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Why does commitment and/marriage seem like a funeral to me?


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ReflectionI

I don't know what's wrong with me. It has nothing to do with the man at all. He can be a great person but it's like I would still get nervous if things start going further than expected.

 

I'm 24 years old and some of my female friends are already getting engaged. Some even have kids but when someone asks me when it will be my turn, I always say ''Maybe later, I'm not ready yet''.

 

But to be honest, that conversation freaks me out. I don't want to even hear it. The idea of being stuck with the same guy permanently gets me wondering ''What I get bored suddenly, one of us changes, what if I become ugly after having a child, what if neither of us were meant for each other'' and the list goes on.

 

I had to dump an ex bf once because he wanted it to go further than just dating (he was crushed and wanted to know why I didn't feel the same but I had no answer). I just couldn't. I don't know why. This is a topic I do my best to avoid. Unlike many woman who can't wait till the day they get married and have children, I dread that topic. To me this feels like going to a funeral.

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Dragonfruit

I don't think there's a thing wrong with that. In a lot of ways you seem to have a much more realistic picture of it all than the starry-eyed types who act like they are going to be whisked off to Disneyland permanently.

 

I think this is very common among young males, not as much with the females. I have notice males often seem to have a change of heart somewhere around age thirty. I am no expert but I think it's just fine.

 

Also, I don't think anyone would have an answer for why they didn't feel as interested in a boyfriend as the boyfriend was in them. You just didn't feel the same way he did.

 

Anyway, if that's what you were asking, what people think of it, I'd keep doing things the way that makes you happy at the time but leave the possibility open that you may feel differently later on. Good luck.

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I felt this way before I met a man that I loved and wanted to be with forever.

 

My parents have not had a happy marriage for nearly twenty years. My mom only stayed with my cheating dad for her kids.

 

I watched my mom slave for my dad and endure nonsense from him. I didn't want life.

 

My husband doesn't treat me like a slave.

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Several of my friends married guys I would consider to be good guys. If they had been single when I met them, I might have dated them. After being married for several years, these good guys all of a sudden became more selfish, disrespectful and emotionally detached. Im not exaggerating when I say not a single one hasnt done this in some form or fashion. Once the honeymoon/courting stage is over, many get very complacent. I have had 2 female friends with good Christian husbands make obvious passes at me behind their wives backs. They arent bad guys either. Its kind of scary- if the good guys act this way, it gives me little hope for the male population.

 

Ideally, I would love to get married but I think its a struggle for a guy to be satisfied with one woman sexually for the rest of his life. Scientific studies show women can be satisfied with one partner as long as things are switched/spiced up now and then. With men, doing those things help but they still crave others more on a daily basis (on average) when compared to women. Over half of men that have affairs say their wives emotionally and sexually satisfy them. Its a huge myth men cheat mostly because they arent getting enough sex.

 

I wonder if being in an open relationship would help this, as long as both were into the idea. There have been studies where it was shown that gay male couples were less sexually exclusive on average than other types of couples. It all depends on your morals i suppose.

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I'm almost 21, so a little younger than you, but I feel the same way. I've been with my boyfriend for a while, but I can't see myself getting engaged or married anytime soon. I think you're perfectly normal though. I personally think getting married in my late 20s or so sounds like a good age.

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Why Most Divorces Are Initiated By Women

 

Says here verbal abuse/emotional neglect is the no. 1 reason...yet these men didnt realize it was coming because they think there is nothing wrong with it!!!!!!

If I was married and constantly degrading my husband and ignoring him, I would expect him to not be happy with me. Men dont seem to think this way

 

Most of what you wrote is true, but you forgot a few things :

- historically, women have claimed more abuse than it happened; 50-60yrs ago claiming physical abuse and the man admitting to it was one of the few ways that a D might happen.

That did not just go away, it morphed.

And it morphed today in men being accused in a D of abuse agains the wife and the children.

It's even worse considering the inherent general nature of men and women; men generally are ok with independence, with trying out new things, exploring. Women generally prefer safety.

So an action can be seen as highly dangerous by a woman, or ok by a man.

Guess what gender most judges are ...

- current brainwashing Hollywood dribble presents boys as lumbering oaths and girls as smart allecky brilliant future people.

Physical abuse itself is shown in the media [girl on boy] as something ok.

There are posters who came here and who abused their guys and did not realise they were doing it untill 7-8 pages later when they checked in with a therapist after most users posted about it.

Just look at Despicable Me, the last animated movie i saw.

