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Is it worth getting married or just live together?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 3rd October 2016, 9:06 AM   #1
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Is it worth getting married or just live together?

Hello...
I have not been on here for awhile and few of you been following my post will know me....maybe...

I have dating and living together with my boyfriend for 2 years now.
He has very high paying job as senior Excutive CFO for 20 years at a one company but he got a job offer in a different state as Vise President and CFO with double the salary plus bonuses and all and he took it and we moved to new state in June.

Before we move, he propose to me with very nice ring.....I accepted but I am not ready......this will be second marriage for both of us and we have 4 grown up kids ...2 each from previous marriage.
I accept the ring but I wasn't really ready...and I don't really want to get married.....

I am not in this relationship for the money and I make my own to spend and save for two years...he do not spend money that much nor drive fancy car nor show off...he is very genuine and very careful of everything and he is very smart with his money.

His families are very loving and super nice to me.
His mother told me that his ex wife and his ex girlfriends always took advantage of him in the past and women are always care more about his bank accounts rather than him.....well, i told her I will not take advantage of him nor take anything from him and his kids ever.
She mention that if we ever do get married it maybe a good idea that we have a prenup to protect what's his kids and mine....I told her I will.
I left everything when I got divorce to my ex husband. I took nothing either.

As we are buying a very expensive huge house ...by the way he owns 2 houses already in previous state and this would be his third house....

He talks about his plans and our future and he mention he is going to change his will soon.

He say the house we are buying he is going to put my name on it and it will be mine if something happens to him....and the life insurance from his new job.

He say, his retirement and his stocks, his social security, his other life insurance will go to his kids....
His retirement is huge....kids will get $10,000 for month plus his stocks worth few millions or more......

Anyway, i don't want anything from him but at the same time is it worth getting married?
I don't have benefits from getting married...and he have no benefits getting married either...
So I am thinking not getting married.....what's the point?
I don't even want the house either.

I am happy just way it is and I will in the same boat as now or later so....I don't see why we should get married.......
Do you?

By the way, he is very loving and very attentive of my needs and takes care of me very good and super romantic and passionate too.

Last edited by Lily blue; 3rd October 2016 at 9:16 AM..
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Old 3rd October 2016, 9:19 AM   #2
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No don't get married. Just carry on the way you are now.
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Old 3rd October 2016, 11:10 AM   #3
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If you want to get married, then don't.

Just be upfront and honest about it with him.
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Old 3rd October 2016, 2:38 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Lily blue View Post
I am happy just way it is and I will in the same boat as now or later so....I don't see why we should get married.......
Do you?
Going to guess that, with grown children, both of you in your 40's/50's?

You hope this never happens but being married gives you standing in each other's medical situation.

The romantic in me also says marriage implies a commitment that "not married" forgoes. I understand others feel differently.

Let me ask you this - what are your reasons for not marrying ???

Mr. Lucky
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Old 3rd October 2016, 3:03 PM   #5
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Sorry but for someone who says you don't care about his money and assets you spent a lot of time detailing his wealth in your opening post. Seems irrelevant given the topic unless you were advocating for marriage so you could get a piece of his pie.

As for your question, accordingly to YOU there are no benefits to getting married so why bother? I'm not sure whatever here can say to change that for you. People get engaged and remain happily engaged until death do you part. Perhaps that is your fate and there is nothing wrong with it. I'm of the mindset that if it ain't broke, why fix it?

The only issue is if HE thinks there are benefits to being married versus to just living together. That will be your hurdle.

Whatever the decision you need to be honest with him about how you feel. Don't be pressured into doing something you don't really want to do.

Good luck.
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Old 3rd October 2016, 3:08 PM   #6
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I m in 46 and he is 52.

I just see no difference or benefits in getting married.
Also, I been there my self and others say that after get married people change and they try a lot less to please each other.....

I never had relationships...he is my second Man in my life other than my ex husband.

