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my dilema with somebody else's pre-wedding events


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Old 20th February 2015, 1:25 PM   #1
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my dilema with somebody else's pre-wedding events

A dear friend is getting married in April. I didn't think & booked my flight & hotel room already.

Today I find out that a friend of the Bride's who I HATE will be there. Everybody including the bride knows how much I despise that chick. Before you tell me how strong of a word hate is, let me assure you it's not strong enough.

Now I don't want to go to the wedding at all. 25+ years ago that horrible woman did something that almost got me arrested for something she did (drugs) which would have cost me my professional license & possibly my freedom. I have never forgiven that person & never will because she never stopped with the drugs. At the time she actually said I was over reacting. Granted she was high but still . . .

In the wedding city, how am I going to get out of the bachelorette party, the day of fun before the wedding, the rehearsal dinner, & the post wedding BBQ / brunch?

At the wedding there will be 200 people so I can avoid the woman I hate. These other events will be smaller & it will be much harder to ignore her.

On some level I feel like I'm cutting my nose off despite my face because if I don't go to these things I will end up sitting alone in a hotel room for 5 days. It will also ruin my husband's good time. He has never met the woman I hate BTW.

I'm thinking about paying the money to change my tickets. I'll fly in the morning of the wedding & fly out the next day just to avoid that other woman.

I'm so pissed at myself for booking early to "save money".
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Old 20th February 2015, 2:30 PM   #2
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I will start by saying I have never felt such dislike for anyone, so can't relate at all.

That being said I have to ask.. Can you not grin and bear it, for your friend? It is HER wedding after all. HER event, HER day. And if you're invited to all these festivities, including the rehearsal dinner, it seems she holds you in very high esteem. I am also sure you can ignore her during the meals.
Maybe the bachelorette party will be hardest, as there will be less people and maybe not a sit down thing with people between you and the woman you hate, but the other parts? Can you not deal with it?
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Old 20th February 2015, 5:14 PM   #3
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25+ years is a really long time to hold onto hate. I'm not saying that you should forgive and be all smiles but there's a saying that is something about holding onto hate is like picking up a hot coal to throw at someone.

Maybe it's time to move on from those feelings and let them go as they will be causing you more mental harm than good.
JMHO
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Old 20th February 2015, 5:32 PM   #4
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I can understand why you hate this woman, but you are only doing yourself harm by holding onto the anger. This happened a long time ago, and there's a chance she hasn't changed and you will still hate her, but holding onto anger like this for so long does nothing but harm yourself.

There are many sayings and tips online about letting go of anger and hatred. Nothing positive comes from holding onto it.

Try to look to the future and forget about the past. This weekend is not for you, it's for your friend.
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Old 20th February 2015, 6:06 PM   #5
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Suck it up and go to some of the events.

Skip some events with the excuse of needing a mini vacation with your h. Spend some time exploring the city and tearing up that hotel room. I wish we'd made more time for that when we traveled to a wedding last year!
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Old 20th February 2015, 7:15 PM   #6
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Normally I don't even think about her. She is of no concern of mine & when not in the same room we have peacefully co-existed for decades. I never once told anybody to stop being friends with her. Heck, I never even told them what she did to me; I always said that was between me & her. I even helped her son out when he was injured several years ago. I don't harbor any ill will toward her son.

My fear comes from the same place it was born. She put drugs into something that belonged to me so she could avoid getting charged. Nothing happened to me, THANK GOD! & I threw the drugs out.

But since she still does drugs, how can I go to these events & grin & bear it / have a good time all the while wondering if she's holding & whether just out of spite she will try to do something like that again? Don't tell me she has grown up & won't do it. I have seen recent evidence of her spiteful behavior (aimed toward others) & continued illegal activities. Other mutual friends regale me with stories of her antics because they think it's funny.

The bride did this to me once before because it upsets her that the woman & I don't get along. She invited me to something & point blank denied that this other woman would be there. I believed her because the other woman lives 2,000 miles away. When I walked in & saw the woman (the bride was then the happy graduate who got her degree as an adult) I hugged the bride/graduate, called her out for lying to me, & left. It was a long time before I spoke to the bride again.
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Old 20th February 2015, 9:00 PM   #7
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I can understand your fear, but now you know what she's capable of, so you can just keep your possessions about you, making sure she goes no where near them.

