fiance hates my family...is this going to end well?

[beazy325]

if you read this, all of this, i truly appreciate it...

 

Very tough predicament I face at this point in my life. My fiance (of almost a year at this point) has openly been out with the fact that she can't stand my family. Her and I, we are very opposites. I am more laid-back and easy-going, listening type, i'm flexible, caring, and really just am trying to enjoy life. She is very sensitive, very concerned with the thoughts and feelings of others, and will always put herself above anyone else. With this, our families are different. She was raised with two types of love: 1)showering with praise, love, affection but with over protection, and 2) constant pressure to succeed, fulfill household duties and obligations, and borderline verbal abuse. regardless her parents are the type to take the shirt off their back to give to someone else. As for me, my family is representative of me. They are not super emotional, but I'd say a "standard amount", but it's always been consistent throughout my life. They have given me all of the love and support in the world, and have always been there for me. Sure they are not always the first to be showering with love, praise, and affection on any given occasion, as her parents are, but they are certainly not abusive or neglectful of me and never have been. I have an amazing relationship with my dad, he's probably my best friend at this point in my life lol (well besides her of course). And my mom is always there, and they always have a level head and keen grip on people and their on-goings. Her parents as well, but they are truly a rollercoaster of emotions. Her mom can go from being loving and caring, to totally unapproachable and almost child like with whining and crying to my fiance's father to constantly having to do things for her. yet I accept, all of this, truly, i do.

 

My fiance started over a year ago, feeling as if they favored my brother over me, in terms of support and praise comparing his accomplishments in life, to mine. She says they are always talking about his achievements and it overshadows me. For me, it's comparing apples to oranges, and they have never once compared me with the typical "why aren't you more like your brother". Sure, they are probably more proud in some ways due to a bit of a rough patch i had for a few years, but I have a career as a teacher now and I have figured my life out, and they couldn't be more proud. In fact my parents remind from time to time even of how stand up of a guy i am and that i should never be upset or things. However, it has now hit a breaking point with her. She has constant feelings of disrespect from them, she feels they don't show her the same love and support and respect they do to my sister-in-law, she feels they undermine her and exclude her from things, and she openly has now even used the words "hate" and "can't stand" my family. It's my 30th birthday at the end of this month, and she claims the straw the broke the camel's back was her saying my parents (mom mostly) have had a major lack of involvement and disinterest in trying to plan something for my birthday. First off, I told her I didn't want to know anything about my birthday if a surprise or some sort of plan I shouldn't know about is going on. However, throughout this whole planning process of my birthday she has been unhappy with how my parents have been responding to her, saying they have been difficult to deal with, they are selfish, and anything else. I feel they might have been slightly upset when initially i told my family would not be around on my actual birthday as well as easter, because i had to make the choice of being with them or going with her and her family out-of-state to visit their family. I felt I couldn't not be with her on my birthday, so i made that choice. Therefore my fiance was trying to plan a different weekend to have some sort of celebration (again, didn't want to know any of this) and I guess they have different things going different weekends. Now we aren't even going away to visit her family over my birthday/easter, so it's a lost cause with that argument. However, she feels they have not been compliant at all, I just feel it's two groups on two different pages. My parents are not selfish, don't want any credit. Just don't understand, and I'm not a part of these exchanges so I really don't know.

 

She feels under constant comparison to my brother and his wife, and that we just won't be as good as they are in any way. She feels she will never be as good as my sister-in-law. But i never knew it was a contest about who is better. Our parents went out to dinner together, and so the story goes, her parents apparently complimented me saying how much they love me and adore me and so on, and in return (so they say) my father said, we love (insert sister-in-law's name..not their daughter..not my fiance) very much too. I have never asked my dad about this to this day, but to me I just am baffled as to how or why he would say this.

 

I'm truly lost, as we've had on and off issues regarding this, as well as from time to time regarding sometimes how I am too sarcastic, or say remarks or come off as an a**hole. I know a jerk, I'm not a jerk. I have bent over backwards in so many ways to make her comfortable, avoid fights, avoid even bringing up conversations due to her being sensitive or not understanding where i'm coming from. There is a lot of miscommunication as to how things are perceived. Things I say, I don't mean certain ways and they're taken offensively or personally, and this is how it's gone. Which is why I'm not just quick to give in to her feelings about my parents and family. I'm not trying to be blind to anything either. My parents have never openly been rude to her directly, they have never yelled at her, embarrassed her, pt her down, nothing but kindness. If they were openly mean to her and made her feel awful about herself, I would be much more willing to understand. It's not as if I'm not understanding of her feelings, but her feelings and threats that she is going to leave me because of my family are truly a reality. Do people leave marriages and engagements due to true unhappiness with the other's family? I just don't know what to do, my family truly, truly are not bad people. They aren't super emotional or bubbly, but they are just who they are, and where I come from. At this point she continues to say she won't be around them and she does not want to be around them. She says "they don't respect me" so why would i give them the satisfaction - when I asked about the future of their grandchildren and them seeing them and being around them. She says she will not be at most family functions and affairs.

