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he is not sure about marrying me


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Old 27th October 2017, 10:29 AM   #1
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he is not sure about marrying me

Hello!
I hope you guys can share with me your opinions. I am in a lot of emotional pain right now (PMSing and having this issue isn’t helping). Here we go:
I am 29 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 9 months. The relationship has had its ups and downs (I guess like any other relationship). Last year I was diagnosed with pelvic tuberculosis. This disease was very active in my body to the point that I accumulated 10 pounds of fluid in my pelvic area.

My boyfriend was very supportive during that time, which surprised me a lot because by that time we had been together for only 6 months. He went through all that pain with me. Doctors and studies say that women that have had this disease have a small chance of getting pregnant in the future. Doctors even advised me to start trying to get pregnant as soon as possible. They say that the only way to see if I have fertility issues is if I have been trying for at least 6 months without succeeding.

A little of medical history: My right ovary seems to be very damaged, this would not be an issue if my left side was ok, but unfortunately my left fallopian tube is damaged as well. This is all caused by the Tuberculosis.

I never felt the necessity of getting married and having kids at this age. I always wanted to focus on my professional life first and then think about marriage or kids (maybe in my 30s). I feel the circumstances represent a lot of pressure for me right now. I want to have a family… this is important for me. It never was before, but it means a lot to me right now. I need to find out if I have to start a fertility plan. Before I get older … seems like 35 is when (biologically) changes of getting pregnant decrease, so changes of succeeding with a fertility plan.

During the last months I have been trying to see what my boyfriend’s plans are in terms of committing for life and/or having kids. This question has been a monthly discussion for the last 6 months. I try to not think about it, but at least once a month the thought comes and I just ask’ “Do see a future together?” “Do you ever want us to have kids?” …His answer is always: “I am not sure if we are going to be together in the future” or “I don’t know If we are ever having kids” Those answers really break my heart. I know! I know I should not waste one more ounce of dignity by asking those questions, but hey! I love him. We have been together for a long time (at least long enough for me), he knows this is important for me, he know about the problem, and we spend together 5 or 6 out 7 days a week.

How he doesn’t know? Sometimes he also says things like: “when we get married”, “when we have kids together” or “our future house”, but as soon as I ask those comments do not exist anymore. He just gives me the “I don’t know” or “I am not sure” answer.
I always think that if a friend or my sister will come to me with the same issue I would say’ “He does know and the answer is NO. Let him go or start getting prepared for a breakup”. It is hard to put in practice this advice when it is your own self the one that is in love and hurting.

Have any of you ever experience an issue like this one? If not, what would you do? Will you wait and see what happens? Or would you just leave? I would appreciate all your comments.
Please forgive me about the grammar.
Thank you all!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 2nd November 2017 at 10:56 AM.. Reason: Paragraphs
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:54 AM   #2
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You're nearing 30, well into adulthood, and have been together for over a year and a half. At this point, you should both pretty much know if this relationship is heading toward marriage and children. You're right. If the answer isn't "Yes!", it's "No." What you do with that information is up to you, but think carefully because your fertility is already questionable and is likely to become even more questionable as time passes.

As to what I'd do, well.. I think I'd have the talk. "SO, I love you and I want to marry you and start making babies while I still have even a slim chance of conceiving. If that fails, I'd like to <adopt/foster/get some dogs or cats/ whatever you want to do>. We're both long past the age of maturity and should know by now what we want from life. I want marriage and a family. So, are you all in or not?" If he's not, cut your losses. Some pain now while you are young enough to start over is better than the same pain later when you are older, your age appropriate dating pool is smaller, and you've invested years.
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Last edited by MJJean; 27th October 2017 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 27th October 2017, 11:06 AM   #3
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I can't believe I've never heard of pelvic tuberculosis. I consider myself to be very educated on women's health issues and infertility in particular! Wow, I'm sorry you had this happen.

As hard as it might be to do it, I think you need to try to separate your feelings about your fertility/having a family, from your romantic relationship. Your ticking biological clock, knowledge that it may be very difficult to conceive, and desire to be a mother may be clouding your judgment here.

The good news is that this is 2017, not 1970, so there are a lot of options to help overcome issues with fertility, so time isn't so much of an enemy.

