Am I in Denial

[NotEntirelySure]

First, this may be lengthy so thank you for those who will actually read this and give opinions.

 

I was married at 22, child at 23, divorced at 28.

 

I never wanted marriage again but as I have gotten into my 30's and realized what marriage actually means-I know that I want it again.

 

I've been dating a guy for almost 3 years. We now live together and honestly have the greatest relationship. He told me in the beginning when we were just friends, hanging out (I had no desire for a romantic connection with him) that he was a commitment phobe. Ok. Whatever.

 

I did not expect to fall in love, and I honestly did not think I was even capable of feelings. I've been told I'm an ice queen-and kind of became okay with that. It was safe. Now-almost 3 years later, I'm madly in love-more than I ever was in my marriage (We were just too young and had no business getting married) and it's confirmed, I'm actually human with feelings.

 

We have discussed marriage and he has told me he's always been afraid of it. I am the first woman he has lived with, on top of me having a child. Big step for him. I do not doubt his love for me. I'm not a very needy woman, I'm confident and although I have daddy issues I'm pretty rational and grounded. BUT. Now that I have made a conscious decision that marriage is in my future again, and we have discussed it, I feel my guard coming up. He hasn't flat out told me no, rather "I just can not promise you that"

 

I would never be mad at him if he decided he didn't want it. My fear is, it will take too long for him to figure it out. He has no idea why he is afraid of it. I told him it should be taken as a compliment as he took something hard and jaded, and made it love again. He says the cliché "its not you it is me. I don't know why I'm afraid of it"

 

Anything that requires a serious commitment (even buying a house) scares him, so its safe to say he has a general fear of commitment. Fine.

 

I'm not one to give ultimatums and I would never beg for something. I am however willing to give him time to truly figure out what he wants. I'm in no rush, and I have told him this. I don't know how much time he has, but I'll know when I've reached my max for waiting.

 

I feel my guard coming up. I feel myself starting to care less about things. That is bad. When I stop caring, I will shut down and cut you off with no remorse. And when I am done. I'm done.

 

I don't want this for us. I'm trying hard to figure out if having this amazing relationship, one that people envy, is worth throwing away just b/c he will not marry me. Is it that important to me? Am I settling for less than I think I deserve, or desire? OR. Do I stay and just accept the fact that we have the most wonderful relationship, minus the marriage and somehow find a way to be content with that????

 

I told him I would never drag him anywhere. And if our lives are taking us in different directions, then we will know. But I seriously cannot imagine me without him. He has told me he thinks of marriage but it doesn't get that far. And I know he has come a long way considering he was never living w/ etc. I know people can change. I've been told, if he is not married now, at 40-its just not going to happen.

 

 

 

 

UGH>

[Qboro90]

So you say that you have the most amazing relationship and people are envious of what you two have and he's a great guy, always has been to you.

 

Could you please share or help me to understand what him saying he wants to eventually get married, or marrying him someday....causes you to relax and be content? Like what does his stance on marriage or getting married to one another change about your relationship in order to make you feel more secure?

 

You're life with him right now is just incredible and you're madly in love with one another by your words above....pretend for a moment that Marriage never existed amongst humans, just forget that it was ever invented. You're committed to him, he is committed to you and has never shown any signs that he would hurt or cheat on you. I would think that you would just enjoy life in that case. Great guy, great family..what's to worry about?

 

Him saying he wants to marry you someday or getting that marriage certificate and saying those vows... Changes absolutely nothing in the world we live in today. It's not going to eliminate or really even lessen the chance he could break your heart and leave you someday. Doesn't punish him if he falls for someone else. It's just a title and event.

 

I forgot if you said you live together but if you don't then that would be something I'd discuss with him and see if he wants to move in. If he does live with you then you are already married, you just don't have his last name and a piece of paper that says so.

[lana-banana]

If you both stand on either sides of the issue and there's no compromise (and there really isn't much room to on the act of marriage itself) it may save you a lot of heartache in the long run to go your separate ways. It's not reasonable to expect either of you to so radically change your choices because both are valid.

 

One of my best friends has been with a man for nearly a decade. While he's obviously committed and devoted, his refusal to marry has made her so unhappy. Now she's watching all of her previously single friends get married, or even remarried, and she is in a lot of pain that her boyfriend simply can't/won't alleviate. Is an otherwise great relationship worth that kind of stress?

[turnera]

First, this may be lengthy so thank you for those who will actually read this and give opinions.

 

I was married at 22, child at 23, divorced at 28.

 

I never wanted marriage again but as I have gotten into my 30's and realized what marriage actually means-I know that I want it again.

 

I've been dating a guy for almost 3 years. We now live together and honestly have the greatest relationship. He told me in the beginning when we were just friends, hanging out (I had no desire for a romantic connection with him) that he was a commitment phobe. Ok. Whatever.

 

I did not expect to fall in love, and I honestly did not think I was even capable of feelings. I've been told I'm an ice queen-and kind of became okay with that. It was safe. Now-almost 3 years later, I'm madly in love-more than I ever was in my marriage (We were just too young and had no business getting married) and it's confirmed, I'm actually human with feelings.