Gru's mother is presented as emotionally abusive with her son, evolving from being just horribly neglectfull during his childhood, while saying that girls are better later on.

- i don't think that women have it worse than men in the west.

You cited that men cheat and came close to claiming that they have a hard time comitting to one woman because of their nature.

Well, women have a hard time comitting to one man too [some women mind you].

Women are not monogamous, they are serial monogamous ... it's a major difference.

Stay around here for a while and you will see how all relationships that end with her walking away go about the same way; she decides to move on, she resents him for not reading her mind, she decides to leave the relationship but does not tell him because hey ... he's an idiot anyway for not figuring it out.

I think women have more raw power in the West initially, more options up to about 30yrs old, or untill she has a couple of kids. Women in their early 20's have lots of options, options that the men do not have.

After 30, things change a little bit, and the options dissapear.

If you become a SAHM, it gets harder to get back at work and you depend on the husband's wage; if you are a career woman, you cannot keep the career and have a family.

In terms of power, women are a candle that burns brighter, more powerfull ... and faster.

 

 

PS: Some of what you posted could be taken further, and you could become one of the bitter girls brigade.

I'm not pointing a finger, i'm warning you to not go there, it's not a good place to be in ... i was one of the bitter guys brigade.

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To me this feels like going to a funeral.

Marriage is the "death" of some things in your life. You get much in return but you also give some things up, not the least of which is the ability to consistently put your own needs first. If that concept is foreign to you, then I could see why the conversation might make you uncomfortable...

 

Mr. Lucky

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BetheButterfly
I don't know what's wrong with me. It has nothing to do with the man at all. He can be a great person but it's like I would still get nervous if things start going further than expected.

 

I'm 24 years old and some of my female friends are already getting engaged. Some even have kids but when someone asks me when it will be my turn, I always say ''Maybe later, I'm not ready yet''.

 

But to be honest, that conversation freaks me out. I don't want to even hear it. The idea of being stuck with the same guy permanently gets me wondering ''What I get bored suddenly, one of us changes, what if I become ugly after having a child, what if neither of us were meant for each other'' and the list goes on.

 

I had to dump an ex bf once because he wanted it to go further than just dating (he was crushed and wanted to know why I didn't feel the same but I had no answer). I just couldn't. I don't know why. This is a topic I do my best to avoid. Unlike many woman who can't wait till the day they get married and have children, I dread that topic. To me this feels like going to a funeral.

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Not all people want to get married. Some don't, and that's fine.

 

About what I boldened in your post, my Mom's best friend had a saying that made me realize how being "bored" is a symptom of an uninteresting mind. Once while at her house playing with my best friend, her daughter, I complained about being bored. Her answer to me was that only boring people get bored. That stung me until she explained that I have a mind; use it but obey the rules! I learned that day that yeah, being bored is not a what I want to be; I don't want to be boring.

 

That might sound harsh, but the reality is that humans have a wonderful gift; we have amazing brains. We don't need to ever be bored if we have the capacity to use our brains.

 

About being with one man for the rest of one's life, those who truly love understand that love is action, and that true love is not boring. Rather, it's stimulating, powerful, and needs to be constantly fed. Using one's mind and enjoying the mind of one's loved one includes being creative and working to keep Love alive and strong.

 

Those who become "bored" with their loved one do not show true love, but rather have become "boring" and have not dedicated the time, work, and energy to keeping true love alive and well and thriving.

 

So anyways, it's ok if you don't want to get married, but it's important to realize that boredom is a state of mind that is easily remedied, and that Love includes the couple using their brains to keep that love strong and interesting!

 

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Ninjainpajamas

Once you find a guy that you fall "in love" with....that'll be the true test of your convictions.

 

The majority of women cry about or make a bunch of self-loathing excuses/pity as to why they'll never find true love or what not....then they "fall in love" and now it's like a switch and everything is so promising and hopeful now....now they're eager to get married...now they're thinking about children that they didn't want before.

 

Women are very emotional, so this is not the same as if a man were to say it IMO. It's also heavily based off of trust and security, the more a woman feels that, the more capable she is of branching onto those extended thoughts.

 

You're out of the element right now, so it's easy for women to be objective for the time being....however once you meet "that guy" (whether he's the real guy or not, just whether you believe) then that's when you'll jump on the bandwagon and start sulking in all those maternal and mushy thoughts...if you're capable of it...hell I've seen women who loathe commitment and having children yet still do both anyway.

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OP, I can empathize. Here's what marriage and divorce taught me:

 

Everything, except death, is transitory. Nothing is 'forever'.

