Relative upset about same wedding dress

[pink_sugar]

What are your thoughts on wearing the same wedding dress as a relative? Not purposely of course, but let's say you really like the dress or whatever and purchase the same dress? In my opinion, I think unless they had the dress uniquely designed or it was an heirloom, most wedding dresses are mass made and millions of people can be wearing the same dress. So, so what if it happens to be your relative? I had a situation where a relative got upset because I wore the same wedding dress to a photo shoot after we all were already married. She basically told me I was trying to copy her and that each bride should have their special day and uniqueness and yada-yada. I understand that to a point, but again...the dress is a mass made item anyone can walk into bridal the store and purchase. If you're that concerned about being unique and one of a kind, go design your own dress so no one else can walk into the store and purchase it. She said her and her mom spent forever picking out the dress and that I was just trying to copy her. Honestly, if someone wore the same wedding dress as me...who cares? What do you expect when you purchase from a popular designer? I think there are more important things to worry about.

[RiverRunning]

There are more important things to worry about, but I've well-learned that some people are totally irrational, especially when it comes to the wedding day. Weddings are not that unique from one another.

 

I'd roll my eyes at such a catty remark, honestly - or tell her exactly what you did. I'd say that you both have a great sense of style and that you weren't copying off of her - when dresses are mass-produced, it's just expected that people will probably wind up picking similar, or identical, dresses. That's if she ever mentions it again. And after stating your piece, move on and divorce yourself from having to interact with someone who will act so incredibly petty.

[pink_sugar]

Yeah, did I mention this was 3 years after her wedding? She had her special day and I had mine. I had gained a lot of weight during my wedding and the costs of altering my original gown would equal the price of buying another, so I bought the same gown she had and wore it to a photo shoot. I didn't think it was a big deal, but it was to her. This happened awhile back, but I thought I'd get a perspective on it. LOL. I admit I did like her dress, so I looked around for it and purchased it for a photo shoot.

[KathyM]

You shouldn't have purposely copied her dress. It is kind of tacky to do that, similar to finding out what your HS rival is wearing to the prom, and going out to buy the exact same dress. Or going out to buy the exact same car as your close friend or relative, or having your apartment decorated the exact same way. Or copying her wedding invitation, or details of her wedding. I put a lot of effort into planning my wedding, and creating the menu, and planning the details, even making some of the decorations myself. I wouldn't be real happy about it if a relative copied everything I had planned to make my wedding day special and unique. My daughter-in-law, who recently married my oldest son, also spent a tremendous amount of time planning and preparing for her wedding, and had some very unique touches in her wedding that she made herself. We wouldn't have been too happy if someone copied her own unique style for their wedding a few years later. Some women put a lot of effort and creativity into their wedding--it's the most important day of their life. They want it to be special. They want it to be personal, and unique to them. I think it's understandable she would be a little miffed, but it's not appropriate that she make a huge deal about it. But just for the record, you shouldn't have copied her dress.

[pink_sugar]

I never said I copied it on purpose just to miff her. I liked the dress, thought it was cute and bought the same dress. I wore it to a photo shoot, not my wedding. My wedding was entirely different from hers. (I got married a year later) I can see if I copied her wedding, but she was miffed because I decided to wear the same dress for my photo shoot. One of her cousin's purchased same wedding ring as her and I'm still wondering if she's miffed about that.

Edited May 7, 2012 by pink_sugar

[CarrieT]

I'm confused why you would wear one dress for a photo and another to the wedding - because of a weight gain?

 

I am in the camp that thinks it is tacky. You knew someone in your family wore the dress and the fact that it is mass-produced is inconsequential.

 

She was trying to make her day special and you deflated that by creating a similar image that would be shared with too many mutual acquaintances.

[pink_sugar]

Her day was 3 years prior to my owning the dress. How did that ruin her day? All too often I've seen people wearing the same clothes. When I worked at the clothing store, I've seen people wear the exact same clothes. A wedding dress shouldn't be any different than anything else. Many people can wear the same dress and many wedding dresses look the same or similar. I guess I just don't understand the meaning that just because you happen to be related, distantly, means it's NOT okay to have the same dress when another million people out there can own it.