 

...I just don't know...I am truly doing my best to understand her side, and I know people point things out to you that you've never seen before because you've been around it and in it your whole life, but my parents are not these villains, my family are not these villains. I feel as if I'd have to make an even bigger sacrifice in not seeing or being around my family as much, and definitely with her being around them much less - if this all pans out.

Edited March 3, 2016 by beazy325

[Downtown]

Beazy, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I believe it may be worth your while to take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar -- as I suspect they will -- I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your fiance's issues. Only a professional can do that. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD might help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid a toxic marriage or avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Beazy.

[d0nnivain]

This will not end well. Your FI is misguided in her attempt to champion you to your own family. If you are happy with the way they treat you, then she needs to accept that.

 

 

My husband is 1 of 3 kids & the only one who is not a screw up. He's actually successful & well balanced. His siblings are a train wreck; one is just sort of a peter pan never grew up & the other is an outright felon. Yet his mom & dad fawn all over the other two & completely ignore him. It breaks my heart but I finally figured out that his parents are in triage mode, dealing with the kid who needs their attention at the moment before the next crisis develops. Because DH is stable, they can't see him.

 

 

I don't hate my ILs for their choices but it does break my heart. Most of the family thinks I'm a bossy B-word because I'm constantly organizing things. I threw DH a surprise 40 Birthday party with a live band & 200+ guests. Many of his family member made snide comments that this party was more elaborate then a wedding. I thought that was funny because it was a casual paper plates kind of event & nothing like a wedding, imo.

 

 

It has taken me a while to accept the differences in our families but I accept them. Until your FI can accept your family for what they can do & meet them on their level, she can't become your wife. It just won't work.

[Grumpybutfun]

Do you enjoy drama and gaslighting? If not, you need to move on from your fiancé. She is going to make your life hell with her micromanaging and emotional outbursts. You may love her, but she isn't very lovable if she is alienating you from your family. If you were a woman, many would say you are being set up for an abusive relationship. Also, Downtown is rights....her behavior is not healthy so she may have some spectrum of mood disorders.

Best of luck...this isn't going to be a fun life for you...stop being passive,

Grumps

[basil67]

Your fiance is unreasonable and you're going to spend your whole life walking on eggshells. If you can get through a wedding with her moaning about what your parents are and aren't doing, can you imagine having kids with her and trying to negotiate interaction between them, your wife and your parents? I bet nothing they do will be good enough for your kids either.

 

Please reconsider before marrying this woman.

[Miss Peach]

My own parents coexisted with my grandparents. It can work out if you aren't close to your family but it sounds like you are.

 

At some point, if you FI keeps making it an issue and isn't trusting you to deal with it, it will probably turn into having to choose between your FI and your family.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

And you just sit there while she tells you that she "hates" your parents? I would never consider marrying someone who openly dislikes my family for no good reason. You fiance has no good reason to "hate" your family.

 

Your fiance sounds insecure, jealous and suffering from a princess complex. What's worse is that you seem to be enabling her behavior.

 

In your own words, your parents were nothing but loving to you and kind to your fiance. So, why would you essentially let her bad talk your family? It's one thing if you didn't have a good relationship with your parents and you were treated poorly by them...but you weren't.

 

Getting married will only magnify the issues you're having right now with her. At some point you will get sick of bending "over backwards in so many ways to make her comfortable, avoid fights, avoid even bringing up conversations due to her being sensitive."

 

Maybe you should try some couple' counseling.

[Mr. Lucky]

Every organization I've been a part of - work, school, sports, etc. - has a person like your fiance. Their desire for drama and strife seems to be so great that they'll forment dissension, crisis and disagreement to meet their own needs. Their strategy is divide and conquer, they want you on their side and against "them", whomever they might be.

 

If it wasn't your family it would be your friends. Or employer/workmates. If you stay with her long enough, the pattern will become apparent. I'd guess she's already laid the groundwork of disapproval just in case.

 

You have some things to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky