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Lil Brother Getting Married. Feeling the Heat from the 'Rents

nescafe1982

By nescafe1982,
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nescafe1982

nescafe1982

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So, I'm 30, female, in a LTR (2.5 years) with a wonderful man and I want us to get married. Looks like we're headed that way but no proposal yet. Next week BF and I are going to Atlanta (other side of country for both of us: I'm in Mass and he's in Cali) to attend my younger brother's wedding next week. I called my mother today to firm up plans for our arrival, etc, and she asked with some noticeable amount of accusation, "so, when are you and BF going to get married?"

 

Now, I have a strained relationship with both my parents and most of the extended family that will be attending the wedding. Heck, I was surprised to get an invitation because I haven't seen my brother in a number of years either. I'm not sure I actually want to go, either, but I can't just skip out on my brother's wedding... that'd be just cold. (I'm resisting the urge to get into why my family is so divided. Just trust me that there's some awful stuff there and it's healthy for me to keep my distance, generally).

 

So I'm going, and my BF (who has not met a single member of this side of my family) is coming along. I've taken all the necessary precautions to avoid dramatic blowouts: motel room, rental car, tightly scheduled flights, etc.

 

But the one thing I guess I hadn't prepared for was this question: "so, when are you and BF going to get married, hm?" I suspect that if my mom is already asking this, I will probably also hear it from dad, aunts, uncles, and grandparents over the course of the five days I'm there. Especially since it's my little brother (not my big brother) who is getting married, and because my family was really "disappointed in me" when my last fiance cheated.

 

It's not like I don't *want* to get married, furthermore; I really, really, really want to get married and am sort of just waiting for BF to propose. But I need to find a better way to deflect toxic family members than throwing my BF under the bus... my answer cannot be "well I'm just waiting for him to ask..." because I think we can all guess where that path leads.

 

I know this is a minor problem when compared to some of the stuff folks talk about on LS. But I have a genuinely hard time dealing with my toxic family and managing their expectations/perceptions without feeding into their drama.

 

So, can anyone give me some sample responses to "so, why aren't you married yet?" You know, polite wedding stuff... not like "mind your own f'ing business." :)

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CherryT

CherryT

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Sorry that your family was disappointed when your ex cheated. That's not right.

 

If I were you, I'd just play into their game. I'd tell BF "look. My family is nuts and they'll be pressuring us. This is my little brother getting married and they're going to wonder why we haven't. If they ask, just tell them - It's on the horizon. We'll let you know when it happens. But for now, let's enjoy brothers wedding today". It give them what they want to hear, that it's happening. It gives them the impression that it could be soon, but not that soon. And you're able to deflect it by saying, but let's just enjoy this one. It's his day so let's not talk about ours.

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bubbaganoosh

bubbaganoosh

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Your answer to that question goes as follows. "When it happens, you'll be the first to know" and then change the subject. Over and done with it.

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nescafe1982

nescafe1982

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Say '5min after you're in the grave'.

 

Ok, maybe less toxic ... *actually look like you are thinking* and say 'in the future'.

 

LOL I might try that one if decorum permits... or if someone really old asks me.

 

Also considering "I'm not. Why do you ask?"

 

Seriously, though. Thanks for the responses. I've never felt as, well, sensitive about this topic until recently. I turned 30 this year and suddenly it seems like even perfect strangers feel just fine about asking me this way-too-personal question. Just today I was out at lunch with my grandmother and her neighbor friend, when in the midst of otherwise polite conversation she (the friend, who I'd never met before) asked "So are you ever going to get married or what?"

 

In my twenties I didn't get this so much. Now it's suddenly everywhere!

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Radu

Radu

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LOL I might try that one if decorum permits... or if someone really old asks me.

 

Also considering "I'm not. Why do you ask?"

 

Seriously, though. Thanks for the responses. I've never felt as, well, sensitive about this topic until recently. I turned 30 this year and suddenly it seems like even perfect strangers feel just fine about asking me this way-too-personal question. Just today I was out at lunch with my grandmother and her neighbor friend, when in the midst of otherwise polite conversation she (the friend, who I'd never met before) asked "So are you ever going to get married or what?"

 

In my twenties I didn't get this so much. Now it's suddenly everywhere!

 

Maybe i'm a bit uptight, but that sort of question coming from a complete stranger like that neighbor would make me look very shocked and i'd probably say something about minding her own business and acting better in public.

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Mr. Lucky

Mr. Lucky

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Given the history, why be there 5 days? We're it me, I'd fly in the night before the ceremony and be gone that night or early next morning. Also less opportunity for people to ask questions...

 

Mr. Lucky

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nescafe1982

nescafe1982

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Given the history, why be there 5 days? We're it me, I'd fly in the night before the ceremony and be gone that night or early next morning. Also less opportunity for people to ask questions...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Good point, and touche. I went for five days and left Saturday night (after the reception). The BF and I stayed in a separate hotel and rented a car, so we could escape whenever necessary (this was actually the first time I returned there since 2009, when another visit with the now-ex-BF went, well, not well at all.)

 

In the end, my anxiety about this was worse than how it all went down. My family was in reality so toxic and engulfed in their own drama that they didn't stop to ask either myself or BF anything about us (seriously, I'm not sure they know what he does for a living, etc). And many of the family suddenly cancelled their plans to attend the ceremony, including the most problematic of the bunch.

 

Still, though, having a few answers to the "why aren't you married yet" question on-the-ready seriously helped me to get on the other side of my anxiety. My brother and the family are a problematic bunch, but the wedding was fun and BF and I escaped before things got too weird. Thanks all for comments.

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HokeyReligions

HokeyReligions

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Glad it went well. I used to get those questions. It never botheted me from older prople or even strangers. Its a natural question when asked tactfully.

 

My response to those married folks who asked me in a way that got my dander up was to smile sweetly and say "thank you. I learned from others mistakes." Then I'd wink and walk away. Some of them never did figure out the comment.

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  • 5 weeks later...
gaius

gaius

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In the end, my anxiety about this was worse than how it all went down. My family was in reality so toxic and engulfed in their own drama that they didn't stop to ask either myself or BF anything about us (seriously, I'm not sure they know what he does for a living, etc). And many of the family suddenly cancelled their plans to attend the ceremony, including the most problematic of the bunch.

:laugh: Funny how that works out sometimes huh? I had something like that happen with me recently too, all the dysfunctional variables I didn't see saved me in the end. Glad it worked out OK for you nes. Always nice to find out another LSer lives in Mass too.

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