Nony101 Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I asked my girlfriend to marry me a few months ago. What I'm finding is that we're a lot less passionate in our relationship (I feel things are becoming mundane and predictable). I feel some what of a disconnect with her. I'm not sure what happened. We spend a lot of time together, and it's not uncommon for us to spend a few nights a week sleeping over. I think largely the reason I feel disconnected is because our physical relationship has taken an unexpected turn. When we first started dating we would make out quite a bit and it slowly escalated to becoming more and more physical as time progressed (largely focused around her). We decided to save sex for marriage. Eventually that started slowing down because she felt bad that it was mostly focused on her. Then we got engaged and decided to go a little further and started doing things that worked for both of us. However, our last time after I had finished her, she felt guilty about what we were doing, and we quit (totally "forgetting" me), got out of bed and went on with our day. That was about two months ago. Since then, our physical relationship has declined significantly. The farthest we go is making out on the couch (maybe once every 2 weeks and ONLY kissing lips). Otherwise it's a few pecks during the day. I feel like there has to be other ways to be passionate in our relationship and fill that massive void that has developed at least for me. I'm pretty sure she feels fine. She was the one that made the decision, and I haven't really done anything differently towards her (I still snuggle her, take care of her, etc.). So, she's flying high, but I'm stuck and somewhat frustrated. I need more. I know that she loves me, but it's hard to feel it sometimes whereas when we were more passionate and physical with each other and we both felt that connection, and I just felt and knew it because it was special. What can I do to replace that former physical part of my relationship to get the passion I need? Am I just being selfish? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) Sounds to me that she/you made it clear that sex was for after marriage, things were progressing to fast and it is very hard to stop and draw the line. It does sound a bit selfish that she got hers, and left you high and dry - but then again she wants to have it after marriage. I do think you need to have a deep discussion about sex after marriage - will her quilt over sex go away, will there be certain things she will not like to do to you or with you? Are types of sex off limits to her after marriage? Is sex about the pleasure one gets.... or gives? Should one have sex when they are not up for it - but the other partner is? How often (say a week) would be a good amount of sex to have? What would be too low an amount of sex that would be an issue (say once a month?) You need to have this talk before the wedding. Maybe a pre-marriage counselor could help. I know this talk would be very hard to have, kind of difficult, but believe me I wish more engaged couples would have it. I think this conversation is more important than wether she is doing something to get you off right now. Edited December 3, 2013 by dichotomy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Talk to her. You are committed so hopefully she will be a bit more relaxed in her stance & at least give you a hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nony101 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Thank you for the responses. I know a large amount of that was about physical stuff and sex, that's not originally what I had planned, but I think I got lost on a tangent. This probably doesn't make me look too good, but she was the one who progressed our physical relationship each "step". All I knew when we started making things official is that I wanted to save sex for marriage and she agreed. It's hard to say now that given the waiting, we shouldn't have been doing that stuff anyway when we already have. She's been in control of the physical aspect all along because I felt she would feel safer that way, and I never want to force her to do anything she doesn't/didn't want to do. We are starting pre-marital counseling soon, so I'm hoping that will help me out a bit. I guess what I'm really trying to figure out though is how to be passionate and feel connected to her now that there is little to no physical aspect to our relationship. Surely being physical and having a sex life is not the only way to passion? Link to post Share on other sites
jimloveslips Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Surely being physical and having a sex life is not the only way to passion? I can't advise you on the no sex before marriage - I just don't understand that stance, but look up passion: "a strong feeling of enthusiasm or excitement for something or about doing something" Doesn't have to be sex, could be anything you both are "passionate" about - doing it together is the key... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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