Engaged- In Need of

[FeelingBluee]

Hello-

 

I am recently engaged and seeking some help. I apologize if there is already a post about this, but looking through I could not find one. So here is my story:

 

I met my fiancé over three years ago. Right from the beginning I felt something more for my FI than I ever did for anyone else. He is truly a kind, generous, loving person, something that I have never had in a previous relationship. I always went for the bad guy and finally had fob for a good guy and was beyond thrilled that it was my FI.

 

I've never lasted in a relationship after two years. I always knew it was time to get out because I couldn't see a future with them. And I was extremely happy and surprised to have made it past 2 years with my FI happy as ever. I knew I wanted to marry him. The love I have for him is unconditional. We have made it through the toughest times together and I can truly say when I look to my future he is 110% in it. A little before out two year I got diagnosed with sever anxiety and major depression. I had just graduated school, moved out on my own, and was starting a new job that I was NOT excited to start. I never left the house because I was so down and I always cried. I also gained a lot of weight. I started to project the way I was feeling onto my boyfriend. I was diagnosed last September. Then our two year was had passed and I was petrified. I knew my pattern and felt like ok two years is here time to leave and it instantly made me cry. I never felt like I needed to leave until someone said oh yeah your two year is year just happened. You made it longer then your past relationships. I got scared. In my last relationships I left at two years because they hit me, cheated on me, and made me feel worthless and my FI is NOTHING LIKE THAT. He is truly one in a million and I'm so blessed to have him in my life and by my side.

 

I went through several spirals. I saw therapists who told me it wasn't because I wanted to leave my FI it was because of my pattern. My body was used to my pattern and that was why I had that thought. I have dreamt of the day that my FI proposed and kept wanting it to happen. I knew I wanted to marry him and spend my life with him. But my depression and anxiety are still bad.

 

A few days ago my FI finally proposed and I'm scared. I was SO excited the day it happened. I couldn't wipe the stupid smile off my face. And the way he did it through my expectations right out of the park. I'm Nots scared because I don't want to be with him but just because it actually happened the thing I've been dreaming about since I met him and I'm just still so surprised. But, I feel like I'm not as excited as I should be. I thought I would be jumping but instead my anxiety has spiked. Not because I'm engaged but just because life is changing. It's truly a scary thing. But for those who will say I'm doubting I should get out, I'm not doubting. There is no doubt in my mind he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

 

I guess my real questions are:

1. Is it normal to have been so excited leading up to the proposal but when it finally happens you are like in shock and scared?

 

2. Can depression and anxiety suppress the excited feelings? Can it do anything to make me feel not excited like I do right now?

 

3. I truly do want to marry him, he is the love of my life and the most genuine person I have ever met. He is the one I see growing old with on a bench at the park. He is the one I see myself having children with. And I've never seen that with someone else, ever!

 

Also I should have mentioned my boyfriend and I had always discussed getting married on a beach and now that we are engaged, after telling my parents who are paying they refuse to let me get married on the beach. And I wanted to jump right into planning because I knew that would make me so excited but my FI doesn't want to. He won't even choose a season which upset me. And my parents are being rude and annoying about planning, I simply think that they forget I'm getting married not them.

 

Please help!

[d0nnivain]

You do need to seek professional help with your conditions. Marriage is one of the the biggest stressors in life even though it's a happy thing. It's a big change & a huge commitment.

 

First thing you need to learn about wedding is the Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules. If your parents are generous enough to pay for your wedding, what they say goes. My parents were sweet enough to pay for my wedding. DH & I wanted an tiny intimate affair < 50 people. We had a 3 ring circus with over 400 because that is the party my parents threw for us. So if you really want to have a beach wedding, have one but you pay for it.

 

Also men don't get as excited about the planning & have little idea how much goes into wedding planning so don't press your FI too hard. It would be helpful if he chose a season but have some of these conversations softly & gradually. If you have a specific dream tell him. He'll probably be happy to oblige just to avoid having to put too much effort into it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that weddings are more about brides then grooms.

 

Finally check out http://www.theknot.com It's a wedding planning site.

