What am I doing?

[evangeline6]

I want to preface this by saying I've had a hard week and it was topped off by me having to notify someone's daughter that their mother passed away. It's the worst conversation to have. Thank you for letting me vent about what is stressing me out and thank you for your comments if you have any.

 

 

My boyfriend was there for me when I got diagnosed with MS. It was the worst day of my life. I collapsed in the street and he carried me home, 7 blocks in 90 degree weather. My mother was so upset she cried and hung up the phone out of shock. People were at a loss of what to say and how to comfort me, and I was expecting the comfort I'd always given them. He was the only one who showed me compassion. I wasn't feeling attractive, poking myself with needles and leaving puncture marks all over my skin and constantly being in pain, adapting to using a cane everywhere when I had once been so active. He was my anchor, he constantly reminded me that I am beautiful. I'm still dealing with so much bs, work discrimination, loss of friends, losing confidence in my abilities at work and for my doctoral applications but he makes me laugh and I feel like I can distract myself from some of the terrible things that are happening.

 

He wanted to get married when we went to Vegas 2 weeks ago. I don't think he is sees marriage as a serious thing, or holds it in the same regard that I do. He told me to get a wedding dress from forever 21 and we could get married in the hotel chapel...without a ring. I don't know what the rush is and I would like to invite my family and friends. And I have the following reservations...I wish I didn't because he's also a wonderful person:

 

We've been together for while. We were friends first. He's lovely and affectionate but also manipulative and a klepto. It's confusing and it hurts because he was my hero. He's got me so confused I had to look up manipulation on wikihow and i have 2 degrees in psychology...my current research involves sociopathy and narcissism. i'm blinded by love? Every time I call him on his sh*t he says, "but I love you, I'm working hard to save for your ring."

 

He took my extra meds after I said he could not have them, I need extra in case my doctor cancels last minute or I can't take the day off of work or I can't wait all day to see the doctor for 5 minutes. I clearly said no, but the next morning he left early for work and when I eventually got up, my meds were gone. I called him to yell and he said that I consented while I was half asleep. If I already said no, why would he ask again while I'm clearly not awake? He said that this wasn't manipulation because he was honestly telling me what happened. He left work early because I said I was breaking up with him and he returned my meds. He steals from many stores that we go to, if I pick something up and decide I don't want it because it doesn't fit in my budget, he takes it. I guess he thinks he's being a nice guy. I can afford to buy those things, I just choose not to because I'm trying to budget.

 

He stole all my lighters. I know that's hilarious, that's a commonly stolen thing. But I had to use the stove as a light and I lit my some of my hair on fire (it doesn't really show, but it smelled bad) and I already told him to quit doing that. One of the lighters was a fancy silver plated one that I had to return to my friend. First my sister's husband stole it and I got it back then my boyfriend took it. I should've just hid it away as soon as it was returned. But I never thought my boyfriend would do that. He never gave it back and he denies taking it. When his phone was broken, he asked to borrow my cell phone while he made a short stop to his mother's house and I trusted him. I just said, "please don't go through my phone, but you can use it to call a cab to come back here." That was dumb, all my friends tell me that was foolish. But I don't look through anyone's stuff. And he swore that he wouldn't. He looked at everything and was irate about it. I had to act like a typical guy and say "well you shouldn't have been looking and this was before we were serious. those guys are just friends."

 

He told me he would dump me if I ever gained weight. Well I have. In all the right places. The MS medication has the strange side effect of weight gain in mostly the boobs and the ass. He on the other hand, has gained about 15 lbs, mostly in the stomach, some in the butt which looks good on him. I tried to not say anything and just join a gym together so I can get my leg strength back and he can lose weight, but now he's not going. What I said was cruel and I wouldn't want anyone to say it to me. Ex boyfriends have been cruel to me when I was younger, making comments about my body that brought me to tears and motivated my anorexia. I can't believe how cruel I was.

 

He works more now so he thinks he's entitled to vices like eating junk food excessively, drinking more and smoking blunts instead of vaping or water pipe. I get really worried about his health and he sees it as me nagging. I watched him cough up his lungs in my garbage can after smoking blunts for a week and then switching to a water pipe to please me. Now he's getting an ulcer too. After all the pleading for him to eat healthier and exercise, he did try to go to the gym once last week and he ate 4 baby spinach leaves. He's not trying hard enough and his health is suffering. I have to worry about myself and now him. It's a lot of anxiety.

