Getting married in two months

[Sw3etdev1L]

My experience with this committment thing is the following.

I live with my father and my sister. My mom passed two years and six months ago.

I met my boyfriend eight months after my mother had died. I was going through a very tough mourning process. It was harsh.

When someone is going through a morning process, they usually go through different emotional stages such as: anger, sadness, blocking the situation, and it is harsh.

I went through that process with him.

When I met him, I might have not been at all ready to get involved in a situation of love. But I didn't want to let love pass me by, so I remained opened. I allowed myself to meet my boyfriend. He is a short brunette thin, smart business oriented sweet man, who knew what he wanted since the beginning. When I met him I also knew I already wanted to settle down, but I also knew I wanted love. Not only be part of the married community.

He has been awesome with me. He has been tolerant, patient, comoprehensive, attentive, giving, and sweet. For these reasons I have come to love him.

He is also a very thoughtful person.

He gave me the ring on the beach, under the stars of tulum, cancun mexico, under a full moon, it was amazing.

I went through difficult stuff in my past and I couldn't believe so much excitement and happiness.

I must say I love him. I dislike the process of marriage because politics take away all the romanticism in the relationship. Everything is wonderful. I just don't like having the process of the economical arrangement. It sucks!. Why do I believe this? Because, a couple has as a foundation sharing and being tolerand and comprehensive with each other.

Now, I am here waiting for him to arrive from his bachelor party vacation. Which by the way. I accepted the fact he wanted to go to a bachelor vacation with his friends. Why? Because I trust him and he is free, even if he is my fiancee. He is not of my property.

I must accept and confess that even if I trust him, the other day I went into the internet and started searching for "what men do in their bachelor party, in X place", I was astonished, alarmed, scared!.

I trust my fiancee, blindly.

I believe if men get involved with someone in their bachelor party, vacation or whatever by kissing them or having sex with them, it is treason. I don't accept it.

I said.

Apart from that... I must say, for men or anyone who has none experience in this process.

The fact of being engaged is a process of mourning too!.

For men, the process of mourning exists when they know they will respect one woman who they love and they are leaving their bachelor lifestyle. It must be hard for them.

For women, each case is a different case. For me it has been a little hard. I love the fact of getting married to this man particularly, but there is also the mourning of changing your bachelorette stage to a married woman. For me not only that, but I don't live in the US. Where I live it is very traditional that women live with their families until they get married and then they go and live with their husband. Well, this is my case. Which is hard! I have never ever lived alone, I have never ever lived with a roomate, and leaving my father and my sister after the mourning of my mother it is difficult.

I want to go and live with my hubby, but I don't want to leave my father and sister sometimes. My sister is younger than I am, and my father is getting older but he is alone. He has a girlfriend which is like a ghost to my sister and me because my father doesn't talk to us about her, we don't even know her name. He doesn't even want to take her to my wedding. He says he doesn't fit our environment. I have always been open to everyone, so I don't see why he has this point of view but anyways. I get anxious and worried of my sister, of my father and of my doggie!. I usually walk my dog three times a week, or two, I don't know. But I walk her, I give her , her medicine, I really love my dog. I want to make my dog happy! My sister sometimes feels that without me she might feel a little lonely so she is kind of sad that I am leaving , still she is happy for me and my father... My father is sad that my mom is not going to my wedding, I am sad because of that too. I never thought that after my mom dying, eight months later I would find my future husband. It's tough to know I am getting married and she is not gonna be there. I know in her heart and soul she'd be. He is also sad because I am the person who takes care of a details in this house, and now the house is going to feel a little lonelier without me. He is about sixty and takes great care of himself. I want my family to be ok without me, and maybe I know they will be. I just know the things are not going to be the same anymore and that hurts me a little. This committment thing is so lifechanging, in chickflicks they usually show women as being radiant of happiness and if you are marrying the man you love, you truly are radiant of happiness, but in real life you also go through a mourning process. Which, nobody tells you about.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Sw3etdev1L

[RiverRunning]

You'll notice that a lot of people carry these unrealistic expectations in real life, and even here. I've seen countless threads where a woman (or a man) expresses trepidation about getting married, however small, and before you know it the jackals descend and tear them to shreds. You must be ABSOLUTELY certain before you marry; you must not truly be in love if you have doubt, and on, and on, and on.