Edited May 7, 2012 by pink_sugar

[KathyM]

I never said I copied it on purpose just to miff her. I liked the dress, thought it was cute and bought the same dress. I wore it to a photo shoot, not my wedding. My wedding was entirely different from hers. (I got married a year later) I can see if I copied her wedding, but she was miffed because I decided to wear the same dress for my photo shoot. One of her cousin's purchased same wedding ring as her and I'm still wondering if she's miffed about that.

I never said you purposely tried to miff her, but that you purposely copied her dress, and it did miff her. I can understand where she's coming from. People want their wedding dress to be special, and not copied by their close friends and relatives. You may not have used the same dress in your wedding, but you did have it in your "wedding photos", so I can understand that she felt miffed. You shouldn't have copied it.

[CarrieT]

I've seen people wear the exact same clothes. A wedding dress shouldn't be any different than anything else. Many people can wear the same dress and many wedding dresses look the same or similar.

 

But a wedding dress IS different from other clothes - and I think you know that and am trying to justify your actions.

[pink_sugar]

But what is wrong with "liking" a dress and deciding to wear it? It's not like I decided to wear it just because she was wearing it...which is why she was upset in the first place.

[CarrieT]

But what is wrong with "liking" a dress and deciding to wear it? It's not like I decided to wear it just because she was wearing it...which is why she was upset in the first place.

 

It is wrong because you knew it had already been worn by a member of your family. The fact that you liked it is pointless.

 

For a clear conscious, you could have gone to her beforehand and said, "Hey, I really love the dress you wore - how would you feel if I wore the same one for some photos?"

 

Perhaps because you knew what the reaction would be?

[setsenia]

If someone copied my wedding dress, I'd be flattered. They must really like my style. You'd be surprised at how common wedding dresses are. There are actually only so many designers. I've seen many people wearing the same dress. I don't think the OP was purposely copying her, but that she liked the dress and her relative was upset because she thought she was being copied will ill intent. I don't think that just because you're related means the other person doesn't have a right to walk into a bridal shop and purchase it and use it to their own liking. If you want to be 100% original, design your own dress or wear an heirloom dress. In those circumstances I can see how it would ruin the other person's originality if you copied them. But if you are purchasing a dress from a popular bridal shop, yes, you have to expect many, many other people will be wearing that same dress. You owning the dress won't stop others from buying it.

[setsenia]

For a clear conscious, you could have gone to her beforehand and said, "Hey, I really love the dress you wore - how would you feel if I wore the same one for some photos?"

 

Perhaps because you knew what the reaction would be?

 

Why, does she own that dress style and who produces it?

[KathyM]

But what is wrong with "liking" a dress and deciding to wear it? It's not like I decided to wear it just because she was wearing it...which is why she was upset in the first place.

It's not wrong to like the dress. But to go out and buy it for your wedding photos because you liked her choice of wedding dress is tacky. Not cool. I venture to say most women would feel the same way. They don't want something as important as a wedding dress to be copied by a close friend or relative.

[CarrieT]

Why, does she own that dress style and who produces it?

 

No, but it is a matter of courtesy and respect.

[setsenia]

I see what you mean to an extent Kathy, but if someone else fell in love with the same wedding dress, it sounds like they should have to marry someone else with different relatives for it to be okay? I think as society we see things we like all the time that may be considered "copying". I think if the OP wore the dress because her relative wore it, that would be another story entirely. But it sounds like this isn't a close relative. I think this is a good reference to check out:

 

Wedding Gown: My Friend Has the Same Wedding Dress!TheKnot.com -

 

Of course, this was done by accident in the example, but I am sure many people get dress ideas from other weddings. Dresses do look different on each individual.

[pink_sugar]

Definitely agree, Donna! And I know a lot of people rent dresses worn several times previously to save money. When you think about it, men can wear the same tux but easily get away with it under the notion of men are expected to wear the same thing. So why can a man wear the same tux as another man, but it's not okay for a woman to wear the same dress? Does a man wearing the same tux to his wedding as his friend wore to his wedding lack originality and ruin the other guy's special day? No.

[CarrieT]

Does a man wearing the same tux to his wedding as his friend wore to his wedding lack originality and ruin the other guy's special day? No.

 

Because guys aren't nearly as fanatical about their clothes as women are; there isn't a show called Groomzillas, is there!?!?