 

You're in charge of your expectations and how you process and prosecute your life and relationships.

 

Personally, I enjoyed being married, the process, and would likely enjoy it again, should such an event occur again in my lifetime. My parents were married for life. I have no negative perspectives on marriage. I realize that a lot of marriages end and accept that.

 

You're in charge of what you accept. If commitment and marriage seem like a funeral to you and you're comfortable with that assessment, accept it and move on. If you find yourself asking 'why' you feel that way, explore that for yourself. None of us here can get inside your head and figure it out. If this perspective interferes with the formation of healthy interpersonal relationships, and that dynamic distresses you, then it may be appropriate to seek professional help, as you would be demonstrating a marked internal conflict injurious to your personal happiness and growth and life.

 

Good luck.

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Eternal Sunshine
I don't know what's wrong with me. It has nothing to do with the man at all. He can be a great person but it's like I would still get nervous if things start going further than expected.

 

I'm 24 years old and some of my female friends are already getting engaged. Some even have kids but when someone asks me when it will be my turn, I always say ''Maybe later, I'm not ready yet''.

 

But to be honest, that conversation freaks me out. I don't want to even hear it. The idea of being stuck with the same guy permanently gets me wondering ''What I get bored suddenly, one of us changes, what if I become ugly after having a child, what if neither of us were meant for each other'' and the list goes on.

 

I had to dump an ex bf once because he wanted it to go further than just dating (he was crushed and wanted to know why I didn't feel the same but I had no answer). I just couldn't. I don't know why. This is a topic I do my best to avoid. Unlike many woman who can't wait till the day they get married and have children, I dread that topic. To me this feels like going to a funeral.

 

I get you. Every time I attend a wedding I feel pity for the couple. I go home secretly relieved that I am single.

 

When I pushed myself to commit in the past, I literally had panic attacks. I would have to spend couple of weeks repeating to myself "You can get out of this relationship at any time. You are not married yet. It's just a relationship". That's the only thought that made it bearable. I don't feel happy or elated. And yeah people tell me it will change but for me it never did. To be honest, I like it that way :)

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ReflectionI
I get you. Every time I attend a wedding I feel pity for the couple. I go home secretly relieved that I am single.

 

When I pushed myself to commit in the past, I literally had panic attacks. I would have to spend couple of weeks repeating to myself "You can get out of this relationship at any time. You are not married yet. It's just a relationship". That's the only thought that made it bearable. I don't feel happy or elated. And yeah people tell me it will change but for me it never did. To be honest, I like it that way :)

True. If nothing changes within the next 5-10 years and I still feel that way, guess I'll have to get used to it.

 

No, kids don't get me happy either. I get the feeling that meeting Mr Right might at times be nothing but a fairly tale. What if you don't find the so called ''Right'' person?

 

I've always felt this way but can't tell why. I can't think of family troubles nor any big issues, just how I'm feeling.

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Once you find a guy that you fall "in love" with....that'll be the true test of your convictions.

 

The majority of women cry about or make a bunch of self-loathing excuses/pity as to why they'll never find true love or what not....then they "fall in love" and now it's like a switch and everything is so promising and hopeful now....now they're eager to get married...now they're thinking about children that they didn't want before.

 

Women are very emotional, so this is not the same as if a man were to say it IMO. It's also heavily based off of trust and security, the more a woman feels that, the more capable she is of branching onto those extended thoughts.

 

You're out of the element right now, so it's easy for women to be objective for the time being....however once you meet "that guy" (whether he's the real guy or not, just whether you believe) then that's when you'll jump on the bandwagon and start sulking in all those maternal and mushy thoughts...if you're capable of it...hell I've seen women who loathe commitment and having children yet still do both anyway.

 

First off I will prob be the exception to your rule. I am a really rational female and I dont think I will ever be able to trust a male 100%. I know a few other females like myself who are always emotionally guarded and untrusting too. Almost all of my close friends who married guys who I thought seemed good have made passes at me or become ****ty husbands. If the nice guys do this I dont have alot of hope for any of the male population. I also do research and stats show marriage benefits men and actually negatively affects women's mental health more than men, but divorce is better for women's emotional health (not financial health though, though exceptions exist). Second, I know many men who have done what I bolded...usually those women were "insanely hot" by their words though.

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OP it's all good. Wait until you are ready, wait until your late 20s or 30s. The people who are divorced at 28/29/early 30s? Those are the people who married in their early 20s. 24 is too young to get married.

