My fiance seems to get angry quite a lot

[jojo81]

I have been with my fiance for over two years now. I love her with all my heart but lately she's been snapping at me for stupid stuff. For instance I just spent a heap of money on the house because she wanted tiles and whatever else, then immediately after it's done, she's looking for other things, like what would think about this? My response is usually, how about no, for now. That sends her into a frenzy of which she'll go into silent mode and then she makes me feel guilty because she's angry so then I have to put up her being silent because then apparently I piss her off if I try to make her happy again. She's always complaining that life is so hard because I work away and her friends get given everything and that she works in a ****ty job and has an investment property worth less when she bought it. The funny thing is I pretty much give her everything she wants which makes her happy for a bit but that soon changes. I've also tried to ease the burden by getting her to sell her investment property so she has money to spend but she won't sell it because she thinks she's giving it away even though it will take years to get what she wants.

 

I'm a very easy going positive guy who doesn't get upset unless I need to which is very rare. It seems whenever she is pissed at me, she'll bring up every detail since the time we met as kind of like a list of things I do wrong or have done in the past even though I help her out more than I used to in the house and everywhere else. We're getting married next year and up until the argument we had a few days ago when she was complaining about something, I never had any doubts. She then told me yesterday that she was seriously thinking about leaving me because of the constant arguments because it isn't making her happy. It seems that she wants her way and when I say something relating to money, like we can't affford it or no more for now, I get the crabby mood swings and then if I try to make her happy again, she basically lets me have it and tells me, I'm getting her angry now and then I have to put up with the silent treatment until she is ready to speak to me again. When the shoe is on the other foot, I accept her apology and move on.

 

Her mood flips are frequent and I do tell her about it but they don't stop. We could be lovey dovey and then boom. Another problem I have with her, is she's only interested in vanilla sex and the thought of experimenting with anything else repulses her. She told she was willing to try IT in order to make me happy but the thought that those things repulse her kind of make me think I might not enjoy it if she's thinking that way. As I mentioned I love her madly and I know she loves me the same but if this is what it's like now, what about when we're married!

 

She tells me that money isn't important and that I focus on it too much but I pay the mortgage, the extra repayments to bring down the loan quicker, the bills, now my car repayments, the insurances for everything and she is supposed to cover the groceries and maybe the odd bill that was over what I put in. Most of the time she's broke because her rent doesn't cover the costs and this is pretty much how it goes. The fact is I work offshore for equal time home and I couldn't afford to pay these things working shoreside for at least for a few years until the mortgage is lower. I try to make her happy while I am home as much as I can.

 

It seems a spend a lot of time apologizing to her when she gets angry and she does recognize she goes off quite frequently but I have to say she flips out on silly little stuff too often.

 

I know there's always two sides to the story so her point of view won't come across in what I write so I try to be diplomatic. The ways she's acting seems to have become more in magnitude after getting engaged. She moved into my house soon after getting engaged at my request as my housemate was moving out. She is a loving woman and does look after me but the fact that she snaps so quick at me for a simple response then goes into overdrive and silent until she's ready to speak to me really makes me think twice about marrying her.

 

At this point I can walk away from it without any financial harm but the fact she told she was thinking about leaving me the other day after we argued on the phone makes me think maybe our relationship isn't as strong as I think. Her parents are old school wogs like myself and have shown me much more love than my own parents at times so my thoughts lead me to believe she is a family girl but her actions sometimes lead me to believe she wants everything her own way in the house and that my way isn't right.

 

She puts so much emphasis on the house that one thing out of place, I get in the crap for even though my thoughts are, the house is for us to live in. She tells me she loves me more than I could know, I show her love all the time. She said to me the other night that because I wanted to try something new in the bedroom, a little bondage, that she mustn't be good enough for me which I quickly reassured because that is not the case. It also seems that even though I try to dassle her with little trips away and go out to dinner with friends she's not happy because she didn't get to choose her engagement ring and that the place I proposed to her could have been more elegant even though I spent about $800 that night on the place I took her to.

 

We have become best friends for a while now and we speak about everything and do everything together since our friends have fallen off the scenes to get on with their lives. She always reminds of my flaws and what I have done in the past even though I am always loving and devoted to her since we met. She does also seem to bring up past experiences with previous boyfriends a lot which I don't know what to think about the merits. She has also mentioned that she believes we never had the girlfriend boyfriend time because she moved in after a few months. I work away so it's not like she hasn't had her time by herself. It just seems now that she has regretted moving in with me back then and wishes we spent more time as a couple. In saying that she didn't refuse my proposal for marriage.

 

Like I said before I don't criticize and are very easy going so not much bothers me that I would warrant an argument about. I wish I could say the same for her. The advice you give is a great help.

 

I should also mention that she hates the concept of asking for money off me and would rather go without while I am away. I really don't think she would be a gold digger. I do earn very good money and she's always applauded the fact I worked hard for it. I see her parents and the way they are, they bicker like my parents but she does everything for her husband as my fiance said she would do for me. However she gets upset if I don't help her with the dishes or cleaning even though her father doesn't do any of that. Just though I might add that.

 

 

 

Any advice would be great.

[Radu]

Thanks for the advice. I know there's always two sides to the story so her point of view won't come across in what I write so I try to be diplomatic. The ways she's acting seems to have become more in magnitude after getting engaged. She moved into my house soon after getting engaged at my request as my housemate was moving out. She is a loving woman and does look after me but the fact that she snaps so quick at me for a simple response then goes into overdrive and silent until she's ready to speak to me really makes me think twice about marrying her.