I have no idea if she'd try to do it again or not. But since you know it is possible, you have a defence. And can otherwise ignore the woman. Maybe skip the bachelorette party, as that might be trickier o avoid interacting with her, but I can't see the bride placing you anywhere near this woman during the rehearsal dinner and surely you will be able to avoid her during the post wedding festivities, as there should be plenty of people about?
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Old 20th February 2015, 9:52 PM   #8
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I would suck it up and go. You are a mature woman now. Plus do it for the bride!

And make sure you drink!!
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Old 21st February 2015, 8:51 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Josmatjes View Post
And make sure you drink!!
Hell No! If I am around her I have to have my wits about me.

I spoke to my husband last night. Then I got no sleep because I had these horrible nightmares involving me, her, & bunch of rats. It was awful.

DH is being supportive in that it's my choice but he made it clear that if I am going to be this upset he'd rather not go & be miserable.

I can't imagine going & being anything other than stressed and annoyed.

I haven't made up my mind yet.

I am wondering what kind of person that makes me that my hate for her is stronger than my love for my friend? Then again logic tells me that if she's still up to her old tricks I could jeopardize my entire life, career, everything i have worked for. Attending a friend's wedding pales in comparison.
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Old 21st February 2015, 11:07 AM   #10
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UGH.

Teach me to be proactive & book early.

I'm going to lose $400 if I cancel my plane reservations. I thought it was only going to be $150. I would have eaten the $150 but not $400.

All I have to say is that B!tch better give me a really wide berth while we are there. The bride also better kiss my A$$ for putting up with this.
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Old 12th March 2015, 4:25 PM   #11
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It's not about YOU!

It's about your friend. You need to suck it up and do this for your friend.
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Old 12th March 2015, 4:41 PM   #12
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This whole wedding thing has turned into a bit of a nightmare, hasn't it?

I mean, first there's the pressure of being asked to share with a woman you don't even know (have people stopped giving you a hard time about that, by the way?)

Now you're considering biting your nose to spite your face, because the "She-Devil" is going to be there...

Honestly, how much do you think you are really going to enjoy this? It all sounds a lot more stressful than it's going to be worth...!

Have you actually spoken to the Bride, yet, about this whole deal?

Maybe you should contact this woman and tell her up-front:

"I hear you are coming to <Bride's> wedding. let me make this absolutely clear to you:
Come within 10 feet of me and I will do whatever is necessary to make it loud and clear to everyone what a scumball I consider you to be. And let me add: This is between you and me. I haven't told anyone else I'm speaking with you about this, so if it gets out, and others know about it, it will have come from you - not me.

Are we clear?"

Forewarned is fore-armed....
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Old 13th March 2015, 6:48 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
A dear friend
This "dear friend" doesn't know how much you hate this woman, or why?

Maybe time to explain. I would tell her that you aren't asking her to choose one friend over the other, but simply if this woman attends, you will not.
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Old 13th March 2015, 9:01 AM   #14
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This "dear friend" doesn't know how much you hate this woman, or why?

Maybe time to explain. I would tell her that you aren't asking her to choose one friend over the other, but simply if this woman attends, you will not.


The bride knows I hate this woman & has known this for 25+ years. Several years ago when the bride graduated from college she threw herself a party & invited us both but didn't tell me the other woman was attending. She lives in the Midwest so it wasn't like I expected to see her. I walked in, saw her & walked out.


The invitations already went out. The bride can't uninvited everybody. I already paid for my tickets before I found out the other woman was coming & couldn't cancel them without losing all the money. DH didn't really want to do that so we're working around the woman I don't like.


I don't believe in airing dirty laundry. From the day the other woman offended me I kept my mouth shut. Opening it now, isn't going to fix anything.


It's my problem & I'm dealing with it. The amount of stress the bride is under is extreme. I'm not going to add to it. Really it's my problem. As I have let it settle, I'm calmer. Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people
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Old 13th March 2015, 9:03 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Now I simply fear that the woman will physically try to harm me. She's not above punching people
Just make sure you are never alone and that those around you are bigger and stronger.

She won't punch you with a retaliative audience looking on...

Good luck!
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