 

We have discussed marriage and he has told me he's always been afraid of it. I am the first woman he has lived with, on top of me having a child. Big step for him. I do not doubt his love for me. I'm not a very needy woman, I'm confident and although I have daddy issues I'm pretty rational and grounded. BUT. Now that I have made a conscious decision that marriage is in my future again, and we have discussed it, I feel my guard coming up. He hasn't flat out told me no, rather "I just can not promise you that"

 

I would never be mad at him if he decided he didn't want it. My fear is, it will take too long for him to figure it out. He has no idea why he is afraid of it. I told him it should be taken as a compliment as he took something hard and jaded, and made it love again. He says the cliché "its not you it is me. I don't know why I'm afraid of it"

 

Anything that requires a serious commitment (even buying a house) scares him, so its safe to say he has a general fear of commitment. Fine.

 

I'm not one to give ultimatums and I would never beg for something. I am however willing to give him time to truly figure out what he wants. I'm in no rush, and I have told him this. I don't know how much time he has, but I'll know when I've reached my max for waiting.

 

I feel my guard coming up. I feel myself starting to care less about things. That is bad. When I stop caring, I will shut down and cut you off with no remorse. And when I am done. I'm done.

 

I don't want this for us. I'm trying hard to figure out if having this amazing relationship, one that people envy, is worth throwing away just b/c he will not marry me. Is it that important to me? Am I settling for less than I think I deserve, or desire? OR. Do I stay and just accept the fact that we have the most wonderful relationship, minus the marriage and somehow find a way to be content with that????

 

I told him I would never drag him anywhere. And if our lives are taking us in different directions, then we will know. But I seriously cannot imagine me without him. He has told me he thinks of marriage but it doesn't get that far. And I know he has come a long way considering he was never living w/ etc. I know people can change. I've been told, if he is not married now, at 40-its just not going to happen.

 

Why do you need a marriage? I think that's the more important question. And why is the lack of a marriage allowing you to change how you feel about him?

 

Sounds like an issue YOU have more so than his commitment phobia.

[buck3200]

Unless it is for reasons of faith,why is it so important to have the goverment give you a piece of paper approving of your RS....

[Appleness]

OP,

 

I think this is something that you need to discuss with him after doing a bit of soul-searching yourself.

 

I get it. I'm the same way. Part of me feels that the commitment itself is so much more than the act of getting married but unfortunately, society as a whole sees relationship status as a hierarchy. Therefore, this means that if you are his girlfriend than they interpret this as you are only his girlfriend (aka not good enough to be his wife. From a legal standpoint, there are also lots of things that put you at a certain disadvantage now (spousal benefits from insurance, social security, and tax breaks) and the fact that you are not considered his family in case of death. Those are just some reasons that I talked about when my partner and I talked about marriage. I'm sure you will have your own.

 

Everyone loves differently. For me, I can't wholeheartedly love and give my all unless I have trust and security in a relationship. I've been in relationships in the past where my partner wanted passion and novelty so things weren't a good match. Figure out what you want and ask him what he wants. Make a list if you have to; and yes, it sounds unromantic but you'll get to see if what you both want is the same long-term. Don't put pressure on him (like an ultimatum) but realize that no matter how great he is, if he can't give you what makes you happy, then even if you marry, you'll never have a good marriage.

 

The decision is yours to make. You have to figure out what you will be happy with regardless of what he says. Good luck.

[introverted1]

Anything that requires a serious commitment (even buying a house) scares him, so its safe to say he has a general fear of commitment. Fine.

 

Personally, I could live without marriage but the quote above concerns me. If he is unwilling to even buy a house together, does this mean your entire lifestyle has to revolve around his fear of commitment? That's a bigger issue, imo.

[Miss Peach]

I was in a relationship that sounded a lot like the OP at one time. Over time my gut didn't feel good about the situation and I felt I was settling. Playing house wasn't enough so I ended it.

 

One think I learned about being emotionally unavailable is you can also be unavailable by asking for commitment from someone who will never give it to you.

[lookin ahead]

Personally, I could live without marriage but the quote above concerns me. If he is unwilling to even buy a house together, does this mean your entire lifestyle has to revolve around his fear of commitment? That's a bigger issue, imo.

 

I agree with this, if he is not even willing to get a house together and just be more official, then why date someone just because, there is definitely something else going on. I mean marriage itself okay, i get it its not a necessity but i mean you both live together, you have a child which he obviously had to consider which is not his, this sounds like commitment to me so whats up with his excuses makes no sense, you both are practically married. Let me ask you, do you cook? do you clean, do his laundry etc? That's not so different from marriage, your already doing everything a wife does except...you know without the title and without the commitment meaning the day he gets bored he can easily walk without any legal concerns..? you both want different things, you want to be official and call it what it is, he doesn't.

 

you say it doesn't matter but your saying eventually you will be distant etc so it obviously bothers you. It's clear you want to marry him and this has been bugging you just be clear with him.

Edited October 9, 2015 by lookin ahead

[bathtub-row]

I think your bf has good reason to fear marriage. It has been my experience that marriage tends to ruin a great relationship. I can't tell you why this happens but it does with amazing consistency.

 

The famous magician, David Copperfield, once said that he will never marry his gf because he knows that marriage changes him. He gave his gf a ring and said that they are "forever engaged". This is a man who is trying to preserve his relationship, not run away from it.

 

I don't know what would change if you and your bf marry but typically men stay more interested and feel more alive when they know the woman can leave at any time, and that he has no claim on her. You may say that would all be true even if you were married but that's usually not how it works.

 

I don't know what the solution is for you but it may help to truly analyze your feelings about why marriage is so important to you when you already have a great thing going.

[Mr. Lucky]

But I seriously cannot imagine me without him. He has told me he thinks of marriage but it doesn't get that far.

 

Are you thinking about having a child with him? What's his reaction to that?

 

Mr. Lucky