 

Doubt is a sign of a normal, healthy, functioning, rational mind. If you NEVER doubt your relationship after you get engaged, or even married, my opinion is that you're either a liar or you're just not thinking critically enough about your situation. We can never be TOTALLY certain about anything (I know I never have been) - you don't go in completely blind or completely doubting, but if you've got some doubts, that's entirely normal.

 

I think it's also totally normal to mourn the end of your single years. I had a mourning period for a few weeks after I got engaged. Suddenly, the doors of possibilities romantically began slamming shut. I loved my fiancee and wanted to be with him - but at the same time, I was closing off the possibilities of other men FOREVER. I was choosing not to have sex with anyone else FOREVER. Talk about gravity.

 

It gets even worse when, in situations like yours, you're getting married AND moving out of your family home AND moving in with your partner for the first time when you've never before lived with anyone else. It's a major life change and you're right: everybody is so busy pushing this image of how you SHOULD feel that they neglect to mention how you likely WILL feel.

 

It's very common for brides-to-be (and grooms too) to express doubt, disappointment, and to feel depression over their upcoming marriages (or immediately after their marriages. Look up 'post-nuptial depression' or 'engagement depression.' Yikes). Knowing about this ahead of time can really help you out there.

[strongnrelaxed]

If you are doubting him already. Even though you make comments to the contrary, I am not worried for you, but for him.

 

So many men are clueless about women's feelings. This isn't because they are clueless creatures by nature, it is because women deceive them. And because they are unaware they get called clueless. You can read many posts here that suggest that women feel and think all sorts of things. The best responses usually come from older women who say something like "have you spoken to him about this?" The answer is usually "no".

 

These poor young men do not realize all the stuff that is going on inside their women's heads. And it all blows up at some point and that poor bastard is going to take the blame for it all.

 

If you have seen as much life as I have, and met as many people, and read as much, you would see the same tragic patterns playing out over and over as I have. And too many of them start with a post like yours.

 

You do not seem like a bad person OP, and I understand your dilemma. Too many people will tell you that your doubts and jitters are normal. Sure they are - that's because they are warning signs for Pete's sake! Those gut feelings are there to tell you that something is wrong. Please do not ever ignore those instincts. They are your best friend.

 

My big question is this - why do you NEED to get married? Is your life in danger. Will your life be completely meaningless without it? Is your family forcing you to do it. Do you have a medical condition that demands that you get married? If not, then why do it?

 

People do not ask themselves that question enough. All the while the divorce rate skyrockets and poor little children are left holding the bag. It is a truly bizarre aspect of modern society that we have not yet figured out.

 

If my comment seems harsh, I ask that you consider how harsh it would be if I knew better and said nothing to you. Or worse, I encouraged you to get married even if I sensed that it was not in your best interest. How harsh would THAT be!? Watching people repeatedly fail is plain old wrong in my book

 

Good luck to you. Remember my post here and remember that I warned you. That is all I ask.

[strongnrelaxed]

 

I think it's also totally normal to mourn the end of your single years. I had a mourning period for a few weeks after I got engaged. Suddenly, the doors of possibilities romantically began slamming shut. I loved my fiancee and wanted to be with him - but at the same time, I was closing off the possibilities of other men FOREVER. I was choosing not to have sex with anyone else FOREVER. Talk about gravity.

 

This is a refreshingly honest statement. I felt the same thing, but I was so deeply in love that it sort of washed that away for me. It wasn't until much later when things started changing that i regretted it. It was then that I realized that those earlier jitters were my brain's way of warning me. My friends and family are all jerks for just advising me to brush that off.