He treats me good and I treat him good...he leads and I follow.
I m totally submissive person so.....he is dominant but not controlling.

He make it very clear that either we get married or not, my kids will not be included in his plans nor in our plans and he will not help them in anyway financially or emotionally.

Only his kids. I get that and it's fine.
Everything he owns will go to his kids. I get that and it's fine.

So why get married? No benefits getting married for him nor me...
And if my kids treated like ice.....I don't want to get married and have my kids have a step dad who won't treat them like they are family......my kids don't expect anything either but wanted to feel welcome.

He is ok for them to visit me or I go visit them but that is about it.
I treat his kids like my own....welcome them, cook and clean after them, buy gift and send cards ......he never once did anything for my kids.

It's better to be moms boyfriend than a Step dad....than its easier to accept the situation.

This is why.....if this don't work out, I never, ever give my heart nor my body to anyone else that is for sure.
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Old 3rd October 2016, 4:42 PM   #7
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You already told us your answer so stick with it! I too thought about getting married again but I still wondering myself about it. Your set for life as long as you with him you seem to talk about the money more about anything else. So you mind will do the right thing. But if he is looking for the marriage part then you have to be completely honest and tell him what your intentions are. You two are not on the same track if he wants marriage and you don't. Still have to tell him the truth. Even if it means he might walk, but if he truly loves you he might over look this and just keep going as normal since that is the real reason you want is to let things stay as they are. Not everyone wants marriage or more kids I see you didn't mention that at the age of 46.
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Old 4th October 2016, 12:09 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by Lily blue View Post
And if my kids treated like ice.....I don't want to get married and have my kids have a step dad who won't treat them like they are family......my kids don't expect anything either but wanted to feel welcome.

He is ok for them to visit me or I go visit them but that is about it.
I treat his kids like my own....welcome them, cook and clean after them, buy gift and send cards ......he never once did anything for my kids.
Ahhh, now we get down to it.

It's not marriage you object to, it's marriage under these conditions. Have you spoken to him about his coldness to your kids? Not sure why you'd be with someone who treats your family like that, married or not...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th October 2016, 9:33 PM   #9
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I'm not getting a sense that you love him.
Actually, i'm not getting a sense that you even like him all that much.

Why are you with him?
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Old 4th October 2016, 9:52 PM   #10
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Yes I do!
I love him very much.
We have a lot in common, we never fight, we have a lot of fun and we both very affectionate each other and we both take care of each other and always complement to each other and we text everyday.
Everything is great and now, sex is incredible too.
He has great qualities, genuine, faithful, adores me to no end....
And I respect him and I am devoted and submissive and very supportive of him and his job too
And he is Alpha male dominant person but not controlling.nhe likes to be in charge and I follow him because most of the times he makes great decision and he don't really make mistakes.


His son loves me so he always talks about him not much of his Daughter even he loves her dearly, but because she hasn't met me yet nor ask about me, he keeps distance....no matter who they are, my family, his family, his imployees, who do not respect of me, or puts me down, he do not want to associate with them and they are not welcome in our home.
He is very protect of me.

My kids never met him yet...and that is only thing bothers me and he shows no effort to see my kids nor like to talk about it.
He will make a wonderful husband but not step dad....my kids deserves better step dad but is ok just being my boyfriend...they accept it better.

Last edited by Lily blue; 4th October 2016 at 9:57 PM..
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Old 4th October 2016, 10:05 PM   #11
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The difference is in death. I have explained this to you in your other thread.

When he dies if you are not married everything will be frozen till his succession is concluded. It could takes months, maybe years if children decide to be difficult and fight his will. During that time you don't have access to anything that belongs to him which is the house you live in, bank card will be taken away from you, car keys and anything else that is not to your name. You also will have nothing to say about his funerals. If in 20 years he dies you won't be allowed to participate in the funeral arrangements. The kids will do as they wish with his body and funerals.