[oohlala]

Anxiety and depression can ABSOLUTELY interfere. I live with both - i have General Anxiety Disorder and also Major Depressive Disorder, Treatment Resistant.

 

The kick in the balls though, is that even if you're treating it, your meds can also make it hard for you to feel excitement. I WOULD encourage seeing a professional and treating it anyway though - because while you may not be able to feel ALL the butterflies, you'll have more peace of mind with decision-making and you'll all-around feel better and be better able to appreciate the good that is happening.

 

I occasionally have panic days where I question everything - I mean, work, relationships, the glass of water I just drank....my partner knows this and we try to be very transparent about what we're feeling and what our needs are.

 

But yes, my disordered thinnking has had me question our engagement, then later when I'm thinking straight again I go back to not being able to wait.

 

I think i'ts nornal to have moments here and there where nothing feels right and you're freaked out when making such an enormous life change as devoting your life to another person. Publically. In a dress. With photographs. lol.

[oohlala]

You do need to seek professional help with your conditions. Marriage is one of the the biggest stressors in life even though it's a happy thing. It's a big change & a huge commitment.

 

First thing you need to learn about wedding is the Golden Rule: He who has the gold makes the rules. If your parents are generous enough to pay for your wedding, what they say goes. My parents were sweet enough to pay for my wedding. DH & I wanted an tiny intimate affair < 50 people. We had a 3 ring circus with over 400 because that is the party my parents threw for us. So if you really want to have a beach wedding, have one but you pay for it.

 

Also men don't get as excited about the planning & have little idea how much goes into wedding planning so don't press your FI too hard. It would be helpful if he chose a season but have some of these conversations softly & gradually. If you have a specific dream tell him. He'll probably be happy to oblige just to avoid having to put too much effort into it. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means that weddings are more about brides then grooms.

 

Finally check out www.theknot.com It's a wedding planning site.

 

Great advice.

 

Also, speaking of theknot...

 

You know, I'm 35, have a stable, successful career and I'm capable of holding a fair amount of responsibilty and management in the office - but wedding planning is NOT FOR THE WEAK. lol.

 

I have literally no idea how people plan *real* weddings -- we're sort of buying a package for our teeny "Wedding for Two," and seriously, I have to make like 4 decisions.

 

I find this life-changingly overwhelming. LOL! And, we're not even spending a lot, either. It's more than JOP and a backyard BBQ would be, but seriously -- I think even with our rings (we didn't do an engagement ring, we decided to just secretly run off and do it), my dress, the cake, accomodations, the venue etc. we're getting away with spending like $2500, probably less. And that's mostly because it's a "destination" weekend for us.

[acrosstheuniverse]

You need to get some treatment for your anxiety and depression. You have a couple different options there. Do you feel like your past abusive relationships have contributed to the anxiety and depression you now feel within this relationship? If so it might be worth looking into some counselling to help you deal with that. A women's shelter would be a good place to call to ask around for an organisation that specifically helps women recover from abusive relationships. Usually it's a more specialist area than a general counsellor.

 

Your other option is to try cognitive behavioural therapy. CBT helps you to look at the way your thoughts, your behaviours and your feelings are interlinked. It can help you to rationalise and weigh up negative thinking patterns that are leading onto you feeling down or on edge, it can help you to understand exactly what anxiety IS (knowing can be half the battle with something like anxiety especially) and can give you coping techniques for handling the anxiety so that you can start pushing yourself back into doing day to day things that you've stopped since they made you anxious.

 

Some people choose to go for counselling first and deal with the deeper issues before moving onto CBT, if they still need it. Some don't want to drag up the past and just go for CBT so that they can start learning how to manage their anxiety and depression practically as soon as possible. You don't have to let these control your life, there are ways that you can get it under control instead.

 

Once you have your mental health a little more in control, you might find that you feel better about your relationship overall. If you start to feel better in yourself and still feel down about the relationship and bummed out about being engaged, at least you'll know then it's down to the relationship and the guy, not your mental health. Depression absolutely can suppress excitement over stuff. It can make you lose interest in anything, even the best thing that's ever happened to you. But until you get some treatment for this, you'll never know what's the relationship, and what's your own stuff.