12yearsinlove Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 So, my boyfriend and I have been together almost 12 years. Since I was 18 and him 19. We have a house together (past 4 years). We have been seriously committed to each other and love each other very much. However, we have had our ups and downs as anyone. Such as, I have moved out 2 x's and maybe on the verge of it again and for good..who knows. The 1st time I moved out was because I thought he was cheating. He of course denied it. But you know what you know. We worked through it and he wanted me to move back in and I did. The 2nd time was last year. He puts his friends first and always has. I thought he'd get over it by getting older, nope. We spent no time together at all. He is intense about everything in his life but our relationship. I was getting to the point that I wanted more. I wanted marriage and wanted to know he wanted the same things. Now, I have never bothered him about getting married or children, but we did talk about it so he knew. He would say on day baby, one day. So, I moved bak in and he proposed to me DRUNK..he wanted to go to Vegas that night and get married. I said no your drunk. Ask me another time when you mean it. Yeah, that has not happened. So, I am now right back to where I was last year. We spend little time together, but more than we did. But, now I am bringing up marriage more. Not enought to make him nuts, but I think he's annoyed by it. I am going to be 30 in about 6 months..... What am I doing wrong or not doing? Where should I go, what should I do? This is so frustrating, especially since it's been 12 years...I have been VERY patient. Give him an altimatum wont work. I know that. He'll feel like he's being told what to do. How do make him want to marry me??? Someone help! Is he waiting for something better to come along??? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 Are you ready to tell him it's either marriage or you're leaving? And if you answer yes are you willing to follow through with it. Will you walk away from twelve years and a house if he doesn't marry you? Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 I don't think him proposing to you "the right way" is going to make any difference in your relationship. He has you. He knows it. He's known it for 12 years. Take a real break -- move out. Date others (you don't have to sleep with them) build new friendships and maybe new relationships. If you decide that you want to be back with him, then you will have to learn to accept him the way he is, and that may mean that you never have that piece of paper stamped "married" - can you live with that? You won't be any happier in a marriage that you forced -- you'll end up resenting him and doubting him---> and yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
tokyo Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 Hokey is right, he has you. You are in fact in a marriage already, the kind of marriage where people feel the ring on their finger makes their spouse stays with them not matter what they do. If it was for him, things could go on like this forever, he has everything that he wants. You change the situation, because he won't. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 I would simply tell him "Listen, I am 30 years old, I don't want to waste my time and emotions with you anymore if this relationship doesn't have a future. Let's decide now or I will take your silence as NO and leave. I am giving you time by July 1st to make up your mind. On that day I am packing my bags and leaving for good, the house will be sold and the money divided. " See, he can marry a 25-year old girl in 5 years, but you'll be 35 and your biological clock will work against you. You do want children, don't you? And not say another word about it. He knows everything we all know. A friend of mine dumped his GF after 8 years over another girl. They lived together for years before that. Link to post Share on other sites
noname Posted April 7, 2005 Share Posted April 7, 2005 marriage will not secure your future. sounds to me like there are other issues with your relationship that need some ironing out. your priorities are on different levels. marriage and children might not be that important to him. doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but he may be satisfied with the way your relationship works. it is up to you do decide if those things mean so much to you that you are willing to cut him and find someone who has similar goals to yours. also seems like there are some attention and trust issues as well. marriage is not going to make those disappear. he is going to spend the same amount of time and you are going to be at the same place on his priority list as you are now. besides, he may be holding off for those very same reasons. it sounds like (could be wrong) you moved out because you thought he was cheating and had no proof. he may be wary to marry someone who gives up on him on a hunch. (not saying that he didn't cheat, but if he didn't he may feel you don't believe in him.) do you both a favor and start to explore a new way of communication. don't simply bring up marriage as a goal. ask him what he truly feels, not about you but about things in general. you will get a better feel for what it is that is holding him up. he may love you and fear marriage. marriage is a scary thing. it has ruined a great many healthy relationships. on the flipside, i think communication will help you better understand yourself. i mean bio-clock issues aside, do you really want to be with someone who spends little or no time with you? that can get quite lonely spread out over 40 years. no disrespect intended, but you seem a little confused yourself. you started out saying how in love you both are and how committed you are. then, after a while you made him sound as if he has very little interest, that you are not a priority, and he has no intensity when it comes to you. communication is the key to you both finding out what the hell is going on. or what isn't... Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie33 Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 when you find out let me know, I have been with my BF for 8 years and still waiting for that proposal...I'm ready to leave....Don't forget you are in your childbearing years don't let him take that away from you!!! good luck Link to post Share on other sites
maja Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 I agree, sit him down and tell him that you're tired of investing your time into this relationship if you don't even know it will exist. I guess no men want to be forced and told when they need to get down on their knee, but being in a 12 year relationship and still now knowing what will happen is not right for you. He's being selfish and undecided, i'm not sure what the reasons may be that he's waiting, but maybe it's money? Maybe doesn't have the cash for a ring? You need to have a serious talk with him, ask him why and give him an ultimatum! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted April 9, 2005 Share Posted April 9, 2005 I think you should just leave. If he comes back with a serious proposal, then you can consider it. You already said an ultimatum won't work with him. But consider this, marriage isn't a magical cure for all the problems in your relationship. He will act exactly the same and treat you exactly the same. Is that what you want forever? This really isn't fair to you.. You're giving up your needs and wants for someone who doesn't even spend any time with you. He's passionate about everything except for you. How sad that must be. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 13, 2005 Share Posted April 13, 2005 Hokey got it right. You gave away all your trump cards a long time ago. He's getting what he wants, you're not. Link to post Share on other sites
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