marry him. I am supposed to be happy and instead I am miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 gee that sounds tough. I think he needs to compromise a bit, and so do you. find a middle ground. you might not be able to have all the friends you want, if it makes him so uncomfortable...but he also needs to respect your feelings and maybe make some allowances on the amount of people he can handle having there. as for the flowergirl thing- why does he not want any kids? is this going to be an area of conflict down the road? ie.. does he want to have kids of his own. or, is it that the kids aren't anyone you are both close to...but just there, because you want a flowergirl. I think if you are close to the kids (ie niece etc) it's a lovely thing to involve them. but thats my choice. these differences might run deeper than the wedding itself, in terms of your outlook on things. have you talked about that? your mum needs to butt out in my opinion and support you. everyone is different. he might seriously be really anxious about the big crowd. some people are. you need to respect that too. there is no easy solution other than talking and both being big enough to put the others wishes above your own on some things. in the end, that is what marriage is about anyway. you will encounter many more obstacles and disagreements down the track. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveIsCrazy Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 I can see how this would be a difficult situation. My boyfriend and I have talked about getting married and have discussed ideas for a wedding and we have differing opinions on a lot of things. But we decided to compromise because it is just one day that we are doing this and we will have much tougher things that we will be butting heads over in the years to come. He wants and open bar I don't, he wants a big wedding I want a small one, he wants a sit down dinner I want a buffet, he wanted a mixture of colors I wanted various shades of pink. So far we have compromised to have the bar and the sit down dinner and will be having a mid sized wedding and I will be getting my pink . There are some of the ideas I have that he doesn't care about so I get my way, there are things that he wants that I don't care about so he gets his way. Marriage is about compromise so if you can't find a middle ground for you wedding day, it might get pretty tough down the road. Good luck, and I hope that you are able to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted August 31, 2005 Author Share Posted August 31, 2005 well, as far as the kids thing, he does want kids and is great wth kids, which is why this shocked me so much. He says he does not think it is appropriate for kids to be at a wedding ceremony, that it is an adult event. As a whole, there would only be about 3 kids total there anyways, 2 of which are over 10 and know how to behave. I think he is just being stubborn and is feeling insecure becuase I have a lot more friends to invite than he does. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted August 31, 2005 Share Posted August 31, 2005 Well, i have known people to choose to have an adults only wedding...thinking also, that kids arent appropriate at a wedding. I can see that point of view. But if there are kids you are close to, and they can behave, it can be a nice thing to have them there. We had my husband's niece, a 3 year old as a flowergirl, and she added to the day. I guess you'll need to sort that out too. Maybe write things down, and each make concessions...a give and take. ie..ok..you can have this...and in turn, can I please have this? neither of you will be 100% happy with such differing views, but at least you'll compromise. Weddings can be tricky things, when people have strong ideas. I wish you luck sorting it out. Like others have said, you need to be able to organise this and find a way, because bigger things will emerge once you are married. good luck. I know it must be stressful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted September 1, 2005 Share Posted September 1, 2005 I think you guys should get one of those "100 questions for couples" books and have a lot of discussions before you continue all the planning. It seems like you are discovering some things about him during the planning that you might want to consider very thoughtfully before you commit any further. If not, you really need to open up about how important your wedding is to you. And how important it is to share this day with your friends and family. Then figure out the major impasses and compromises to each one. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
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