 

And I resent them for that horrible advice to this day. They will never be off the hook for lying to me about his crap. I can't blame them too much though. We all drank the same Kool Aid.

 

(side note, when I was typing Kool Aid I spelled Kook like three times and had to correct it. Maybe that's what it should be called)

[Sw3etdev1L]

Strongnrelaxed.... the only thing I can say is...

Maybe you misunderstood my post..

I am just saying that for women, in tv , in merchandise, in publicity, in everything... they sell you the idea of marriage as a fairytale, a party and that's it.. I am not saying that if you marry the love of your life, it is wonderful!.. Because to tell you the truth, it is!... I definitly want to get married to my fiancee because I love him...

What I am saying is that, for women... I don't know for men... But for women, there's also a process of mourning, which nobody told me of until I was already a fiancee and a psychologist told me that every fiancee goes through a process of mourning... This process is a normal process of transition which includes anger, sadness, and other types of feelings, because you are having a transition in your life.

I love my boyfriend, I feel at ease with him, and I don't doubt my relationship with him.. NOT AT ALL. I am just saying that, getting married is not like TV, or chickflicks. Of course, the foundation is a happy event.. IF, you love the person to whom you are going to get married to, but eitherways the fiancees go through a process of mourning..

 

I am sorry if you had a bad marriage and repent the fact you didn't listen to your jitters. But, I can only say that it is normal to wonder if you are making a good choice... why? Because you are human. It is normal..

Whenever a person has to go out of that relationship is because you know for sure you don't love the person, don't want to be with that person, and objectively know you don't get along with the other person, or have absolutely clashing values.. But, this is not the message I wanted to transmit, I am sorry if this was your case and I wish you happiness and fulfilling relationships in the future, I hope you are open to them. What I am trying to say is, nobody tells you when you get committed that you are going to go through a process of mourning, you mourn the fact that you are not going to be a bachelorette anymore and that your lifestyle will change... I was so naive about it... But living with a father and a sister going through this process with you, is tough because they become sad that you are leaving and become quite difficult to deal with.. I know it is normal... but for me, the fiancee, it becomes a pain in the ass sometimes.

[strongnrelaxed]

Strongnrelaxed.... the only thing I can say is...

Maybe you misunderstood my post..

I am just saying that for women, in tv , in merchandise, in publicity, in everything... they sell you the idea of marriage as a fairytale, a party and that's it.. I am not saying that if you marry the love of your life, it is wonderful!.. Because to tell you the truth, it is!... I definitly want to get married to my fiancee because I love him...

What I am saying is that, for women... I don't know for men... But for women, there's also a process of mourning, which nobody told me of until I was already a fiancee and a psychologist told me that every fiancee goes through a process of mourning... This process is a normal process of transition which includes anger, sadness, and other types of feelings, because you are having a transition in your life.

I love my boyfriend, I feel at ease with him, and I don't doubt my relationship with him.. NOT AT ALL. I am just saying that, getting married is not like TV, or chickflicks. Of course, the foundation is a happy event.. IF, you love the person to whom you are going to get married to, but eitherways the fiancees go through a process of mourning..

 

I am sorry if you had a bad marriage and repent the fact you didn't listen to your jitters. But, I can only say that it is normal to wonder if you are making a good choice... why? Because you are human. It is normal..

Whenever a person has to go out of that relationship is because you know for sure you don't love the person, don't want to be with that person, and objectively know you don't get along with the other person, or have absolutely clashing values.. But, this is not the message I wanted to transmit, I am sorry if this was your case and I wish you happiness and fulfilling relationships in the future, I hope you are open to them. What I am trying to say is, nobody tells you when you get committed that you are going to go through a process of mourning, you mourn the fact that you are not going to be a bachelorette anymore and that your lifestyle will change... I was so naive about it... But living with a father and a sister going through this process with you, is tough because they become sad that you are leaving and become quite difficult to deal with.. I know it is normal... but for me, the fiancee, it becomes a pain in the ass sometimes.

 

I understand you better now Sw3et.

 

Thanks for responding.