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FiancÚ had a lap dance 3 weeks before our wedding


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Old 21st August 2017, 12:28 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
Overly dramatic and unnecessary self-inflicted suffering.

She can choose to think of it as a harmless lap dance. Or she can blow it out of proportion and make it something that destroys her wedding and future forever.

It's all a matter of how she chooses to frame it.

But, at the end of the day, it's a decision.
To you it is "harmless" but you are not the one who is upset, and not eating due to the shock of it all.
Everyone views such things differently, and weddings are a huge thing in some women's lives. The wedding can take on a magical quality and for it to be "ruined" by a naked lap dance is a big deal for some.

Others are totally monogamous and will not accept anything sexual that involves any third parties.
The OP I guess did not expect her fiancÚ to do anything like this, hence the shock, embarrassment and no doubt disappointment felt.
Everyone reacts differently to situations, no-one is right or wrong surely?
I guess the OP does not have an agenda here, she is reacting honestly to this situation, so no-one can criticise her for her true feelings.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:35 PM   #17
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I just re-read the original post.


Apparently "the guys" including the OP's brother made the groom promise not to tell the OP about the strip club. In the OP's shoes I'd rip the brother's head off. I'd brow-beat my brother to get details like -- whose bright idea this was? who is advocating non telling the OP? and get confirmation that the FI did nothing else other than what the OP already knows.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:43 PM   #18
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To you it is "harmless" but you are not the one who is upset, and not eating due to the shock of it all.
Everyone views such things differently, and weddings are a huge thing in some women's lives. The wedding can take on a magical quality and for it to be "ruined" by a naked lap dance is a big deal for some.

Others are totally monogamous and will not accept anything sexual that involves any third parties.
The OP I guess did not expect her fiancÚ to do anything like this, hence the shock, embarrassment and no doubt disappointment felt.
Everyone reacts differently to situations, no-one is right or wrong surely?
I guess the OP does not have an agenda here, she is reacting honestly to this situation, so no-one can criticise her for her true feelings.
Still, the lap dance won't ruin her wedding. How she thinks about it ... can.

Some women choose and pay for the stripper at their fiance's bachelor party. I imagine the way they think about a stripper at a stag party is quite different than this reaction.

Many, many women have known that there would be a stripper at the bachelor party. Many women have had strippers at their own bachelorette parties.

My point? The strippers didn't ruin the wedding.

The difference is how people choose to think about it. A choice.

She can choose to ruin her own wedding with her thoughts. Or not. It's up to her.

Acting like she's helpless and has no control over how she handles this (or any) situation is not helpful to her or her marriage. Now or in the future. It might be a good time to learn to not let specific incidents "ruin" or destroy future events.

Address it, adapt, and move on. Quickly.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:52 PM   #19
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I just re-read the original post.


Apparently "the guys" including the OP's brother made the groom promise not to tell the OP about the strip club. In the OP's shoes I'd rip the brother's head off. I'd brow-beat my brother to get details like -- whose bright idea this was? who is advocating non telling the OP? and get confirmation that the FI did nothing else other than what the OP already knows.
Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

She better get over it.
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Old 21st August 2017, 12:56 PM   #20
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We can all sit here and minimise but... it is a huge problem for the OP as instead of her fairy tale wedding being full of joy and light it has been reduced to mind movies about her fiancÚ having a hot, naked, sexy woman grinding on his erect "bit". Something neither he or the OP will forget in a hurry...
Their "phenomenal" sex life will probably take a massive hit, her self esteem will be shot to pieces, and she will now not want to engage with her brother or other male family members as she is so embarrassed, humiliated and hurt.

Fantastic fun????
I'm not minimizing her feelings, though. As I said, I can understand why she would be upset.

The problem is that deeply embedded cultural norms are not always that easy for individuals to ignore. Especially if it's important for them to feel accepted by their friends in that culture. It's not always so black and white.

I don't think he should have done it, especially given that he'd told her he wouldn't. But I don't think I would advise the OP to ditch her entire relationship over this, especially if he won't do it again.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:00 PM   #21
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Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

She better get over it.

The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:04 PM   #22
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The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.
I agree. Excusing that sort of behavior as "man code" is just bollocks. If I had a friend whom I KNEW had a "no strippers" agreement with her fiance and I went ahead and booked strippers for her hen's night, should I expect everything to be okay just because "girl code"? Yeah, no.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:11 PM   #23
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Her brother and all of the other guys in the bachelor party should be pissed at this guy for snitching. Broke a man law. I wouldn't tell her anything.

They took the guy out and tried to show him a good time. Not going to brow beat me about anything and get confirmation about nothing.

She better get over it.
OK so if he had had sex with the lap dancer, the "man law" would dictate that no-one including her brother or her family members, would say anything to the OP, even if it meant risking her getting an STI that could potentially ruin her fertility or endanger her life...
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:20 PM   #24
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The brother knew the OP didn't want the stripper. He's the one who organized the axe throwing & the bewery tour. So man code (which is ridiculous BTW; anything that undermines the trust between a couple is to be avoided not celebrated) doesn't apply. The brother knew how his sister felt so he was wrong for pushing the groom to be. If the brother had stepped up & said no too, then the other guys may have backed off.