 

When I look at it from the outside, it seems like these are little things I'm freaking out about, which is what he wants me to think as well. But truthfully, his behavior is making me really depressed and anxious. He refused to leave the security line to throw out his water when we were in the airport. He put it near the outside of the scanner. The woman TSA agent got angry and asked the other TSA agent to touch my breasts through my bra in front of hundreds of people even though I walked through the scanner, which is really thorough. He thought I was being racially profiled. He actually walked way ahead of me while I watched people's reactions to me being publicly groped for no reason. No one else was checked in the entire line.

 

I depend on him for a lot because of my illness. I was talking to two other people before we became serious and they disappeared once I got diagnosed and needed more from them emotionally. I feel like that's how it's going to be for me from now on if I leave. But I really don't want to leave him because he is a very unique & rare person. I love him. He doesn't shy away from showing how much he loves me. The two poles of devotion/love & manipulation/lies are...I don't even have words for how conflicted I am and upset. I use the word frustrated a lot when we text and I told him that word doesn't mean anything anymore because he doesn't change or stop manipulating. It's so natural to him, he doesn't know he's doing it. In my research I came across these traits and I discussed them with him, in terms of sociopathy and narcissism. Now I'm living my research and I can't handle it. I've been bringing up examples of his thoughtlessness, manipulation and lies in real time, but it's exhausting. It's emotionally exhausting to deal with manipulation.

 

I asked him to leave me alone for a week so I can think. But so far I've come up with, I don't think we can get married. Thank you for listening (i mean reading)

Edited July 25, 2015 by evangeline6

[StalwartMind]

A lot of things that can be said to reading this. Being diagnosed with MS or for that matter other issues, is a stark reminder of how fragile we can be. When we are younger we don't always pay much attention to all the various conditions, unless we grew up with having something like that close to us. This certainly contributes to uneasiness and feeling a great disturbance with thoughts when suddenly your daily day changes. It is something that can (or should) make most people feel humble at how we are all at the mercy of our bodies.

 

Your boyfriend certainly is a mixed adventure, I'm not here to judge the good or bad, but I will reflect on the things you said. I know it's easy to point fingers at the obvious wrongs, and while I don't condone of stealing or other traits that are generally perceived bad, I will say the following. We all have flaws of varying levels, even compassionate, caring and loving people can have sides that are a contradiction to their other qualities. There's no doubt he is good for you on many levels, but at the same time it also appears as if he is being the one dragging you down in other areas. In an odd way you could always imagine that his good and bad balances itself out, but when the negative sides take over, that's when you feel a greater worry and concern with it all.

 

When you already struggle with a condition that makes things more difficult or drastically changes you life, you become a lot more aware of just how important it is to maintain a good health. We could all probably do a lot better, but there are just so many factors in life that prevent us from fully devoting to "all" important aspects of a truly perfect and healthy life. Time is never on our side in that regard. Wanting him to eat better, and just take better care of himself is not just for you, it's actually for his own good. I can't explain why people act, think or believe the way they do, I can only account for my own thoughts, but I do ponder a lot why we so often choose the lesser ideal choice.

 

I would honestly have a hard time myself finding peace in a relationship such as yours, but it likely has a lot to do with that my own life and those around me is greatly in tune with my own. To some this may seem unreal, but I attempt to avoid most negative influences, especially if it comes to people that inflict a lot of unwanted problems. I'm sure you've given this a lot of thought, and you even stated you are in a lot of anxiety. Facing what you are, it would be extremely difficult to feel otherwise, especially because some choices you may consider, could potentially put you in a "worse" position as you do depend on help.

 

It certainly isn't for me to push you in any direction, I do however believe you need to think about yourself, and sometimes yes that means staying in less than "optimal" places as well as with people that may not be the best for you. Real friends as well as family typically show their true face when things changes a lot. While I'm sure it's great for many people to have a lot of friends, I'd still any single day pick 1 good friend over 100 mediocre ones. All of our lives are so different and we are living in a world that is constantly shifting with both standards and how we react to things. We all have our own ideas and opinions on how to best address issues, all I know is that, this is your life and you deserve to enjoy it to the best of your ability regardless of what anyone will tell you. Yes even me and all I've said, it's just something for you to read, and think about, never to follow as if it was an ultimate rule. I don't need people to agree with me or like my perspective on life, if they do that's great but I feel it's up to each of us to decide however we wish to live this thing we call life.

 

It's probably a good idea to not even thinking about marriage this very second, take some time while you are alone, clear your thoughts and try to reflect on everything. Including all that will be said in this thread as well as what others close to you may have to offer. In the end there isn't really a right or wrong decision, there is just whatever choice you end up picking. I can easily imagine this going several ways, but the end outcome is and always be uncertain. None of us know the future and so many things can happen, both good and bad. Just an even bigger reminder of how we should all try to make the most out of every day that we do get to spend here on Earth.