Originally Posted by lana-banana
Mightycpa, you are one of my all-time favorite people on these boards and are as wise as the day is long, so your take on this has really surprised me. The OP is wondering whether she can date someone who doesn't share her values, who has repeatedly been dismissive of issues she cares about, and who upholds a philosophy she ultimately doesn't agree with. Those are good questions to ask. But rather than address her concerns you set up strawmen that portray the OP as a complete radical nutjob. Per your assertions if she doesn't like his opinions then she must be judging him as a person, she's obviously intolerant and a hypocrite, she must think everyone who disagrees with her is racist and misogynistic and her boyfriend deserves better. Or something.
Just two examples:
No right-thinking person would agree with this proposition, because it is insane. Misogyny and racism are not even remotely like murder. Misogyny and racism are complex evils that arose out of millennia of societal norms, cultural traditions, gender roles, and so on. Everyone perpetuates some degree of misogyny and racism, and we live within a system that promotes them to some way. They are concepts to be recognized and mitigated. They are not singular actions.
Bzuh? That is the polar opposite of logical. Not choosing something is not by definition the wrong choice. In this (already farfetched) example I think we'd agree that someone who actively opposed feminism would be a much worse position than someone who simply didn't protest for feminist causes. In this case, the OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to support feminist causes. It does not at all follow that he is a racist or misogynist, because not supporting something does not mean opposing it. Literally no one has said that in this thread except for you.
For some reason you are trying to paint the OP as an insufferable Social Justice 101 Tumblr-posting shrieking harpy and deconstructing that instead of talking to the very real person here. Being disappointed by her partner's reaction to current events does not mean she doesn't support free expression or different opinions. The point about how she might be so dangerously intolerant as to cause some kind of scene with a business partner or boss is beyond absurd. Once again there is no evidence anywhere that the OP can't get along with someone who thinks differently than she does, but you are implying she clearly can't handle it.
I welcome a broad spectrum of opinions, but that doesn't mean I welcome all of them in my potential life partners. There is a difference between a healthy exchange of ideals or making polite conversation at a cocktail party and spending the rest of your life with someone. If my fiancÚ woke up tomorrow and said "honey, I don't believe in climate change and I really think abortion ought to be outlawed", that would be the end for us.
Healthy relationships are about shared values, especially the ones we hold most dear. Why should political values be exempt?
You're very sweet too. Thank you.
It's a fair point you make. Nevertheless, I think what I've set in a framework is valid.
Take issue X. It doesn't matter what it is. Your beliefs about it fall somewhere in this spectrum:
I dont care .................................................. ..................... Life or death
Now, multiply that by however many issues are encompassed in the whole "he doesn't care enough" judgment.
What she's described about him is that as far as she can tell, nothing approaches "Life or Death" for him. He's a live-and-let-live sort of guy, even on her life and death issues. She, on the other hand, has many things to think about that skew closer to "Life or Death".
Originally Posted by ConfusedAF
This makes me question the kind of person he is and his values.
I didn't say that lana. She did. That statement alone tells the tale. We know what she meant: He's one of THEM. I didn't know before, but he's one of THEM. OMG! What do I do now?
There's another post around here somewhere by Gaeta, where her pal euthanized her dog, and Gaeta is convinced that she should have spent the money to save the dog instead of spending 4 times more to get another dog. So, she's done with this friend. It's pretty much the same thing. What they both seem to lack, however, is the courage of their convictions. They're coming here for support, I think because somewhere deep down inside, they know that this is not the most noble of behaviors. If they had no doubts about their actions, they'd brag about these decisions, not question them. These doubts come from within, and for good reason. They are both judging the worth of other human beings that they know not to be evil. That's a little over the top, and somewhere inside, they know it, and it doesn't make them feel good about themselves. So they come here looking for moral support, for people to tell them they're doing the right thing, because they need more people to be on their side to balance out the bad they feel about themselves. A crowd with them will make them feel correct. A crowd against them would make them think twice.
Ironically, CAF wants the same thing from her man. Approval and agreement. She wants him to tell her she's thinking the right thing on those other issues. He's not meeting her need. Make no mistake about it. This is a need on her part, and he is not delivering.
That's really all I'm trying to point out.
What's the right decision? I don't know. But I know this: To love someone is to accept them for who they are, warts and all, and to love them anyway. She can't, whether she knows it or not. It all goes back to her value system. He doesn't qualify. It's probably hard to tell yourself that truth.
To your other point, do I think you guys are a little loony left? Sure I do! But I don't mind, that's what makes you who you are. Good for you! And, it's beside the point. She could be a John Birch Society conservative and I'd think the same thing. It's not right or left for me. It's right or wrong, but she has every right to be wrong in my eyes, and I'm only chiming in because she asked for opinions. I'm hoping I can help open her eyes.
If she had asked for only the viewpoints of those who agree, I'd have shut up and moved on.
Anyway, I hope you're doing well out there. I still credit you with my favorite post ever! Nobody has even come close.