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I actually am the opposite. Im 25 and wanted to be married by this age when I was in my early 20's. Ive changed my mind after seeing so many married couples (my age and older) My conclusion is most people today are too selfish to get married so theres a chance I might never find the right guy for me and not get married. Ive decided Im Okay with this. I dont need a man to define me.

 

Women get the reputation for changing their personality during marriage and for letting themselves go, men do it just as much but its way worse when a woman does this (in some ways Id argue men change more...IMO, men tend to take a relationship for granted/get too comfortable more so than women)

 

Several of my friends married guys I would consider to be good guys. If they had been single when I met them, I might have dated them. After being married for several years, these good guys all of a sudden became more selfish, disrespectful and emotionally detached. Im not exaggerating when I say not a single one hasnt done this in some form or fashion. Once the honeymoon/courting stage is over, many get very complacent. I have had 2 female friends with good Christian husbands make obvious passes at me behind their wives backs. They arent bad guys either. Its kind of scary- if the good guys act this way, it gives me little hope for the male population.

 

Ideally, I would love to get married but I think its a struggle for a guy to be satisfied with one woman sexually for the rest of his life. Scientific studies show women can be satisfied with one partner as long as things are switched/spiced up now and then. With men, doing those things help but they still crave others more on a daily basis (on average) when compared to women. Over half of men that have affairs say their wives emotionally and sexually satisfy them. Its a huge myth men cheat mostly because they arent getting enough sex.

 

Women also initiate 70% of divorces. Emotional neglect is the most commonly cited reason on divorce papers. Someone said that on this site and I researched it and asked a divorce lawyer friend of mine, it is true. He said when describing physical abuse, most men think its wrong but when describing emotional neglect, many men dont see a problem with it. In fact, sociological studies have shown for decades married women tend to be unhappier than single women, while the reverse is shown for men. My sociology professor called it the Great Irony considering society shoves down our throat quote the opposite ("Oh no, must go get physical with a stripper because Im stuck with one woman for the rest of my life" while on the other side is "Oh now Im married to a man and my life is complete" Yeah stats show that isnt the case at all)...Google "double shift hypothesis" or "double burden" in marriages. They think this is the reason why this irony occurs. It is not a good age to be a woman. Now women are expected to work full time like a man, yet studies show in over 70% of marriages where BOTH partners work full time, women do the vast majority of childcare and housework. Men are doing more than they use to, but thats because their fathers helped with 5% of the childcare and housework according to studies and their sons think since they do more than their fathers (but nowhere close to half) that theyre okay. The second side of the equation has not caught up with women working.

 

Marriage benefits men, divorce benefits women

 

I wouldnt say Im terrified to get married but I dont really desire it anywhere near as much as most women do. I dont think Ill have to deal with it anytime soon, most men dont want to get married and only do so because society tells them to or because their girlfriend threatens to leave. I dont want to be tied down to a guy, expecting to take care of him while he takes me for granted, becomes emotionally neglectful or becomes bored with me over time. In general, our society pushes the idea that women are supposed to be caring and nurturing and its fine when men arent, "boys will be boys" and "hes just being a guy." Men get a free pass in our society to be selfish and disrespectful. I have seen so many men on this forum enforce double standards to suit their selfish needs. That is not appealing to me at all.

 

Why Most Divorces Are Initiated By Women

 

Says here verbal abuse/emotional neglect is the no. 1 reason...yet these men didnt realize it was coming because they think there is nothing wrong with it!!!!!!

If I was married and constantly degrading my husband and ignoring him, I would expect him to not be happy with me. Men dont seem to think this way

 

 

 

 

I think more women should command more respect.

 

Sure, many (MOST) men love attention! They love to have things done for them. Maybe it is hardwired, or perhaps it is simply the cultural and historical influences they have been exposed to!

 

In any case: I sure as heck make sure that my partner know's that he is very lucky to have me do various things for him. ANd when I am too busy with college work, he knows I will not risk failing in order to do things for him (such as clean and cook)

 

I would like to think that he would appreciate it a lot without me reminding him that I am not a door mat who will cater to his needs. Unfrotunately, it looks as though, statistically speaking: most men take women for granted!

 

I do not feel taken for granted at all, HOWEVER; I CAN see that sometimes, my partner does not realise that studying full time in college and also trying to exercise for half an hour each day is NOT feasible, if I am doing all the house work and his grocery shopping.

 

I do not understand how so many men who are supposedly really in love, would truly take a women for granted to much! I mean, I can understand them over estimating the amount of time a women can spend pleasing her man; totally taking it for granted? Maybe they are good guys, but selfish guys, at the same time?

