144rose Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I [24] have been with my boyfriend [30] for 4 years and we have a 2 year old together. We are not engaged or married and he shows no sign of wanting to do either any time soon. When I ask him if he wants to get married the answer varies. Sometimes it's a yes, sometimes it's a probably or I don't know. I'm not in a rush to get married, so it didn't really bother me that much. Though, not being engaged kind of does. That little bit more of commitment would feel better. And I feel like he should know by now. The other day he was talking to a friend and she asked him if he plans on marrying me. He said "maybe someday". Shouldn't he know by now if he wants to marry me? Deep down, I feel like if there was someone else he wouldn't be with me. But there is no other women that he's around, his work is all male. He has said that he feels stuck because we have a kid together. But that could just be my insecurities. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm wondering why you had a kid with him before ascertaining that he shared the same goals--i.e. getting engaged and married. What is prompting this to be an issue now? It doesn't appear to have been an issue 3+ years ago, when you decided to get pregnant and become parents together. What changed recently? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 If marriage is important to you, you need to have an open and honest conversation with him. Ask him to explain his hesitations, especially in light of the fact that you already have a child together. He has already made a lifelong commitment, in that sense. Ask him to clearly explain why he has reservations about marriage at this point. You might be right that he isn't invested anymore, in a romantic sense. If that's the case, you deserve to know. After 4 years and a baby, he should know whether or not he would like to marry you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 144rose Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm wondering why you had a kid with him before ascertaining that he shared the same goals--i.e. getting engaged and married. What is prompting this to be an issue now? It doesn't appear to have been an issue 3+ years ago, when you decided to get pregnant and become parents together. What changed recently? Because accidents happen. We didn't plan it but the pregnancy happened. Birth control fails. Before we had a child together he was a lot more sure that he wanted to get married. Right before our child was born I overheard him tell his friend that he was going to propose in a month. But he never did and he totally dropped mentioning it to me after that. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 Because accidents happen. We didn't plan it but the pregnancy happened. Birth control fails. Before we had a child together he was a lot more sure that he wanted to get married. Right before our child was born I overheard him tell his friend that he was going to propose in a month. But he never did and he totally dropped mentioning it to me after that. The fact that he's told he feels stuck is very concerning. I think he doesn't want to get married but doesn't know how to tell you. Would you be satisfied remaining with him in a partnership that doesn't involve legally marrying him? I feel you wouldn't, in which case you need to talk to him. Your views of the future are very different. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author 144rose Posted May 31, 2016 Author Share Posted May 31, 2016 If marriage is important to you, you need to have an open and honest conversation with him. Ask him to explain his hesitations, especially in light of the fact that you already have a child together. He has already made a lifelong commitment, in that sense. Ask him to clearly explain why he has reservations about marriage at this point. You might be right that he isn't invested anymore, in a romantic sense. If that's the case, you deserve to know. After 4 years and a baby, he should know whether or not he would like to marry you. If I ask why he doesn't know he either says that he doesn't know why, or that it's not in the budget right now. We're both finishing university. But even though a wedding isn't in the budget, knowing you want to get married doesn't cost money. Even being engaged doesn't really cost much (I don't like diamonds or expensive rings and he knows that). But yet, he'll blow a few thousand on a vacation. He knows how I feel. But he's not sure so he doesn't want to commit. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 If I ask why he doesn't know he either says that he doesn't know why, or that it's not in the budget right now. We're both finishing university. But even though a wedding isn't in the budget, knowing you want to get married doesn't cost money. Even being engaged doesn't really cost much (I don't like diamonds or expensive rings and he knows that). But yet, he'll blow a few thousand on a vacation. He knows how I feel. But he's not sure so he doesn't want to commit. This makes no sense, as he's already committed by fathering your child. Sorry, but after 4 years and a baby...he isn't going to marry you. I think the writing is on the wall here. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I think the issue is that you've tiptoed around it for so long, he quite understandably feels it's not a priority to you or that he can not marry you and you'll still be together. Back when you got pregnant would have been a good time to discuss your plans for the future re marriage. And when he said he was proposing within a month and then didn't, why didn't you ask him why he hadn't? Because it's usually the guy proposing, so many women seem to think it's all in their hands and they can only sit back and wait and see when he decides to do it, if at all. I commend you for bringing it up now, but when he says he feels stuck and is on the fence about marriage, he's giving you his answer. If he wanted to marry you, you'd have a ring on your finger and a date, if not have had the ceremony already. I'm sorry to say but it sounds like he's coasting and not as invested in the R as you. What you have to decide is whether you're happy remaining partners for the long run, and keeping your child's family together, or whether being married is a big enough goal for you that you'd prefer to end it and find someone who does want marriage. If he weren't saying things like being stuck, I'd be inclined to stay in your position, after all you're living together and have a child so marriage would just be icing on the cake, but given how he's sending strong signals he's lost commitment and interest to you, it may be worth sitting him down for a real, open discussion about whether you're both happy, what you want from a R, and when. Try not to get angry or upset or defensive and you might uncover what he's thinking, whether it's just YOU he doesn't wanna marry, whether he disagrees with marriage overall, whether it's purely financial, or what. However, that's just me. Marriage isn't the be all and end all for me and the vast majority of my friends with kids aren't married, I know to some it's much more important and symbolic of the commitment and can make you feel more secure and gives you more rights. Only you know how much that means to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 This makes no sense, as he's already committed by fathering your child. Sorry, but after 4 years and a baby...he isn't going to marry you. I think the writing is on the wall here. This. It doesn't take 4 years to know if marriage is in the cards. The vague answers show that he isn't interested in proposing either. I don't understand women who give men babies with no real commitment and then complain when their children's fathers aren't interested in marriage. Most men will stall on marriage if they are getting every benefit of a wife without taking the plunge. As for birth control failing, BC is only as as effective as the people who use it. I have been sexually active for more than ten years and I have never been pregnant. If I can do that, other women can do the same as well. