maylin Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 I am getting married in two weeks. We have each invited our small group peer of friends. I am really having cold feet. I, in my 50, describe myself as traditional, independent hard working and enjoying simple life woman. I am highly educated, however, more emotional than rational. I came to USA for a master degree after finishing my college from my home country. I then got a job, got married and had a son. However my husband passed away in a very young age when my son was in preschool. I brought up my son by myself. It was not an easy job, especially I had no other family members around. Things even got tougher after I got laid off from my job and started a small business by my own in these few years. I even lost money in the past three years. Four years ago I met a college professor after my son went to college, He is about my age, but never gets married before. He is a very nice and kind gentleman. I knew he cared for me very much. Though I wish I could fall in love with him, I had no passion in him at all. Since we two are all lonely people, we became good friends. I tried to be his good friend in many ways, but just pure friendship. This year he started to help me financially. As I felt obliged to him and felt like to settle down after struggling so much in my career, I initiated to turn the friendship to a more romantic relationship. He said that I have changed him a lot and made him very happy. Then we started to plan to get married. We've always tried to respect each other and never fought. Though I determined to be a good wife in my mind, I still couldn't fall for him. Our big day is in two weeks. I feel like to escape to some where. This morning he told me that he would be a loyal and committed husband, when I jokily asked him what he thought he could make a good husband for me. That all I will get for a marriage -- a loyal and committed husband??? No, no, no, in my mind, I want more in a marriage........But it is all too late...Isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 It's never too late to do the right thing. If that is calling off the wedding, then it is. What I'm hearing here is a propensity for 'thinking' the relationship with him. Unless you are extremely loyal to the obligations you create for yourself, what will happen is someday you will meet someone who flips the 'feeling' switch and there will be an overwhelming impetus to walk away from this marriage. Even if it is, in the bigger picture, a minor infatuation, the dearth of 'feel' from your M will weigh heavily on your mind and decision-making process. 'Cold feet' is one thing but, IMO, this is something completely different. I think it's time for an honest conversation with your fiance. Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 . He is a very nice and kind gentleman. I knew he cared for me very much. Though I wish I could fall in love with him, I had no passion in him at all. Since we two are all lonely people, we became good friends. I tried to be his good friend in many ways, but just pure friendship. This year he started to help me financially. As I felt obliged to him and felt like to settle down after struggling so much in my career, I initiated to turn the friendship to a more romantic relationship. He said that I have changed him a lot and made him very happy. Then we started to plan to get married. We've always tried to respect each other and never fought. Though I determined to be a good wife in my mind, I still couldn't fall for him. This seems more than cold feet, your gut is screaming - You don't love him with intimate feelings and passion. There's no spark. Yet there's companionship, friendship and closeness..Like a brother, or a cousin. If you don't marry him, you'll be OK on your own since you've been on your own before. You're strong and independant. My concern is, if you marry him you'll going to feel stuck and even more obligated..To stay! He may love you but doesn't seem deeply in love. Talk to him, be honest and see how he feels. Maybe he is having cold feet too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author maylin Posted September 24, 2012 Author Share Posted September 24, 2012 This seems more than cold feet, your gut is screaming - You don't love him with intimate feelings and passion. There's no spark. Yet there's companionship, friendship and closeness..Like a brother, or a cousin. If you don't marry him, you'll be OK on your own since you've been on your own before. You're strong and independant. My concern is, if you marry him you'll going to feel stuck and even more obligated..To stay! He may love you but doesn't seem deeply in love. Talk to him, be honest and see how he feels. Maybe he is having cold feet too? It is he wants to get married. He always said that he needs a strong woman in his life and I have made him very happy. Isn't "companion, frienship and closeness" more important than "spark" in a marriage? Are there a real "spark" love out there for me in my age? He will be seriously got hurted if the wedding is cancelled, and so am I. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 24, 2012 Share Posted September 24, 2012 It is he wants to get married. He always said that he needs a strong woman in his life and I have made him very happy. Isn't "companion, frienship and closeness" more important than "spark" in a marriage? Are there a real "spark" love out there for me in my age? He will be seriously got hurted if the wedding is cancelled, and so am I. Don't marry someone because you're scared to tell him how you feel. Are you this worried about hurting him that you'll say I DO and put his feelings above your own? You can live with him, be happy as a common law couple. Get Wills done so if something happens to either of you, the person left behind is covered and taken care of.. But, don't get married if you think you're going to be unhappy down the road. Hope this makes sense. Re-read your opening thread. It certainly tells me you aren't in love with this man, he's a good friend, a good partner, but there is no sexual lust/passion for one another... THAT is part of the glue that holds a couple together..That passion and romance is what makes a marriage/partnership different than 'friendship/companionship'. If you are OK with it, then get married. Settle and accept things as they are..Just hope that one day you don't let yourself get close to another man (or him another woman) because of sexual attraction/in love feelings. Have strong boundries and rules because if you don't, this whole thing is a set up for an affair at some point in the future. Don't mean to sound so negative, just go take a read on how many people get married for the wrong reasons and then hindsight, wish they had chosen another path instead of choosin to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
TreyPlaisance Posted October 2, 2012 Share Posted October 2, 2012 What's the difference between cold feet and a real genuine concern? Link to post Share on other sites
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