I seriously doubt the other guys would have backed off.

Men have always had codes. Codes of honor. Codes of conduct. Rules to live by thar superseded marriage and weren't dictated by women. These new, emasculated boys might be different, but certain groups of men will always have a code.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:24 PM   #25
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OK so if he had had sex with the lap dancer, the "man law" would dictate that no-one including her brother or her family members, would say anything to the OP, even if it meant risking her getting an STI that could potentially ruin her fertility or endanger her life...
He didn't have sex with her.

This is another example of you being overly dramatic.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:29 PM   #26
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I seriously doubt the other guys would have backed off.

Men have always had codes. Codes of honor. Codes of conduct. Rules to live by thar superseded marriage and weren't dictated by women. These new, emasculated boys might be different, but certain groups of men will always have a code.
Why would a woman even want to be with a man to whom friends or some "code" was more important than her, though? Honestly, that just sounds like college frat boy crap. My thought is: If "bro code" is more important to a man than his relationship with me, he can be free to spend his life with his "bros" instead. Far be it from me to come between him and his true love! I would prioritize a long term relationship over any sort of "girl code ", especially if the "code" was advocating dishonesty to my partner, and I expect the same.

(Not saying that the OP's guy prioritizes his friends over her, we can't make a reasonable assumption about that solely based on one incident. Nor do we know if he's being dishonest. Just saying that I disagree with this. )
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:33 PM   #27
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I seriously doubt the other guys would have backed off.

Men have always had codes. Codes of honor. Codes of conduct. Rules to live by thar superseded marriage and weren't dictated by women. These new, emasculated boys might be different, but certain groups of men will always have a code.

You are probably right. But that is also why it's important to have friends with good character. Years ago I "met" a guy in bar. I put met in quotes because it turns out we had mutual friends & he'd had his eye on me before the first time we talked. We hooked up & started "dating" sort of. It was all very casual which was fine with me. A few weeks into this I find out he had a GF & I dump him. I have zero interest in helping him cheat & I don't date guys I don't trust. About a week after that 2 of our mutual friends -- well his friends, my professional colleagues -- separately came to me & apologized for not telling me about the GF. Actually the one called to tell me about her; he didn't know that I already knew & had dumped the guy. One said it was an on-again/off-again dysfunctional mess but the last thing he'd heard early that week the guy & I met was that the GF was gone again. I have no use for the guy but developed a new respect for the buddies. The broke your so-called bro-code out of respect for me & I appreciated there integrity.


That said, in the OPs shoes:


1. I would not have been that upset; again it was one lap dance not a torrid on going affair;


2. Even if I was upset I could sort of forgive the FI. I'd have less respect for him because he couldn't hold his ground against his buddies & keep a promise to me. That loss of respect would undermine any marriage way faster then him looking at some naked stripper;


3. I'd still be more pissed at my brother for going along with some cockamamie plan to lie to me. I have real problems with some so called bro code being more important than family loyalty.
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:44 PM   #28
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He didn't have sex with her.

This is another example of you being overly dramatic.
I said "if", but nicely dodged...
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Old 21st August 2017, 1:46 PM   #29
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Why would a woman even want to be with a man to whom friends or some "code" was more important than her, though? Honestly, that just sounds like college frat boy crap. My thought is: If "bro code" is more important to a man than his relationship with me, he can be free to spend his life with his "bros" instead. Far be it from me to come between him and his true love! I would prioritize a long term relationship over any sort of "girl code ", especially if the "code" was advocating dishonesty to my partner, and I expect the same.

(Not saying that the OP's guy prioritizes his friends over her, we can't make a reasonable assumption about that solely based on one incident. Nor do we know if he's being dishonest. Just saying that I disagree with this. )
I watched a documentary about the Mongols. An American biker gang that rivals the Hell's Angels and many other bikers.

Those guys live by a code. They don't tell their women everything and women still love them.

The United States Marine Corp. Navy Seals. I can go on and on. Yes, fraternities. Code. Even the men in some families have a code. A way they do things.

Y'all might not like it, but men have always had codes. If you understood manhood and how men work together, you'd understand why it's not only desirable but necessary.

Last edited by MidKnightDreams; 21st August 2017 at 2:06 PM..
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Old 21st August 2017, 2:38 PM   #30
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If the thought of a stripper bothers you so much that you now can't eat because you are so upset.....

I think you should have made that very very very very (did I say very?) clear to him at some point before the bachelor party.

Strippers during a stag party is par for the course.

Personally, I would have ZERO problem with this. I am chubby, I don't look like a stripper, and I know my husband well enough to not feel insecure about it. He loves me, not some random girl who takes her clothes off for money
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