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Relationship/engagement woes


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 9th June 2017, 6:58 AM   #1
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Relationship/engagement woes

(...or TLDR - am I overthinking my relationship?)

I tend to get a bit dismissive with myself when it comes to this subject as my mood tends to vary depending on when I want to talk about it or how I approach it.

I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years and we're getting married in about 3 months time. I've always found the relationship to be somewhat challenging and every now and again I get conflicted with myself about how I feel. I dismiss it because I feel I'm overthinking things too much and I'm the type of person that often gets offended over little things and I tell myself that I'm making it more of an issue than it is.

My fiancee is from Portugal and she's been here in the UK for just over 4 years, I'd say we're opposites but we have a good dynamic together. She's more of the inpatient type whereas I have a lot more patience. In terms of my background I'm an only child who previously lived with my mum well over a year ago and it's the first time I've ever moved out to live with someone. I moved in with my fiancee last January when she was renting and we decided later that year to buy a house which has gone very well.

I've adapted well and I'm capable of doing things, my issue is over HOW I'm doing things. I never feel it's good enough, thankfully she doesn't think that's the case but I can never shake off that feeling. The problem I find with her is that she can be very mothering, and I often feel it's like a weird mother/son relationship at times. I start to feel like the annoyed son finding where to do the next set of chores. I don't want to be that type of person where I don't put my weight into doing the housework at home as we do a lot of the housework together. I try and not get lax with my ways otherwise I know I will get into bad habits. I feel this way because I never did this much whilst being with my mum.

My ex in my last relationship was someone who I felt quite comfortable with as she acknowledged her faults and I often found that confiding helped. I generally felt I could cope even during her anxiety times and we often had a good laugh together. I still have fond memories of when I was with her and our split was very mutual. We were together for almost 3 years but at least 2 years of our relationship was with her being away at university, so I only really consider most of our quality relationship time being the equivalent of 1 year. I eventually met my fiancee about 3 months after splitting with my ex but keep in mind I felt that there were problems prior to the split happening for quite a few months before that.

I did think that with my fiancee I would learn to cope with the trivial moments and to an extent I have, I still feel I have come a long way since we first met and I know she's appreciated the support I've given her. I've felt like we've gone through a lot in this relationship and that's something I've always wanted to have with someone. For some reason though I just can't shake certain things off and my inner gut feelings don't always feel comfortable. I never feel excited about our relationship yet I don't feel unhappy either. I just feel like there's a neutral feeling, I don't feel content or truly relaxed.

I don't have fond memories of times when we have been on holiday or anything like that. Not that I didn't enjoy them, they just don't give me that lasting memory. I feel the years have gone by so quick that it's been near impossible to sit back and relax just to see what we've done.

So why do I carry on? Because I feel that I can look back on things when we're older and laugh about it and feel that all the hard work paid off. I never felt there was a valid reason to end the relationship because I feel it's trivial. We want kids together and we have nice quality time together. I can't bear the idea of just giving up because I just think I can do better than feel like I'm moaning. She also thinks I underestimate myself and that I am capable of more than what I think which I do find encouraging. It's another reason why I feel the relationship has been worthwhile because at the end of it all we sit back at the end of each day and I feel good about what we have. It ends up counteracting my feelings. I'm also unsure whether I would regret giving up after coming this far and the idea of letting her down. Am I thinking into this too much? How do I cope through those situations? I try to reassure myself but the feelings just don't want to give in sometimes. I want to avoid being easily offended.
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Old 9th June 2017, 8:15 AM   #2
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Spiceymike,

Quote:
I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly 3 years and we're getting married in about 3 months time. I've always found the relationship to be somewhat challenging and every now and again I get conflicted with myself about how I feel.
Quote:
For some reason though I just can't shake certain things off and my inner gut feelings don't always feel comfortable. I never feel excited about our relationship yet I don't feel unhappy either. I just feel like there's a neutral feeling, I don't feel content or truly relaxed.

If this is the case please, please do not get married in 3 months time.

You need a women who you think the world of and truly want to be with, and it doesn't seem like this is happening.

Does your fiancee know you are so half-hearted about this?

Maybe you need to set her free to be with a guy who is actually keen to be with her?
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Old 9th June 2017, 8:35 AM   #3
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I'm not sure how much of this is cold feet, your natural uncertainty or some indication that you should not marry. Have you had pre-marital counseling? If not, get some. Discuss these fears & concerns with your FI. Getting married before these issues are resolved is not a good plan.


As for the housework, assume it's all your responsibility. If you both do that & you see something that needs to be done, just do it, you will be fine.
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Old 9th June 2017, 11:41 AM   #4
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This is the thing though, I haven't been thinking like this recently. I find there has to be a situation that triggers it. This was why I was so hesitant about posting because I feel like I'm answering my own question and it depends on the mood with how I'm expressing it.

The regular daily life stuff with coming home after work etc I genuinely enjoy and the stuff we do especially when we've managed most of the wedding stuff together. We had a marriage preparation course about a couple of months ago which was a mandatory thing to do as part of the church. I felt that was something that really helped and made me feel a bit more relaxed about everything.

I think my problem is that I don't take specific situations face on and I don't necessarily know how to handle it. I feel she reacts to certain things without thinking and reacts instantly and I don't always know how to cope with it. I have to think things through otherwise I get worked up. I never feel that I'm right or that my opinions are as valid. I tend to stop myself because I never see the point. I know this eventually can cause issues further on if I let it grow bigger than it needs to be. I find at times she can be dismissive and I want to know how to handle stuff like this in a pleasant way.
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Old 13th June 2017, 7:42 AM   #5
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Is this your first time living away from mum? Also, maybe this may be a strong reason for your fiance's mothering behavior.


I never heard you mention one time that you were in love. You mentioned that it was challenging and dynamic but not love.
Never marry someone for convenience sake it won't last.

You need marriage counsel to address all the issues that are brewing underneath because if you ignore the signs the cliff is the next exit.
Never ignore problems deal with them or they will get worse.
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