 

At this point I can walk away from it without any financial harm but the fact she told she was thinking about leaving me the other day after we argued on the phone makes me think maybe our relationship isn't as strong as I think. Her parents are old school wogs like myself and have shown me much more love than my own parents at times so my thoughts lead me to believe she is a family girl but her actions sometimes lead me to believe she wants everything her own way in the house and that my way isn't right.

 

She puts so much emphasis on the house that one thing out of place, I get in the crap for even though my thoughts are, the house is for us to live in. She tells me she loves me more than I could know, I show her love all the time. She said to me the other night that because I wanted to try something new in the bedroom, a little bondage, that she mustn't be good enough for me which I quickly reassured because that is not the case. It also seems that even though I try to dassle her with little trips away and go out to dinner with friends she's not happy because she didn't get to choose her engagement ring and that the place I proposed to her could have been more elegant even though I spent about $800 that night on the place I took her to.

 

We have become best friends for a while now and we speak about everything and do everything together since our friends have fallen off the scenes to get on with their lives. She always reminds of my flaws and what I have done in the past even though I am always loving and devoted to her since we met. She does also seem to bring up past experiences with previous boyfriends a lot which I don't know what to think about the merits. She has also mentioned that she believes we never had the girlfriend boyfriend time because she moved in after a few months. I work away so it's not like she hasn't had her time by herself. It just seems now that she has regretted moving in with me back then and wishes we spent more time as a couple. In saying that she didn't refuse my proposal for marriage.

 

Like I said before I don't criticize and are very easy going so not much bothers me that I would warrant an argument about. I wish I could say the same for her. The advice you give is a great help.

 

I should also mention that she hates the concept of asking for money off me and would rather go without while I am away. I really don't think she would be a gold digger. I do earn very good money and she's always applauded the fact I worked hard for it. I see her parents and the way they are, they bicker like my parents but she does everything for her husband as my fiance said she would do for me. However she gets upset if I don't help her with the dishes or cleaning even though her father doesn't do any of that. Just though I might add that.

 

[ten chars]

Edited September 6, 2012 by Radu

[Andy_K]

Leave her. You will not ever fix this.

 

The trouble when you're in a difficult relationship, is that you tell yourself you can't leave because of all the good times you have, because some of the time she is really nice.

 

'Some of the time' isn't good enough.

 

You won't be happy with someone who doesn't lose their temper 'most of the time' or acts reasonably 'most of the time'. It's like if a girl came her and said her boyfriend only hits her sometimes, otherwise he's really loving. Would you suggest they stay together? Would you hell.

 

I appreciate this is much easier to see from the outside than from where you are, but believe me, when you've moved on and you're with a new girl who has a good temper, likes sex, and doesn't get upset about the small things, you'll wonder how you ever thought this girl could be the one

[the ill-made knight]

I'm going to be completely, brutally honest here- the two of you are just not a match. It's obvious, plain as day. If you just keep reasoning and rationalizing (oh, we love each other etc. etc.) you will end up in an unhappy marriage that will lead to divorce. There is no way the two of you have even an ounce of what it takes to go the distance. If you are arguing this much now, imagine when you are married. The two of you are not sexually compatible, nothing you do is good enough for her, and I think you are starting to feel resentful and unappreciated already. This is not heading towards a good place even your fiance knows it.

[FitChick]

Tell her you want to postpone the wedding and go for premarital counseling and a communications for couples type workshop or similar.

[SJC2008]

Sounds like a nit picker with bitching about the house. A family member of mine is married to a woman who bitches about everything from the minute she walks through the door. I don't know how he does it, I'd rather die alone and pay for sex once in a while than to be unhapilly married and miserable. Leave her, hell she already said she might leave you. She's testing you to see if you'll fall in line and tell her not to leave you because she needs to know you'll put up with her and once you do and get married mutiply the way she is now by at least 5 and she's a full on bitch. I've seen this first hand, I am not exaggerating.

[Hawaii50]

Tell her you want to postpone the wedding and go for premarital counseling and a communications for couples type workshop or similar.

 

 

Smart lady.

[jojo81]

Well I grew some balls and finally broke up with her after a very heated argument of which surprise surprise I was the cause yet again. It all happened on xmas eve and 4 months on it was the best decision I had ever made. This doesn't mean it was easy especially after kicking her out my house and watching her drag the move out over two weeks. Her dad disowned me which kinda hurt and it showed me a very nasty side of my fiance I had never seen. She knew straight away that the way she had been treating me wasn't going to fly anymore and tried her best to get me to change my mind. I stuck to my guns and have now got her out of my life and am moving on with mine. Got new ideas, going on a holiday with my mates and love being single again. I have to thank everyone who gave their two cents. It really helped me see the light from a different angle and gave me perspective. It has taken a couple of months to see what kind of person I had become and now that I look back I don't know how I let it go for so long. It was my first long term relationship leading to marriage so I have learned some valuable lessons. Thankyou again!!!!:):):):)

[MidwestUSA]

Wow, I just came across this and felt, literally, frightened for you in your initial post. Absolutely NO WAY you two were compatible. She sounds like a spoiled brat. Congrats to you, enjoy your new freedom. Whew!

[turnera]

I am SO glad you broke up with her. Good job.

 

A good book for you to read now is Married Man Sex Life Primer, which isn't necessarily about marriage OR sex, but rather how to be a man who doesn't take crap from people.

[bustedstuff88]

Bravo. Like others, I read the first post and was screaming "RUN"....

 

Your ex sounds exactly like mine, almost so much its kinda creepy. You were smart. I married that woman, had two children. I finally left her, but its pretty much ruined me financially.

 

Oh well. At least im free from that ball and chain. Her new BF is in for a nasty little suprise.....

[ForeverHopeful1]

Look at you! Dodging bullets and ****! Good Job, Bro!