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Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 24th July 2017, 3:51 PM   #1
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Arrow New Here.

I'm new here. Ramona 38 from Texas. My boyfriend is 52. Neither of us have never been married. I want to get married. He's not so sure.

He's told me if get the right advice he may think about it.

Can anyone help us out here?

I love him and have for 3 years! Now we're living together. I want a future!
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:16 PM   #2
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I want a future!
So you are going to cease to exist if you don't get married? Well if that isn't enough reason for him, then he clearly doesn't love you at all...

All joking aside, what do you hope to get from marriage? Security in case of a later divorce, or in case he dies? Are you holding off having kids until marriage? (if this is the case, don't hold off much longer)

Marriage will neither fix nor ruin your life, future or relationship.
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:31 PM   #3
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So you are going to cease to exist if you don't get married? Well if that isn't enough reason for him, then he clearly doesn't love you at all...

All joking aside, what do you hope to get from marriage? Security in case of a later divorce, or in case he dies? Are you holding off having kids until marriage? (if this is the case, don't hold off much longer)

Marriage will neither fix nor ruin your life, future or relationship.
I want to get married because I truely do love him and feel it is the right thing to do in the eyes of God. Lucky for us that neither of us want kids. I feel I have found my soulmate at last and want to share everything including his name.
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Old 24th July 2017, 4:49 PM   #4
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A 52 year old bachelor is going to be hard to convince, especially since you now live with him.


It's the whole "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" thing.


My EX who I lived with for 10 years used to say marriage is just a piece of paper; we're committed; who needs it? All my pleas of I want that piece of paper, I want the perceived stability, I won't have kids without being married, fell on deaf ears. Finally I realized it was never going to happen & I got out.


When I finally got married at age 41, I came to learn it's so much more than a "piece of paper." I am a woman of my word. So the fact that I took vows before God & almost everyone I ever met, was quite moving & meaningful to me. It was a huge, deep commitment & it felt overwhelming, especially through that first year.


I suppose you need to start with why he doesn't want to get married.
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:22 PM   #5
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A 52 year old bachelor is going to be hard to convince, especially since you now live with him.


It's the whole "why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?" thing.


My EX who I lived with for 10 years used to say marriage is just a piece of paper; we're committed; who needs it? All my pleas of I want that piece of paper, I want the perceived stability, I won't have kids without being married, fell on deaf ears. Finally I realized it was never going to happen & I got out.


When I finally got married at age 41, I came to learn it's so much more than a "piece of paper." I am a woman of my word. So the fact that I took vows before God & almost everyone I ever met, was quite moving & meaningful to me. It was a huge, deep commitment & it felt overwhelming, especially through that first year.


I suppose you need to start with why he doesn't want to get married.
I think he's afraid because of seeing his parent's divorce when he was young. I know he loves me and he does claim to be a strong born again Christian. I'm going to show this thread. maybe seeing what others think will knock some sense into him. Thank you.
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:30 PM   #6
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How born again is he? Can you get his minister to weigh in?


Are you willing to sign a pre-nup? That may give him some security if his parent's divorce was nasty.


Some people are against pre-nups. They think it's setting yourself up to fail. My husband & I have one. It was the best premarital thing we did. Getting together all of the finances so we could make the disclosures & hammering out the terms of the agreement forced us to talk about a lot of difficult issues. Most people find it incredibly tough to talk about money & finances even though that is what breaks most marriages apart. As we plowed through those tough conversations we segued into some highly volatile emotional areas too. Because we hashed a lot of that out, when things got difficult in the marriage it was easier to talk about hot button issues. (There's on going on right now that hasn't been so easy to talk about but at least the foundation of trust & acceptance is there)
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:40 PM   #7
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I think he's afraid because of seeing his parent's divorce when he was young. I know he loves me and he does claim to be a strong born again Christian. I'm going to show this thread. maybe seeing what others think will knock some sense into him. Thank you.
A lot of generation xers saw their parents divorce and decided not to get married or waited until later to marry someone they were confident in. This isn't uncommon.

I love my marriage, but like I said, marriage isn't a magic solution for anything in particular. Is he hesitating to commit to stay with you forever, or is he just hesitant to get married?
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:42 PM   #8
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A lot of generation xers saw their parents divorce and decided not to get married or waited until later to marry someone they were confident in. This isn't uncommon.

I love my marriage, but like I said, marriage isn't a magic solution for anything in particular. Is he hesitating to commit to stay with you forever, or is he just hesitant to get married?
he says he does want to be together forever. He's just not sure about marriage. I'm only the 3rd woman he has been dated.
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:43 PM   #9
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How born again is he? Can you get his minister to weigh in?


Are you willing to sign a pre-nup? That may give him some security if his parent's divorce was nasty.


Some people are against pre-nups. They think it's setting yourself up to fail. My husband & I have one. It was the best premarital thing we did. Getting together all of the finances so we could make the disclosures & hammering out the terms of the agreement forced us to talk about a lot of difficult issues. Most people find it incredibly tough to talk about money & finances even though that is what breaks most marriages apart. As we plowed through those tough conversations we segued into some highly volatile emotional areas too. Because we hashed a lot of that out, when things got difficult in the marriage it was easier to talk about hot button issues. (There's on going on right now that hasn't been so easy to talk about but at least the foundation of trust & acceptance is there)
He would never do a pre-nup. Says we would't need it cause he does not make that kinda money.
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Old 24th July 2017, 5:55 PM   #10
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He would never do a pre-nup. Says we would't need it cause he does not make that kinda money.

Then don't pay the money for the lawyer to draft & execute it but do have the conversations & the disclosures. It is more about getting him to a place where he feels safe "taking the plunge."
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Old 26th July 2017, 2:25 PM   #11
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Then don't pay the money for the lawyer to draft & execute it but do have the conversations & the disclosures. It is more about getting him to a place where he feels safe "taking the plunge."
Thank you for the advice
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Old 29th July 2017, 8:31 PM   #12
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He could honestly be scared to death to marry out of a sense he will fail you. I know I was, ironically I did not, she did.

I suggest you seek out a MC and become involved with them intensly. Have them discuss all the problems marriages can bring and come to an agreement on all these issues. Take a year or so to do so. Attend a marriage encounter group for at least two week-ends while seeing the MC.

For example what will life be like when you are 58 and he is 72? Yes you could die tomorrow or he could die tomorrow but what if either of does not?
Knowing is avoiding a crissis.
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Old 2nd August 2017, 7:52 PM   #13
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First find out if he sees himself still with you in old age. If no, or he's hesitant, forget it. If yes, tell him if he has a heart attack and has to go int he hospital, you will have NO say over what happens to him there and it will be up to his closest living relative unless you are married. Also, definitely refuse to put in any money on a home or anything to do with finances unless you are married and have that legal contract.
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