LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Getting Married

Should I Get Married When I'm Not "In Love" Or Terribly Attracted?


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd December 2003, 3:30 AM   #1
ztay00
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy Should I Get Married When I'm Not "In Love" Or Terribly Attracted?

My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I’m 32, she is 38 and neither of us has ever married. She is really sweet, loving, nurturing, honest and good to me. Additionally, we share the same values, we’re compatible, and get along great.

The problem is, I’ve never felt the “chemistry”, or “fallen in love”. I think the reason is because I’m not terribly attracted to her, and she is 6 years older.

I have to make a decision in the next couple of days to marry her, or she will take a job overseas and I will lose her forever. I’m wondering if I should risk all the good things she gives me because I’m not “in love” with the sparks and the chemistry.

Please Help
  Reply With Quote
Old 3rd December 2003, 6:04 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Tony T's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Posts: 15,713
Though what you DO have is very important and are significant components of a healthy relationship, passion and romantic love are absolutely essential to the long term survival of a happy marriage. Oh yes, you could get married and it would be nice for a while but you would always have a sense of something missing in the relationship. Eventually, you would grow to resent her and yourself for stepping into a "friendship" rather than a passion-filled romance.

Attraction is absolutely essential in any case. If you are only marginally attracted to this lady, you'll find yourself very disinterested in sex eventually and maybe even open to cheated because you, yourself, feel you cheated your ownself out of very important aspects of a partnership. I am dumbfounded as to why anybody would stay with somebody so long when there wasn't really strong attraction.....I mean dumbfounded!!!

Were there ever sparks and chemistry? If so, perhaps those can be renewed somewhat. The really wild stuff doesn't last forever. If there were never any sparks, I am at a total loss of why you would stay with somebody this long without them. That's got to stand for something. Ask yourself why you dedicated that many years to someone with whom you weren't wildly in love? Maybe there's something deep down underneath that I can't sense from here. Sane people just don't stick together that long unless there are very good reasons. If they were unhealthy reasons like insecurity or laziness, shame on you.

Never, ever consider marriage or even a long term relationship with anyone for whom you do not feel sparks. Marriage is hard enough WITH them. I will tell you there are a lot of people who get married under the circumstances you describe because they decide to "settle" and they spend their lifetimes trying to convince themselves that they are happy and made the right decision. It's better to be alone.
Tony T is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd December 2003, 10:05 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Arabess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Atlantic Beach, FL
Posts: 3,924
Quote:
Originally posted by Tony

Never, ever consider marriage or even a long term relationship with anyone for whom you do not feel sparks. Marriage is hard enough WITH them. I will tell you there are a lot of people who get married under the circumstances you describe because they decide to "settle" and they spend their lifetimes trying to convince themselves that they are happy and made the right decision. It's better to be alone.
No truer words were ever spoken!!!! All the discontent you feel NOW...will only get larger once you are married. Then, when you can no longer live with the relationship, you may have a child or two involved. It's best to cut your losses and get out now. You owe it to YOU.....and you owe it to HER.
Arabess is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2003, 6:19 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Thinkalot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: near the beach, Australia
Posts: 2,615
Also, Tony gave good advice when he asked you to consider if there were EVER any sparks. If so, try and revive them, before you decide to throw in the towel. Romance and passion can be forstered and nurtured- it does take work to keep those things burning hotly. And all the other great things you have are very important and often hard to come by.

That said, if you really don't feel enough zing! for her, you probably will always feel somewhat discontented, as the others have pointed out. Look hard within yourself and be objective about what you REALLY feel. If what you find still isn't strong enough to make you feel happy jumping into marriage, then you probably shouldn't.

I'm curious, does your lady feel the spark for you? Or are you both just comfortable together? Be fair and honest with her.
Thinkalot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2003, 6:30 PM   #5
Unconfirmed Account
 
Skittles's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: East Coast
Posts: 340
These posters are a smart bunch...eh?


I vote: NO.
Skittles is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th December 2003, 10:33 PM   #6
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: north florida
Posts: 43
Do what your heart desires. We personally connot control if you can or cannot marry her. But all i can say is do what is in your heart.
__________________
Fear. I will not let fear overcome me. For fear is the mind killer.
flyswatter04 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2003, 9:08 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,335
If she said, "Either marry me or I'm leaving," just wave goodbye, man, any girl who does that isn't worth being with. Besides, you aren't in love. You'd end up cheating or getting a divorce.
UCFKevin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th December 2003, 10:35 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Posts: 515
Quote:
Should I Get Married When I'm Not "In Love" Or Terribly Attracted?

Not unless you want to be divorced with kids 2 or more years later.

Just wave good-bye.
bark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 2:32 AM   #9
Unconfirmed Account
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 3
Smile I'm in the same relationship

I'm

I'm in the situation but in reverse (I'm the girlfriend).

I have been going out with my boyfriend for a year and a month on and off. I really enjoy his company, we have fun together, laugh alot. He is very generous and romantic. There are alot of things I like about him but I'm not in love with him and I'm not attracted to him.