If everything he owns goes through his succession then forget about it. You will pack and leave with your clothes and nothing else. If indeed he has the wealth you are describing than all of his houses, and assets are in a Trust. A trust has beneficiaries which would be his kids and you. A Trust also has Trustees, it can have 2-3-4 or more trustees. The Trustees are in charge of distributing the succession and have veto. If the Trustees decide all goes to the kids and you get nothing...too bad for you.

Well, all that does not matter right, you don't care about being kicked in the streets by his kids in 20-25 years.
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Old 5th October 2016, 2:29 PM   #12
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Geate, thank you.
That sounds pretty scary....
Actually, last night, he wanted to talk about our future and buying a house and getting married ......
I told him about my kids and how I felt and his mom thought was good idea of us have prenup and stuff and he got really up sad about his mom being in our personal life....he say he will never have prenup or anything because he wants to marry me because he loves me.
Not his mother nor his kids or mine can change anything and if they have a problem, I do not want to talk to them.
He say now, it's our turn to be happy.

He say he will meet my kids and make an effort to get to know them and once we buy house and settle here, he wants to fly my kids to stay visit and he likes to make a plan for us get married.

He want me to stay home and take care of the home and not work and just be supportive of him and involve with his job because, once we get house, he will have to invite his employees for parties and some executives meetings will be done at our home often and I have to attend a lot of events with him and stuff....

And he say, he want to make sure if something happens to him, I be taken care of.
He say, he will put only him and my name on the all the houses he owns and his life insurance and his social security and everything in the house will be mine and his kids will get his other retirements and stocks.

He say he wants to take care of me always and he wants me to be happy and be happy together and that I m the best thing that ever has happen in his life and he is content and happy now and he only have eyes for me and I got his whole heart for the rest of his life.....

We had a good talk and even thought he has COPD perfectionist and clean freak I call it but I found the truly wonderful man.
I think it will all going to be ok.
Thanks Guys and Gals.
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Old 5th October 2016, 2:40 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Michelle ma Belle View Post
Sorry but for someone who says you don't care about his money and assets you spent a lot of time detailing his wealth in your opening post. Seems irrelevant given the topic unless you were advocating for marriage so you could get a piece of his pie.

As for your question, accordingly to YOU there are no benefits to getting married so why bother? I'm not sure whatever here can say to change that for you. People get engaged and remain happily engaged until death do you part. Perhaps that is your fate and there is nothing wrong with it. I'm of the mindset that if it ain't broke, why fix it?

The only issue is if HE thinks there are benefits to being married versus to just living together. That will be your hurdle.

Whatever the decision you need to be honest with him about how you feel. Don't be pressured into doing something you don't really want to do.

Good luck.
That's what I was thinking.

She says she's not interested in his money, but spends the whole post talking about his money.

Wondering what should she do. When she doesn't want to be married. If she doesn't want to be married, then the only other reason to marry would be ... money.

Is that what she's asking us to do? Tell her it's okay to marry him for money?

You shouldn't get married if you don't want to be married. The self-doubt is coming from somewhere other than not being concerned about his money.

I ain't saying she's a gold digger ....
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Old 5th October 2016, 3:32 PM   #14
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No I'm not a gold digger...I was talking about benefits for both of us....and that also involve money too I guess.
But most importantly, I need my kids in my life and his life.

I make my own money doing Jewelry business. I work at home and I do all online.
I buy and sell Diamonds and Gemstones and Moissanites and solid golds and I make pretty good money and I can survive own my own.
I done this for last 6 years. I stopped when I was going through divorce but I picked back up 2 years a go...I put $45,000 to start and my boyfriend put $15,000 just buy stones and settings ...I have distributors that I get pretty cheap and make a 300% profit when I sale.
I make pretty good so I spend my own...I buy him and all of his families gift I spend at least $4,000 on Christmas own my money.
Thank you very much.

Last edited by Lily blue; 5th October 2016 at 3:50 PM..
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Old 5th October 2016, 7:02 PM   #15
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