[KathyM]

I see what you mean to an extent Kathy, but if someone else fell in love with the same wedding dress, it sounds like they should have to marry someone else with different relatives for it to be okay? I think as society we see things we like all the time that may be considered "copying". I think if the OP wore the dress because her relative wore it, that would be another story entirely. But it sounds like this isn't a close relative. I think this is a good reference to check out:

 

Wedding Gown: My Friend Has the Same Wedding Dress!TheKnot.com -

 

Of course, this was done by accident in the example, but I am sure many people get dress ideas from other weddings. Dresses do look different on each individual.

Well, IMO, it's tacky to copy somebody else that is a close friend or relative, or if you have the same relatives, which the OP does. Women do usually want to feel like their wedding dress is special and their wedding is personal and unique. If my neice had purposely bought the same dress as my daughter-in-law for her wedding a year after my daughter-in-law was married, I'd think that was kind of tacky and unoriginal to do that.

[pink_sugar]

Because guys aren't nearly as fanatical about their clothes as women are; there isn't a show called Groomzillas, is there!?!?

 

See, I think that's the problem. There's so much hype put into weddings especially by brides, but I don't see what all the hype is about when there is still a looming 50% divorce rate. I see people put more thought into the wedding being perfect than the actual marriage itself. When it comes down to it, it's not about all the frills but making the marriage work.

[CarrieT]

See, I think that's the problem. There's so much hype put into weddings especially by brides, but I don't see what all the hype is about when there is still a looming 50% divorce rate. I see people put more thought into the wedding being perfect than the actual marriage itself. When it comes down to it, it's not about all the frills but making the marriage work.

 

I agree completely with this however this still exists the concept of social convention.

 

I am a very sexually open person prone to non-politically correct philosophies - and yet I don't publicly flaunt my sexuality in others' faces just because I don't see a problem with the concept but because I know that many others would have a problem with it. Not a perfect analogy, I know, but I think one that works.

[KathyM]

Perhaps she's just PO'd because you looked better in the dress than she did. Actually, I think that's the problem most of the time when women worry about someone else wearing the same clothes as they have on.

I think it's pretty normal for women to not want their friend or close relative to wear the same outfit that they are wearing, or go out and buy the same thing. People want to have some sense of their own style and uniqueness. I remember when my identical twin sister used to ask me where I bought a dress, and then she'd go out and buy the exact same thing. It's not that she looked better in the dress (we were identical ), but that I wanted my own style to not be cloned. She has a tendency to copy me, and it gets kind of lame.

[PlumPrincess]

Yeah, did I mention this was 3 years after her wedding? She had her special day and I had mine. I had gained a lot of weight during my wedding and the costs of altering my original gown would equal the price of buying another, so I bought the same gown she had and wore it to a photo shoot. I didn't think it was a big deal, but it was to her. This happened awhile back, but I thought I'd get a perspective on it. LOL. I admit I did like her dress, so I looked around for it and purchased it for a photo shoot.

Sorry, NOT COOL.

[PlumPrincess]

Most women want to look great and special on their wedding day. One of the things how they try to achieve that is with the dress. It's something special. You buying the same dress and using it for your photo shoot did turn it into a mass article.

[shorty7]

I see both sides of the argument, but I think what possibly pissed off the relative is this:

 

 

1. Universal truth: more and more couples pay for their own weddings and it is hardly *customary* for either parent group to pay for the entire thing.
   
2. Given that, the number of invitees that are allowed for the wedding can become very limited depending on the budget
   
3. Quite often in these cases, a couple with an extremely low or modest budget may opt to limit the number of actual invitees to very close friends and family and send photo's to the rest
   

So here's where the relative *likely* got pissed off at. You wore a different gown to the wedding, yet you chose to specifically wear her "wedding day" dress to the photo that is likely going to be distributed to the "en masse" crowd you two likely have in common but not close enough to come to the actual wedding. It can be easily assumed that more people eventually are likely to remember your photo dress as your "wedding" dress (especially those who didn't get to attend the actual wedding).

 

 

And honestly, I can understand if that particular dress was more perfect for the situation than the other tons of dresses you've tried, but still, it does sound and look like you did copy that relative...especially if you didn't look for other alternatives first. How would you like it if your cousin decided to wear the same dress as you?