I think part of the reason is I never thought he was cute. I'm 34 and he is 45. I thought of him as an older guy. (Not that 45 is old, I think he looks older than his age). I know what it feels like to be attracted and I don't have it with him. I even feel bad or dirty after sex because it doesn't feel right with him. I'm always trying to avoid it and he always wants to. I'm usually into sex but not with him.
Not to get graphic, but he has man boobs and that is a major turn off. He also has a gut and is really hairy.

Our friendship part couldn't be better and he treats me great. But he is putting pressure on me to get married. Oh, he is divorced with 2 kids. Yikes.

Yeah, like one guy said how can you stay with someone so long and not be attracted to him. Good question. For me, the first time we had sex (after 4 months) I had to much to drink. I was so depressed and regretted it. Believe it or not this sounds weird he is good in bed but I'm still not attracted to him.

I think it is abusive to myself to keep having sex with him if I don't want to. I think for me I stayed in this is because we have fun, he treats me really good and it is scared to go out in the dating world and also he loves me so much and wants to get married.

I dont' think sex is the most important in a relationship but when something is not right with it or something you can't live with it can destroy the whole relationship.

Matter of Importance in my opinion

Friendship 40%
Mutual goals and interests 20%
Trust 20%
Sex 20%

roughly, see sex isn't the most important but again if you can't stand having sex with your partner there is a major problem.

I think I need to break up with my boyfriend and move on. Instead of dwelling on it and getting depressed.

For you, I think you should move on. You have invested alot of time in the relationship though. Unless, you both rate sex as a very low priority and can both live with it and our happy with it. Then stay. There is no perfect relationship.
callie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 9:44 AM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Near Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 84
You have to decide what you want out of marriage.

I was friendly with an older woman who told me, quite openly, that she got married because she wanted to have a family. She married her husband who 'was not her first choice' but who was available and 'a nice guy'.

They are still married almost 30 years later. Their priorities are different from some people's. Some people desire romance, some just want the security and peacefulness of compatibility, friendship and mutual projects, like raising kids.

She told me she was never 'in love' with him but that she cares very much for him and that it 'works for us'

I myself have always wanted those sparks. Naturally, I've been in and out of many relationships. Sometimes the sparks are there but the compatibility isn't. Sometimes differences in values make you clash.
Sometimes the compatibility and friendship was there, but no chemistry. That sucked. Sooner or later I couldn't STAND to have sex with the person any more and I'd end up hurting someone really nice.

Today I'm in a relationship going on 4 years. I have to say, the passion waxes and wanes. We have moments of great passion and then times that are more quiet.
But thank god it's still there.
I don't think I could handle it if it goes
Karlise is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 11:12 AM   #11
Established Member
 
moimeme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Posts: 16,499
Callie

There are alot of things I like about him but I'm not in love with him and I'm not attracted to him.

Why ever would you even think of marrying someone in that situation? If you were in love with him, you would likely develop attraction. If you were madly attracted, you might also find he has enough good qualities that you'd fall in love, too. However if you have neither, what on earth would even get you thinking marriage? There are many nice guys out there; that doesn't mean you should marry them all.
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
moimeme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 12:06 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: SOUTH CAROLINA
Posts: 498
DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I married my wife because I got here pregnant and figured at the time that it was the right thing to do.

Those first couple of years were a total blur. Between getting married, having a kid and finding a better job I never took a minute to realize I was doing the wrong thing.

I was trying to be practical. But if the love isn't there you will be miserable.

Now 10 years later I am in so deep I can't get out of this marriage unless I want to walk away empty handed and alone.
fredrolin is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 12:16 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 66
Nope! Don't do it unless you are in love! Marriage is hard enough without the "glue" of love to keep you together.....if you don't even have love........then what will keep you together during good times and bad?

I got married the first time when I was younger, not in love, but pregnant, and felt it was the right thing to do. He possessed the qualities you would want in a spouse, but no sparks, no feeling of being in love, ever. And throughout the 6 years, that loving feeling was always missing.......even though I did love him......but as a friend..........not a lover or soulmate or how I always felt I'd love the person I'd be married to......

When a few years passed and I realized I had settled, I wasn't in love, no sparks......took a leap of faith and ended it. Fell in love with someone else a few years later and got married again, what a difference. I can't imagine being with someone other than my now-husband.......this is the way it should be, for me anyway.

Life is too short to settle......good luck!

Last edited by nikkilove; 7th April 2004 at 12:19 PM..
nikkilove is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 1:38 PM   #14
Established Member
 
SoleMate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 3,708
NOOOOO!!!! Do not marry someone who turns you off physically. A man with boobs...and older looking than his years...yuck. This goes for ztay and callie.
__________________
Heavily medicated for your safety.
SoleMate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th April 2004, 1:51 PM   #15
zarathustra
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
If you're not physically attracted to her now, you won't be 5-10-15-20 years later.

If there's no heat, you'll freeze married to that person.
  Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Husband said he never "really" love me at all--I'm an "obligation" What? ShouldaSeenItComing Marriage & Life Partnerships 26 18th April 2007 4:29 PM
WTH is "true love" and "the one"??? They're driving me nuts! whitewhale General Relationship Discussion 8 16th May 2005 6:36 AM
Can you be attracted to one another and still be "just friends"? Martina Friends and Lovers 2 15th September 2004 9:37 AM
Totally "spazz out" when i am attracted to them romantically jrobbies In Search Of... 3 16th July 2003 10:45 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:42 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.