My advice would be to try to put those issues aside and focus on whether or not you're getting what you need out of this relationship.
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Old 27th October 2017, 11:50 AM   #4
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As to what I'd do, well.. I think I'd have the talk. "SO, I love you and I want to marry you and start making babies while I still have even a slim chance of conceiving. If that fails, I'd like to <adopt/foster/get some dogs or cats/ whatever you want to do>. We're both long past the age of maturity and should know by now what we want from life. I want marriage and a family. So, are you all in or not?" If he's not, cut your losses. Some pain now while you are young enough to start over is better than the same pain later when you are older, your age appropriate dating pool is smaller, and you've invested years.
I have tried to do that. I have communicated the importance of this "issue" I don't know how many times, but I keep getting I don't knows . This is really throwing my ego to the floor. I feel I keep loosing my dignity and I don't understand why I am missing? like just not good enough for him?
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Old 27th October 2017, 11:52 AM   #5
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I can't believe I've never heard of pelvic tuberculosis. I consider myself to be very educated on women's health issues and infertility in particular! Wow, I'm sorry you had this happen.
It is very rare in the US, but I am actually from South America. You can get it if you are in frequent contact with a person who has tuberculosis. There is not even as much hopeful information available online. It hurts!
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Old 27th October 2017, 12:37 PM   #6
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I have tried to do that. I have communicated the importance of this "issue" I don't know how many times, but I keep getting I don't knows . This is really throwing my ego to the floor. I feel I keep loosing my dignity and I don't understand why I am missing? like just not good enough for him?
If you keep asking one sided questions like "do you want to get married?" You can expect the same one sided answers. You need to actually communicate with him and discuss the WHOLE issue. Ask him what he feels when you talk about future plans, and what he wants in the future with his life. Does it even include you?
Tell him him that you are in love with him, and want to progress this relationship to "forever". You want to grow old with him etc.... Make sure to communicate that he is safe with you and honest answers are appreciated. No matter what he says. You will get the answer you need, and he will give this relationship a push that it needs...One way or the other.
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Old 27th October 2017, 1:18 PM   #7
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If you keep asking one sided questions like "do you want to get married?" You can expect the same one sided answers. You need to actually communicate with him and discuss the WHOLE issue. Ask him what he feels when you talk about future plans, and what he wants in the future with his life. Does it even include you?
Tell him him that you are in love with him, and want to progress this relationship to "forever". You want to grow old with him etc.... Make sure to communicate that he is safe with you and honest answers are appreciated. No matter what he says. You will get the answer you need, and he will give this relationship a push that it needs...One way or the other.
I actually said that too... I have said I am in love with him, I want to plan a future together (forever), etc, etc. He still says he doesn't know.
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Old 27th October 2017, 3:24 PM   #8
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At some point "I don't know" becomes I like you but not enough & I'm content with the way things are.


I stuck around with a non-committal man for 10 years; gave him my 20s & child bearing years only to wake up at 25 & realize it was never gonna happen.


Given how much you will probably struggle to get pregnant, I'd give him maybe another 6 months but don't waste too much time.


Best wishes. Do consider adoption which is not as easy as you think or maybe surrogacy with borrowed ovaries.
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Old 27th October 2017, 4:10 PM   #9
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You say that the relationship has had it's ups and downs. Thing is, many good relationships don't actually experience them. I'd like to make sure you're not writing off important issues as being minor.

Tell us about the ups and downs. And have they all been resolved?
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Old 27th October 2017, 11:28 PM   #10
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I have tried to do that. I have communicated the importance of this "issue" I don't know how many times, but I keep getting I don't knows . This is really throwing my ego to the floor. I feel I keep loosing my dignity and I don't understand why I am missing? like just not good enough for him?
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Originally Posted by techi14 View Post
I actually said that too... I have said I am in love with him, I want to plan a future together (forever), etc, etc. He still says he doesn't know.
I don't know, especially in these circumstances, means that he may care very much for you, but he has no firm plans of marrying you. Now, you need to decide if you want to stay in this relationship for however long it lasts and risk losing your fertility for a man who may never marry you or leave the relationship and seek out a compatible man who wants to make you his wife and mother of his children.
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Old 28th October 2017, 5:43 AM   #11
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I think if you can try to take the control and responsibility for your fertility away from this situation it would be better for you and the relationship.

Have you looked into having your eggs harvested and stored? This will give you more time and take some pressure off what it is a very pressured situation. Then you can see where the relationship goes naturally.

Bringing a child into this relationship right now does not seem sensible to me.
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Old 28th October 2017, 12:34 PM   #12
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I think if you can try to take the control and responsibility for your fertility away from this situation it would be better for you and the relationship.

Have you looked into having your eggs harvested and stored? This will give you more time and take some pressure off what it is a very pressured situation. Then you can see where the relationship goes naturally.

Bringing a child into this relationship right now does not seem sensible to me.
Hi The woman,
I know the fertility issues is my issue. I am not trying to make him responsible for that. The part that hurts the most about his answer is that how he doesn't know? why he says he loves me and then he doesn't know? I am very confuse because I don't know if I should wait or let this relationship go
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Old 28th October 2017, 12:43 PM   #13
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So this has been a monthly discussion for 6 months, and the answer is always "I dont know"? How many more times do you plan on asking this and hearing the same answer?

You can't change his answer. He's been pretty consistant up to now, I think its a good bet that next time you ask him, the answer will be the same. The only thing you can change is you. He sees no consequences in him answering "I dont know" because you are still there...after asking this every month for 6 months.

Dont ask him a 7th time. Make up your mind what you want to do, stop giving him the power over this situation.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:56 PM   #14
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Hi The woman,
I know the fertility issues is my issue. I am not trying to make him responsible for that. The part that hurts the most about his answer is that how he doesn't know? why he says he loves me and then he doesn't know? I am very confuse because I don't know if I should wait or let this relationship go
What's so confusing? Love and marriage aren't mutually inclusive or mutually exclusive. So he loves you. So what? That doesn't mean he wants to marry you, now or in the future.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 4:33 PM   #15
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Hi The woman,
I know the fertility issues is my issue. I am not trying to make him responsible for that. The part that hurts the most about his answer is that how he doesn't know? why he says he loves me and then he doesn't know? I am very confuse because I don't know if I should wait or let this relationship go
Can you freeze eggs? I think Iím your case it will be smart doing it anyway... regardless on the decision to stay or not with this guy.
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