He has Doubts about me being "The One"

[haighschocs]

we have been dating for 3.5 years - 1.5 of which has been long-distance (interstate actually) because of our respective jobs. We have been talking about closing the distance sometime next year 2014, when I complete my grad program. The plan was to be engaged, and for me to move across to where he is.

 

However, last week, out of the blue, he called me and had a bit of a breakdown- said "not sure if we can make this work"

 

He had attended a wedding, and apparently had been ring shoppig, and had had doubts for a few weeks.

 

It's been 5 days, he wanted to discuss it, so we gave it a go, but because he's quite confused, I'm getting hurt quite a bit. We haven't seen each other for 3 months, I'm meant to be getting on a plane tomorrow to see him, but don't think that it's a good idea anymore.

 

We didn't stop contact, tried to talk it through objectively, be mature. But we ended up circling the same issues as he's "not sure that what he feels is based on the past & our emotional attachment or whether we have a future together"

 

He "thinks we'll be together for next 5...10....20 years, but isn't sure it'll be forever, if we take the next step"

 

It's been 5 days - yesterday I suggested we go no contact for a while (no time limit) and reconvene when the dust settles/ we both have a bit more breathing room.

 

Thus I don't think I should visit him (we planned this months ago) this week (was meant to be there for a week) We're both in our mid-20s

 

What should I do?

[Philosoraptor]

He's beating around the bush here trying to spare your feelings and lower his own guilt. There is a real reason he's doubting the relationship. Whether that be closing the distance is making it feel too "real", he's interested in pursuing someone else, etc.

[eleve82]

Hi haighschoc, you are not alone.

 

I too received this line a few years back from my ex. We had been dating a few years and early on he even said one day he would marry me. A year later he started saying he wasn't sure and finally around the 5 year mark started telling me the same line "I'm not sure if you're the one for me". All the reasons he gave me were merely to justify his feelings - he himself couldn't place a finger on it. My self esteem suffered a huge blow from this - I had tolerated a lot of issues on his side, and honestly gave it my utmost, but apparently none of this was "good enough".

 

What became glaringly evident to me was the lack of self awareness, immaturity and general indecisiveness that plagued him.

 

If there's anything that came out positive from this, it sharing with you what I hope can be useful. When a guy says "you're not the one" or isn't sure, it can feel like a rejection of us, our character, or what we stand for, as if we weren't "good enough".

 

What you should remember is this: if he fails to give you a mature and sensible reason for what is wrong with the relationship - and you have treated him with honesty, love and an open heart - when in reality the problems lie with fear of commitment, a desire to test the waters,(or even just boredom or naivety about how long term relationships are like - lots of HARD WORK to keep alive, not just luck or "destiny"), that you are also dating him to determine if HE is "the (right) one" for YOU. If he does not appreciate you, or consider your qualities or values to be a fit with his long term expectations, this already shows a misalignment here. This is not just about what he wants, it is also about what YOU want, and he is demonstrating some very clear traits you need to consider whether they fit your ideals.

 

No one can guarantee that a marriage will last "forever" but people enter marriages not fearing that it won't work out, but rather committing to working it out. His fears may show his aversion to making major decisions, committing to them or simply that he isn't ready to settle down. Regardless, do you want to be with someone who doesn't embrace life and love and all the risks associated with making any major decision in life? Do you want to be with a fighter who will commit to making things work - or a person who is paralysed by fear of failure? I don't think he doubts his love for you.

 

But he may not have the courage or conviction to fight for it.

 

I knew after years of struggling with his indecision, that my ex was not the one for me. This is not the kind of character that I envision of my future husband. I want to be with someone who is mature, decisive, values people and family and is wise enough to realise that the most important values in a partner are long term ones such as common interests, intellectual comparability, loyalty, maturity, selflessness etc, not superficial behaviour that he said were reasons for me not being "the one" such as pleasing his friends/family or having to put in effort to have "fun". More importantly, I want to be with someone who believes in making things happen, not someone who is afraid of taking risks. All relationships risk failure - no marriage on this planet is guaranteed to give you happiness 100% of the time. It is the attitude and everlasting commitment to go though periods of self doubt, boredom, temptation, illness etc, to MAKE the marriage work. In my mind, getting married should not be a prison sentence, it should open doors to an exciting world of opportunities... With your partner. My ex saw it as a prison sentence.

 

Whether or not you choose to go to meet him in person, I suspect, makes little difference in the long run. Guys who are afraid of being locked down or are plagued by insecurities do not want to deal with pressure:, their instinct is to take flight to preserve their safety zone. Therefore, whatever you choose to do, your best option is to treat him as you would with a friend that you care dearly for - show him your love and concern, try to talk maturely and hash out the underlying issues. Give him more space than he asks for and don't hesitate to make it known that while you love him, you can and will move on if he no longer wants to work on the relationship.

 

Remember, you and your self worth are not defined by your partner - or his behaviour.

 

Regardless of what the outcome is, seek comfort in the fact that "truth is the daughter of time" - Through the experiences you encounter over time, the truth will make it known to you. If indeed his doubts are unfounded, I genuinely believe one day he will come to realise this. If not, the two of you will realise you are better off apart.

 

Good luck

[heartshaped]

This happened to me. Almost exactly same situation. We were long distance, hadn't seen each other in months, I was suppose to be moving there after grad, we were getting married then, etc. One day I just had this feeling in my gut (that I think I'd been ignoring for a while) that he just wasn't sure I was "the one". Long story short I drug it out of him and we prolonged things for a while but eventually I left. Looking back, it was the best thing I could have done. We weren't "meant" to be together.

 

I ask you, OP, what are all your feelings behind this? Do you feel like he's "the one"?

 

Honestly though if he told you that he means it. If the two of you move forward in the future it will eventually end. You just aren't it for him as heart breaking as that is.