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Communication Breakdown


mercuryshadow

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mercuryshadow

One of the things that drew me to my FI was that early on, he told me that he understood the importance of honest and direct communication with a partner. Furthermore, that it was important to resolve issues as soon as possible, before they go too deep and cause resentment. He said he'd learned this through experience. I was over the moon because my experience had consistently been with previous failed relationships that issues would be swept under the rug only to resurface again and again.

 

 

 

 

Well, I've noticed that this communication agreement has not been employed lately. We have a lot of irons in the fire as of late, and so we are busy, but it seems like when I try to have a calm, direct and genuine conversation with my FI about some issue or another, he'll kind of shut down. He goes into self-pity mode and throws something of a mini tantrum. And so yes, unresolved issues resurface later down the line, as they usually do.

 

 

It wasn't always this way, but it seems as if we've fallen out of good practice, somehow. He's by no means a terrible guy, but it's getting to the point where I'm afraid to bring things up to him. I also want him to bring things to me!! Because in addition, I have also noticed that it's only when he gets angry about something that he'll bring up some way he's been disappointed, his expectations were not met, etc.

 

 

I need some help getting us back on track. Anyone have any ideas/thoughts on this?

Edited by mercuryshadow
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Not blaming, just asking, but when you bring things up do you have an accusatory tone? even if you're trying to be calm and direct, could he be taking it a bit differently? My Ex and I had horrible communication because he would say he's direct, but really he was just confrontational. He had to always be right and will beat it to the ground until I just gave up.

 

Now, My fiancé and I, for the most part, have great communication. We rarely fight, because we try and talk things out before it gets to that point. But there are times that communication isn't always that great.

 

He is the type of guy who doesn't like to go to bed upset and he actually likes to hash things out when they happen (refreshing for a man!). But I'm a bit different… when I'm upset or angry, I need time to be by myself with my own thoughts. I know that this isn't always the best way to handle things, but sometimes I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. I'm very analytical so sometimes my feelings don't even make sense to me (I'm always trying to find the logic in things). To me, I'm taking time to collect my thoughts. To him, it feels like I'm making him guess. What has helped us when I tend to react this way and shut down, is that he approaches the issue with a lot of love and care and there really isn't a right or wrong. We have the right to feel however we feel when one of us does something. When I tell him how I feel about something, he'll always apologize. Not because he's 'wrong' and I'm 'right' or vice versa. But because he acknowledges how whatever happened made me feel and he never wants me to feel upset/sad/angry etc. It has helped me be more clear with my feelings. Even if I don't exactly know how to articulate it, I feel more at ease just talking it through with him and that usually just resolves it then and there.

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Not blaming, just asking, but when you bring things up do you have an accusatory tone? even if you're trying to be calm and direct, could he be taking it a bit differently? My Ex and I had horrible communication because he would say he's direct, but really he was just confrontational. He had to always be right and will beat it to the ground until I just gave up.

 

Now, My fiancé and I, for the most part, have great communication. We rarely fight, because we try and talk things out before it gets to that point. But there are times that communication isn't always that great.

 

He is the type of guy who doesn't like to go to bed upset and he actually likes to hash things out when they happen (refreshing for a man!). But I'm a bit different… when I'm upset or angry, I need time to be by myself with my own thoughts. I know that this isn't always the best way to handle things, but sometimes I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. I'm very analytical so sometimes my feelings don't even make sense to me (I'm always trying to find the logic in things). To me, I'm taking time to collect my thoughts. To him, it feels like I'm making him guess. What has helped us when I tend to react this way and shut down, is that he approaches the issue with a lot of love and care and there really isn't a right or wrong. We have the right to feel however we feel when one of us does something. When I tell him how I feel about something, he'll always apologize. Not because he's 'wrong' and I'm 'right' or vice versa. But because he acknowledges how whatever happened made me feel and he never wants me to feel upset/sad/angry etc. It has helped me be more clear with my feelings. Even if I don't exactly know how to articulate it, I feel more at ease just talking it through with him and that usually just resolves it then and there.

 

Yeah, my husband is also that way. Very argumentative every time I try and communicate something with him. He never seems to be wrong about anything apparently.

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mercuryshadow
Not blaming, just asking, but when you bring things up do you have an accusatory tone? even if you're trying to be calm and direct, could he be taking it a bit differently? My Ex and I had horrible communication because he would say he's direct, but really he was just confrontational. He had to always be right and will beat it to the ground until I just gave up.

 

Now, My fiancé and I, for the most part, have great communication. We rarely fight, because we try and talk things out before it gets to that point. But there are times that communication isn't always that great.

 

He is the type of guy who doesn't like to go to bed upset and he actually likes to hash things out when they happen (refreshing for a man!). But I'm a bit different… when I'm upset or angry, I need time to be by myself with my own thoughts. I know that this isn't always the best way to handle things, but sometimes I just don't know how to put my feelings into words. I'm very analytical so sometimes my feelings don't even make sense to me (I'm always trying to find the logic in things). To me, I'm taking time to collect my thoughts. To him, it feels like I'm making him guess. What has helped us when I tend to react this way and shut down, is that he approaches the issue with a lot of love and care and there really isn't a right or wrong. We have the right to feel however we feel when one of us does something. When I tell him how I feel about something, he'll always apologize. Not because he's 'wrong' and I'm 'right' or vice versa. But because he acknowledges how whatever happened made me feel and he never wants me to feel upset/sad/angry etc. It has helped me be more clear with my feelings. Even if I don't exactly know how to articulate it, I feel more at ease just talking it through with him and that usually just resolves it then and there.

 

 

Thanks, Cherry. I will have to be very mindful of how I approach my FI with issues that arise. I don't THINK I'm being confrontational, but perhaps I should double check. I do know that I have a hard time being affectionate when something is bothering me, and am working on that. I am also extremely sensitive (which is sometimes a good thing, sometimes a bad thing). I do like to resolve issues as soon as possible, whereas FI needs some alone time to process things. It just seems that as of late, the slightest thing will send FI into self-pity mode. We can't talk when he's like that, because what ends up happening is I end up consoling him, and nothing gets worked out.

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