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todreaminblue
I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Not all people want to get married. Some don't, and that's fine.

 

About what I boldened in your post, my Mom's best friend had a saying that made me realize how being "bored" is a symptom of an uninteresting mind. Once while at her house playing with my best friend, her daughter, I complained about being bored. Her answer to me was that only boring people get bored. That stung me until she explained that I have a mind; use it but obey the rules! I learned that day that yeah, being bored is not a what I want to be; I don't want to be boring.

 

That might sound harsh, but the reality is that humans have a wonderful gift; we have amazing brains. We don't need to ever be bored if we have the capacity to use our brains.

 

About being with one man for the rest of one's life, those who truly love understand that love is action, and that true love is not boring. Rather, it's stimulating, powerful, and needs to be constantly fed. Using one's mind and enjoying the mind of one's loved one includes being creative and working to keep Love alive and strong.

 

Those who become "bored" with their loved one do not show true love, but rather have become "boring" and have not dedicated the time, work, and energy to keeping true love alive and well and thriving.

 

So anyways, it's ok if you don't want to get married, but it's important to realize that boredom is a state of mind that is easily remedied, and that Love includes the couple using their brains to keep that love strong and interesting!

 

 

 

you rock ....on repeat....hugs....deb

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And my partner and I, when we first got together, considered swinging and threesomes as part of our relationship.

 

We both had never had adult relationships; he had never had an actual propper girlfriend before.

 

He had only been into one girl in his entire life, despite being good looking and popular (and socially adept)

 

We both hated the idea of committment or marriage; we both thought it was an incredibly boring and dread -filled notion.

 

We were as averse to marriage and relationships as you could possible get.

 

ON top of it all, we were bad matches at first, and did not think we would even end up in a relationship. I was anorexic and socially retarted, and he thought I was completely weird and did not see himself with me at all.

 

Yet we have both completely changed, because the time we spend together makes us to happy, that we now think marriage is a really, really nice idea.

 

The initial "feeling' we got kept us together against the odds. Then the love has made us want to keep together for as long as possible.

 

The thought of thing lasting a lifetime, although unlikely based on the stats, SOUNDS really, really nice, basically.

 

People can change.

 

We certainly DID NOT think we would warm to the idea of marriage, or even a long term relationship!

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  • 1 month later...
Curious111

There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, and the only hurdle to overcome in my opinion is to learn to be okay with the fact that society in general will NEVER truly accept the way you feel about marriage. So the point is not to try to understand or change the way you feel about marriage, but rather to learn to own your feelings regardless of what society thinks. At your age, the pressure to get married will only increase, reaching it's peak at the age of around 32 - 34. If you've reached that age and you still have not succumbed to societal pressures to get married, then life will probably become much easier from that age onwards, seeing as society will start to accept the fact that you choose not to get married. Although they are few and far between, there ARE normal, healthy, socially desirable women who feel exactly the same way you do, so don't start to second guess yourself or start thinking that there is something wrong with you. There's NOTHING wrong with you, you just don't think and feel the same way about marriage as most other people do, and that is OKAY! :)

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I married the wrong man at 26 because I thought I was suppose to be married...worst mistake of my life. Well not the worst...I have by beautiful son to show for it.

 

 

Now that I'm single again, I'm very picky. Learned that I tend to pick the wrong men and I need to learn from this.

 

It's a process...so OP take your time. If it doesn't feel right...it isn't.

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  • 1 month later...
hoping2heal
I don't know what's wrong with me. It has nothing to do with the man at all. He can be a great person but it's like I would still get nervous if things start going further than expected.

 

I'm 24 years old and some of my female friends are already getting engaged. Some even have kids but when someone asks me when it will be my turn, I always say ''Maybe later, I'm not ready yet''.

 

But to be honest, that conversation freaks me out. I don't want to even hear it. The idea of being stuck with the same guy permanently gets me wondering ''What I get bored suddenly, one of us changes, what if I become ugly after having a child, what if neither of us were meant for each other'' and the list goes on.

 

I had to dump an ex bf once because he wanted it to go further than just dating (he was crushed and wanted to know why I didn't feel the same but I had no answer). I just couldn't. I don't know why. This is a topic I do my best to avoid. Unlike many woman who can't wait till the day they get married and have children, I dread that topic. To me this feels like going to a funeral.

 

Who are your relationship "role models" ? What's Mom and Dad's marriage like?

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