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 If it hasn't happened after 4 years and a kid , it won't happen in future. While you can't turn back the clock but you could have broached the topic soon after knowing that you were pregnant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 You haven't been "dating" for four years at all - you jumped ahead to create a family with someone who isn't fully committed and likely never will be. I don't see it happening at this point, I'm afraid. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I [24] have been with my boyfriend [30] for 4 years and we have a 2 year old to Shouldn't he know by now if he wants to marry me? Deep down, I feel like if there was someone else he wouldn't be with me. But there is no other women that he's around, his work is all male. He has said that he feels stuck because we have a kid together. But that could just be my insecurities. The bolded statement is troubling. This means he's only with you because of the kid. Do you really want to be married to a man who stays only for the child? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 T I don't understand women who give men babies with no real commitment and then complain when their children's fathers aren't interested in marriage. Most men will stall on marriage if they are getting every benefit of a wife without taking the plunge. Unfortunately there's a lot of this going on these days and the guys just aren't committed even after the child is born. Women need to make sure the man is in love and committed to them before they give the man a child. This is for the child's security as well as the mothers but people don't seem to understand this. Also there are hundreds of forms of birth control with the best being abstinence so there really is no excuse. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 I'm not in a rush to get married, so it didn't really bother me that much. Though, not being engaged kind of does. That little bit more of commitment would feel better. And I feel like he should know by now. I find that interesting. Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life? Because that is marriage. It's not just taking a step up a commitment ladder that is supposed to happen at X number of months after a relationship starts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cinnamonstix Posted May 31, 2016 Share Posted May 31, 2016 OP, Forget about what your bf thinks about marriage for a moment. I think you might be so focussed on what he wants or how things should be that you're not looking at your own feelings. Are YOU really happy? So happy that you want to do this everyday for the rest of your life? Are you two truly in love? Back to your bf... the being stuck part and the fact that he USED to talk about marrying you all the time and was even going to propose tells me that he has lost the desire to marry you and is unsure of your future together. His complacency likely shows in other ways too, not just in his lack of proposing. So I'm willing to bet that your honest answers to the questions above aren't a resounding "yes." Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 (edited) Unfortunately there's a lot of this going on these days and the guys just aren't committed even after the child is born. Women need to make sure the man is in love and committed to them before they give the man a child. This is for the child's security as well as the mothers but people don't seem to understand this. Also there are hundreds of forms of birth control with the best being abstinence so there really is no excuse. Exactly. More than two men wanted me to have their children without being married and I laughed at them. Not only was I childfree but I never believed in having children out of wedlock precisely because of situations like this. Edited June 1, 2016 by BettyDraper 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 He doesn't want to get married but he doesn't want to come right out and say it either because he's afraid you will end the relationship or more likely because he just doesn't want you to have some big fight about it with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Madame_Noire Posted June 1, 2016 Share Posted June 1, 2016 I find that interesting. Do you want to be with this man for the rest of your life? Because that is marriage. It's not just taking a step up a commitment ladder that is supposed to happen at X number of months after a relationship starts. I think she will already be with this man for the rest of her life, one way or another, she has his child. People can get married and get divorced and that is that (providing there are no kids etx), however a child will be there for the foreseeable. Link to post Share on other sites
JLeaks3 Posted June 3, 2016 Share Posted June 3, 2016 Rose, I'm sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to your pain and the only thing I can offer you is my story and hopefully it will provide some insights for you as you decide how to move forward. Like you, my husband and I had a child before we married. The thing is, we always talked about getting married so it was just an expectation. When we accidentally got pregnant, I didn't want to get married right away because it seemed like a shotgun wedding. He ended up proposing a few months after the birth of our son. But even after the engagement, there was no sense of urgency to tie the knot. I sort of went through the motions of planning a wedding, he was the typical not-into-details kind of guy. It took forever to have him agree to a date. We finally decided in NYE and I had gone as far as ordering the invitations. We had put down a deposit for the reception place. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he said he wasn't sure if he wanted to get married anymore. I was devastated. I don't know if it was sheer panic or just a fight or flight reaction, but I immediately went from wedding planning to planning a life without my then fiancé. I was a student at the time with just one more year of college left, and I made the decision to move back in with my parents. I got a full-time job, I wasn't working at the time as I was going to school, but luckily summer was coming and I was just going to have to figure out to balance work and school when it started back up in the fall. I moved out within a week. We arranged to have 50/50 custody of our son (nothing legal, just a mutual understanding between the two of us). Throughout all of this, he said he just wasn't sure and he didn't want me to move out, but he didn't exactly ask me to stay either. I just made the decision that no matter what, I was going to move forward with my life, with or without him, even though I loved him very much. Looking back, I was so business like about it - like a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. It was the worst summer of my life and I don't know how I survived it other than I just didn't allow myself enough pause to really think, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. Eventually, my now husband came around and said he didn't want to live the rest of his life without me. We were married 3 months after our original wedding date. Our son was 2. And now we have 4 kids, very happily married with some bumps and bruises from life, but still very much in love. So, I'm sorry for the long story. But I just wanted to let you know that you are strong enough to choose you. Whether or not your boyfriend wants to spend the rest of his life with you as his wife, the choice is ultimately yours. I know it's scary and it hurts so badly if the answer turns out to be that he isn't the one for you, but the sooner you decide that you will move forward with yourself, the sooner you'll be able to find someone that deserves your love and devotion. Good luck to you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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